Ex tried to friend zone me, this where I am at

[Craig87]

I was dating this girl for about a year, we met through a work event. We we're both in our late twenties and it started going south about 6 months in.

 

I realized we defined relationships differently. The moment we started having issues, I tried to discussed them further and I was deemed "needy". I apologized, but realized this was bs and aweek later readdressed the same issues and stood my ground.

 

I believe real relationships take work, and passion, intimacy, and love are all created after the honeymoon phase wears off. Her view, however, was that once you stop feeling that, you are no longer in love with the person.

 

To a degree, she is right but I think relationships are much more about fighting to keep that love other than waiting for it to wane. She was definitely a serial dater, our relationship was a rebound for her, and for me it was more a matter of working through it and taking my time. She rushed the pace of our relationship which I (stupidly) was ok with, then after almost 9 months said she wanted to break up because she needed to be single.

 

Before this happened, I checked in with her multiple time (once at 2 months, and once at 3 and 5) because I felt like my needs were not being met, and she seemed stressed by the relationship, yet she insisted that she wanted to stay in. I offered to go to therapy, and even pay for it when she said she wanted to split because I felt like we had invested a lot and had common personalities/goals, however we ended up taking another 2 months to break things off during which time hurtful things were said (all of which I can forgive-she said them, but they were outbursts and insults so I don't take them seriously).

 

I wanted to work on it and probably tried too hard. I offered a break even. She said she wanted to stay friends but that she wanted to be single and date other people. That was the deal breaker for me. I told her if she dated other people our relationship was over.

 

She had been ****ty with me (nitpicking everything I did) for a while, and it got worse at this point so I told her that we weren't friends since she didn't treat me with the respect that my friends treated me with. This seemed to resonate with her and make her angry, she demanded to know what we were, and I told her I didn't know yet

 

We had been visiting friends, at the time so I waited until we returned then told her that I didn't want to communicate and took down all social media. She was pissed, clearly, but as far as I am concerned this was a way of retaining mutual respect.

 

I know that it may have seemed unsympathetic but I didn't ghost on her, and I was honest. I have a suspicion she got back with her ex, not that I know since I have kept my eyes as far away as I can even when her friends post creep onto my media.

 

It's been a couple months, and I do still love her but I will never tolerate that kind of relationship, and I feel like it was a lousy thing to try to string me along for emotional support when I was there for her, the least she could have done is let me go in peace with some respect. She didn't give me respect, so I had to take it and I am frustrated that had to be the outcome.

 

People, can you please explain, why, in this situation she wouldn't try to do right by me too? I mean it's cool if you don't want to date, it's cool if you want to "figure yourself out" it's cool if you want to be with someone else, but don't drag somene along, let them go.

 

It's been 2 months of no contact, and I don't intend to reach out. I did all the work I could or would do, if she wants things to work I would consider it but only if she put in the effort this time and I'm not counting on it. Thoughts?

Edited July 25, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~T

[2011EvoGSR]

Well sounds like you have your head screwed on straight to me. I was just dumped a little over 20 days ago out of the blue. Totally blindsided me and she most likely viewed me as needy and all those other things as well. Funny how I wasn't needy when I was their for her in the most trying time of her life. Guess she was the needy one then.

 

I could not agree with you more about the honeymoon phase and what it takes to make something work beyond that and I think my ex felt the same way as yours. Always searching for that newness and the feeling that comes with it. Bottom line is relationships are work beyond a certain point. It does take passion love and dedication to your significant other. There will be highs and their will be lows. What you have to remember is why you fell in love with that person in the first place. If a women allows herself to think only about the negatives she will then give herself a reason to move on.

 

Hard part for us is never knowing if they will be back. I fully expect to hear back from mine but not for a long time. I'm talking like a year or two. By that time who knows if I will ever be able to let go of what she has done to me. Guess that's the moment we find out if we were really in love at all. For now I'm a ghost I didn't chase nor will I. I'm a good person she knows it. I treated her better then she has ever been treated before.

 

Bottom line is I'm right her with you. I agree with what you have said and the course of action you took. Keep on keeping on job well done so far.

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

Interesting... same sort of breakup happened to me nearly 8 months ago. He also made a comment once when I asked him what happened with previous relationships 'they just fizzle out'. The 'Spark' went for him, yet he still liked me as a person...

 

I had him get in touch after 6 months and it became clear to me he wanted me in the Friendzone. To relieve guilt possibly? I don't know. I sent him a message after briefly being back in contact saying I didn't want to be touch anymore and blocked him.

 

I think we've done the right thing. If someone thinks we are not good enough to be their partner then why should they be able to be our friend?

Edited July 25, 2017 by Heartbrokenandhurt

[preraph]

I honestly think she's just not done being single. So I think you have done the right thing by stopping contact because hanging around while she sees other guys is not going to elevate you in her eyes, so there's no reason to do it. And it sounds like you guys also don't have very compatible temperaments, so probably wasn't going to work anyway. I'm sorry. Hope you find someone you love.

[Craig87]

Totally agree with you there. I even encouraged her to do that when we were breaking up. I was just pissed that she strung me along, and was not honest with me or herself. In her words, this was "not about me" which I also affirmed. These were not my problems as far as I am concerned, and she decided to leave the relationship so why wouldn't she want me to be happy too? Why would she try to make the situation more difficult for me?

Edited July 25, 2017 by Craig87

[Craig87]

I kind of think it is a lack of maturity. Despite our closeness in age, she has not hit the same emotional milestones I have. That is a process that is often, long, slow, and painful but it is necessary for growth.

[preraph]

Yes, I think that's right. Some young women like to kind of play house or act like they are a couple but they're really not mature enough to sustain anything but a chaotic union. And also, your temperaments are not really lined up and hoping maybe someday you'll meet someone more on your wavelength. And you will.

[staggerlee71]

here Is the hard part about your situation. you wanted to fight for her so you did. even when you knew things were not right. you EXPECTED her to do the same. but she didn't want to fight for it. she just didn't meet the expectation you had.

 

its a bitch because she was stringing you a bit. she was unsure and doing what was best for her. only when you applied enough pressure did she crack.

 

when they string, they are feeling weak and feed on your strength. you were the strong one.

 

I applaud you effort and commitment to trying and only hope you continue to believe you fight for relationships in the future.

 

This stings...but truly, there was no amount of fight you could have had. she was not able, willing, scared, whatever.

 

this is beyond you.

[Craig87]

You couldn't have put it better Staggerlee. I know I couldn't have done any better, the only thing I could have done was left sooner. Least I know I gave all I could, and for her, she gave all she could or was willing to and the result is what it is. I feel good knowing I left the relationship giving it all I could even though she is the one that ended things. I've made dramatic improvements in my own life, not that it was ever that bad, but nevertheless everything is going 10 times better than it was when we were together. Her loss. Takes a long time to find someone who you connect with in all those ways who will go that distance for you. It took me almost 7-8 years, and I was on the other side last time. One of my greatest regrets ever.

Edited July 28, 2017 by Craig87

[trustyourself]

You are looking at this the right way.

 

You tried, she did not for whatever reason, be it immaturity, lack/fear of commitment or there was someone else etc etc etc. It is a long list.

 

I made the mistake in my last relationship of getting back with her twice. I thought she was "the one". The issue is, she would be very convincing about working on our issues, rebuilding trust etc. So I would take her back.

 

Then...

 

No effort on her side. I would get frustrated, things would get tense. We would argue, and she would leave. (This last time, she used her parents dissaproval, and the fact that maybe we were too broken to fix as the reason. 4 days later she is with someone else )

 

I realize now that it was never going to work. Not if she was not even willing to put in the hard yards and fight for it.

 

If she comes back, she needs to prove to you that she is willing to fight for what you had. If she comes back and its all words. Cut the cord. Save yourself the pain.

 

Learn to read the red flags. Learn to be cautious and not get swept away in the honeymoon lust in your next relationship. Too much passion blinds you to the warning signs.

 

Good luck man.

[breadbin]

You couldn't have put it better Staggerlee. I know I couldn't have done any better, the only thing I could have done was left sooner. Least I know I gave all I could, and for her, she gave all she could or was willing to and the result is what it is. I feel good knowing I left the relationship giving it all I could even though she is the one that ended things. I've made dramatic improvements in my own life, not that it was ever that bad, but nevertheless everything is going 10 times better than it was when we were together. Her loss. Takes a long time to find someone who you connect with in all those ways who will go that distance for you. It took me almost 7-8 years, and I was on the other side last time. One of my greatest regrets ever.

 

life is too short for regrets craig87, it's her loss. if you can come out of a relationship knowing you did your best then it wasn't meant to be. i'd say chalk it down to two people seeing things differently.

[Craig87]

I guess I feel like I need to validate this relationship and that it did happen for some reason. I have been working to move on, and I don't want closure but it's definitely toasted out, and I am trying to date other people.

 

I ended it the best way possible, wishing her happiness and a bright future in her other relationships when it ended, then I iced her out which she was probably upset about. We have not spoken since. I know she is dating again, and so am I, but the truth is that I am not recharged even for the great people I have met.

 

I guess maybe that is because I gave my all to this thing, but it blows. I really do just want her to be happy, but I had to cut contact because I was not willing to do that at my expense.

 

It sucks when you do all that you can do, even wish them best in the continued life without you, but still feel like you made a mistake and that you should reach out and try again. My head knows the right thing, my heart is just being an *******. I think/hope that in the next 4 months this feeling fades, and I can live without the grip on my heart.

 

I know that I cannot be friends in this situation, and it is not what I want/need. I don't care what happens anymore, I just want to move on. I am already two months in. I don't know why I am the one who feels guilty? I gave her all the love I could and she still left, I just couldn't sacrifice my needs and feelings in anyway that would be helpful.

Edited August 1, 2017 by Craig87