It's not you it's me

[Lolala]

Hello everyone,

 

I would like to have your help.

 

I had really difficult breakup in the past but I am in a strange Situation.

 

 

I met this girl at the begining of the year we dated three months. Everything was so great (by that I mean we had so many things in Common, amazing sex, good talk). She told me she use to get bored really Quick, but she gave me hope with her words and actions (plan etc...)

 

 

Then in couple days I found her a bit strange before I ve got the "it's not you, it's me line" saying stuff happen in her head which make her unhappy and she wants to be Single.

 

 

It kills me because it's always the same story. And I don t know why I am not good enough, why nobody want to stay by my side.

 

It kills me to know what it really means and how she is probably with someone else while I still think of her.

 

 

I am not depressed has i used to be with my serious relationship but I am ****ing sad. I know I have Problem with searching validation from women and I know she has daddy issues and no self esteem (even if she is really cute in every objective way)

 

 

I am lost because I want to know how to forget, but I did my Best and it wasn t enough... I don t know what to change

[amaysngrace]

Don't change anything. When she said it's not you it's her believe that.

 

Hopefully in time you'll meet someone with less issues.

[angel.eyes]

I know she has daddy issues and no self esteem (even if she is really cute in every objective way)

 

...I did my Best and it wasn t enough... I don t know what to change

 

It sounds as if you thought fairly poorly of her and didn't respect her even though you chose to date her. That has a way of seeping out and destroying a budding relationship.

 

One thing you could change if you want a healthy, long-term relationship would be to focus on dating women you can respect.

[Lolala]

It sounds as if you thought fairly poorly of her and didn't respect her even though you chose to date her. That has a way of seeping out and destroying a budding relationship.

 

One thing you could change if you want a healthy, long-term relationship would be to focus on dating women you can respect.

 

 

I am sorry if I expressed myself poorly. Of course i respect her.... I wouldn t be here otherwise.... She has what I search in a Partner.

 

 

I tried to express this because People around me told me it could have played. This is her words, I never saw a problem.

[BikerAccnt]

To me, what "It's not you, it's me" means is there isn't anything specific she can point to that isn't right. It's just a feeling that it isn't.

 

There isn't one, or even many, triggering events. She just doesn't see you as compatible. Like someone else said, if there's nothing specific you can see, or that she has pointed out that was a problem, don't change anything.

 

First and formost, you have to be who you are, you have to be authentic.

[Simple Logic]

Hello everyone,

 

I would like to have your help.

 

I had really difficult breakup in the past but I am in a strange Situation.

 

 

I met this girl at the begining of the year we dated three months. Everything was so great (by that I mean we had so many things in Common, amazing sex, good talk). She told me she use to get bored really Quick, but she gave me hope with her words and actions (plan etc...)

 

 

Then in couple days I found her a bit strange before I ve got the "it's not you, it's me line" saying stuff happen in her head which make her unhappy and she wants to be Single.

 

 

It kills me because it's always the same story. And I don t know why I am not good enough, why nobody want to stay by my side.

 

It kills me to know what it really means and how she is probably with someone else while I still think of her.

 

 

I am not depressed has i used to be with my serious relationship but I am ****ing sad. I know I have Problem with searching validation from women and I know she has daddy issues and no self esteem (even if she is really cute in every objective way)

 

 

I am lost because I want to know how to forget, but I did my Best and it wasn t enough... I don t know what to change

 

She is correct. It is not you it is her. For you everything was great. There is no way you know what she was thinking about your relationship.

[Lolala]

She is correct. It is not you it is her. For you everything was great. There is no way you know what she was thinking about your relationship.

 

Am I suppose to believe she lied to me ?

 

And yes I understand the it's not you it's me means. It's me to you. Still Don t understand what I I don t have or how to put my mind in peace. I wanted your point of view.

[somanymistakes]

It doesn't have to be lying, it can be confusion.

 

But look, she did tell you she tends to get bored with relationships quickly, right? That could be why she's trying to reassure you that it's not anything you did, it's just that she really does lose interest in people after the shine of the new relationship wears off. I'm not qualified to figure out why she's like that, but if she is, that's not your fault.

 

Dating is all about trial periods and figuring out if you're compatible long-term. It's okay to date lots of people and have all those relationships end because you haven't found the right match yet. It doesn't mean you're horribly broken, it can just be a run of bad luck.

 

If it keeps happening to you, though, then it's worth looking at whether there's something you can do differently. Are you generally dating the same kind of girls, and having the same kind of issues? Maybe you need to try a different type, meet women from a different background.

[Simple Logic]

Am I suppose to believe she lied to me ?

 

And yes I understand the it's not you it's me means. It's me to you. Still Don t understand what I I don t have or how to put my mind in peace. I wanted your point of view.

 

Have you ever been to a resturant and ordered an item that you thought was very healthy for you only to find out it really didn't taste all that good. That explains it.

[Lolala]

It doesn't have to be lying, it can be confusion.

 

But look, she did tell you she tends to get bored with relationships quickly, right? That could be why she's trying to reassure you that it's not anything you did, it's just that she really does lose interest in people after the shine of the new relationship wears off. I'm not qualified to figure out why she's like that, but if she is, that's not your fault.

 

Dating is all about trial periods and figuring out if you're compatible long-term. It's okay to date lots of people and have all those relationships end because you haven't found the right match yet. It doesn't mean you're horribly broken, it can just be a run of bad luck.

 

If it keeps happening to you, though, then it's worth looking at whether there's something you can do differently. Are you generally dating the same kind of girls, and having the same kind of issues? Maybe you need to try a different type, meet women from a different background.

 

Yep, what you say make a lot of sense. I share this point of view. My life told me that people like her still can reconize something good. My way of thinking (and what hurts me) is to realize I am not good enough to change her mind.

 

I am the one who believed her. I am not mad at her. I am mad at me. I just wonder what her next guy will have I don't.

[Lolala]

Have you ever been to a resturant and ordered an item that you thought was very healthy for you only to find out it really didn't taste all that good. That explains it.

 

 

I never tasted a good restaurant thinking, I should never went back because there is a better one somewhere else and when I say it's not good I can point out why.

 

I am not sure I understand your point of view but maybe it's because I don't think relationship are goods.

 

My ex isn't perfect, she has just a lot of things I search. I believed I had those things too. I think you should build a relationship with someone you think good enough for you. I wonder why I am not / why I believed I could have been.

Edited March 25, 2017 by Lolala

[fromheart]

It just sounds like you're committing too soon. 3 months is way too early. Just have a good time in that first period and let the woman come and go as she pleases. Keep other womens numbers in your phone book.

 

Let her come to you with the emotional commitments and wait to see what her actions are over a period of time. And always keep the detachment you had at the beginning of the relationship, remember that its detachment and putting your own life first that will attract the right people to you.

 

A woman saying I get bored real quick, is her saying she's not relationship material. Listen out for these and other things that women might say, that indicates they are not relationship ready. There's nothing you can do about it to change her and 'love,' doesn't save the day. If a woman comes out with something like that, I'd either put her in the fun and dating category, or end it. Probaly the latter because if she were to start getting emotional with me I wouldn't reciprocate with someone who 'gets bored quickly.' Too much hassle and drama.

 

Most woman are going to come and go, that's perfectly normal. Enjoy the ride and don't give yourself away.

Edited March 26, 2017 by fromheart

[Lolala]

It just sounds like you're committing too soon. 3 months is way too early. Just have a good time in that first period and let the woman come and go as she pleases. Keep other womens numbers in your phone book.

 

Let her come to you with the emotional commitments and wait to see what her actions are over a period of time. And always keep the detachment you had at the beginning of the relationship, remember that its detachment and putting your own life first that will attract the right people to you.

 

A woman saying I get bored real quick, is her saying she's not relationship material. Listen out for these and other things that women might say, that indicates they are not relationship ready. There's nothing you can do about it to change her and 'love,' doesn't save the day. If a woman comes out with something like that, I'd either put her in the fun and dating category, or end it. Probaly the latter because if she were to start getting emotional with me I wouldn't reciprocate with someone who 'gets bored quickly.' Too much hassle and drama.

 

Most woman are going to come and go, that's perfectly normal. Enjoy the ride and don't give yourself away.

 

 

I think I realized how much I craved for women's validation after this story.

 

I took this story as slow as I could within the elements she gave me (the positive one).

 

I think I am a sensitive guy when it comes to relationship and I just hear advice on how be detached to have a "good" relationship. It's not how I am wired. What hurts me is seeing women I click with (some like her or some after years of relationship) let me go and not work for relationship. It's not that I am mad at her, I understand they do the best for them. Just all the time make me wonder what I don't have/how to become finally good

enough.

 

Thx for your input

[airborne3502]

I just wonder what her next guy will have I don't.

 

Just all the time make me wonder what I don't have/how to become finally good enough.

 

Stop. Just stop.

 

That's twice you've said this, and you're being unfair to yourself.

 

It's not about the next guy having what you don't, or you not being good enough.

 

Her issues have nothing to do with you. You may very well have been, "the right guy at the wrong time."

 

She may have to go through a revolving door of a-holes before it dawns on her that you were the best thing that ever happened to her. She may not give you a second thought, but again, that's on her not you.

 

I've just been through a similar situation right down to the duration, and the girl having low self-esteem. I don't do "detached" relationships anymore. If there's no emotional investment on my part, what's the point? She's just a workout. She's a B girl that will never be an A girl. If she's feeling it, and I'm using her, I'm in the wrong. I prefer to meet someone I like, and match their emotional investment in me.

 

Allow yourself to be mad at this girl.

 

To quote the Terminator, "anger is more useful than despair."

 

Just don't let it eat you up.

 

She gave you the "girlfriend experience", led you down the path, and then bailed.

 

You ran into a flake.

 

We all do at some point.

 

Eventually, you're going to fall in love with a woman who appreciates how you're wired, because you're exactly what she's looking for.

 

When problems arise, she will fight like hell to keep you.

 

That's the one you want.

[Lolala]

Stop. Just stop.

 

That's twice you've said this, and you're being unfair to yourself.

 

It's not about the next guy having what you don't, or you not being good enough.

 

Her issues have nothing to do with you. You may very well have been, "the right guy at the wrong time."

 

She may have to go through a revolving door of a-holes before it dawns on her that you were the best thing that ever happened to her. She may not give you a second thought, but again, that's on her not you.

 

I've just been through a similar situation right down to the duration, and the girl having low self-esteem. I don't do "detached" relationships anymore. If there's no emotional investment on my part, what's the point? She's just a workout. She's a B girl that will never be an A girl. If she's feeling it, and I'm using her, I'm in the wrong. I prefer to meet someone I like, and match their emotional investment in me.

 

Allow yourself to be mad at this girl.

 

To quote the Terminator, "anger is more useful than despair."

 

Just don't let it eat you up.

 

She gave you the "girlfriend experience", led you down the path, and then bailed.

 

You ran into a flake.

 

We all do at some point.

 

Eventually, you're going to fall in love with a woman who appreciates how you're wired, because you're exactly what she's looking for.

 

When problems arise, she will fight like hell to keep you.

 

That's the one you want.

 

Thx for your input.

 

I know it's a short relationship but in this world it's so rare to find someone with Who you match a lot... I am sad i lost that.

 

 

I am not mad at her because I am as selfish as her. I want her because she helped me being happier. She left me because she wasn t. And the core Problem is what you pointed out: what do I Lack for her to want to fight for me. In my experience. People keep around them worthy People. That s Just how logic it seems for me.