Is it just a rebound relationship?

[Purple123haze]

Hi guys,

 

I need some advice here. I broke up with my ex girlfriend of 3 years, 6 months ago after I found out she had cheated on me.

 

Long story short, I moved out to live with her for the duration of our relationship. we both met & worked in a summer holiday resort, we arranged our lives so that we could live & work in the same location during the summer so we could be together.

 

We had a great relationship. Loving, passionate & fun for most of it. We had fights like most couples do. During the summer just past, we had been bickering for a couple of weeks before I found out she had cheated on me with a tourist who was on holiday for a week. i knew something was wrong because she was totally avoiding me, acting very distant & had guilt written all over her face.

 

I so happened to get an unexpected night off work, went to where she worked & saw this guy & her being very close until she noticed me. she spent the night avoiding us both, but couldn't look me in the eye. I knew right away what had went on that week as soon as I had saw them together. This was the night before this guy went home, so she almost got away with it, only fate had different ideas.

 

The next day from this, this guy was gone, but she couldn't look me in the eye & she was still acting very distant, she wouldn't speak to me, but was glued to her phone. I knew it was this guy she was texting while i was sat with her!! Anyway, I waited another day to see if she would say anything & she didn't, so i confronted her. She tried to deny it at first, but when she saw how angry i was & that she was caught, she eventually admitted to me that she really liked this guy a lot. I ended it there & then. She pleaded with me not to, but i always told her if she ever cheated that would be it.

 

I left there early & returned to my country. This guy lives in a bordering country to mine. I removed my ex from all social immediately & deleted all photos of us together, because I couldn't bare to look at her face & be reminded of what she had done. A mutual friend has since told me that she deleted pics of us. This is something she never ever does, she still kept in contact with all of her exes (who she claimed cheated on her) on her social media & pics of them. I never really bothered much, as it was just pictures & she is big on capturing everything in life & we once had this conversation where she said she never deletes pictures because its all memories, so why did she deleted pics of me & times we shared together?

 

Anyway, my friend said a couple of weeks after she deleted my pics, photos of her & this guy appeared. He has been out to visit her, met her friends & she's posted pics of them, tagging #Boy #Girl #Together. Is that the same as writing boyfriend/girlfriend? Or just a roundabout way of saying it? I know this because I stupidly asked my friend to let me see. I'm not going to lie, although I ended it with her almost 6 months ago, it still hurt, seeing her with this guy that ended our relationship. I know this sounds stupid, but they're not hugging in any of their pictures, some he has his arm around her, but she doesn't have her arm around him. She's not as smitten or as smiley in their pictures as the ones from when our relationship was knew. I know I shouldn't compare it, but I can't help ask what is she doing?

 

She ended a great relationship by cheating with this loser, thinking she wouldn't get caught. We were not just lovers, we were best friends. She says she really likes this guy? I have since found out that this guy went out to see her again not long after I left, so they've pretty much started dating before my side of the bed was even cold. I know I shouldn't bother about this, and its none of my business what she does now, but it stings knowing she's in a relationship with the guy she cheated with & I know it sounds silly, but deleting pictures of me. Why? Is this just a rebound relationship?

 

Part of me was happy to see that she wasn't smitten with him in the pictures, but it was a killer seeing that he has been out to the place where we both lived together & that he's now met her friends. Another part of me hopes that this is just a rebound relationship and if its long distance, this guy is going to need to do what I done and give up his life to move out to be with her, because I know she won't leave her family.

 

Any input would be appreciated.

 

 

Thanks

[kevinjinha]

The true question is: Why does it matter if its a rebound relationship or not?

 

She cheated on you. She lost your trust, and she does not deserve any sense of treatment after this. Honestly, the same thing happened to me. I was dating a girl for 3 and a half years and we also lived together. She then began getting distant and fast forward we broke up. I'm a mess. She was chatting with this guy over the internet, and I found out that she is interested in him as well.

 

In a sense, yes, this can be a rebound relationship. Because they use this as coping and they pretty much replace you. Rebound relationships tend to elevate very quickly. In a sense, she is simply mimicking or replacing what she didn't have in your old relationship. If your intentions are to get her back, I would simply not contact her at all. Don't beg and plead, don't act like you're the one suffering. But honestly, if someone cheated on you, what are the chances they won't cheat on you again?

 

But all-in-all my theory is that your relationship lacked a lot and she looked for that comfort elsewhere. She could've been over you even while you dated.

[justwhoiam]

why did she deleted pics of me & times we shared together?

Maybe out of spite, because you did. Like you erased her from your life, as she never existed. Or maybe because that bothered him. Who knows.

 

Is that the same as writing boyfriend/girlfriend?

Girls focus on nuances, so it's left to guessing, probably on purpose. Maybe she's unsure about the relationship and therefore not comfortable with giving it a label yet, maybe she wants to preserve her privacy (less plausible), or she willingly wants to keep her options open somehow.

what is she doing?

She's trying to see how things go with him.

 

She says she really likes this guy?

She said that. They had just met, she had a fresh crush, she didn't really know him yet. And we don't know if they crossed any line and how, back then, because she had a boyfriend. Chances are they only made out or just kissed. What kind of boyfriend he is now is another matter altogether.

 

Is this just a rebound relationship?

They were attracted to one another before your breakup, and started at least an emotional affair before your breakup. So no, I wouldn't call it a rebound.

 

if its long distance, this guy is going to need to do what I done and give up his life to move out to be with her, because I know she won't leave her family.

And that's probably why she was not smitten with him. LD can wear you out, make you feel lonely. So it's a double curse in her case, maybe she doesn't feel like rushing into it in fear of making a mistake, which in turn might mean she's not head over heels in love with him, all things considered. At times grass looks green on the other side, but it's not.

[dumbass2]

"but i always told her if she ever cheated that would be it"

 

There are no questions that you can ask about her actions that anyone on here can give you a 100% answer to. This is a done deal. She cheated and now that's it. You have to move on. Maybe she will end up marrying this guy. Who knows and who cares but them. you need to deal with what you can control now. You have to keep telling yourself that SHE CHEATED ON YOU!!! and you should not want anything to do with her ever again. You laid down the law and did well not giving in, now you need to stick to it because it would never ever in a million years work between you two even if she begged and pleaded with you.

[springy]

Your best bet is to ask your friends not to give you any more updates on her life, and stop looking at her social media.

 

Pictures? You deleted yours, why wouldn't she repay the favor? It's kind of obvious, no?

 

Is this guy a rebound? Who knows? I went through something similar - they are together 3+ years later with 1.5 kids. Everyone swore that it wouldn't last. She was a "loser" with a horrible reputation. Didn't matter to him!

 

Even if the new relationship doesn't last, she will find a new guy to fill his spot. She cheated on you. Work on not caring about all these questions - you will probably never have all the answers. Your friend did you a huge disservice with that update. Not sure how he figured that would benefit you. With time and complete NC, your ego will mend and so will your heart.

Edited February 22, 2017 by springy

[Cookiesandough]

A rebound is a relationship shortly after a breakup before emotionally healed.

 

This is someone cheating on their partner with someone else and leaving them for that person.

[Purple123haze]

Thanks for the in put guys.

 

I do understand what some of you are saying with regard to her cheating. Its not easy dealing with rejection, betrayal & infidelity from someone you invested a lot of time & love into.

 

I was starting to heal until my friend told me this stuff & showed me these pictures. That just opened the wound back up & its bleeding again. She pleaded with me not to end our relationship when I found out. Done the whole crying thing, but I have self respect & she knew it was the one thing I told her there would be no going back from.

 

You don't know how you will react until you're in the situation. I really didn't think we would ever be in that situation, so it was a shock. We had a great relationship, we were bickering for a couple of weeks leading up to that event, so whether it was a moment of madness or not, she still done it.

 

With regard to her deleting the photos, she deleted them 5 months after we split up. This guy doesn't know anything about me. He clearly didn't know she cheated because I haven't reduced myself to confront him about it all. I know her & there's no way she would've deleted photos of an ex to please anyone. she doesn't delete photos, that's the point. Someone has suggested she's deleted them because she maybe doesn't want reminders of me or the bad break up.

 

Could be that or a guilty conscience, probably a bit of both. That makes more sense to me. The trouble I'm having right now is knowing that she's now in a relationship with this guy. If I had forgave her I doubt she would have continued it. He certainly wouldn't have been out to visit her again. He would get a smack & would know about me if that was the case, so that's why I'm wondering if it's just a rebound. Has she just took this guy up to avoid dealing with our break-up?

 

It did bring me a little hint of joy seeing her facial expressions & body language in the pics with this guy. Her smile looked forced & they weren't embracing or look loved up. It sounds silly, but compared to when we were first dating, you can just tell the difference. Its like night & day. I'm not clutching a straws with that because you can tell the difference. I don't think I would get back with her. I have no intention of getting back with her because the trust is gone, some might ask why it matters, but for the sake of me healing, it would these things would bring me some comfort.

 

I do still feel connected with her. I know it sounds crazy. I don't want to feel connected with her, but its a tough pill to swallow knowing she's in this LDR with the guy that inevitably ended our relationship

Edited February 22, 2017 by Purple123haze

[lolablue17]

She deleted your mutual photos because she was so hurt, so deleting your pics was an action to do during her lowest moments.

 

Your feelings are natural and legitimate. She wanted you and probably still wants you, but she lost you and she tries to heal and to move on. Why don't you date?

[Purple123haze]

I tried dating, but it just felt wrong. I'm not ready to see other people yet & I don't think it would be fair to use anyone else like that.

 

She really was the love of my life, so I'm still trying to figure out how to go about life now, making new plans for the future. It sounds pathetic, but I really was devastated. Every day since then I've had a dull ache in my chest. I deleted everything straight away, removed all reminders of her & blocked her on social media, only after she blocked me though.

 

No matter how much blocking & deleting I've done, it still doesn't take away the memories of her. I was getting there. The heartache was still there, but it wasn't as raw until my friend showed me her pictures & its just put me right back at square one. It hurts to think that she's just replaced me with this guy. I couldn't understand it. My friend said she's not plastering the relationship all over social media, but this guy is carrying on like he's won a watch.

 

I've obviously not saw this guys stuff & I wouldn't even go there. My exes pictures where enough. There's a few pictures of them together, but it did bring me comfort to see that the pictures don't look like a new loved up couple. Some people might say you can't tell anything about their relationship from a few photos, but I say BS. A picture speak a thousand words and you can tell by people's body language. She's nowhere near as happy in those picture as she was in ours.

 

We had fights like all couples do. Its normal. It just so happened that we were arguing those couple of weeks that lead up to that. We were getting on each others nerves, but what couple don't get on each others nerves. In between the fights, we did have some intimate, special moments. I think that's why I've struggled with this whole thing. It came out of the blue and as a shock to me. Some comments on here have suggested that maybe she wasn't happy in our relationship to make her cheat. There was nothing to suggest that, apart from the arguments we had for those couple of weeks. I just find it hard to accept that. A couple of stinking weeks has lead to all this.

 

I'm trying not to be mad at this guy. I highly doubt she's discussed me or any of this with him. He probably knows nothing about any of this stuff. the guilty party here is my ex. I have thought about contacting her, but my wisdom knows better than that. At the end of the day she cheated, I ended it. I told her I never wanted to see her again & if I did it would be too soon, so as far as she's concerned we are completely over. She has every right to move on. Its just an extra kick in the gut to find out its with the guy she cheated on me with and has replaced me so quickly. He was in pictures with her and her friends, which means he's been out to visit & been introduced to her friends, which means it must be serious now

[Purple123haze]

So to cut a long story short. I broke up with my ex almost 6 months ago after catching her cheating. I ended it then & there. Deleted all photos & blocked her on social media.

 

I was starting to get over it all around a month ago until I spoke with a mutual friend who contacted me to tell me that my ex had deleted all our pics after new years,5 months after our break up & told me she had been seeing this guy all along. Not good.

 

Anyway, that just opened up old wounds. I haven't spoke to or made any sort of contact with my ex since the breakup. I couldn't help myself & checked her IG account the other night. We're not following each other & I had her blocked, both our accounts are private, but I noticed last night that she's now blocked me back.

 

This just reinforces my ideas that this guy is just a rebound, but why after 5 months delete our pics then in the next month block me on IG? She would've needed to have purposely searched for me then went to the length of finding a tagged pic in a mutual friends page to block me. Why? We've both blocked each other on FB as well.

 

I don't use IG that much & my activity would show, so there would be no reason for her to do that. She's the one that cheated & is in a new relationship. Why after 6 months do that when I've not made any contact what so ever. There's nothing out there for her to need to avoid me. I don't get it. If she's in a relationship why is she still even bothering about me? Especially when I've not been all up in her face. Quite the opposite.

[d0nnivain]

She's your EX. What she does & when she does it is not your issue. Since you profess to have no interest in interacting with her, why are you upset that she's housekeeping?

 

 

The reason for the blocking is that once two people are no longer romantically together there is no need to give the EX a front row view into your life. Plus if you are moving on, a new SO won't be thrilled that the EX is still connected to you via social media.

 

 

Be happy the cheater is gone from your life.

[frigginlost]

So to cut a long story short. I broke up with my ex almost 6 months ago after catching her cheating. I ended it then & there. Deleted all photos & blocked her on social media.

 

I was starting to get over it all around a month ago until I spoke with a mutual friend who contacted me to tell me that my ex had deleted all our pics after new years,5 months after our break up & told me she had been seeing this guy all along. Not good.

 

Anyway, that just opened up old wounds. I haven't spoke to or made any sort of contact with my ex since the breakup. I couldn't help myself & checked her IG account the other night. We're not following each other & I had her blocked, both our accounts are private, but I noticed last night that she's now blocked me back.

 

This just reinforces my ideas that this guy is just a rebound, but why after 5 months delete our pics then in the next month block me on IG? She would've needed to have purposely searched for me then went to the length of finding a tagged pic in a mutual friends page to block me. Why? We've both blocked each other on FB as well.

 

I don't use IG that much & my activity would show, so there would be no reason for her to do that. She's the one that cheated & is in a new relationship. Why after 6 months do that when I've not made any contact what so ever. There's nothing out there for her to need to avoid me. I don't get it. If she's in a relationship why is she still even bothering about me? Especially when I've not been all up in her face. Quite the opposite.

 

You're chasing butterflies in a rain forest trying to analyze it. The simple fact is that your answer is in your post. She's bothering about you because there are still unresolved feelings on her part. With that in mind, go on in your life and try to forget about it. She cheated on you and probably harbors a massive amount of guilt.

 

Stay no contact, move forward, and don't look back.

[Purple123haze]

I understand. It doesn't feel finished for me either. I do still have feelings for her. I wish I didn't. I am trying to let go. I don't want to look back, but it can't be helped. I hoped I would've been over the worst part of this 6 months down the line.

 

I haven't contacted her at all. I have been tempted. I did check her IG acc the other night. We've blocked each other on FB. I had blocked her on IG as well, but did search for her & could see her acc. Temptation got the better of me & I searched for her last night & couldn't find her, so I guess she's been checking up on me as well & saw I had her blocked, so she's done the same, who j does tell me this guy is just a rebound. Why else would you be checking on your ex if you're in a happy relationship?!

 

I will continue to stick to the NC. Her loss & I do hope she's realized what she's done. The grass isn't greener & all that!

[Purple123haze]

1. As an EX we've not been connected. Both our accounts are private, so even if we didn't go for a block no o e has a front row seat to the activity on the accounts.

 

2. The SO doesn't know anything about me. I have gave them no reason to discuss me. I've not interfered in their relationship & I highly doubt I would be the topic of conversation on their dates. I didn't bother about pictures she had of exes on her accounts. Its part of her past, so that's nonsense.

 

3. It still matters because there's still feelings involved, clearly on both parts. If I hadn't deleted pictures & blocked her at the time of our breakup, I would see no reason to do it 5 & 6 months down the line. I've not went anywhere bear or sent any communication in all this time & if I was in a so called relationship, I would be more focused on that & not on my ex. Although I don't want her back this stuff is bringing me comfort because its showing now that she's regretting what she done & because I've not went running like she would have expected me to, she's pulling childish stunts.

 

If she does contact me, I'll be sending her packing back to lover boy. As much as I'm hurting & still holding a flame, I have self respect. Its only natural to have these feelings if you had what we had & I loved her do much. These are signs of her regret & that's helping me deal with the rejection & betrayal

[frigginlost]

I understand. It doesn't feel finished for me either. I do still have feelings for her. I wish I didn't. I am trying to let go. I don't want to look back, but it can't be helped. I hoped I would've been over the worst part of this 6 months down the line.

 

I haven't contacted her at all. I have been tempted. I did check her IG acc the other night. We've blocked each other on FB. I had blocked her on IG as well, but did search for her & could see her acc. Temptation got the better of me & I searched for her last night & couldn't find her, so I guess she's been checking up on me as well & saw I had her blocked, so she's done the same, who j does tell me this guy is just a rebound. Why else would you be checking on your ex if you're in a happy relationship?!

 

I will continue to stick to the NC. Her loss & I do hope she's realized what she's done. The grass isn't greener & all that!

 

Everything you have stated above is completely normal. I too was cheated on and even a year out it still did not feel "finished". When trust is ripped from you by someone you love it is extremely difficult to come to grips with. The feelings linger for a quite a while. Til this very day I will scream from the top of any mountain that those who cheat on someone have absolutely no clue of the damage they do to someone. None.

 

The good news is that you seem to be healing very well and since what you are experiencing is normal you are on your way to complete recovery. Just ride the waves when you have them, and take her actions as of late as a vindication that she still has "something" there regarding you and you actually did mean something to her.

 

But! Do not allow it to keep you from continuing to move forward. You deserve someone who invests as deep as you do.

[Purple123haze]

Thanks for your support FrigginLost. Its good to speak to people like yourself that understand the situation & have lived through it. Its not as black & white & some people think.

 

That's why I have come onto thus forum to vent & chat with people that have been through it. No one needs a lecture or to be questioned why it matters. If you've experienced something like this situation then you would know why thus stuff matters. Cheating is the most disrespectful & disgusting thing you can do to a,partner, but as bad as that is & as much as we'd like to, you can't switch your feelings off like the flick of a switch. If only it was that easy.

 

But thank you. Your words do mean a lot & have brought me comfort!