I love him but I broke it off and now he's removing me from his life :(

[komorebin]

Hi everyone, this is my first post. I'm not sure if I should type in past or present tense as we've just broken up a few days ago, so apologies if the story bounces back and forth.

 

Long story short: We were together in a long distance relationship (he's in England and I'm in America) for about a year and a half. He minds the distance a lot whereas I don't.

 

He wanted/wants to marry me so that he can move here and be with me. I'm not ready for marriage right now. I'm 20, live at home, and I'm just going back to school to get my bachelor's because I finally know what I want to do. I told him that I want to wait until I have my career established or after I get my bachelor's degree so that would be 4-5 years. He told me that "nobody would wait that long".

 

He gave me these options: start the marriage process now (would take 9 months to process) or break up since he won't wait. I told him that breaking up would be the best option. After a few days, he tells me that I should give him another chance hence why I'm posting in here.

 

Do I love him? Yes.

 

Why did I want to break up instead of giving us another chance?

 

Moreso than being financially unstable, there have been a lot of bumps in the relationship that make me lack complete faith in the relationship.

 

Background: When we first got together, there was another girl in the picture. She was local to him and he never met her. They talked online. I think she sent him a picture or two of herself in a corset. No nudity but still not okay to me. There were flirty messages too like him telling her to tease herself in the context of masturbation. It never got explicit but still, who would say that to another person while being in a relationship? I knew that at one point, he contemplated between being with me and her WHILE we were in a relationship. He openly told me this and he obviously picked me but carried on talking to her. I didn't know they continued until I went there and saw that he was messaging her while we were having dinner's at his mom's (they were no longer flirtatious but still bothered me). I also never knew about those exact texts being exchanged until I went to England and saw them for myself on his phone. Long story short, he didn't stop messaging her until she blocked him. She blocked him because he was being argumentative on her post; he says he did this on purpose to get her to block him so they wouldn't talk but if he wanted to stop, why didn't he just block her? Anyway, the girl ever being in the picture was the start of my insecurity.

 

He used to also make comments about how he liked big boobs and other features that I didn't have. His ex had big boobs and I have small to average boobs. I never had a problem with my boobs until he brought that up.

 

When we'd go out, he would point out what other girls were wearing and he would tell me how I should wear that or how it would look good if I wore that outfit even if it weren't my style. I felt like he wanted to change me.

 

It became so predictable that I'd notice the kinds of girls he'd look at while we were out in town or shopping.

 

When we once went out with the family, he pointed out some girls wearing bikinis. He was talking about it publicly with his sister's boyfriend and that really hurt and humiliated me because he didn't respect me enough to not mention it.

 

After many months and arguments, he eventually learned to stop. He started to compliment me after I told him that I didn't feel beautiful because of those incidents (I was confident in my appearance before meeting him too). That being said, all of this happened in 2016. However, the insecurity remains. He stopped doing this a year ago, but I can't help but think he's looking at girls every time we go out now. :/

 

We've also always had a mentor-mentee type of relationship. He would tell me of his problems and I'd help him and encourage him. I never minded that. The only thing I did mind was that I never got anything back. He never really showed interest in me or asked me any questions regarding my life up until I brought up the break up so like two days before it happened. When he did though, it was amazing. I wish our relationship were like that the entire time.

 

I'm not trying to paint him as a bad person because I know he genuinely does care about me. I'm just stating why and where my concerns come from. I've visited him 3 times now. I definitely do enjoy spending time with him. We do have similar interests. Despite every horrible thing I'm saying, I do genuinely love him a lot. We've had so many great memories and I can envision us having a future together, but I'm just not sure if this relationship is the best thing for me.

 

Pros: He really has put in effort to change and has improved so much given everything he has been through. He now compliments me every single day. He tells me I'm beautiful and he's sorry he ever said and put me through those things. He's slightly more open on issues I care about such as gay rights and not being so judgmental. He said he'll do anything to make me change my mind about the break up.

 

Can I trust him? Can I ever recover from the past? This ultimatum is putting a lot of pressure on me. I wish he were willing to wait for me to be ready for marriage. :/ What do I do?

Edited June 20, 2017 by komorebin

[elaine567]

You are only 20 and you see a life and a career ahead for yourself, so do NOT let this guy derail you.

 

If you were 50, then asking him to wait 4-5 years would be ridiculous but you are only 20, you have a lot of growing up to do, a lot of life to live and things to experience before you would ever think of settling down.

Marriage just now for you, would be a disaster.

[PegNosePete]

He gave me these options: start the marriage process now (would take 9 months to process) or break up since he won't wait. I told him that breaking up would be the best option.

You chose wisely. Agreeing to marry someone under pressure is a very silly thing to do. You should get married because you want to, not because some guy tells you he won't take no for an answer.

 

he contemplated between being with me and her WHILE we were in a relationship. He openly told me this and he obviously picked me but carried on talking to her.

Really? And you believe he has never met her and that he has told you the full story? Sorry I wouldn't believe a word of this. It's very likely you only know the tip of the iceberg.

 

This ultimatum is putting a lot of pressure on me. I wish he were willing to wait for me to be ready for marriage. :/ What do I do?

Look from everything you've written this guy sounds like a grade A douche. You should tell him that you will not marry him just because he wants to, and that putting pressure on you is emotional manipulation and you will not stand for it.

 

If he doesn't immediately apologise then you should dump him on the spot.

[Lazy Fox]

I'm the guy in this situation and I was going to refrain from commenting but i wont stand for being called a "douche" by a stranger online.

I never met the girl in question, and had my ex girlfriend actually portrayed me in a less than evil light, it might have been apparent that i'm not the type to ever lie.

Perhaps read my own thread on the same topic to get a more balanced understanding (we both agreed to post our own topics, but i feel this one is lacking in terms of neutrality).

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/long-distance-relationships/627395-my-girlfriend-doesn-t-have-enough-faith-commit-marriage

 

She completely leaves out the fact that 3 months ago she WANTED to marry and that she only recently changed her mind... Please read my article.

Edited June 20, 2017 by Lazy Fox

[komorebin]

I've been with him for over a year and while him talking to the girl was shady, I don't doubt what he told me. He's quite an honest guy. I believe him when he tells me he hasn't seen her. He really has changed a lot from that time.

 

After reading through this, I can now see why he may seem like a douche. I only really talked about what led me to feel doubt without highlighting all the good points and memories (which existed). He definitely didn't treat me the best in the beginning, but like I said, most of this was in 2016. I do agree that marrying under pressure isn't right though.

[Lazy Fox]

I think my post gives more background information on the topic.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/long-distance-relationships/627395-my-girlfriend-doesn-t-have-enough-faith-commit-marriage

[Spartakooty]

Sigh...you two are young and a continent apart. There are more people out there. Accept that there is no way this will work as it is.

[komorebin]

I made a post a few days. I basically broke up with my bf. He has accepted that now. I think it's good for both of us, but I've been crying for a few hours now.

 

I deal with depression and I'm feeling so depressed and worthless right now. I hate myself. I know it's the depression speaking, but that's currently how I feel. I might see if I can get therapy again but I'll more likely deal with this on my own because when I get depressed, I barely have energy to go out.

 

I left him a voice message saying I forgive him, I love you, and thank you for everything. We originally agreed to be friends but I don't think I can do it right now if I want to move on. I told him in the message that I think I'd need 30 days of no contact. I hope I'm not making the wrong decision. This was my first real relationship and everything is sucking a lot right now.

 

I was crying while making the message but not uncontrollably. Hopefully, he doesn't notice or it doesn't set him back (he didn't want the break up). I feel so bad for even sending it but I felt the need to say it in case he didn't know.

 

TLDR; broke up with bf, feeling a bit suicidal and majorly depressed. How to cope? I don't want to block him.

[trailwolf]

what is the reason for the break up ?

[stillafool]

If you are feeling suicidal please call your therapist today. You are correct that you two can't be friends. You just have to move on.

[amurb]

I made a post a few days. I basically broke up with my bf. He has accepted that now. I think it's good for both of us, but I've been crying for a few hours now.

 

I deal with depression and I'm feeling so depressed and worthless right now. I hate myself. I know it's the depression speaking, but that's currently how I feel. I might see if I can get therapy again but I'll more likely deal with this on my own because when I get depressed, I barely have energy to go out.

 

I left him a voice message saying I forgive him, I love you, and thank you for everything. We originally agreed to be friends but I don't think I can do it right now if I want to move on. I told him in the message that I think I'd need 30 days of no contact. I hope I'm not making the wrong decision. This was my first real relationship and everything is sucking a lot right now.

 

I was crying while making the message but not uncontrollably. Hopefully, he doesn't notice or it doesn't set him back (he didn't want the break up). I feel so bad for even sending it but I felt the need to say it in case he didn't know.

 

TLDR; broke up with bf, feeling a bit suicidal and majorly depressed. How to cope? I don't want to block him.

 

I am so sorry you are going through this. Being friends may be something you can work on in the future, but you need to get yourself healthy first. Seeing a therapist could be a good idea, if you aren't able to afford one, there is a website called the hopeline.com and they do free counseling over the phone, it might be a good investment into your future and your current state. Good luck.

[komorebin]

what is the reason for the break up ?

 

Some things happened in the past (2016) and my trust and faith in the relationship isn't complete. Improvements happened but I feel it's a little too late as the damage has been done :/

[komorebin]

If you are feeling suicidal please call your therapist today. You are correct that you two can't be friends. You just have to move on.

 

I'm fine. I just needed to cry it out. The feeling comes and goes. It's just a part of the depression. We're still friends on facebook and I don't want to remove him. I know it would be easier for me to move on if I just cut contact, but I can't. I won't message him first though.

[komorebin]

I am so sorry you are going through this. Being friends may be something you can work on in the future, but you need to get yourself healthy first. Seeing a therapist could be a good idea, if you aren't able to afford one, there is a website called the hopeline.com and they do free counseling over the phone, it might be a good investment into your future and your current state. Good luck.

 

Thank you for your words. I hope you have a nice day <3

[amaysngrace]

It's probably a bad idea to be friends on Facebook while you're trying to get over him.

 

Why don't you want to block him?

[komorebin]

It's probably a bad idea to be friends on Facebook while you're trying to get over him.

 

Why don't you want to block him?

 

He always told me that he didn't want me to block him on Facebook as we were long distance; if I blocked him, it would be kind of like I don't exist. Also, an ex of his did a similar thing to him. I told him that I would never do that and I want to keep my promise. Plus, I want to be available to him if he ever needs a friend or emotional support.

[Ronnys93]

He always told me that he didn't want me to block him on Facebook as we were long distance; if I blocked him, it would be kind of like I don't exist. Also, an ex of his did a similar thing to him. I told him that I would never do that and I want to keep my promise. Plus, I want to be available to him if he ever needs a friend or emotional support.

 

Okay, so I'm not going to tell you that you can't be friends EVER, but you can't be friends right now. And him leaning on you for emotional support is not a good idea. It gives you both an excuse to reach out to each other and never get over each other. Do yourself a favor and unfriend him (but don't block him). You CAN unfollow his posts on Facebook but unfortunately unless you hide your chat sidebar you'll always see him when he's online. Unfriend and work on moving on for yourself.

 

The thing that you're doing (I'm guilty of it too) is putting his priorities over yours. You're no longer together, so focus on your own priorities at the moment.

[komorebin]

Okay, so I'm not going to tell you that you can't be friends EVER, but you can't be friends right now. And him leaning on you for emotional support is not a good idea. It gives you both an excuse to reach out to each other and never get over each other. Do yourself a favor and unfriend him (but don't block him). You CAN unfollow his posts on Facebook but unfortunately unless you hide your chat sidebar you'll always see him when he's online. Unfriend and work on moving on for yourself.

 

The thing that you're doing (I'm guilty of it too) is putting his priorities over yours. You're no longer together, so focus on your own priorities at the moment.

 

I think that's what I subconsciously want... an excuse for either of us to reach out. I just miss him so much. You're right in that I should work on moving on though. I've unfollowed him on facebook.

[Ronnys93]

I think that's what I subconsciously want... an excuse for either of us to reach out. I just miss him so much. You're right in that I should work on moving on though. I've unfollowed him on facebook.

 

It's okay! I'm going through it too, it's rough. I look at my phone all the time to see if he's reached out.

[komorebin]

It's okay! I'm going through it too, it's rough. I look at my phone all the time to see if he's reached out.

 

 

If you want him to talk to you then why don't you talk to him?

[Ashl]

''If you want him to talk to you then why don't you talk to him?''

Maybe for the same reason as you.

[komorebin]

My ex has just messaged me telling me that he respects my decision to break up and he will now be removing me from Facebook because he thinks that's what I want.

 

I'm sad. It's not what I want at all. I just want to be with him again but I know that's not right and it's unfair for me to tell him how I feel when I'm the one that broke it off (you can read both of our backstories if you go to my page). This sucks because I feel like my only option is to leave the message on read. It took him a lot stop crying and begging for me to give him another chance. Now that he wants to move on, I should let him.

 

I'm having such a difficult time coping. All I've been doing these past few days (maybe 3, I lose track of time) are staying in bed. I usually love food but I'm barely hungry. Yesterday, I had my first meal at 5pm. It's 2pm now and I'm having my first bite of food which is watermelon. I cried it all out the day we talked. Now I'm literally out of tears and feel so empty. I know the right thing to do is let him remove me and move on with his life though. I'm scared I've made a bad decision but I can't take it back now. Not sure what I'm hoping to gain from this post. Just venting I suppose.

[springy]

So you are both on this site and he is taking the NC route. Best to give him the space he has asked for. Not sure how NC will work with both of you on here reading each other's threads?

 

Anyway, it's incredibly difficult to heal while still in contact. In order to expedite the process you've pretty much got to go cold turkey. He made the right decision for both of you. The pain will pass in good time. Sorry, but if you broke up it was for good reason so keep that in mind.

[basil67]

Wow, it's not often we get to hear both sides of the story.

 

I told your ex that you made the right decision. And that was before I realised that you were only 20yo!!! You now have more support than ever from me.

 

He made his decision and gave you an ultimatum: get married now or end it. You chose the only realistic option. I know he holds it against you that you previously said that you'd marry him, but there is no crime in rethinking decisions. Especially if the previous decision looks foolish under without rose coloured glasses.

 

But he is right to want No Contact. (not that it can successfully be done with both of you posting here). No Contact gives you both the space required to gain clarity and start over. You made a correct and sensible decision. Now, give him the space he requires to heal.

 

You will both get over this with time and space.

[Bromeo]

It took him a lot stop crying and begging for me to give him another chance. Now that he wants to move on, I should let him.

 

This says everything. He worked very hard to salvage your relationship, and you ended it a second time. And now he's had enough, and you are heartbroken.

 

I can't render solid counsel here, as this is the type of thing I constantly try my best to help guys on LS about. So I'll leave it to the rest of the community.