Chief1970 Posted December 15, 2016 Share Posted December 15, 2016 I see so many post were the dumpee got hurt, but still wants to get back with there ex. What's the science behind holding onto hope for those that hurt us? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted December 15, 2016 Share Posted December 15, 2016 I see so many post were the dumpee got hurt, but still wants to get back with there ex. What's the science behind holding onto hope for those that hurt us? Living in a fantasy because it's easier than accepting that person for who they were/are, and what the situation truly is. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenHeartedMan89 Posted December 15, 2016 Share Posted December 15, 2016 I've been pondering this a lot recently. I was/am devastated still from an emotionally abusive/dramatic relationship that ended 5-6 months ago... Previous 'loves' have all been similar in their 'banter personality'. I'm not co-dependent as I don't really care what other people think of me... well beyond the normal. Yet I am always attracted to people that are mean... That from the outset have a big personality and are quick to belittle. It's almost as if by doing so they're showing you that they can take or leave you.. therefore have a higher value than you. Which makes you want them more because you think they're better than you... or you're not worthy of them.. I am only just coming to the realization in all this really, I think ultimately it comes down to setting your own boundaries and understanding your own self-worth. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted December 15, 2016 Share Posted December 15, 2016 I see so many post were the dumpee got hurt, but still wants to get back with there ex. What's the science behind holding onto hope for those that hurt us? Basically, I think it works like this. Our brains are programmed to be "loss adverse". Brains, like nature, abhor a vacuum. That is to say, whenever anything in our lives goes missing, our brain's first reaction to fill the void. We do it in this order: 1) fill the void with the thing that is missing, or 2) fill the void with something of similar kind. In this way our brains are pre-disposed to react to loss by taking reactive actions to replace or fill a loss post haste. Ok, now put this into relationship terms and when a person suddenly goes missing in your life (because they broke up with you) they leave a void. Step 1 in "must fill the void" mode for your brain is... put the thing that is missing back into the void. E.g. get the dumper back no matter what. Rational thought as to whether the person is right/wrong for you really can't start until you get the void filled. If step 1 doesn't work, we go to step 2 - fill it with something similar. How many times have you seen this or done this? Void is refilled and then rational thought can continue. That refilling with like kind... ya we call that a rebound relationship and there is a reason no one ever wants to be a rebound. It is really hard for rational thought to continue until the void is filled. In fact, the third step in the process if you can't or won't fill the void with a like kind, is to come to accept the void. That is okay for the void to exist. Only after acceptance can rational thought resume. Wordy, but I hope it makes sense. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted December 15, 2016 Share Posted December 15, 2016 Some people hold on for grim death, trying to avoid the inevitable pain of loss. Take care. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DarrenB Posted December 15, 2016 Share Posted December 15, 2016 Because in a lot of cases it's not considered a mutual breakup... therefore you've essentially got no choice. Your thoughts, feelings, love towards them lingers on, whereas there's diminishes immediately. Link to post Share on other sites
PLT Posted December 15, 2016 Share Posted December 15, 2016 Just the thread I needed to read today One of the most difficult things I'm finding at the moment is reconciling 2 incompatible truths. 1) She was bloody horrible to me, and continues to be by her inaction and lack of basic human compassion or remorse. 2) I still love her. It's also very difficult knowing that I really could have done no more to try and make it work. She made little real effort. All that effort and sacrifice I made, and it meant NOTHING. That really angers me and yet I somehow have to find a way to forgive her so I don't stay stuck. This is really messing with my head. I just can't understand why I feel like this, no matter which way I look at it. Right now I'm just holding on to the hope that it will slowly get better with time. It doesn't feel like it will, I'm as devastated by it now as I was 4 months ago when it happened, although I am coping better with living my life without her. It's all very well for friends and family to say I'm better off without her and I deserve better. I know that myself. And yet I simply cannot switch my feelings off towards her. I wish I could. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chief1970 Posted December 15, 2016 Author Share Posted December 15, 2016 Living in a fantasy because it's easier than accepting that person for who they were/are, and what the situation truly is. I'll agree. I was sitting by the phone waiting for my ex to call. The whole time just thinking they were just having a bad day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chief1970 Posted December 15, 2016 Author Share Posted December 15, 2016 What's worse? When your ex is dating someone who you know is a good catch or when your ex is dating someone who is going to hurt them? Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted December 15, 2016 Share Posted December 15, 2016 I'm not afraid to admit that for me, this stems from a lifelong habit of wanting people to like me, and having that feeling intensify when there's reason to believe they don't like me. I remember a former friend turning on me early in high school and making my life a living hell for several months through various forms of taunting and emotional abuse. I felt so much anger toward him, yet there was also this piece of me that was often thinking of ways to find some common ground so that we could get along again. Not being liked is something I think most people fear to some degree at some time in their life. This can manifest itself in strange ways and make it difficult to enforce healthy boundaries. Instead of having the self-worth to tell ourselves that someone not liking us is their loss, we may feel inclined to double down and work even harder for their approval. Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted December 15, 2016 Share Posted December 15, 2016 What's worse? When your ex is dating someone who you know is a good catch or when your ex is dating someone who is going to hurt them? I think it depends how much you're still invested in the person. If your investment is high, then you're not going to like anyone they date. Good catch or someone who's going to hurt them; it doesn't matter, because both will cause a hit to your self-esteem. As you become more detached from that person, I think it's better to see them with a good catch, assuming the ex didn't do you wrong. By that point, you should just want to wish them well and not see them hurt simply because you're still being petty about something from the distant past. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chief1970 Posted December 16, 2016 Author Share Posted December 16, 2016 I'm not afraid to admit that for me, this stems from a lifelong habit of wanting people to like me, and having that feeling intensify when there's reason to believe they don't like me. I remember a former friend turning on me early in high school and making my life a living hell for several months through various forms of taunting and emotional abuse. I felt so much anger toward him, yet there was also this piece of me that was often thinking of ways to find some common ground so that we could get along again. Not being liked is something I think most people fear to some degree at some time in their life. This can manifest itself in strange ways and make it difficult to enforce healthy boundaries. Instead of having the self-worth to tell ourselves that someone not liking us is their loss, we may feel inclined to double down and work even harder for their approval. I honestly think this is what happened to me. My ex no longer liked me and I couldn't accept that fact. Link to post Share on other sites
Been Posted December 16, 2016 Share Posted December 16, 2016 Same as a drug user. You know it's bad for you and nothing good will come out of it but you keep doing the drug because of the feeling you get from it. Link to post Share on other sites
oasis Posted December 16, 2016 Share Posted December 16, 2016 I happen to be someone that retreats when I've come to the realization that people's feeling have changed towards me. I use retreat as a way of combatting the pain....even though it still hurts. But my dignity and self-worth would not allow me to continue trying to regain lost love or lost friendship. So I just freeze everything and stop trying. Link to post Share on other sites
Lorenza Posted December 16, 2016 Share Posted December 16, 2016 I believe that it's familiarity and the comfort of dysfunction that makes us want to keep on being in relationships that hurt us. For the same reason we want out exes back, even when they seemingly didn't bring anything good to our lives. But they brought familiarity. We either grew up watching dysfunctional relationships or been in ones early on which makes us stick to the pain. The devil you know is better than the one you don't know? Link to post Share on other sites
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