Maintaining NC w/ butthead BF who cheated, slept w/ escorts, & posted personals

[cuties]

Hey, guys and girls. Well, I'm new here, and reading these forum posts has been so helpful. I'm trying to move through a no contact period, and it is hard. I guess all I really need is some support as I've talked the ears off my only pillar of strength, and she's fed up with me.

 

My bf and I had been going out for 4 1/2 years- on and off. The off parts were usually due to his need to spend time alone- whether he'd been REALLY alone, i don't know. It seemed that he was somewhat depressed during those times, and didn't want to socialize or speak to anyone. In the past 2 1/2 years, everything was dandy. No breaks, and it seemed things were progressing so well in our relationship. We met each other's families, and spent the holidays together. There were "I love you's" all around, though I never pushed for marriage or anything. We were just enjoying things day by day, and I was so content to have him in my life.

 

We spent the Sunday before Valentine's day at his apt. together since Vday was on a weekday, and he said he couldn't take off early from work and would be too tired afterwards. I was feeling amorous and wanted to make out and go for a romp in the boudoir, but he wasn't into it- said he was tired. I bought special lingerie for Vday, and he didn't even want to look at it that weekend. I didn't understand- we didn't have a fight or anything. This all from a man who once couldn't keep his hands off me and would initiate long makeout sessions w/ me. Needless to say I felt so rejected, but I thought I'd let him have his space as he was stressed with work, and had increased responsibilities since his promotion. I felt hurt, but chucked my feelings down inside since I didn't want to upset him. My guts said something was up though. That night, he scooted me out of his apt. 'cuz he said he was so tired.

 

Weeks later, I found out the same night he scooted me out of his apt., he immediately hopped on this videogame forum and posted senseless, non-substantive messages for hours. At first, I figured that this was his way of releasing stress, but I felt jipped that he did not want to spend the rest of that night with me, and that he scooted me out to do THAT!! I was so disappointed, but I thought, "at least it's not another woman; it's just a game forum."

 

It has been 9 weeks since that night, and we haven't seen each other, but emailed sometimes. The first few weeks, it was like he just fell off the planet- would not respond to anything. I panicked... HARD!! I was afraid of losing him, and I didn't know what was wrong. I kept calling & emailing him, and he kept ignoring my calls. It was my desire to help him if he was stressed out, but he wouldn't take it. He just kept saying he wanted to be alone and he felt like a zombie. I was so worried. Eventually, I eased off a bit, and did other things, trying not to make him more upset 'cuz he said my worrying was stressing him out. oooookayyy... it's a circular argument, you know what i mean?

 

I started to feel that maybe he didn't want to see me anymore, for whatever reason, but he said in an email that he loved me and still wanted to see me, but just not yet. Odd, I thought, but didn't know what to do. I read this book about relationships, and it said it was normal for men to go into their "caves" when they felt stressed to figure out how to resolve their problems, but that they always came back and loving you more later. That gave me great hope, so I was supportive and laid low for awhile. A few more weeks passed, and still didn't get any phone calls or anything. I felt so unloved and unwanted, it's not even funny. I was a whirlwind of emotions- pissed, sad, upset, etc.

 

Since he wasn't telling me anything, and I was hurting so badly, I did some snooping- and before I get shot down for invading his privacy, let me just say I believe we're all equipped w/ tools to find things out for a reason, and these were the reasons that probably saved me from further issues in the long run. Turns out all this time he said he was too busy to call/email me, he was posting ALL DAY long on the game forums (w/ hardly a minute to pee/eat). I was upset that he lied to me, and would rather interact w/ teenagers about nothing rather than talk to me about something. I didn't know how he was getting any work done at all being on that forum all day, and that worried me because his job means a lot to him and he used to love it so much.

 

I further found out he's been posting personals on all these dating sites the past couple years we were together. Any site you can name, he had an ad up (even subscribed to some), AND he sent his pics to women, AND he set up dates- that went nowhere (They ran away from him. HA!). AAARRGHHH!!! None of these things lasted more than a month and usually no sex involved, but it's unacceptable that he even put himself out there as single while he was with me, and all that time, I was totally devoted to him. But it gets worse...

 

During the holidays, he and one of his co-workers (who's married) flirted w/ each other, and he asked her to make out. At the same time, he emailed his ex-gf who recently moved down the street from him, and asked if she wanted to hang out during the holiday break... when he was supposed to be spending it with ME!! She said she was too busy anyway- don't think she was interested in seeing his sorry ass! This, the same ex-gf who he said cheated on him and was the reason he "would never do it" to me b/c he knew how it hurt to be betrayed. Gawd almighty!

 

It gets worse... My bf (now ex) always seemed to be the nice, straight-edged, clean cut, quiet guy. I found out he's been doing pot all this time, and in the last 9 weeks, he's increased his dosage, and spent over $1,600 in pot. Not a great big deal to me that he was doing it in the first place 'cuz it wasn't that much before, but now it's increased tremendously and he lied to me about canceling our mini-vacations before b/c he didn't have enough $$. but then...

 

Come to find he had an ad not only on dating sites but sites like adult friend finder, AND he's been subscribing to the erotic review (review site for escorts) and bookmarking cityvibe ads for over a year. He's been adding new "favorites" to his hot list every week. Just in the past 3 weeks, he's paid big bucks for sex twice!!

 

I can't tell you how disgusted and disappointed I am. I feel so heartbroken, deceived, and smacked sideways. Did I mention that he was my first bf, first everything? When I found all this out, i was in tears, couldn't eat or sleep, had constant stomach aches, and couldn't work (i run my own business). Since reading some posts on this forum, I feel so much better, and not so alone.

 

It has been a tough 9 weeks, and I haven't confronted him about any of this. Figured I'd avoid conflict, put him behind me b/c I feel kinda sorry for him that he's SO STUPID, and just make a clean break for it. Karma will take care of the rest. I already know he's not the one for me, but I did have hope, and I know he's not worthy to be missed, but sometimes my emotions STILL get the better of me. Ugh! The guy that I THOUGHT I knew, I loved very much, and it feels like he's died.

 

I can't stand myself for missing him. Sometimes, things are so crazy in my head that I need an outside perspective from objective friends. Unfortunately, I'm so embarrassed and humiliated that he's gone outside our relationship for sex and all these things that I can't tell my friends/family about it. I tell them what I can without the details. I wonder if he's going through a mid-life crisis or something, though 35 is rather young for a MLC, and that still wouldn't excuse his behavior. I just don't understand.

 

The last time we made contact was in email, and he said he just didn't have time for a personal life "right now". whatever. I'm not here for him to come and go as he pleases, so I didn't reply. Then, 2 days later he emailed again and asked how I was like nothing had happened, and I didn't reply. 3 days later emailed me again to ask what happened, and again, I didn't reply. I haven't emailed him in 10 days. I am determined to be rid of him, but some days are better than others because of the memories and history we have together. Sometimes, I want to break down and let him have it and hard, but I know that's not a great idea.

 

Any wise words of wisdom or support would be so appreciated.

[SoleMate]

Your pain is familiar, but I know it's the first time for you. There are no words that will really ease the pain. I am glad that you are managing the NC, because among other good effects, it makes you feel like you're back in control of your life, after he took a lot of control away from you.

 

You're absolutely right, he's 100% unworthy, and it most assuredly is not about you. However, no matter how bad the r/s - and it sounds as though yours had some good points too - breaking it up will cause suffering and a feeling of loss. No matter how necessary the decision or inevitable the ending, a human being who is not an utter psychopath will experience some level of grief when a close r/s ends. Just be aware that the apin will naturally lessen with time, and that NC speeds up the process wonderfully.

[cuties]

Thank you, Sole Mate, for taking the time to read my exhausting post, and for your comforting words. I am in a hurry for the days to go by so that I can feel less pain, but some days the clock seems to tick endlessly, and I'm still where I am yesterday. I guess it's just a part of life. Thanks again for your support! It means so much to me.