My very recent breakup story

[learntolovemyself]

In early 2015 met this man on Tinder. I had not intended to get into another relationship having been out of one for four months but I really liked him and I enjoyed conversations with him. He wasn't entirely someone I felt instantly attracted to but we connected mentally. The relationship didn't start off in a whirlwind like my previous relationships. It was slow. It made me a little insecure, I wondered if he actually liked me. He had an accident and I found myself offering to help him which sped up the process of him meeting my child. The first year was full of uncertainty but he was sweet in many ways and so I stayed on to see if things would blossom. I even told him I loved him when I could feel he didn't love me back...

This year was even worse than the first in terms of uncertainty and insecurities. I was jealous of all his interactions with women. He hardly touched me. We didn't have sex often. I started to feel like a doormat as he demanded more of my time and help. It wasn't all bad mind you. We had good days and happy moments for sure.

But after our first fight over my jealousy (he friended a waitress at a restaurant he frequents alone and he had a lot of young women on his FB friend list) things went south. He came around less. He didn't talk much to me. I was going through a depressive episode (I have depression and GAD). He took that personally, rather than trying to understand my condition and blamed it on me. All in all, it was bad. I asked him over and over again that if I didn't meet his standards or if I wasn't what he really wanted then he needed to let me go. I just wanted him to be honest with me.

Instead, his behavior changed so much around me that I started to get suspicious there was another woman. His behavior was much like my ex-husband when he was being unfaithful. It's funny how the signs are so similar. Still, I wanted him to stay with me because I was in love.

After a second breakup and getting back together I let him move in with me to again... help him out. He was highly shady with his phone and would often get home late and spend weekends away (building his business supposedly). I finally snooped. Not once but four times and found so much evidence to confirm my suspicions. He wanted me to forgive him and to work it out. I tried. I really did. But just two nights ago, I re-read his phone messages and realized that his flirting and sexting with other women was a much deeper and longer lasting issue than I had initially thought. He cheapened the intimacy I thought we had. This made the loyalty I had for him look foolish. I was so mad and embarrassed and sad. This isn't the first man to do this in a relationship and I have to wonder how bad do I act in a relationship to cause this behavior? How badly wired am I that I attract these type of men? I don't know! Seriously. I don't get it. I asked him multiple times that if there was another woman or even thought of dating others, then he'd better be honest and let me be free to move on. But he didn't. He assured me, only in the last couple months, that he loved me. He said he was committed to me. But his actions were something else.

Admittedly I wanted to be shown a lot of affirmations of love and attraction at first. But I could have settled with an occasional affirmation afterward. If it felt right to do, do it. As I did for him. I wasn't needy or clingy until I felt a threat in the relationship. I wasn't jealous until I realized how sneaky he was and how much he lied.

How can I forget the lying. He lied about so much about himself that it is a wonder i didn't call him out on his bullcrap from the beginning. I guess I was just desperate to find love.

I'm finally ready to move on. I'm taking the 28 day ex boyfriend cleanse through a book I just purchased to help me get over this. Even though as of a few minutes ago I text him to ask if he had my teacup in his car because I am noticing now that my set is incomplete... ugh!

Lord help me. I will get through this. I deserve better. I want to be a better person inside and out for myself and then hopefully one day for the right person.

Edited December 14, 2016 by learntolovemyself

[gulfball]

I don't know if you've seen Fantastic Beasts, but my favorite line from that movie comes from a character who is talking to another character about a woman he used to love. My memory is horrible but she says something like "she was a taker, and you're a giver. You need another giver."

 

You were a giver and he was a taker. I can tell from your post that you are an AMAZING beautiful wonderful person and you deserve so much better. Work on falling in love with yourself first! Then you'll see right through the bad people that try to enter your life. You need to keep pushing those toxic relationships out of the way to make room for good relationships. If you keep wasting your time on a-holes, then you're not giving the good guys a chance to get to know you.