How to overcome GIGS breakup?

[Anathema]

Two moths ago my boyfriend 1.5 years indicated to me that he feels he is less in love, but wants to work on the relationship. After that I had one month of hell where I was trying not to be pushy, and not to be influenced with the situation, but couldn't help but feel less secure and annoyed with him becoming more distanced and cold, and wanting to go out more.

 

Once we went out during this period, and after the party we returned to his place. I felt sad and mad because during our night out I felt like he only cared to be surrounded by his friends. I initiated fight and angrily stormed out. After five minutes I returned to pick up the phone, and he was already sleeping like a baby.

 

His "working on the relationship" was sending once some link about relationships (after I sent dozens of helpful articles) asking me to what extent do I need a relationship to feel happy. He agreed with me many times that he has a trouble with sharing his thoughts and expressing his feelings, but never made any effort to change it. He seemed genuinely sad because of that, when we would discuss that, he would get upset and all teary.

 

For his birthday he indicated how he would like to make a party for our friends on Friday, then visit his parents on Saturday, then go to another birthday party of his friend in the evening, and on Sunday travel to another city with me. During the visit to his parents I had a slight food poisoning and didn't feel well. Even though I was feeling bad I said that I will still go to the party with him. He said that we don't have to go, but of course chose to do so. At the party we were standing for a couple of hours, where he never asked me how do I feel, or anything. At one point I just felt like I am about to faint, so I told him that I need to sit. Only then he realized that it would be better if we leave. On the next day, being completely exhausted again, I didn't want to decline finally reserved time for just the two of us, so we went on the city trip. It was nice overall, until we sat in a bar. There I had couple of beers, and after all these painful days I burst into tears. I didn't stop crying since I reached our city. There he said that he thinks we should at least have one week break, as that was something that I purposed. (I proposed that maybe few days before during some fight) That made me even more angry, so I run home hoping that he will come after me. Nothing, he just biked back home. Then I called him to come to my place, where I cried even more and completely humiliated myself. The "deal" remained not to see each other for a week.

 

Two days after that he sent me a message that maybe we should talk about us. When I asked why is he now breaking the agreement he insisted on, he said he thinks that it shouldn't be postponed. I called him and somehow forced him to admit that he is about to break up. He shows up at my doors a bit shaky, almost without any words. I did all the talking by saying that we won't be any friends, and that he is relieved from having me in his life. That was our breakup.

 

Then he attempted asking how I am couple of times in weeks after that, and said that we should exchange things. I snapped completely and we exchanged some messages. Then I found out the reason of our breakup. He said that he knows that difficulties that we had are not something that big, but he simply could not see us spending the rest of our lives together. These words are still ringing inside of my head on a daily basis. He also said that he knows he has to work on his issues as well, but that won't be next to me.

 

I asked did he ever saw himself spend the rest of his life with anyone else, and even if he did that's not any guarantee of successful committed relationship. I asked what are the factors that he cannot imagine himself having around for the rest of our lives, and he said that we are emotionally too different.

 

Couple of weeks after, we had two events at work where we had to see each other. On both of them he showed up looking extremely happy, like he is not affected at all. He didn't even say hi and just quietly handled me the bag with my belongings. In this bag he put every single thing that he could find in his house that was mine. After that I texted him to come to my place to pick-up some stuff, when he came he seemed a bit upset and shaky and tried initiating some small talk. On the next event he didn't say anything to me, but was smiling. From my perspective he looked like nothing has ever happened. Maybe he felt revealed cause I seemed like I was having fun.

 

I am sorry for the super long post. I needed to vent out. I am so sad and I don't know how to overcome this. I know that from my perspective I did all that I could, but simply knowing that he thinks that he can do better than me just rips my heart out. I also did compromise a lot to be in the relationship with him, and I was hoping that he will become more emotionally mature over time. He had only one girlfriend before me five years ago, and he also broke up that one. He is 27 and I am 29.

[Captivating]

Hi,

I obviously don't know what he is thinking. These are ideas.

Some people think when the "honey-moon phase" is over there is a problem in the relationship, although this is a normal relationship dynamic, Also, some people are addicted to this highly fueled passionate " being in love" phase and keep having new relationships every two years ...

He is young and hasn't have enough experience.

You need to work on your "storming out" in the meantime.

Him calling you after the breakup to see how you are doing is very nice of him. It shows that he cares about your well-being.

[ExpatInItaly]

I have learned that when someone feels the way he does, it really is best to just let them go. I know this is easier said than done, but it hurts a lot more to hang on to someone when they're already out the door.

 

He'd apparently been having doubts for a little while about your long-term compatibility. Trying to reason with someone or convince them to work on it when their heart just isn't in it is futile, usually.

 

I don't necessarily believe in the general idea of GIGS, in that it's not an ailment someone catches and can thus be cured of - so to speak. I think he just doesn't feel you two are a match and he isn't ready to commit.

 

As Captivating also mentioned, you also need to find a different strategy to resolve conflict than storming out and running away. That doesn't work and honestly, it's juvenile. I know you were very hurt in the moment, but now would be an ideal time to think about how you'd manage the same level of pain the future without resorting to tactics like that.

Edited June 4, 2017 by ExpatInItaly

[Anathema]

Thank you for your replies. This is so painful to read, I was crying since I woke up and read the comments.

 

I am aware that my behaviour was juvenile. I never behaved like that with him, before he mentioned for the first time that he is having doubts. Every single time I couldn't prevent myself from doing that. On a rational level, I knew it's a terrible idea, and I will just push him away even more, but something was pushing me to continue with that and make complete idiot out of myself. In the past, I used to act like that more often. I honestly don't know how to prevent myself from doing these things when I am going through such an emotional distress.

 

I also don't think our honeymoon phase was completely over, we had great love life till the very end. It's so hard for me to grasp that he completely checked out and thought that we are not a good match. I feel depressed and I will definitely seek help.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry you're feeling so down, OP. I know it's rough.

 

Hard as it is, sometimes we just don't feel strongly enough about the other person to continue once the initial sparks wear off. And sometimes one party just isn't ready to settle down yet. I have a feeling that may be what happened here, unless there's more to it that he's not sharing.

[Anathema]

During this month of him having doubts, he mentioned couple of times that he is aware that he was not expressing enough things that bothered him.

 

I tend to believe that even his friends could have had influenced him. He has a group of friends that he is very attached to, in a way that he cannot confront them, or stand up for himself.

 

The thing is I keep asking myself questions like - is it because I come from less developed country, does he think I am not pretty enough, is it my smell. Our parents met just two weeks before our breakup. I had some difficulties with job which made me stressed a lot. Would it be different if I wasn't complaining to him. I even asked my ex boyfriends am I a high maintenance, and they told me I am not. I have issues with self esteem and I kept asking him for instance if he is faithful to me. I don't know if I could have acted differently at all, and would that save the relationship at all.

 

When he mentioned things that bothered him it was about me not wanting to plan and organize things in advance as he does, or the fact that he is restless and if he is feeling stressed he likes to go out and run, and I like to stay at home and relax. He was also upset with how much the work bothers me (he related that to the issues he had himself in the past, so acted a little too sensitive). But during these messages, he emphasized how he knows our issues were not that big, but he just couldn't see ourselves for the rest of our lives together. I don't know how to accept that he stopped loving me and move on.

[Sweetfish]

I was hoping that he will become more emotionally mature over time. He had only one girlfriend before me five years ago, and he also broke up that one. He is 27 and I am 29.

 

This right here is something I seen in many young women. Between 27ish-30ish is when many women mature-up and want to settle down. While for men 27 and up is their prime years. Its like women date the "Alpha" archetype guy and than try to turn him to a "Beta" when they want to make commitments and settle down.

 

On the other hand, I am two years older and kind of ready to settle down. I want stability in life.

 

Remember this? This is what many women do (not all).. I'm actually curious to what happen to the ex prior to your recent. The guy that could offer you a stable life?

 

as another member stated you cannot "cure" GIGS its not a disease or listed in the CDC. He simply needs to purge his need for partying and drinking and (maybe) eventually he will settle down or may be he wont.

 

You can not change him dear and both of you at this time are not compatible nor have your views align. You cannot force the relationship.

 

You can only remove your self and let him feel the absence of you. 100%

 

That is the only thing you can do.

 

After that you should improve you. You pointed out things like jealousy and accusing of flirting and so on. I highly advise you start working out or going to the gym to improve your body and clear your mind. Most women here do not take that advise and most men do.

[Sweetfish]

During this month of him having doubts, he mentioned couple of times that he is aware that he was not expressing enough things that bothered him.

 

I tend to believe that even his friends could have had influenced him. He has a group of friends that he is very attached to, in a way that he cannot confront them, or stand up for himself.

 

The thing is I keep asking myself questions like - is it because I come from less developed country, does he think I am not pretty enough, is it my smell. Our parents met just two weeks before our breakup. I had some difficulties with job which made me stressed a lot. Would it be different if I wasn't complaining to him. I even asked my ex boyfriends am I a high maintenance, and they told me I am not. I have issues with self esteem and I kept asking him for instance if he is faithful to me. I don't know if I could have acted differently at all, and would that save the relationship at all.

 

When he mentioned things that bothered him it was about me not wanting to plan and organize things in advance as he does, or the fact that he is restless and if he is feeling stressed he likes to go out and run, and I like to stay at home and relax. He was also upset with how much the work bothers me (he related that to the issues he had himself in the past, so acted a little too sensitive). But during these messages, he emphasized how he knows our issues were not that big, but he just couldn't see ourselves for the rest of our lives together. I don't know how to accept that he stopped loving me and move on.

 

 

Look at your screen-name. You need to overcome these self-esteem issues before continuing to get into deep relationships.

 

You two may not be compatible and your putting too much stock into your self as a person.

[Anathema]

This right here is something I seen in many young women. Between 27ish-30ish is when many women mature-up and want to settle down. While for men 27 and up is their prime years. Its like women date the "Alpha" archetype guy and than try to turn him to a "Beta" when they want to make commitments and settle down.

 

He is by no means alpha, that's why I started dating him in the first place. He is the one who wants to get married eventually, where I said that I am not sure if I want to do that ever, as I really don't like those ceremonies. He said that he would like to have kids in the future after 30 something. I was not forcing anything, although I was looking forward to moving in together. He liked the idea too, never said anything against that. I never even forced the topic of moving in, after 1.5 years. So if I pushed him away with literally dozen of very vague conversations about the future, well then so be it.

 

I'm actually curious to what happen to the ex prior to your recent.

 

About my previous ex boyfriend, I could write a whole novel. We broke up because I moved to the country to which he didn't want to move. He helped me go through this break up a bit, by suggesting the same things, going to the gym, fixing my acne, working, buying a dog. He is also suggesting to me to move back, as I am clearly not that happy. He said that he still has feelings for me. However, meanwhile he got even deeper into misogynist RedPill philosophy and we have no common views on the majority of topics. He even told me he is paying for hookers!

 

After that you should improve you. You pointed out things like jealousy and accusing of flirting and so on. I highly advise you start working out or going to the gym to improve your body and clear your mind. Most women here do not take that advise and most men do.

 

I am really willing to listen to the advice. I do yoga and my body is in a good shape, but there is always room for improvement.

 

Look at your screen-name. You need to overcome these self-esteem issues before continuing to get into deep relationships.

 

You two may not be compatible and your putting too much stock into your self as a person.

 

My screen name is after the band that I like to listen to.

Can you elaborate what you meant by putting too much stock into your self as a person?

[Captivating]

Anathema,

Please do not take any of our opinions to the heart !

We are outsiders knowing barely anything about the situation that you are in.

The common thing among us that we all have been here, being broken up with, most of us have been through this several times,

so we can definitely relate. We make recommendations based on our own experiences in life. We are all different individuals, with all different backgrounds and life stories.

There are no two relationships alike because of this.

There are general things that most of us experienced at some point and advice you on.

Breakups are very hard, we all agree on this ! It is the REJECTION part which is so shocking for our system, our basic need of being loved, feeling safe is compromised.

Also, our brain is obsessively over-analyze the whole situation, especially the last weeks leading up to the breakup. It's a basic survival mode trying to prevent this happening in the future. (see the video below!)

Well, relationships/ breakups are also a part of a our learning in life, we learn a lot what we do/don't want in a relationship , we also learn a lot about ourselves.

I am way more mature and experienced than I was 20 years ago.... I did a couple of stupid stuff like most people do.

A couple of lessons that I personally learned from my relationships :

 

1. Never depend on anybody in anyway !! This is a tremendous power ! If you are able to provide for yourself and you are not happy in a relationship you can pack up and leave whenever you want to.

2. If you are truly confident, you know what's right and wrong and you keep yourself and lover to the same standard, you will be fine.

3. Have boundaries.

4. Focus on your own life instead of running around each boyfriends' life trying to tailor yours around others. I did not mean to be selfish.

5. Don't ask guys about the current status of the relationship or that if they are faithful to you.... NO !! This shows lack of self -esteem, being desperate....it pushes people away generally.

6. Don't let anyone treat you any less than what you deserve!

7. Find yourself, your passions in life, work on yourself , be happy ....it's very attractive for others.

 

Watch this, it's really good ! <3

 

Edited June 4, 2017 by Captivating

[William]

Moderator bump reflecting an auto-moderated post from the thread starter that languished for a few hours so please read their latest response. Sorry for the delay!

[Anathema]

Hello Captivating,

 

Thanks for the video I really loved it. I also continued watching the other ones. I found a lot of new terms that I want to do the research about like emotional dysregulation, for instance. This is really helping me to understand what was I going through and to learn how to improve my life.

 

I like the advice, and what I have to work on mostly are the low self-esteem and creating healthy boundaries.

 

I also like how I finally shifted focus from ongoing repetitive questions inside of my head, that I couldn't find the answers for, to research of what causes my emotional dysfunction and how to overcome these issues. I also found some nice course on mindfulness, which I plan to take.