When a breakup makes you jump into action

[Makinchanges]

So my gf of 4.5 years broke up with me about a week ago because of old behaviors/attitudes I've had recently.

 

So we've been thru a lot (college, after-college, me getting thru a bad addiction) and have worked thru all of these things. I got outta rehab in October and have made a lot of changes in my life for the better and we stuck together thru this and we're better because of it and having a great time the past several months. However, sometimes old behaviors/attitudes pop up that **** her off, and it recently happened when we went to visit friends in a different city (took her for granted/talking about drugs because it's kind of like a second nature, things like that) and she has subtlety told me she doesn't like them obviously, but because of this weekend she broke up with me and said she wants n needs to be single right now, and it's the best thing for her right now (which is fine by me because she deserves it and I respect/love her enough to give space to find herself and what she wants) but she has acknowledged the changes I have made and that things have been in fact better in the past several months. Anyways, after years of me being an idiot with my life, I have found out that I love her and want to be with her for the long haul (don't need to be with her -I'm very rational and know there are others out there). And I'm just hurt because it's now that I can actually change for the better and fix these things and am prepared to do that (change has been my bread and butter these past couple of months) it seems as tho she had negative emotions/feelings stemming from going to see friends with me because of these Bahaviors/attitudes. She keeps saying "right now" in all of her texts - hasn't changed her Facebook profile pick of us - checks my snap stories pretty quickly. But at the same time seems pretty adamant on this (although it's only been a week). She is genuinely a great person, makes me a better person and vice versa.i know she is the one that I want to share my future with. I just need to know whether my chances are good at getting her back (we've been thru A LOT) but rarely fight or anything like that, we are both down to earth people that care about each other and respect/love each other. Her family likes me and my family likes her and everyone tells me that we will probably get back together. I am just concerned that we won't but I have a good gut feeling that we will and be stronger because of this. I took this break up as an eye opener and know that changes need to occur because she deserves them and so do I. She is such a good girl, and I'm not willing to let her go, but know if I have to I will, I'm not so dramatic to think "all hope is lost if she leaves" we are both 24. I haven't been contacting her all the time to respect her space but just did yesterday/today but she won't reply to some of my messages because it is obvious she is confused but says she put a lot of thought into the relationship as a whole. Any advice on this is welcome and thoughts on whether it will work out

[ExpatInItaly]

As a woman, I can tell you that when we reach the point of wanting out, we usually really mean it and have been thinking about it for a long time. Your comment about drugs was the straw that broke the camel's back, but it didn't cause the break-up and of itself.

 

It sounds like she took on an awful lot for such a young person; dealing the addiction and subsequent recovery of a partner is intense and draining for anyone, but especially for someone with so little life experience yet. You have been together since your were 18/19, correct? The likelihood of it lasting forever is already slim given how young you both were when you started dating. Add the turbulence that comes with drug addiction and you've got a situation that wasn't tenable for the long-term.

 

That's not to say it's impossible that she will come back. She might. But it likely won't be any time soon. She needs time on her own to be young and carefree now. She is obviously not convinced your sobriety will stick, and there is probably a lot of resentment there, even if she's never verbalized it. My sense is that she is mentally worn out. If you two do re-unite, it will happen after you've had real time and space apart and after she sees that you are healthy and able to stay clean on your own.

 

Good for you for getting treatment, by the way. That's a huge step. Focus on maintaining a clean lifestyle, and do it for you. Are you in any type of ongoing drug counselling? Some sort of after-care program? That's where your focus should be now. Relationships and dating can wait.

[Makinchanges]

No I've completed everything and have made big changes. But the thing is is that we have had a great time since I got out and she even admits that - it's just the weekend trip got her focused on negative things and brought up old thoughts. But I've also asked for some sort of closure, but she won't give it too me because she really is confused. But we don't fight, always talk out our problems, and respect each other a lot. The whole drug addiction thing is something we went thru together in college (she isn't an addict but dated one) and when I got clean things got 1000% better in both our minds. I know it'll take time - not saying it won't but I'm also the only thing she has known (which is good and bad) but she is also very genuine where, if she was 100% completely done she would have verbalized it. She isn't a person to string me along and I have asked if I should move on, but she doesn't respond to this. But yeah I mean honestly in my heart of hearts I know she in the one that I see a future with, and I know she wants a future with me (she has said it many many many times) and the whole drug thing has a lot less to do with this then you'd think. She knows the chances of me going back out are superrrr slim - it's just the behavior thing that annoyed her but this breakup was an eye opener cuz we have never truely broken up, and she did not firmly verbalized all the things that were bothering her. And the recovery part was not so draining as it did not involve her, I did it on my own without much help from her, it was prolly the initial shock of rehab and after that it was fine - never even came up again. Oh and she wants kids/marriage in a couple years which I'm willing to give her.

Edited April 25, 2017 by Makinchanges

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, with all due respect, you're contradicting yourself and talking in circles.

 

You say it was your comment about drugs that led to this, and then turn around and say "the drug thing" wasn't as much a part of this as I think. So which is it? If one comment about doing drugs was bothersome enough to cause her to end your relationship, then I think you are very much underestimating how much this issue affected her. Either that or she already wanted to break up with you and was looking for the moment to do it.

 

Look, your "drug thing" was serious enough to warrant rehab. You say it wasn't draining on her as the recovery process didn't involve her, but that tells me you don't get it. Your whole tone is rather dismissive and flippant. She probably senses the same. If you were as solid and close a couple as you claim, then she absolutely felt the effect of your addiction and recovery and your comment was enough to send her running. Think about that before you minimize the toll this has taken on her.

 

If in fact your addiction wasn't a significant factor then I would wager she's just outgrown your relationship. Most people these days don't stay with the partners they met as teens or very young adults; you both have changed so much since then and it's normal to grow up and grow apart. Also, she can't give you closure; that comes from you. She also can't predict the future so of course she can't tell you if you two will reunite. I get the impression she wants to spread her wings now and see what else is out there. I don't mean she has another guy lined up already, but she's detached enough from you that she wants to be on her own for a while. Even if you made great changes, it doesn't mean she still wants the relationship. Sometimes relationships - especially young ones - really do run their course. And sometimes these changes really do come too late.

 

Leave her be now and focus on letting go. That way, whether or not she comes back, you will be in a better place. If you've been reaching out to her and she has only been replying sporadically, it means you're not doing well at giving her the space a break-up entails. Get busy with your own life now and don't reach out to her again. She knows how to find you.