Feeling disconnected

[mfa104384]

Hey guys,

 

 

Looking for some neutral advice about my relationship.

Just some really quick background so you can have an idea of what our life has been like recently

 

I and my fiance have been together for over 7 years, living together for almost 2 now. We have a 2 year old together and our relationship has been pretty good up until recently...Of course we had the occasional arguments but nothing big.For the last 2 years, we have had arguments that were big (about communication or money), arguments that would go on for days. There were a few times that I would leave and take our son to stay at my mother's house or sister's. I would come back and he would act as if we never had an argument, like nothing happened. Honestly a lot of these arguments stemmed from the fact that we were letting his sister live with us. At one point he let his friend stay over and I literally had to beg him to put him out, his friend eventually left ON HIS OWN, same with his sister.... We had her paying a small portion of some bills and she would purposely go out and buy hair and other crap and then my fiance would take that frustration out on me but never says anything to her. This went on for at least a year and a half. Also there are some cultural differences that we need to talk about. He sends money to his family when we just don't have it to give. Recently he had to pay his mother's rent which is $1000, he didn't have the money. He expected me to give basically my paycheck to do this, let's keep in mind that we were almost a month late on our own rent ($1790 with late fees included). I can't afford to get evicted with my son because of that, needless to say that I ended up just giving him the money. I explained to him that I have no issue with sending money etc but only if we have the means to do so. Of course this put a strain on our relationship, also keep in mind that I had just had our son at this time.

 

After we got everyone out of our place, my fiance got a nice job but it was very far from the city. So about 3 months ago I left my job and decided to follow him, get a new place and stay home with our son for a few months until I found work out there. Somewhere in between all of this, I stopped wanting to be romantic with him. I have absolutely no desire to be affectionate with him and I don't like being around him for long periods of time. Simple things he asks me like "Hey, what are you making? or Baby how are you?" annoys me so bad, it's almost like he's become a nuisance. I started sleeping out in the living to be away from him and he does ask why but I just make up a lie and tell him that it's cooler out there or I'd like to watch tv for a while.

 

Even with all of this, he constantly tries to get close to me and tries to be affectionate with me. Despite my obvious distance, he tries so hard and he has recently said that he knows that I distance myself. Everyday we both say I love you, he leaves for work and I take care of home and continue my job search. But the difference is that he means his I love you while I feel like I'm just saying it because he said it to me. I do love him, and I want to be with him but I'm not sure how to deal with my feelings. I've talked a little with him about it and he's somewhat aware of what's going on. When your partner changes, I think we can all sense it. Honestly

 

I'm not the type to take breaks, but I think maybe that's what I need? There are some things that is lacking in our relationship and a lot of it is on my part. I don't how to fix this, I just woke up suddenly one day and felt different about him. Maybe it was there for a while but I want to feel better about my relationship with him.

 

Anyone have a similar experience?

[hunk]

Sadly, your relationship has run its course and it's essentially over. Your fiancé does not have the self awareness to fix the behaviour that has caused you to sexually check out of your relationship, and your resentment and irritation towards him will just intensify. He most likely hasn't done anything wrong and you probably can't pinpoint any actual instances of his behaviour that have made you feel this way which is why you're being hard on yourself and feel guilty. It's just the overall dynamic of the relationship and this simply cannot be fixed. Your body is screaming at you to get away from him because it knows you'll never want to sleep with him again and therefore have children with him. It is not a problem with you, he is behaving (unconsciously) in a manner that fundamentally disgusts you on a biological level, despite you loving and caring for him. This cannot be fixed, you will never be able to see him in the same light in this relationship and you are going to end up despising him if you stay together. Let the man go.

 

You will start to become more and more distant and he will naturally become needier and clingier as he notices you drifting away, because this is how he believes he can fix things. There is nothing to fix and I know this is hard to hear. You cannot become re attracted to him because he can't conceptualise the reasons you're not attracted to him anymore and therefore can't take any steps to reignite the attraction. Thus the burden is on you, and this in itself feels disgusting and overwhelming for you.

 

You need to end it, there's absolutely nothing you can do once these feelings enter a relationship. Your body is telling you it needs someone else and this guy isn't right.

Edited April 4, 2017 by hunk
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[Smitts]

I think for something like this you two need to do more than just a "little" bit of talking.

Distancing yourself wont solve the problem.

 

You two need to come to some type of agreement and actually act on that agreement regarding money.

You also need to be honest and tell him what you're thinking. No one is a mind reader. but you need to pinpoint exactly what is making you unhappy, even if it is numerous things.

 

It's not about what it was, it's about what it is now.

If you are very unhappy and it doesn't change, then it might be best to take a indefinite break.

 

I'm really sorry you feel this way and your situation seems stressful.

I hope you are able to figure things out!

Best of luck and no matter what, you will be alright.

[Simple Logic]

Read your post and ask yourself why your F wants to be with you? You are emotionally cold, do not share his family values, and are obviously not happy.

 

I believe if you both sat down and were honest with each other you would agree it is over.