Dumped 2 days before Christmas & about a week before my NYE birthday

[katalina1231]

I am at a loss. Long post. Sorry.

 

The guy I was dating for about 4 months just ended things out of the blue on the 21st. I am 34 and he is 32. About a month and a half ago we had discussed becoming official and exclusive but we both had concerns. We discussed them very well and communicated very well and decided we would revisit the conversation. My concerns were that he was a recreational drug user: coke and x. His concern was that I am not sure I want children and I have a chronic illness that I am treating and managing-- Lyme disease. He wanted to make sure that he would be able to be the kind of partner I needed him to be and he would only know that by being with me. I told him that it would break my heart if we decided to be together and he broke up with me because of my illness. Regarding his drug use, he told me that he would be willing to try to stop if that's what it was going to take to move it to the next level, but he didn't want to make a promise because if he slipped up he didn't want to lie to me. He'd want to tell me and he'd be scared that I would leave him. He knows I have zero tolerance for it. We discussed all this and we weren't sure where it left us but we decided to keep spending time together and that we would talk again about it soon.

 

Fast forward a month and a half. Things are going great, we spend lots of time together, I've met and hung out with his brother and bro's wife on his birthday, I've met lots of his friends, it feels caring and supportive and sweet and like things are moving forward. He mentions how I can leave whatever I want at his apartment, that he might win a couples vacation at work and who else would he take on it? We recently went to the opera together about 2 weeks ago and he bought a whole new outfit for it to make sure he looked appropriate. He asked me what was up for my birthday just a week ago and I asked if he would be my date. We said we both wanted to be with each other at midnight. I hadn't seen as much of him the past two weeks because of our schedules and I thought perhaps he was a bit more distant than normal but I chalked it up to him having a tough job and our schedules conflicting so much the past few weeks. I spent the night at his on Tuesday after a rough day and we ordered food, cuddled and watched a movie, and then went to bed and woke up in the middle of the night and made love. Fast forward to Thursday when we were supposed to be hanging out again and he asked if we were meeting at my place. I thought that was odd because I have a roommate and he has to wake up very early for his job, like 4am, so I usually stay at his place. I asked if he could stay over and he said no sleepover tonight. I asked if all was ok? No response for 5 hours until I get the message "All ok but there are some things we need to talk about."

 

The whole day I was getting a feeling that something was off but when I got that message I just knew something was going to happen when he came over. I didn't know if he was finally going to initiate the conversation we'd been avoiding or if he was going to break up with me. But when he came over and I saw a plastic bag, I knew. "Is that my stuff?" I asked, nodding to the bag. "Yes," he said.

 

We talked in my room for about an hour and I still couldn't get exact reasoning from him except that he had started to feel distant a few weeks ago and he was monitoring it. And he was hoping that his feelings would go back to normal but they weren't the same as they were when we talked about being together a month and a half ago. I asked if maybe it was just the honeymoon phase had worn off and that we were settling into a more normal kind of routine type of relationship and he said no, he didn't think so because he's experienced that before and this didn't feel like that. He said it was more a 'feeling' he had that we weren't going to work out and that he didn't see a future for us. He also brought up the fact that he thought there would always be trust issues regarding the drugs. He said I'd made a few comments here and there about drugs that made him uncomfortable even when he hadn't been doing anything, like if he was sniffling or had a cold, he'd notice me looking at him or saying something (which i didn't do that often). He said he wondered if that's what the rest of his life would be like if we stayed together. He brought up kids and said he might start to get baby fever soon (His brother's wife is about 5 months pregnant). I told him he had made me think quite a lot about children and whether i wanted them or not and the thing is it's not off the table for me but it would be about the partner I was with. If I was so in love with my partner that I wanted to create a family with him, I would want to do it, but that's only something I would know being with the person.

 

He said that he started to realize that I saw this moving towards a relationship and he was getting more unsure and that having my stuff all over his apartment didn't help. I exclaimed, "you told me to leave whatever i wanted there!" and he said he knew that, but it kept being more and more and every time he saw my stuff it reminded him that he wasn't at that point and he didn't think he'd get there.

 

I told him I had been very confused too but i thought we would at least wait until after the holidays to talk about everything. I didn't understand why he'd bring up my birthday if he was going to do this, and he said he felt like he was supposed to. But that he thought ultimately it would hurt me more to break up with me after my birthday if we spent new years together and went out and he bought me a gift, that I'd be even more confused and upset. I told him I'd much rather he waited till after my birthday so he wouldn't ruin the entire day for me. I've always hated my birthday on NYE and he knows that. It is so hard to have a birthday on this day and also know that if you're single on this day you are going to have a ****ty moment at midnight, but now to have a solo New years birthday and know that I was broken up with a week earlier, all i'm going to be thinking about leading up to midnight is the fact that I won't be kissing my ex at midnight. I had so been looking forward to being with him this year given my ****ty birthdays in the past and everything I've been through this year with my health and treatment. I also had gifts for him that I had bought him for christmas i'd been planning on giving him that night (just thoughtful small things i knew he'd like) and I didn't expect anything from him because i don't celebrate christmas, but all the same, it still sucks to get dumped right before the holidays. I didn't give him the gifts, obviously.

 

The whole thing just feels like I was blindsided. I understand his reasoning for doing it now instead of later, but I think he should have waited till after my birthday so we could have a conversation together. Instead he came over with my **** in a plastic bag and had made up his mind without talking to me about drugs or kids, he just decided the feelings weren't there anymore. This could be possible, but a huge part of me wonders if this is more about drugs than anything else. Is he unwilling to change his lifestyle and he doesn't see himself being able to quit drugs completely? Did he pick drugs over me? Otherwise, this came out of the blue. Things had been going very well and we didn't fight or argue, it was a very affectionate, supportive, comfortable relationship (even though we hadn't labeled it). He even said during our talk that maybe he was making a mistake.

 

I've been a mess the past few days. I miss him and I think we could have worked something out and I even started to be able to see him as a dad to our potential children (if he cut out the drugs), but now I'm left without him, and knowing my 35th birthday is going suck and I'm going to be thinking about him all night.

 

If anyone has read this far, thank you. I am in distress.

 

Thoughts?

 

~Katherine~

[basil67]

I'm so sorry you're hurting.

 

He was stuck between a rock and a hard place. If he ends it before your birthday, then he's the guy who dumped you near your birthday. But if he ended it after your birthday, then he would have been the guy who strung you along and made you think everything was Ok when it wasn't. He was truly in a no-win situation.

 

His reasons for ending this were sound. It sounds like he was more than willing to *try* and change his lifestyle for you, but the fact that any slip-up on his part would be a dealbreaker for you...well it was too much of a risk for him. Yes, I guess he chose his lifestyle over you. But equally, you were showing zero compromise. Now, for what it's worth, I wouldn't be Ok with the drugs either.....but you chose to date him KNOWING that he did something which was a dealbreaker. You can't entirely blame him over this. And I totally get that you making comments or looking weirdly at him if he sniffed would be something to make him question his relationship with you. (yes, even if you only did it a few times). He would have felt like you were looking over his shoulder all the time.

 

Also, you were putting a lot on him with asking at only a few months in for absolute commitment to not ending things if he couldn't cope with your disease. He didn't know you or your disease well enough at all to make any type of commitment over it. And using words such as 'heartbreak' to describe how you'd feel.....it was just too much pressure on him.

 

There was no need for a final conversation. You'd made your terms absolutely clear. Drugs were a dealbreaker. Therefore, if he slipped up a few years after you'd established a great relationship, you'd end it no matter what. If you don't give him the right of negotiation in matters of non-compatibility, then you aren't entitled to it in return.

 

There was no blindsiding by him. Both of you knew that the future of the relationship was uncertain due to his drug use and your dealbreakers.

 

Grieve the loss of this relationship. Then start to work at moving on. And learn from it. #1 lesson: don't continue to date a person who does something you feel is a dealbreaker and then ask them to change. Find someone who is a great fit as they are.

 

Hugs to you.

[Bromeo]

Katherine,

 

I am so sorry you are in this mess. My ex wife left me a week before my birthday and two weeks before Xmas. We were together 12 years. Not comparing or minimizing, just saying I understand.

 

I was inconsolable during the holidays that year.

 

I have read some amazingly horribly tales on this site. Whatever his reasoning, he mostly clearly communicated with you. If you would like the opposite, read my tale posted here. It's a good laugh in the middle of processing through the hurt.

 

The thing is, 4 months isn't that long. Which means the time to heal will be much shorter. Be patient with yourself, and allow the emotions to come and go as they please.

 

Took me 10 months to start feeling better after the wife left. Took three post no contact after the last relationship of eighteen months ended to feel confident again.

 

Roll with the punches, don't contact him unless you feel healed, and try your very best to enjoy the holidays.

 

Dave

[katalina1231]

Thank you for your replies. I am doing my best to not cry all day.

 

Basil, in response to your reply, we had talked about compromise. Our initial conversation was a tough one but we agreed to revisit it. I just assumed that we would talk after the holidays. And I had come to a place that I was falling in love with him and that I would have moved forward if he could make an honest attempt to stop. If he slipped up I would most likely ask him to go to counseling if he wanted to make things work, especially if he was wanting to start a family. In regards to my illness, I had been doing very well and I would say it rarely affected our relationship. I had asked him to be a bit more involved in what I was dealing with and learning more about it, which he seemed receptive to.

 

I just don't understand why he was talking about taking vacations together, introducing me to certain friends, initiating plans for the New Year and my birthday if he was going to do this a week later. I feel like he wasn't communicating his feelings leading up to the breakup. There had been no conversations about drugs or babies, just us spending quality time together. I still feel that this came out of the blue.

 

I appreciate all opinions, though, especially male point of views. I'm trying so hard to understand what happened and if this was more about drugs than his feelings for me.

 

Thanks, guys.

[ExpatInItaly]

I have to say, I agree with his reasoning of ending it before Christmas and your birthday. I think had he waited and then broken up with you, you wouldn't be thrilled that he was essentially putting on an act and faking it knowing he wasn't into it or the potential relationship anymore. It's not fun, but I get where he's coming from.

 

Also, I think that you two were incompatible in several ways. Drug use and one's desire for kids are not minor issues. They are reflective of values and very significant life choices. You two had very different positions on this and it would likely have caused serious problems the further into the relationship you went.

 

It is hurtful now, but I really believe he's actually done you a favour. I don't think this one would've worked out very well, long-term.

[basil67]

Thank you for your replies. I am doing my best to not cry all day.

 

Basil, in response to your reply, we had talked about compromise. Our initial conversation was a tough one but we agreed to revisit it. I just assumed that we would talk after the holidays. And I had come to a place that I was falling in love with him and that I would have moved forward if he could make an honest attempt to stop. If he slipped up I would most likely ask him to go to counseling if he wanted to make things work, especially if he was wanting to start a family. In regards to my illness, I had been doing very well and I would say it rarely affected our relationship. I had asked him to be a bit more involved in what I was dealing with and learning more about it, which he seemed receptive to.

 

I just don't understand why he was talking about taking vacations together, introducing me to certain friends, initiating plans for the New Year and my birthday if he was going to do this a week later. I feel like he wasn't communicating his feelings leading up to the breakup. There had been no conversations about drugs or babies, just us spending quality time together. I still feel that this came out of the blue.

 

I appreciate all opinions, though, especially male point of views. I'm trying so hard to understand what happened and if this was more about drugs than his feelings for me.

 

Thanks, guys.

 

Even if counselling or rehab would have been another option for you, it's still all on your terms. He spent a good amount of time considering those terms and a relationship but ultimately decided that those terms weren't what he wanted. He felt that they'd push him into a corner and increase he potential for dishonesty on his part. It's a perfectly reasonable response on his part.

 

Him continuing talking and planning with you as normal would have been about making the right decision for himself without risk of being swayed by any conversations with you. He had the facts and was mulling them over. Keeping his thoughts to himself would have had the added advantage of not damaging the relationship had he decided to stay.

 

As someone else said, this was only a four month relationship. If there is a positive, it's that you didn't waste a lot of time on it. And that he hasn't strung you along.

 

Stay strong and choose wisely.

[BluesPower]

Do you really want to get into a serious relationship with a guy, at your ages, that is still doing coke and other stuff. Most of us left that alone in our 20s.

 

He is kind of a man child and not the type to get serious, get married and have kids.

 

You may not realize it, but he made a good decision FOR YOU. You are going to be so much better off.

[katalina1231]

blues, thanks for your response. I hear what you're saying and it's something I had struggled with since the beginning. There was just such a strong connection between us that I wanted to see where it could go. I do disagree that he wasn't the marrying type. He had wanted to get married to a previous girlfriend and had been saving for a ring. He was very distraught when she broke up with him. They had lived together for five years. He has always said that he wants children to be an option. And he told me he might start to get baby fever as he becomes more involved with his soon to be born nephew. These are things that he wanted and I had assumed that he would get more serious about his lifestyle as these things became realistic for him. I guess I was just hoping that I would be enough to inspire him to make those changes. Which is stupid I know because he can only make those changes for himself and he had told me so. I guess I was Inspiration enough a month and a half ago but not so much now.

 

I'm doing a little better than I was a few days ago but I'm still very hurt and sad and I miss him. I just don't understand why this keeps happening to me. It's like I keep picking guys who have substance abuse issues. My first boyfriend did Coke which is why this is such a hot topic for me. It was a bad experience and I was left very emotionally abused in the relationship. I only had one boyfriend who did not have an issue but he did drink quite a bit. The next boyfriend was always smoking weed and used to be a drug dealer. The next boyfriend after that was A functioning alcoholic. We stay together a year and a half. But I did not find out until about six dates in with this last guy that he had any kind of recreational drug use. By then I was already kind of hooked on them and we knew that we would have to talk about it.

 

I try so hard to vet the guys I'm dating and try to stay away from people with these issues but for whatever reason the universe keep throwing me people who have these using issues. I am an empath and find that I always try to help people for the better and I am trying so hard to break the cycle. But at almost 35 I am so tired of dating and hoping the right person will come along. I know I am not faultless but I have been very hurt in previous relationships. I am very independent and with each heartache I am less trusting and more cautious as I get involved. I'm just tired of it all and I know that I am a very loving patient kind partner. Not faultless but I am a good partner. And I have so much love to give. It is so hard after being ill for so long and trying to fight for a glimmer of recognition of my previous life prior to treating that I just hoped and I'm hoping I will find someone who is a good match for me.

[LivingWaterPlease]

katalina, you mentioned that you keep finding yourself dating men with substance using issues. Why not quit dating them the minute you find out they do this? I wouldn't date someone even one time who did coke or x (whatever that is) because it's not something I want around me or my family. It's a personal preference and I don't want to try to help someone quit doing something they enjoy.

 

Also, if someone told me he didn't want children, and I did, I wouldn't continue dating him because I wouldn't want him to change his mind because he loved me so much. I'd want him to have children because that was a genuine desire of his. So, that may have been part of his reasoning, too.

 

I do think it's possible, though, that his reasons for breaking up with you were also based on his feelings for you waning for reasons he either couldn't describe to you or didn't want to. From what you've written he was very kind to you in breaking things off when he did.

 

I encourage you to relax about finding a partner and just enjoy life for what it has to offer you as a single person.

 

Also, in your place, I'd not try to include a man I was in a relationship with in a health issue I was dealing with, ever. Even in a serious relationship. I would never encourage him to learn about a health problem I had. If he began to become interested in supporting me by learning about it I wouldn't hide anything but I would let him take things at his own pace in regards to it.

Edited December 26, 2016 by LivingWaterPlease

[katalina1231]

I do agree with you that I should cut people loose as soon as I learn there's a substance issue. But in terms of my health condition that is something that I would never want to hide from my partner. And quite frankly something I wouldn't be able to hide. It is very much a part of my life right now and anyone who chooses to be with me is also going to have to choose to be with me knowing that I livewith my chronic illness because it does and can impact a relationship. There's no getting around it.. I do hope to be in remission one day and I'm getting closer but if the person I'm with is scared by it or realizes that that's not for him that's not a person that I can be with. We can never know if we will stay healthy but someone will need to know this from the very beginning getting involved with me. I do not want to hide any health issues nor what I want to be accused of being dishonest. Anyone who wants to leave bc of it is someone I am not meant to be with.

 

I guess it's helpful to hear from so many people that what they think he did was kind but I have a hard time feeling this way. I just wish he'd given me an opportunity to talk to him about the thoughts I had been having about us long term. My willingness to have a child one day and my willingness to compromise on his lifestyle if he could work with me on it. I know it's too late and it's probably for the best and we probably would've had a lot of trouble down the road. It doesn't make it any easier right now.

[Bromeo]

blues, thanks for your response. I hear what you're saying and it's something I had struggled with since the beginning. There was just such a strong connection between us that I wanted to see where it could go. I do disagree that he wasn't the marrying type. He had wanted to get married to a previous girlfriend and had been saving for a ring. He was very distraught when she broke up with him. They had lived together for five years. He has always said that he wants children to be an option. And he told me he might start to get baby fever as he becomes more involved with his soon to be born nephew. These are things that he wanted and I had assumed that he would get more serious about his lifestyle as these things became realistic for him. I guess I was just hoping that I would be enough to inspire him to make those changes. Which is stupid I know because he can only make those changes for himself and he had told me so. I guess I was Inspiration enough a month and a half ago but not so much now.

 

I'm doing a little better than I was a few days ago but I'm still very hurt and sad and I miss him. I just don't understand why this keeps happening to me. It's like I keep picking guys who have substance abuse issues. My first boyfriend did Coke which is why this is such a hot topic for me. It was a bad experience and I was left very emotionally abused in the relationship. I only had one boyfriend who did not have an issue but he did drink quite a bit. The next boyfriend was always smoking weed and used to be a drug dealer. The next boyfriend after that was A functioning alcoholic. We stay together a year and a half. But I did not find out until about six dates in with this last guy that he had any kind of recreational drug use. By then I was already kind of hooked on them and we knew that we would have to talk about it.

 

I try so hard to vet the guys I'm dating and try to stay away from people with these issues but for whatever reason the universe keep throwing me people who have these using issues. I am an empath and find that I always try to help people for the better and I am trying so hard to break the cycle. But at almost 35 I am so tired of dating and hoping the right person will come along. I know I am not faultless but I have been very hurt in previous relationships. I am very independent and with each heartache I am less trusting and more cautious as I get involved. I'm just tired of it all and I know that I am a very loving patient kind partner. Not faultless but I am a good partner. And I have so much love to give. It is so hard after being ill for so long and trying to fight for a glimmer of recognition of my previous life prior to treating that I just hoped and I'm hoping I will find someone who is a good match for me.

 

Katherine,

 

First, please stop being so hard on yourself. We cannot control who the heart wants. Be the same kind of patient and loving with yourself that you would be with loved ones.

 

My ex had been arrested, did significant amounts of drugs, drank to excess, and had no education or work experiences / prospects. I am the complete opposite of the previous sentence. And I still loved her to pieces. Call me crazy. She told me I intimidated her and made her feel insecure, and is currently shnogging a morlock.

 

Please note that this is after I tried to get her into college for accounting, start her own family business, and had helped her obtain several jobs in our 18 months. Now, I completely understand I have my issues, and can be a wreck at times, but, I did try and help as I could.

 

I understand now that what I feared most at the time was being left again, and I attracted a partner whose response to any kind of stress was to abandon. Funny how what you think you want is not what is sent, eh?

 

By putting out a positive, confident vibe, you will attract in kind. As painful as my breakup was, I can say other than my short period of unemployment, it was a time of the most rapid growth in my life.

 

And continue to post here, it's wonderfully cathartic.

 

Dave

Edited December 27, 2016 by Bromeo
Double quotes.

[katalina1231]

Dave, thank you. It's helpful to write my feelings here so I don't go crazy and write a nutso email to my ex and send it. I just keep feeling like he made a mistake but I want to reach out. The temptation is so overwhelming especially since I don't have all of the answers from him that I want. I'm on five days without talking to him now since the break up. I thought I was doing better today but I just unraveled in tears again. I'm the worst at dealing with break ups but I think this one is especially hard because I realized I was in love with him and he quite literally made up his mind without giving me an opportunity to talk to him. I think seeing him coming to my apartment with a plastic bag of my things will be an image I just can't forget. When you know that someone has gone through their apartment slowly removing all of the items that you have left behind, you know that they contemplated their actions very seriously before coming to you with their verdict. It hurts so badly.