Broke up, regret it now

[mike.c]

Hi everyone, first time poster here. Let me start by saying that I found this site 2 days ago and it really helped to put some things into perspective. You guys are great.

 

A year and a half ago I broke up with my girfriend, with whom I spent the entire year before that (something like 13 months). She was my first actual girlfriend, for whom I cared deeply. First time I REALLY tried to get a girl and succeeded and it turned out to be great. First sex also. I was 24.

 

One thing I want to mention is my emotional problems from (probably) childhood and other unresolved issues. I had been suffering from terrible stomach pains and other nasty things for many years. It was difficult to open up about this. It had been eating me alive and I started to going to a therapist. It helped a little.

 

Seven or eight months into the relationship, it took a turn for the worse. First job, my band's first gig, which (literally) was scaring the **** out of me, I couldn't eat. Also, we had our first vacation planned, we were going away with my parents, who she hadn't met before. My therapist bailed on me during this time also. All of this was literally killing me. I caved and went to see a doctor, who subscribed me paroxetine to take daily - a drug that basically blocks your emotions, including stress. I started taking it and after a few weeks I felt it starting to help.

 

However, after a month or two the side-effects started to kick in. Sex was... difficult as I was becoming less and less emotionally available, my feelings for her just started to fade away. I was wondering why that was. After another 4 months of this, I decided to break up with her. I didn't have a good reason. I felt I need to move on to something else, meet other people and let her go, she was my first and I was anxious to get more experience with girls before I meet 'the one', 'the real deal'. After reading this forum - classic T.G.I.G. syndrome (thanks forum). I dumped her and didn't even flinch - an effect of taking the drug. I texted her from time to time to meet and talk for a while, maybe get a beer, I dont even know why (now I know, breadcrumbs, but I didnt do it intentionally - thanks again forum). In the back of my head I knew she was special, but I was still on the drug and still felt like I needed to sow my wild oats, though I definitely thought about getting her back.

 

A year after our breakup I thought enough is enough, I was fed up with all that bull****, I fought hard to get off the paroxetine and I did it, and as I did my feelings for her started to come back. It gave me even more motivation to become a better man, I had to get her back, I HAD TO. Started to work out, better diet, less time in my head. Quit the medication fast, had terrible nightmares for weeks. F**k that, I can make it. Six months of this later I texted her to meet. Wanted to start easy, we talked for 10 minutes, didnt mention anything. Set up to meet again, she reluctantly agreed. I text her days later and she says she doesn't really want to do it, because she is seeing someone. It didn't really hit me at first, but the more I pushed the more she refused. I started to feel her slip away. I texted her girl friend, turned out they had been going out for over a year... I started to realise it's too late, it killed me. I went into panic mode, I cried everyday knowing it was hopeless. How could I have been so stupid? Why did I wait so long? I messaged her again that I was working on becoming the best man I can so I could take care of her better and she refused to even see me for 5 minutes... I don't blame her. I f**ked up.

 

That was 4-5 weeks ago, I'm slowly coming to terms with this, but still I catch myself thinking what else can be done to get her back. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. The hardest part is that I am responsible. I pushed her away. I even told her that the break-up is good for her, because it made her trust someone again... I am a f*cking piece of *****. Granted, I didn't know why I was doing it at the time, but now I've grown and I see it.

 

I can't stand the thought of her not looking-up to me with those green eyes again, she's looking at someone else now. It's killing me.

 

I realise this is a very long post and I'm sorry. I needed to vent. I don't know if I'll ever come to terms with hurting her like that and being the cause why we're not together.

Edited June 28, 2017 by mike.c

[d0nnivain]

Sadly, reconciliation is probably not in your future. Use this as a learning experience to understand that break ups have consequences & you can't treat somebody else like a yo yo, pushing them away & then trying to pull them back.

 

 

From her perspective she resents you because you in essence treated her like she was disposable. Now that you find that somebody better is hard to come by, you want her back. To her that feels like you are settling & she wants no part of it.

[hestheone66]

If you love someone you will be happy they have found happiness, albeit without you..

 

You can know you made some mistakes, but don't be hard on yourself, it's part of life, growing up..

 

She wasn't the "one"..you will find her..then she won't let you go

[mike.c]

Sadly, reconciliation is probably not in your future. Use this as a learning experience to understand that break ups have consequences & you can't treat somebody else like a yo yo, pushing them away & then trying to pull them back.

 

 

From her perspective she resents you because you in essence treated her like she was disposable. Now that you find that somebody better is hard to come by, you want her back. To her that feels like you are settling & she wants no part of it.

 

I am ashamed of what I did. It took me time, but this was the biggest mistake in my 27 year old life. This wasn't the way I was raised and the kind of person I see myself as. I didn't think I would ever be capable of such things. I think I wasn't being quite myself because of the medication, but still, the decision was mine to make. How could I have been so stupid... If I had known sooner she started seeing someone, I wouldn't have waited so long. I hate my friends for not telling me, apparently they all knew, but nobody told me. Now it's too late.

 

I keep beating myself up over this, but back then I just didn't know what I had. Nothing makes sense anymore. I really was set on a path of becoming a better person, fixing my wrong-doings and getting her back, I would do anything for her, I'd ditch my job, my band and the town I live in. I can't take this.

Edited June 29, 2017 by mike.c

[d0nnivain]

You didn't do anything horrible. You wanted a change. You effectuated change in your life. She moved on. It happens.

 

 

She is not the only woman in the world.

 

 

You will find somebody else. Stop beating yourself up but do let go.

[mike.c]

Finding it really hard to move on. Some days are fine, others I cry. The guilt is killing me. I remember all the good times with her, how much she loved me and how I destroyed it all. None of the girls I got after the break-up were worth it.

 

I saw her a couple of days ago, actually didn't see her but she approached me asking how I am. I don't think she was trying to be cruel, she is just so over me that she is able to ask that without any feelings towards me whatsoever. I think it's worse, I'd rather she cheated on me while we were still together. That way I could be angry at her and know she was not the one if she could do that.

 

The way I feel now is that she actually was the one and I killed it in her. I'd want to spend the rest of my life with her. It's hard to maintain NC with all these thoughts running through my head. I keep thinking 'I need to let her know how I feel about her', so that maybe in the future she would give me a chance if they broke up or something, but that's probably not going to happen.

 

On the other hand they say that if a man really loves a woman, he fights for her. I'm constantly on the fence, everyday I go between leaving her the **** alone to be happy with her new BF and sending her 'that one last text' to let her know about all this, as she will not see me. I don't know what to do.

 

I'd really rather she broke up with me, it would be easier to let go.