Is my ex boyfriend lying?

[warpingmind]

I've broken up with my exboyfriend 3 months ago, after a 10 year relationship, as he started to have feelings for another girl. Nevertheless, he wanted to continue our relationship but I told him I couldn't be with someone who wasn't a 100% into me.

 

Later that week I find, through two of our common friends and one of them I met him at the same time as my ex - 10 years ago, that he had been chasing a girl last November after she flirted with him a bit. Apparently he got obssessed with her.

 

SO, after that wee meet up at a wending he attended to I confront him. He tells me that he didn't chase the girl, she flirted with him and he told her he respected me more than anything.

 

Yesterday after 3 months of silence we met for a quick exchange of belongings. We spoke and he again denied he was chasing this girl. I told him two people knew about this and he asked me the name of the second person, to which I didn't tell him.

He asked me 'Don't you trust me after 10 years together?Do you rather trust other people than me?Have I ever lied to you?' . The fact is he lied to me once over his whereabouts but later confessed where he was by his own choice. That I know of it was the only time. When I asked him why would our friend of 10 years lie he said 'You know he is different, the breakup with X changed him, he must have mixed up things you know sometimes he says things that don't make sense.' I told my ex that someone changing doesn't make him a lier to which he went silent.

I really wanted to believe him but I've seen him lie to his parents face many times and his parents told me when he was little he was somewhat of a liar.

That and the fact there are 2 people saying the same thing makes me really confused about his honesty.

Also he told me he didn't like this girl he was falling for when we last broke up anymore.

 

It's been really hard not having him admitting to his own faults. Do you think he may be lying? Is there something I can ask him to do to prove his innocence?

Edited December 23, 2016 by warpingmind

[elaine567]

I know you WANT to believe him because you WANT to get back with him

BUT

How much more evidence do you need that this guy is a liar and can't be trusted? You've seen him lie, you know he lies, other people have told you he lies, yet here you are trying to turn him into Mr Innocent.

Even his parents have told you that he lies, he even lies to them, why would he not lie to you?. Parents are not usually the first to point at flaws in their children, so he must be pretty bad before his parents have told you he even lied as a small child.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, he is most likely lying to you. What reason would these other people have to make this up?

 

It sounds like your relationship ran its course and his heart isn't with you anymore. It's probably best to leave it alone so you can both move on. Otherwise, you will find yourself in the same position again, wondering why your boyfriend is falling for other women when he's supposed to be committed to you.

[Ilovepizzalady]

This is really difficult, but it appears he did lie, but doesn't want you to know because he knows it will hurt your feelings. It doesn't mean he lied to you the whole relationship or that he is a "liar" but right now, he is lying and you have to take him at what he is doing right now to the relationship. You have to look at his actions and see if they are meeting your current needs.

 

Your needs are totally normal and he is not meeting them.

[warpingmind]

Yes, he is most likely lying to you. What reason would these other people have to make this up?

 

It sounds like your relationship ran its course and his heart isn't with you anymore. It's probably best to leave it alone so you can both move on. Otherwise, you will find yourself in the same position again, wondering why your boyfriend is falling for other women when he's supposed to be committed to you.

 

So, you think if he really loved me he wouldn't fall for anyone else?

 

I'm starting to think he is a bit manipulative. I removed him from facebook a few weeks ago as I was really upset that day. Yesterday he confronted me like this 'Why did you do it? Do you know how hard it is to see what you did?' .Also to arrange a meeting to that day, to exchange things, I've sent him a message before. Cold but not rude. He said 'Do you know how it feels to wake up to a message as cold as that, not even a hello,anything?' . I felt very guilty afterwards.

He also said during our conversation 'I did many things for you during our relationship'.Is this trying to invalidate my feelings, like I shouldn't be hurt?

 

This was our second break up. First time we gave it a 'timeout' of a week as he was having mixed feelings. He decided he wanted me. Then in April he got those mixed feelings again and told me that this wouldn't probably work and we broke up. Two weeks later I take him back again as he is crying in my arms thanking me for letting him in again. The in September he hits me with 'I like this other girl but I still want to work it out with you'.Never once in all this he said the words 'I Want to break up'.

 

Please, tell me, am I wrong to be hurt just on the account of this?

[Ilovepizzalady]

This guy is taking you for granted, period. You need to shut the door to him, he is having feelings for other women, and he is not valuing you. You are allowing him to do this by letting him in. Don't worry about HIS feelings, worry about your own.

[Ilovepizzalady]

Take 30 days on your own, no talking to him. That's my opinion.

[warpingmind]

Take 30 days on your own, no talking to him. That's my opinion.

We broke up 3 and a half months ago and I last spoke to him 3 months ago,so I've been 3 months since talking to him...

[warpingmind]

Unfortunately I caved in and arranged a new meeting because I still wanted to ask him about a few things. I know now this was the worst idea ever.

He still denies he chased a girl back late last year but when I asked if he was with this girl he liked the day before he got back,he said yes and that they went to dinner. I asked him if he thought that was right and he said no, that he made a mistake but there was nothing he could do to change the past.Also I asked him how many times he had met her and he said some 6 or 7 times. When we broke up he told me 2 or 3 times,but I didn't confront him about this.

He said this in such a way that he made me believe there wasn't much regret on his part, as he didn't even apologize.

 

I told him I knew a few other things and he repeatedly asked me who told me such things and started to really raise his voice. I replied I wouldn't tell him who it was as I wouldn't want to call this person into question. He got really angry at me for not saying who it was and for me believing other people and told me 'believe me what you will'.

 

He even managed to make me feel bad for not congratulating him on his birthday last month.

 

So I left there in a wreck and thinking that he managed to turn things over and make me feel like I was the one who had done something wrong and so now he was angry.Is this some kind of manipulation? I feel like he still has such a power over me that I really hate.

[Formerfiveo]

He got really angry at me for not saying who it was and for me believing other people and told me 'believe me what you will'.

 

He even managed to make me feel bad for not congratulating him on his birthday last month.

 

So I left there in a wreck and thinking that he managed to turn things over and make me feel like I was the one who had done something wrong and so now he was angry.Is this some kind of manipulation? I feel like he still has such a power over me that I really hate.

 

 

Yes, this is exactly what manipulation is. Saying things and acting in ways that cause YOU to feel guilty and second guess yourself.

 

It's time to cut him completely out of your life and have no more contact with him. By keeping in contact, it's only hurting you - do you see that?

 

You have to take care of YOU and protect your feelings.

 

Do not reach out to him. Do not call him. Do not return calls. Block his # if you can. It's the only way you're going to heal.

 

Best of luck to you! Stay strong. You can do it! You are worth so much more than guilt trips and being someone's emotional packmule.

[warpingmind]

Yes, this is exactly what manipulation is. Saying things and acting in ways that cause YOU to feel guilty and second guess yourself.

 

It's time to cut him completely out of your life and have no more contact with him. By keeping in contact, it's only hurting you - do you see that?

 

You have to take care of YOU and protect your feelings.

 

Do not reach out to him. Do not call him. Do not return calls. Block his # if you can. It's the only way you're going to heal.

 

Best of luck to you! Stay strong. You can do it! You are worth so much more than guilt trips and being someone's emotional packmule.

 

Unfortunately I still have a joint mobile phone plan until January in which he receives the bill and we split it. I told him to send to me his iban with the value I have to pay so we don't need to deal with this in person.