Should I apologize for using a girl a year later?

[jackman0612]

I dated a girl for over a year. She was a shy girl and I was the only person she dated until then. I lost attraction after couple months but dragged it much longer for the wrong reasons. When she realized what my intentions were, she told me she no longer wanted to see me. I casually said ok and that was it. It took me another year to realized how f****d up I was.

 

I still feel guilty so would it be a good idea to apologize or just assume they moved on by now?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Eh, hard to say. I had an ex apologize to me for some **** more than 10 years after the fact (tracked me down through classmates . com just to be able to do so....this was a while ago!). I definitely appreciated it, even though he was clear about his motives of clearing his conscience because he was engaged and I had actually forgiven him WELL before this contact. We're Facebook friends to this day and he's one of the best people I know, actually maybe because of how he reached out to me. I guess it all comes down to your motive.

[HarmonyDriven]

IMO, it depends. Do your paths cross at all or has there been no contact in the past year?

 

If no contact since the break up.....then why bother? It sounds like you know you were not a gentleman. Hopefully, you have learned from this experience and treat your relationships better.

 

If you have some sort of contact, whether it be linkedin, facebook, etc....then I don't think it would hurt. She might be a bit flattered knowing this issue has bugged you for quite some time.

[magnesium]

I think if you send a message to her, then the sooner you do it, the better.

 

But you can't send a message thinking you will get a response. If you really want to apologize, then this has to be all about her, and you need to validate her feelings.

 

Don't make it one of those messages where you apologize, and then make it all about you. I don't know if you ever got one of those kinds of apologies before, but they are really tacky and selfish.

[d0nnivain]

If she is completely out of your life, don't reopen the wound.

 

If you have some contact with her, say going to the same school, apologize.

[fieldoflavender]

Just make sure you're not doing it to get back with the person or test the waters. That is THE WORST. If you're with someone and they're with someone and it's all done, then maybe just clear that up by saying - I don't have any ulterior motive, but I really just want to say sorry.

 

I think that is commendable to have the strength to say sorry. But ask yourself truly if you have any ulterior motives.

[Redhead14]

I dated a girl for over a year. She was a shy girl and I was the only person she dated until then. I lost attraction after couple months but dragged it much longer for the wrong reasons. When she realized what my intentions were, she told me she no longer wanted to see me. I casually said ok and that was it. It took me another year to realized how f****d up I was.

 

I still feel guilty so would it be a good idea to apologize or just assume they moved on by now?

 

You were being selfish at the time and apologizing after a full year is all about you -- still. It might make you feel better, but I doubt very much she will appreciate being triggered back to the hurt you caused her and it's not going to help HER feel better.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself and her is to let it go and, from now on, be straight up with women as soon as you know you aren't really attracted to them for the long-term instead of stringing them along.

 

When she realized what my intentions were, she told me she no longer wanted to see me. -- And, good for her for figuring it out. She's strong, insightful, focused woman apparently. She doesn't need you to help her manage her emotions with a useless apology.

[elaine567]

OK so you were basically gone at 2 months in, but kept it going for another 10 months until she sussed out you were just stringing her along.

 

I guess she felt a bit of a fool and has no doubt used up all her coping mechanisms trying to get over it. BUT she may now be telling herself that you did love her, only that in the last few weeks of your relationship, you weren't exactly feeling it and so she broke up with you.

If you now tell her you are so sorry for stringing her along for 10 whole months to assuage YOUR guilt, she is going to be in a whole other world of hurt isn't she?

People find their own way of healing and moving on, she doesn't need you stomping all over her emotions again.

 

It is now a year later, let sleeping dogs lie, no good will come of this.

[kortz]

Yea let this one go...maybe in a few years if you two somehow reconnect or something but otherwise just leave it as you could end up making her feel worse for the sake of making yourself feel better.

[Rockdad]

Back in my mid 20's I used a girl for strictly for booty calls. I let that go and hadn't seen her in quite a good while. In that time I was doing some growing up of my own. I felt bad for some of things I had done and using this girl was on the list.

 

I looked her up and apologized face to face. She looked at me very puzzled and asked what was I talking about. I repeated what I had said and she still was clueless. Looking right at me said I don't remember you. Her still puzzled expression convinced me she doesn't! (Kind of reflects poorly of my prowess doesn't it?)

 

I'm still very glad I made the attempt. That girl died 6 months later.

[fieldoflavender]

Back in my mid 20's I used a girl for strictly for booty calls. I let that go and hadn't seen her in quite a good while. In that time I was doing some growing up of my own. I felt bad for some of things I had done and using this girl was on the list.

 

I looked her up and apologized face to face. She looked at me very puzzled and asked what was I talking about. I repeated what I had said and she still was clueless. Looking right at me said I don't remember you. Her still puzzled expression convinced me she doesn't! (Kind of reflects poorly of my prowess doesn't it?)

 

I'm still very glad I made the attempt. That girl died 6 months later.

 

She might have been pretending. Girls wouldn't like to admit that they were being used like that. But good on you for taking the courage to do that. And life is short. Not saying it makes sense for this case necessarily, both people have to be in a good position for it to happen.

[marky00]

Back in my mid 20's I used a girl for strictly for booty calls. I let that go and hadn't seen her in quite a good while. In that time I was doing some growing up of my own. I felt bad for some of things I had done and using this girl was on the list.

 

I looked her up and apologized face to face. She looked at me very puzzled and asked what was I talking about. I repeated what I had said and she still was clueless. Looking right at me said I don't remember you. Her still puzzled expression convinced me she doesn't! (Kind of reflects poorly of my prowess doesn't it?)

 

I'm still very glad I made the attempt. That girl died 6 months later.

 

 

No way, could someone. let alone a woman not know someone they slept with on more than 1 occasion. Unless of course many years had passed and you looked so different and if you didn't mention who you were.

 

 

I'd say she was pretending. At the very least she would have figured out who you were a few minutes after you had left.

[Goodguy05]

Is this about u feeling guilty and wanting to absolve some of ur guilt? If it is there's a chance it could make her feel worse just take that into consideration

[amaysngrace]

Do what is in your heart to do.

[maxi105]

an apology is something that if you have treated someone badly or unfairly is (in most cases - usually welcome). people often say oh it doesn't matter, when deep down or in private they are secretly grateful and actually glad the person spoke up to say sorry to them!!!!! but in this case (if ive got the right post in my head here; then I am not that sure an apology can do anything really to change what has already happened!) and why???...because you have already humiliated this lady once before and she told you quite rightly where to go, so why would you want to churn all this over for her again.

 

if this post wasn't just about you wanting sex and using someone repeatedly, I would have said an apology might have offered her some peace of mind to show her at least that you have stopped to think about how you behaved and realised it wasn't great and that you now regret that...

 

but just beware.....karma has a strange way to bring us down when we thought we were moving on from it all !!! ...so if your still insisting on an apology after what you read from a number of the posters on here; then at least have the good grace to mean it!

 

it sounds like your guilt is partly coming from the fact that she was actually a decent person!!!!! and there was a part of you that abused that!!!! i am also wondering if you are writing this now is because you yourself have probably been taught a few uncomfortable home truths in your lifetime since being with her!!!

 

and even though you have grown up since your early days, the reality is that this girl has probably never been better off than when she left you.

 

this whole thing of just using someone cheaply for sex when you don't have that much else going for you (in context of the situation/relationship) says a hell of a lot about the so called "sophisticated and cultured societies we pride ourselves in as a developed human race" ...and il bet this woman was often the topic of derogatory "banter" and bragging sessions with your mates.

 

but the real dangers behind this kind of repeated thinking i.e.: right to have someone "when you want them" regardless of who they are etc- can so easily lead to all kinds of more serious issues if allowed to become a habit.

 

I'm glad you've learned some kind of lesson from what you've said here, but really, its time to leave this lady to her own life now. she wont gain anything from having you try to absolve your guilt to her all over again! she saw you for what you were back then, so leave it there and the best you can hope for is that she has forgotten you completely!!!... because this could easily backfire if you don't back down whilst you are able to!!!!

 

if you are truly sorry and have learned something from any of this then i guess that is the best you can hope for. you don't have a right to seek her forgiveness again now (when you've had plenty of time to apologise since to her but did nothing about it!!) and even if you apologise - it still leaves her with nothing! AGAIN!!!!..sorry.....

[whatnot]

we make amends when it won't hurt others

 

I'm unconvinced an apology in this case meets the bar

 

There's other ways of clearing one's conscience. Find one.

 

Take care

Edited August 6, 2017 by whatnot

[Cookiesandough]

Just leave her be. I have thought the same thing, wanting to apologize to person I wronged, but if you think about it, it's selfish. You want them to feel better to absolve you of guilt. No, a sorry doesn't fix what you did and how they felt about it, let them heal in your absence, forget about you, and have a happy life. let that be your absolution

Edited August 6, 2017 by Cookiesandough