He said something's missing but don't know what [UPDATED]

[lovelymay]

Hi all,

 

I'm new here and I need to share my experience with you because I truly don't understand it.

 

A few months ago I met a guy and we started dating in January. Ever since our first date we've seen each other 2 or 3 times /week. He took me to the nicest restaurant, we spent Valentine's day together, and he told me that his mother knew about me. We've spend almost every weekend together. At first I thought everything was too good to be true:

1. He was always a gentleman who held doors open for me, carried my bag, he even brought me home just to spend time together in the car (it's 40 minutes from the city center to my place) and even drove back home.

2. We had our first kiss on the 4th date and he's always been a gentleman about that.

3. He always held my hand, hugged and kissed me in public.

4. He even said he's proud to walk with me in public, and mentioned I felt like a sort of partner to him.

5. I know one of his best friends, he started liking my Facebook posts more often. He never did that before.

 

I thought it was too good to be true but every time when we were together, it was as if the rest of the world didn't exist.

So after the 3rd date we both removed dating apps and agreed to date exclusively. After a few weeks he asked a few times if I wanted to be his girlfriend. Because it came too soon for me, I didn't really react on it. But after we made love for the first time after 2 months dating, I said: "Yes I'm your girlfriend". He answered: "Yess! Soo... it means I'm your boyfriend?"

 

After that moment he started to withdraw. He suddenly was busy with work. But we did see each other a few times. Last Monday we even spent time together, we had dinner and he paid the bill. I thanked him for it and he said:"Ofcourse, I'll do anything as long as you're with me'. But after that moment came the strange part. He started to become distant and 4 days later he broke up.

 

He said he likes me a lot but that something's missing in our relationship and he couldn't figure out what it was. He broke up with a voice message! Didn't even call me.

 

I really don't understand it, what happened?

I took things really slowly and only took next steps when he initiated it. For example I left my stuff at his place but only after he said he would buy me skincare products to leave at his place. Can someone please answer it, because I have no clue of what changed his mind Now he just wants to stay friends while a few days ago he said nothing mattered as long as I'm with him.

Did I do something wrong? Was I just a rebound? (his 9-month relationship ended 6 months before we dated).

[avvril3000]

Sounds like he is a commitment phobe and once things get serious, he starts to question everything and freak himself out. Sounds like its nothing at all to do with you, but to do with him. He sounds kinda young too (mid twenties?). Unfortunately it feels like he still needs to see a whole range of different girls because he can settle on one for the long term (and long term is not 9 months).

 

Know its not you, and move forward. You don't want someone who doesn't know what they want. You deserve a man who wants to stick around.

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry this happened, OP. What a disappointment.

 

I think this isn't about you or something you did wrong. Seemingly, the signs were there that he wanted to take this further. I would be surprised by his sudden change of heart too.

 

Perhaps the ex resurfaced. I would hesitate to say you were a rebound, per se, given the relatively short length of that relationship and the amount of time that elapsed between it ending and him meeting you. But maybe he wasn't the dumper in that scenario and still had some feelings. Hard to say.

 

How did you meet him?

[lovelymay]

Sounds like he is a commitment phobe and once things get serious, he starts to question everything and freak himself out. Sounds like its nothing at all to do with you, but to do with him. He sounds kinda young too (mid twenties?). Unfortunately it feels like he still needs to see a whole range of different girls because he can settle on one for the long term (and long term is not 9 months).

 

Know its not you, and move forward. You don't want someone who doesn't know what they want. You deserve a man who wants to stick around.

 

Really? You think so? He's 37 now... He's been married for a few years and divorced 5 years ago. After that he had the 9-month relationship and she broke up with him. Thanks for your reply

[lovelymay]

Sorry this happened, OP. What a disappointment.

 

I think this isn't about you or something you did wrong. Seemingly, the signs were there that he wanted to take this further. I would be surprised by his sudden change of heart too.

 

Perhaps the ex resurfaced. I would hesitate to say you were a rebound, per se, given the relatively short length of that relationship and the amount of time that elapsed between it ending and him meeting you. But maybe he wasn't the dumper in that scenario and still had some feelings. Hard to say.

 

How did you meet him?

 

Thanks I'm trying to understand what happened but I guess I'll never know the answer.

 

We met online through a dating site. Before we dated we've been chatting for a while. His ex was staying in another country for work and they broke up because she met someone else. Then she wanted him back but he said he was hurt too much and he never wanted to see her again. It's hard to say... Maybe he is still hurt.

 

I just don't understand why he suddenly wants to stay friends and nothing more while it was his idea to go exclusive and give it a label.

 

Ughh it's so strange!

[ExpatInItaly]

If you met on a dating site, it's quite possible he was seeing someone else simultaneously. Maybe he decided to go in another direction, in that sense.

 

Or, maybe he's giving his ex another chance after all.

 

Whatever the case, I would not speak to him anymore. He can take his offer of friendship and stuff it.

[avvril3000]

Really? You think so? He's 37 now... He's been married for a few years and divorced 5 years ago. After that he had the 9-month relationship and she broke up with him. Thanks for your reply

 

Ok! Well that explains the commitment phobe. His last commitment was a big one and it didnt work out. Sounds like he is still exploring what he is looking for, and therefore he is unreliable and unsure. Even when things are great. I still think its all him and not you, if you say things were really good

[preraph]

I think he knew you weren't someone he'd be happy with for the long term but thinks you're a nice person and doesn't want to lead you on anymore because he's still interested in other women and clearly once you finally had sex, you were ready to be considered "the girlfriend," and it's not that I blame you for that, but while he tried it on for a minute, he decided it wasn't where he wanted to go. I'm sure he's just interested in multidating and all that. I'm sorry.

[EmilyJane]

I would suspect a mood disorder of some sort.

 

Every time I hear someone say that something is missing or they don't feel the same anymore I think that. 9/10 there turns out to have been a mood or anxiety disorder.

 

Especially with instant starter relationships like this that have started from no prior knowledge of one another.

 

I think if you read a little about depression and relationships you would be able to guess for yourself.

 

But see here's the thing. Even if I'm right. You still can't use it as a reason for hope. Being able to put your finger on a cause will not actually change anything and can make your life worse.

 

And if he's done this once he will absolutely do it to you again if you hang on hoping and allowing him access to you when he turns up again. Because he will turn up again. His sort always do, the ones trying to escape from something or problems in other areas of their lives by getting into relationships.

 

He cannot give you what you thought he was offering. Or he would be there.

This was not something that was your fault but do make sure you learn from it. Don't be in such a rush to commit to a virtual stranger. Relationships that last after beginnings like that are largely the product of films and literature.

 

Don't be in a rush again. Act with caution and as if you are precious and they need to earn the right to your trust and body by being consistent over a longer period of time.

[lovelymay]

I think he knew you weren't someone he'd be happy with for the long term but thinks you're a nice person and doesn't want to lead you on anymore because he's still interested in other women and clearly once you finally had sex, you were ready to be considered "the girlfriend," and it's not that I blame you for that, but while he tried it on for a minute, he decided it wasn't where he wanted to go. I'm sure he's just interested in multidating and all that. I'm sorry.

 

But the strange thing is... He did mention future plans, even joked about 'our' children. He said he wanted to work towards seeing each other every day and work on personal future goals together. I never really reacted on those words because for me that was just too fast.

 

I mean, why would he mention future plans, say he wants to invest in me and look no further because he likes me. Do you think he meant it and then realized it wasn't what he was looking for? Or were those words all big lies? He even gave my mother a gift and invited himself over to a family party (I said meeting my family was way too soon).

 

I know I have to move on but I'm just trying to understand this all...

[lovelymay]

I would suspect a mood disorder of some sort.

 

Every time I hear someone say that something is missing or they don't feel the same anymore I think that. 9/10 there turns out to have been a mood or anxiety disorder.

 

Especially with instant starter relationships like this that have started from no prior knowledge of one another.

 

I think if you read a little about depression and relationships you would be able to guess for yourself.

 

But see here's the thing. Even if I'm right. You still can't use it as a reason for hope. Being able to put your finger on a cause will not actually change anything and can make your life worse.

 

And if he's done this once he will absolutely do it to you again if you hang on hoping and allowing him access to you when he turns up again. Because he will turn up again. His sort always do, the ones trying to escape from something or problems in other areas of their lives by getting into relationships.

 

He cannot give you what you thought he was offering. Or he would be there.

This was not something that was your fault but do make sure you learn from it. Don't be in such a rush to commit to a virtual stranger. Relationships that last after beginnings like that are largely the product of films and literature.

 

Don't be in a rush again. Act with caution and as if you are precious and they need to earn the right to your trust and body by being consistent over a longer period of time.

 

 

Hi Emily, thank you for holding the mirror!

I already felt it was going way too fast for me, but I have commitment issues and thought those red flags were just fears. But I've learned my intuition si always right...

 

Now I'm doing the no-contact period, I'm gonna try to hold it for at least 30 days. Haven't spoken to him since we broke up but I do see he checks out my Snapchat and Facebook feeds.

A part of me still wants to be friends because when we were together we had such a great time, we always laughed, joked around and we could act silly. Just have to figure out how I'm gonna do that. Right now I'm really afraid to lose him, I feel like I don't want to cut him entirely out of my life.

[EmilyJane]

Hi Emily, thank you for holding the mirror!

I already felt it was going way too fast for me, but I have commitment issues and thought those red flags were just fears. But I've learned my intuition si always right...

 

Now I'm doing the no-contact period, I'm gonna try to hold it for at least 30 days. Haven't spoken to him since we broke up but I do see he checks out my Snapchat and Facebook feeds.

A part of me still wants to be friends because when we were together we had such a great time, we always laughed, joked around and we could act silly. Just have to figure out how I'm gonna do that. Right now I'm really afraid to lose him, I feel like I don't want to cut him entirely out of my life.

 

Good.

 

You might be friends later. After 9months minimum. By which time, if you're doing all the right things, you probably can take or leave.

[Chabela]

I'm going through the same thing as well. Been with my boyfriend for a year and this is the third time he's done this to me. The first time was at the 5 month mark, separation lasted a week. The second time was right after new years at 10 months into the relationship separation lasted a month. We have been back together two months and again, he doesn't know what he wants. I haven't had any contact in 4 days. I refused to "talk" about it. Since the last time, it was that something was missing. And I didn't want to hear that again.

My guy is 50 yrs old never married or in a relationship longer than ours and he's the one to always get dumped.

He was a perfect gentlemen as well and very loving. And the same as you, he was totally in to me and very loving one day and the next total change. Now I'm left heartbroken.

[youdontknowme555]

The important question is always - what do I want? And is it this person?

 

Presumably you want somebody who is reliable and dedicated to a relationship with you - he is not.

 

Presumably you want somebody who can communicate what he is feeling about you and where is he at with the relationship - he does not.

 

So HE is not meeting YOU where you want to be met. That is the important thing here. He has not been open and honest with you, and you want somebody who is open and honest.

 

So is he really a great guy you would want to be with? Does he meet your criteria?

 

He said something is missing but he doesn't no what? That is terribly vague and not a useful communication. That is something that is missing in him and you can identify very clearly, no need to be vague - he doesn't communicate clearly. I know myself I want somebody who will be a little more clear than that.

[lovelymay]

The important question is always - what do I want? And is it this person?

 

Presumably you want somebody who is reliable and dedicated to a relationship with you - he is not.

 

Presumably you want somebody who can communicate what he is feeling about you and where is he at with the relationship - he does not.

 

So HE is not meeting YOU where you want to be met. That is the important thing here. He has not been open and honest with you, and you want somebody who is open and honest.

 

So is he really a great guy you would want to be with? Does he meet your criteria?

 

He said something is missing but he doesn't no what? That is terribly vague and not a useful communication. That is something that is missing in him and you can identify very clearly, no need to be vague - he doesn't communicate clearly. I know myself I want somebody who will be a little more clear than that.

 

 

Totally true! I've been listening to the law of attraction and I guess maybe he just doesn't meet my standards 100% and there's someone out there who does...

 

It was hard for me because he was the best boyfriend ever, except for his lack of communication he had almost everything. We could laugh, talk, be crazy, forget the rest of the world, motivate each other... He did everything al my other ex boyfriends have never done for me.

 

But what I missed was security and deep philosophical conversations. We didn't connect on that so I guess that's what was missing...

[lovelymay]

I'm going through the same thing as well. Been with my boyfriend for a year and this is the third time he's done this to me. The first time was at the 5 month mark, separation lasted a week. The second time was right after new years at 10 months into the relationship separation lasted a month. We have been back together two months and again, he doesn't know what he wants. I haven't had any contact in 4 days. I refused to "talk" about it. Since the last time, it was that something was missing. And I didn't want to hear that again.

My guy is 50 yrs old never married or in a relationship longer than ours and he's the one to always get dumped.

He was a perfect gentlemen as well and very loving. And the same as you, he was totally in to me and very loving one day and the next total change. Now I'm left heartbroken.

 

That sucks! You deserve better than this... Like me, you deserve someone who knows he wants you and someone who will go for YOU. I think these type of guys will always come back as they're searching for something. Because they don't know what that thing is, they'll never find it.

 

But most important right now for you is to think what you want and which steps you'll take to get it...

[Chabela]

Wow, that's exactly like me. He was the best boyfriend ever. I've never had such a connection with a man, even he said he hasn't had this in a very long time. There is so much passion. And I'm afraid at my age to not find that again.

[lovelymay]

Wow, that's exactly like me. He was the best boyfriend ever. I've never had such a connection with a man, even he said he hasn't had this in a very long time. There is so much passion. And I'm afraid at my age to not find that again.

 

I know exactly how you feel! He said to me he always gets shy and nervous around me. And I'm also afraid I'll never meet someone like him again.

And now it just feels as if it all has never existed, as if it were all big lies.

[Chabela]

Hi Lovelymay,

 

I'm really sorry you are going through this as well. And you are right we do deserve better. It's a shame, I really do care about him. I'm yelling incredibly sad.

[EmilyJane]

Totally true! I've been listening to the law of attraction and I guess maybe he just doesn't meet my standards 100% and there's someone out there who does...

 

It was hard for me because he was the best boyfriend ever, except for his lack of communication he had almost everything. We could laugh, talk, be crazy, forget the rest of the world, motivate each other... He did everything al my other ex boyfriends have never done for me.

 

But what I missed was security and deep philosophical conversations. We didn't connect on that so I guess that's what was missing...

 

You know there is this pervasive cultural fallacy that one person is supposed to meet all your needs.

 

You don't actually need him for those conversations. You can be in loving nurturing fun committed relationships but still fill other needs in other friendships and hobbies

[lovelymay]

You know there is this pervasive cultural fallacy that one person is supposed to meet all your needs.

 

You don't actually need him for those conversations. You can be in loving nurturing fun committed relationships but still fill other needs in other friendships and hobbies

 

True... but a deeper connection was missing

[lovelymay]

OMG this is harder than I thought

I thought all I had to do was shift my focus, hide him on all social media channels so I wouldn't look at his profile etc.

But now I keep wondering if I'll ever see or meet him again, and what am I gonna do or say? On the one hand I don't want to see him as that's just better for me. But on the other hand... I'm trying to understand him and right now I just don't.

 

But I'm also afraid that he will be cold and hard like he was when he broke up.

 

I wish I could let it all go just like that...

[EmilyJane]

OMG this is harder than I thought

I thought all I had to do was shift my focus, hide him on all social media channels so I wouldn't look at his profile etc.

But now I keep wondering if I'll ever see or meet him again, and what am I gonna do or say? On the one hand I don't want to see him as that's just better for me. But on the other hand... I'm trying to understand him and right now I just don't.

 

But I'm also afraid that he will be cold and hard like he was when he broke up.

 

I wish I could let it all go just like that...

 

What I'm finding helps is telling myself that there is a lot of life left and who knows what will happen down the track but for right now I need to stay the hell away and maintain no contact.

 

Don't get caught up in thinking about the future and all the nevers or in trying to understand.

 

It keeps you stuck longer than you need to be. Because you're operating out of fear and mostly fear of being alone and of the unknown. That's totally never helped anyone make good decisions.

 

And do your best to shift your focus to you. What you need right now. What you can do to improve your generally condition.

 

It will take time.

 

But I do always find that the first three weeks are the worst. Of no contact or breaking up.

 

I grieve extremely soul destroying borderline self hatred hard. Like I'm not kidding it's intense and I have literally wanted to die to stop it. No matter if I've left them or they've left me or it's mutual. It's horrendous. There is no normal functioning possible whatsoever. I've never heard of anyone else doing it quite so quick and hard. But it is just what I've learnt is normal for me.

 

But the thing is - it's so incredibly painful and horrible I find I start doing really healthy things for my wellbeing just so I don't have to feel quite that bad for any longer than necessary and it works. It works really fast.

 

Because I start putting most of my energy into me and what I need. It takes a while where I'm dragging myself through the motions and still feeling like ass. Because I have to. And I block them and go no contact really fast by comparison to most (although I do have to qualify this by saying I stay longer than most trying to be certain that I've tried everything I can because believe me I will not put myself through thst pain if it's not definitely necessary)

 

I heal clean and fast.

I really get to operating in my own corner not half in theirs. It doesn't mean I'm over them or that I don't still do silly things like romanticise the good things and miss them and cry. But it's healthy by that point and just me not editing my feelings and letting myself experience and process whatverr that comes up. And none of the silly things can impact on the huge avalanche of self care and health that I've started.

 

And by the time whoever it is comes calling me up because they've discovered they quite loved me and that smart supportive funny beautiful women capable of sustaining emotional intimacy are actually pretty rare. I just do not care and irritate them no end by being glad for their good news but totally out of reach.

 

Admittedly. This one is a whole different ball game. And I'm using being on here trying to help people and give perspective because it helps me process and feel some emotional connection.

 

So I hope my process helps

Edited March 31, 2017 by EmilyJane

[lovelymay]

Hi everyone,

 

So last week I posted about my break up story here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/618943-he-said-something-s-missing-but-don-t-know-what

 

I haven't been in touch with him since he broke up with me with no clear reason (he said he didn't know what was missing). I started to post things on Facebook again and I can see that he checks up my Facebook story feed, he did it yesterday and today. And this morning he even liked one of my photos.

 

Why is he doing this? He broke up with me so why doesn't he just stay away from me? If I break up with someone and check up on their social media, I wouldn't even like their photos out of respect to give that person some space.

[Goodguy05]

Hi everyone,

 

So last week I posted about my break up story here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/618943-he-said-something-s-missing-but-don-t-know-what

 

I haven't been in touch with him since he broke up with me with no clear reason (he said he didn't know what was missing). I started to post things on Facebook again and I can see that he checks up my Facebook story feed, he did it yesterday and today. And this morning he even liked one of my photos.

 

Why is he doing this? He broke up with me so why doesn't he just stay away from me? If I break up with someone and check up on their social media, I wouldn't even like their photos out of respect to give that person some space.

 

Sounds like he may be regretting it and it's his way of sending out well at this a breadcrumb. Having said that it cld also be a no. Of other possibilities like keeping u hanging there just in case he changes his mind u can block him u know that