ready to listen to reason

[bdarling]

Here's the deal...

I've been on here before in trying to cope with a break up that happened 7 months ago. I do not know what I was looking for, but the NC rule just did not seem like an option. The biggest problem I have had was that I could not get a straight answer from her about why she did it. There were some very traumatic events that occurred during the last 8 months of our relationship that left me so empty and alone when it ended.

Briefly, the most traumatic was when her ex returned to be closer to their son. i was actually in favor of this happening because it freed up more of her time to spend with me, and I felt it was good for their son. Not long after he returned, and although never meeting me, he was not happy that I was ever around their son. I also found out he was very verbally abusive to her as well. It seemed that he had some abusive control over her and she felt very weak around him. Her default when there was trouble was to withdraw. One day when I could not reach her via text or calling I went to her home. She did not look happy to see me and after some probing she told me that her ex had accused me of abusing their son in a sexual manner. I was appalled at the allegation and got very upset. The ex never did file anything and the story sounded very unrealistic which made me wonder how she could even entertain the idea that it was true. She of course withdrew and started taking her son to therapy-which also baffled me if it was not true, why would he need therapy. It seemed she did not jump to my defense and I got weary of the whole thing. Eventually I tried to end it with her. But, she wanted to see me and begged me not to end it. Shortly after that, she told me she had a conversation with her son when he was asking her if they could play this game that he played with his Dad. Needless to say, it had creepy sexual undertones to it, and when she told the therapist about it, the therapist felt it needed to be reported. Her ex got wind of this, blamed me and her for conspiring against him and then he reported me. This was 2 months after his initial allegation. I was interviewed and they made nothing of it. She told me that because her son did not voluntarily bring up this game that there was nothing they could do. Their son was 4 years old at the time. While this was going on I did my best to keep my cool, but in reality I was keeping a lot of anger bottled up. Her ex eventually moved away, but the residual feelings that I had did not. I was resentful, hurt and angry that she even entertained the idea and that she did not defend me. But, most of all, I do not think she ever realized how an accusation like that really hurts someone. I tried not to let the dark cloud of this event taint our relationship but it seemed like the innocent and lightness of our relationship was over.

She lived with her parents, but was very unhappy so after several missed move out dates I began to think nothing was going to change. I was also seeing a therapist at this point who was convincing me nothing would change and I ought to break it off. I loved her very much and thought that she was the one and that if we could make it through this crap we would be together forever. To be honest, I started to lose respect for her when she broke her vow not to speak to her ex again, because in all reality he was a pedophile. Sorry it is getting so heavy. She became distant and I became resentful. Finally she ended it saying she needed to be alone to raise her son. She said she still loved me very much, so I thought it was temporary. Then about 2 weeks later I ran into her less than a mile from my house at a thrift store. She told me she thought she would run into me sooner or later. Then her son told me they moved around the corner. She used to live about 13 miles from me.

I admit that I went kind of nuts. Why did she move so close to me if she did not want to see me. I felt she was not being truthful and in my mind if she lied about one thing, then what else is a lie.

Regretfully, I have been going at her for the past 7 months trying to get the real reason she broke up with me. In reality, I think it was my sick way of maintaining some sort of relationship with her. I thought maybe her ex was moving back here, and a bunch of other things. Because she withdrew and did not respond much of the time, my mind would just assume she was lying. I believe I felt she owed me something for enduring all of the painful experience with her ex. All of the feelings surfaced to the top about it and I felt too overwhelmed to deal with it. i felt she should have helped me deal with it because she brought her ex into my life. I was just a crazy *******. But, in my defense I do have abandonment issues from my childhood. But, I had no idea I was so messed up. I never acted like that before. I never did anything to hurt her or any of the crazy, jealous, jilted anger things guys tend to do, but I wrote her way too many emails . It seemed once I got started I could not stop. She would often ignore me which just made me angrier. I do not like myself for losing control like this, not to mention my self respect. I feel hollow and alone. I have gone on some dates but I do not feel like I should inflict myself on anyone.

I also need to mention that for the past 4 years I have been flying back and forth to Phoenix to help my sick mother. I have also dealt with some "friends" of mine who were using me for money. It just seems like overall I was being played for a fool-a fool in life. I had to be strong for my mother so I kept a lot of stuff bottled up. I think I was taking my frustrations out on her for these other things-very unfair.

My ex used to think so highly of me, and I know she must think quite the opposite now. I made it a point to not call her names, and I would never threaten her. She never asked me to leave her alone until 2 months ago, and I would for a week, but then my mind would start focusing on something else I thought she lied about so i would ask her about it. There is nothing redeeming about the way I have acted and I am very ashamed. I want to leave her alone but do not know where to channel my anger.

Perhaps this is all too much for a site like this which seems to deal with the lighter side of break ups. I just wish she did not move so close to me-this has made it very hard because I am always fearful of running into her. I have been in therapy, but it does not seem to help me late at night when I am lonely and want her back.

My question is, should I even want her back? How pathetic am I for not moving on?

[anina27]

You are not pathetic for not being able to move on! But you have to move one. Its hard to leave someone you love behind and the possibility of always running into them only makes it that much harder. Stick with the therapy and deal with the abandonment issues and other troubles you may be facing. If you feel your therapist is not helping you, find another. She has her own set of issues to deal with, her son should be her priority! She need to set boundaries with her ex. Your main priority right now needs to be you. The sick can not heal the sick! Goodluck.

[Sweetfish]

Here's the deal...

 

Normally.. I would say something pretty unrestricted which others may seem as harsh, but I would like to share what I believe has unfolded. If you don't mind I want to touch on some points and its up to you how you want to take my opinion and perspective..because I feel you gave a lot of information that is truthful (IE. you have very good self reflection) I don't want to give you generic advise..but as I was reading I came to some assumptions and the assumptions were met with facts later on in your writings.

 

I do not know what I was looking for, but the NC rule just did not seem like an option.

 

First NC is always an option and yet love always seems to bring us back into the eye of the storm. The point of NC is for you and only you. Getting the other person back in the process is just "bonus points" and after NC if this so called "bonus" comes back...some of us come to the reality that he or she was simply a "credit card scam" that drove us into emotional debt and looking to collect more.

 

Briefly, the most traumatic was when her ex returned to be closer to their son. i was actually in favor of this happening because it freed up more of her time to spend with me, and I felt it was good for their son. Not long after he returned, and although never meeting me, he was not happy that I was ever around their son. ETC ETC ETC

 

I'm not going to break down this whole paragraph. You are adult enough to know what was right and what was wrong. What I will tell you is you are in the middle of one big monkey branch.

 

Some children ask the mother if they can go play at Bobbies house and if mom says no they ask the father. This is a child's way of money branching and using two sources to achieve their goal.

 

The girl you were with, did the same with you (monkey branched) and the ex and is conflicted.

 

She has the ex who is abusive and controlling lowering her self-worth. This can actually, (in a twisted way) inflict a unwanted/subconscious attraction to the abuser. She will have a need to "prove her self to the ex boyfriend"

 

The other end of the spectrum she has you "the hero" of all her problems bringing her self worth-up. In return you get love and affections. The problem here is you have a lot of insecurities and being with her and getting the love and affection relieves you of these insecurities.

 

This creates a very unhealthy circle.

 

This female you were with will always be connect to her abuser boyfriend until she gets help and you will always have these insecurities until you face them.

 

Everyone one in your story including you, have all deep rooted issues and its just not going to work and you need to open the airplane door on this bird, jump and pull the rip cord and never look back.

 

I have also dealt with some "friends" of mine who were using me for money. It just seems like overall I was being played for a fool-a fool in life.

 

Many people here may disagree or argue this. But you are the creator of these friends. Once you leave milk at the door for a cat, it will come back for more the next day. Its not there for love and affection and it may appear to be love and affection as the cat grazes against your pants leg and purrs, but the reality is your proving a utility. What you've created is a utility for your friends and the best they get out of you is your help.. its not the compassion behind the help. This skill, you honed sooo perfectly over the years (helping others) is such a precious skill, ironically so many men and women do not practice this mastery on them self.

 

Its like being in the stock market and spending all your resources on other stocks that make your market value drop. Every time you help someone else...you take a little away from you. As I write this.. Im taking a little away from me. What you don't want to do is make it consume you.

 

 

My ex used to think so highly of me, and I know she must think quite the opposite now. I made it a point to not call her names, and I would never threaten her. She never asked me to leave her alone until 2 months ago, and I would for a week, but then my mind would start focusing on something else I thought she lied about so i would ask her about it. There is nothing redeeming about the way I have acted and I am very ashamed. I want to leave her alone but do not know where to channel my anger.

 

We all make mistakes. Don't beat your self up. This girl made... MANY MISTAKES that make your mistakes look like drop of water in a lake.

 

Therapy - I have this double edge sword with therapy. Its simply a wealth of knowledge from an expert and they may or may not connect with you. Like doctors.. you have good ones and bad ones. Its actually a good place by far to unload your problems. I think that it is the most beneficial thing about therapist and next they give you another perspective. But by all no means will they always fix you.

 

You have to fix you. I would start by diverting all help to other people and help your self. Bring up your stock. Also, be strong for your mother and try not to focus any anger on her..

 

But you have a right to be angry... like really F-ing angry and cry and moan and whine and cuss the world. But once you let all that anger out... I think you need to stay away from this girl and start helping you...No way you can grow in the condition you are in.. while in a relationship... no way.

 

I know it sounds corny as crap.. (can't cuss lol)

 

But 6 months later when start looking back... your going to look back and say WTF.. LOL

 

I hope that helps.. good luck

[Satu]

You rejected NC, because you thought that remaining connected, would enable you to avoid the inevitable pain of the loss.

 

That didn't work, so reconsider NC.

 

Honestly speaking, I think you need to do NC more than most.

 

 

Take care.