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Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 26th February 2017, 9:26 AM   #1
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Feeling stuck

Hey guys,

Looking for some advice...

Basically, I recently broke up with my housemate who I'd been in a relationship for only a few months. Sounds simple except for the housing situation right? However, there's more to it and this ones hit me hard.

I'd known her for around a year and we just instantly clicked, like no-one I've ever met in my life. We were so comfortable around each other and could make each other laugh like no-one else could. We understood each other. I've been in many relationships, including a few serious ones (a few years, I'm in my mid-twenties) but never felt like this.

We spent everyday with each other and never got bored, it was just nice. I knew I loved her though and could sense she loved me. Her friends became my friends and life was good. Until a few months ago, she made a move on me, I was slightly taken back and gave her chance to go back on her decision but agreed to start dating.

Things were good, we had a few challenges (car accident, sick relatives, jealousy etc.) but nothing unusual. Except, I could sense that something wasn't right. I was pretty comfortable but felt she was constantly hiding something. I told myself it was paranoia but her behavior became "very hot and cold". One day "I never want to lose you", the next "things are too intense."

It all came to a head, when we went to our respective families for christmas and she came back and told me:
- Things were too intense
- I made her feel guilty about seeing her friends
- She's going to move out for the good of our relationship
- she's quitting her job
- She's moving back home (300 miles away) for a month
- She didn't want to spend NYE with me (had it planned for weeks)

I think I responded to it pretty well, I said I understand and despite knowing that actually the first two points were pretty much non-existent (never once tried to control or restrict her, I was never clingy) I accepted it and looked for small areas where I could improve eg. wording texts differently "what are your plans for tonight" instead of "When you back?".

A few days past and she was acting incredibly emotionally distant. This annoyed me considering how understanding I was being regarding the massive life decisions she thrust upon me. I decided the best way was to be honest and asked her why she was distant and said it hurts me. She responded it's what she needed to be and spent 2 hours crying before ending our relationship.

Then ensued the usual breakup pettiness. She stayed with her friends. We had arguments until we stopped speaking. Even her (our) friends avoided me. I feel incredibly sad about this. I've been through break ups before but this feels like something else.

She's moved her stuff out but I'm still in the same flat, I just feel sad all day, even after nearly 2 months. I miss my friend and can't understand why any of this happened. I put so much effort into her and she threw it back in my face.

I want to find a way to get back to the rapport we had (not the relationship) but I doubt she would even answer the phone to me. I know there's something special about her though and I don't want her out of my life forever. It sounds soppy and desperate I know. So any advice? insights? Should I move on and try to forget? Should I tell her how I feel (doubt it would work)?

Thankssss

Last edited by snowdon9; 26th February 2017 at 11:28 AM..
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Old 27th February 2017, 3:06 AM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by snowdon9 View Post
Hey guys,

Looking for some advice...

Basically, I recently broke up with my housemate who I'd been in a relationship for only a few months. Sounds simple except for the housing situation right? However, there's more to it and this ones hit me hard.

I'd known her for around a year and we just instantly clicked, like no-one I've ever met in my life. We were so comfortable around each other and could make each other laugh like no-one else could. We understood each other. I've been in many relationships, including a few serious ones (a few years, I'm in my mid-twenties) but never felt like this.

We spent everyday with each other and never got bored, it was just nice. I knew I loved her though and could sense she loved me. Her friends became my friends and life was good. Until a few months ago, she made a move on me, I was slightly taken back and gave her chance to go back on her decision but agreed to start dating.

Things were good, we had a few challenges (car accident, sick relatives, jealousy etc.) but nothing unusual. Except, I could sense that something wasn't right. I was pretty comfortable but felt she was constantly hiding something. I told myself it was paranoia but her behavior became "very hot and cold". One day "I never want to lose you", the next "things are too intense."

It all came to a head, when we went to our respective families for christmas and she came back and told me:
- Things were too intense
- I made her feel guilty about seeing her friends
- She's going to move out for the good of our relationship
- she's quitting her job
- She's moving back home (300 miles away) for a month
- She didn't want to spend NYE with me (had it planned for weeks)

I think I responded to it pretty well, I said I understand and despite knowing that actually the first two points were pretty much non-existent (never once tried to control or restrict her, I was never clingy) I accepted it and looked for small areas where I could improve eg. wording texts differently "what are your plans for tonight" instead of "When you back?".

A few days past and she was acting incredibly emotionally distant. This annoyed me considering how understanding I was being regarding the massive life decisions she thrust upon me. I decided the best way was to be honest and asked her why she was distant and said it hurts me. She responded it's what she needed to be and spent 2 hours crying before ending our relationship.

Then ensued the usual breakup pettiness. She stayed with her friends. We had arguments until we stopped speaking. Even her (our) friends avoided me. I feel incredibly sad about this. I've been through break ups before but this feels like something else.

She's moved her stuff out but I'm still in the same flat, I just feel sad all day, even after nearly 2 months. I miss my friend and can't understand why any of this happened. I put so much effort into her and she threw it back in my face.

I want to find a way to get back to the rapport we had (not the relationship) but I doubt she would even answer the phone to me. I know there's something special about her though and I don't want her out of my life forever. It sounds soppy and desperate I know. So any advice? insights? Should I move on and try to forget? Should I tell her how I feel (doubt it would work)?

Thankssss

1stly truly sorry to hear how ur feeling and we're on parralel universes lol pain points lol accept im a few mths in now getting slightly better . Woman I hate to say it r incredibly complicated they leave for the most dumbest of reasons. This is basically her not ready for a relationship I hate to say it. Hot and cold can also mean 3rd party keep ur eyes open i learnt that the hard way. If ur feeling confused (and I would too) take wat she said as gospel I guess. Who knows it cld be an excuse or like i said a 3rd party. I'm always amazed how woman can just cut it off and move on. Being in my 40's I think I've finally figured it out, they r needs based if we don't meet watever complex need they have remember sometimes u have to be able to read there mind lol they will start to slowly detach and check out. Ur situation is bizzare I must say. Is she young? That would explain things somewhat. Leave her be don't contact her let her have the opportunity to see feel wat she's just left behind. Be strong
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Old 27th February 2017, 7:28 AM   #3
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Redecorate. I know that sounds silly but you have to do something to your flat to make it more about you & less about her. It needs changes. A fresh coat of paint, new throw pillows, moving the furniture around. Kind of an out with the old renewal.


You may have had a better chance if you dated more conventionally -- without living together. That was a source of the pressure. She had no escape valve from you & the fledgling relationship.


You lost multiple things here -- a friend, a GF & housemate so you are feeling the abandonment more acutely.


Hang in there.
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