Dating for 4 months; Not sure if we have broken up

[BlkVelvet]

***I'M SO SORRY THIS IS SO LOOOOONG!! BUT PLEASE READ AND HELP!***

 

 

Hi all.

 

I'm a new poster but have been lurking on and off for a couple of years. The majority of you are really supportive so I thought I'd bring my problem to the board.

 

I've been dating a man for 4 months but have been knowing him for 7 years. We met through a mutual friend he was casually seeing at the time. Anyway, I knew from the first meeting that he was attracted to me but he was not inappropriate or disrespectful of our mutual friend in any way. When they soon stopped seeing each other, he requested me on Facebook and I accepted and we remained that way over the years, liking each others pics and occasionally commenting including extremely rare but non-serious friendly flirting.

 

Well, he finally got up the nerve to message me and ask me out in Feb. I accepted but there was no date actually set up and it was left kind of in the air so I forgot about it and it never happened. Fast forward to August and he messages me out of the blue joking about me inviting him out with me the next time I go somewhere fun (he'd been looking on FB at all the fun places I was going to this summer) I didn't respond to him for 2 days because I honestly wasn't very interested and he never followed up with our date the first time he asked me out.

 

To make a long story short, we ended up going out, had a fantastic, interesting and laughter-filled first date, he set up the second date before we even went on the FIRST one (the second date was Disneyland -- ALL paid for by him), and continued to date and talk and text and started to get serious pretty quickly (I just turned 42 this month; he will be 44 in Dec), i.e., marriage, where we want to live, retirement, children (I have one still at home; he has none and has never been married) Neither of us want children so that's great. Anyway, suffice it to say it was a wonderful, loving, attentive, mature, communicative relationship. I've met all of his family -- even visiting relatives -- and he has met one of my closest relatives and two of my closest friends and my oldest son and my youngest daughter (I have 3 children). He has been supportive, generous, and loving and expressive the entire time we have been dating. We both decided to wait for intimacy and didn't have sex until 2 1/2 months into the relationship and he took us away to a romantic beach city. We have made plans for future trips and having a life together.

 

But 4 months hit. And he has a very demanding career and works a LOT. He left (after discussing it with me and making sure I was okay with it) to another state last month and will be gone until mid December. We kept in touch every day, all contact initiated by him (which was usually the case from the beginning), he kept me in the loop about everything he was doing, and he opened his Outlook calendar to me so that I could always see his schedule. I didn't request ANY of this and really pleasantly surprised he would do this but it reinforced to me that he really was serious about me.

 

He's a great guy, but he has some insecurities. He thinks I'm out of his league, and doesn't seem to have the highest level of confidence. If we have a little spat, (and there have only been a few, nothing major at all) he seems to panic or over react and say "Well, maybe we aren't right for each other?" Or "Are you not wanting to be with me?" So I had to adress this behavior and tell him that he can't talk about breaking up every time there is a disagreement or an argument. (He hasn't been in a real relationship in 10 years or so, so. . .yeah)

 

To get to the point, he has been away now for a solid month and to ME it has started to be a bit of a strain. He seems moodier with me and less patient. Still loving and attentive but just not as. . .calm as he was before. We had a STUPID, PETTY, RIDICULOUS misunderstanding two weeks ago and after calling each other back and forth trying to communicate, he got frustrated and hopped off the phone MAD. He said, "You're not happy. You need to be happy." I decided to just let him cool off. The next morning I logged on to FB and lo and behold, this MFer BLOCKED ME. He blocked me from Instagram, also. He didn't delete me from his calendar but I just deleted myself because I was really hurt and shocked. He'd never done this before. He DID overreact the night before he left to go out of town for work and stormed out of my house angry, but that was it.

 

Anyway, we had no contact at all for 6 days. And then I texted him. I just asked him what his problem was and if he was insane and that we love each other so why is he acting so ridiculous. I didn't know whether he had blocked me from his phone too, I assumed he did, but i sent the text anyway because it made ME feel better. Surprisingly, I was not blocked and he immediately texted me back telling me he would call me soon. He was still working (He does camera work for shows so he can't talk all the time). I then replied saying that if he doesn't love me he doesn't have to call me, but I just thought he was a better man than this and that his behavior is shocking to me. He then texts this:

 

"I don't know what to tell you, I thought I was ready but I'm not. I think I felt trapped and I obviously still have anger issues"

 

Well, I WENT OFF. Everything else, I could try to understand, but TRAPPED??? By ME??? Oh, no, buddy. Absolutely NOT. He was the one propelling the relationship the ENTIRE TIME. (He also JUST paid for my entire birthday party and it wasn't cheap) So TRAPPED??? Unacceptable. A cop out. Bullcrap. And I let him have it. He didn't respond further and neither did I. Then, two days later, Thanksgiving, I was going through old texts (do NOT try this at home, folks) and couldn't help but text him telling him that it's really hard to believe that after all of the things he said to me and promised me and DID for me, that he didn't mean any of it. I told him that I was not going to break up with him, or cheat on him. I was going to love him, learn him, understand him, and support him. THAT was my vision. THAT is what I was going to gift to him. But he gave up on us so easily. So, I miss you. But I'll let you go.

 

And I was DONE.

 

Then he called. About an hour later. He was concerned about how I was feeling, he asked me if I'm stressed. He said that he thinks he has stressed me out and he doesn't want me upset or stressed out. I told him that I'm not so much stressed as I am confused. He says, "I know. Can we talk when I get back in to town? I want us to talk. I think I've just been under a lot of stress being way out here and working non stop. Can we talk when I get back?" So I told him yes. I also told him that I had just had a big argument with my aunt and he wanted to know what it was about but I didn't go into any detail. He just told me everything will be okay and for me to take some deep breaths and try to relax and not be stressed and that he would be home soon and we will talk. I said okay, he wished me a happy Thanksgiving, I did the same, and we hung up. I haven't heard from him since then, and I have had urges here and there to text him or call, but I won't. I do miss him a lot and just his voice soothes me, but I will NOT call. I will wait.

 

But very shortly after, like a girl, I started to overanalyze the conversation and then I started to freak out. I don't know why he wants to talk if he wants it to be over. I don't need "closure" from him, I provide my own closure. I don't want him to "let me down easy" or "break it to me softly" to make himself feel better or less guilty or something. If its over, I just want it to be done. Blocking me from social media is all the "closure" I need.

 

But I do still want to be with him and I do still care about him and love him. My friends think he wants to talk to fix things not do a "do-over break up". I swear to god, you guys, if he tries to do a "do-over break up" with me because he thinks I need that for some reason. . . I'm cussing his a** out. THAT is a waste of my time.

 

What do you guys think? Why would he open it back up with me after I sent him the text letting him go? Wouldn't he just have said "okay' or said nothing instead of calling me and asking to talk? I'm confused and anxious because I don't need closure and if that's what he's trying to do, I'm gonna be pissed.

Edited December 1, 2016 by BlkVelvet

[Miss Clavel]

dude, he's done. chicken **** done. unfriend his ass and don't speak to him ever again. unless he crawls on his knees up your walk- way with a diamond engagement ring and 3 doz roses. (which actually happened to my sister, they're still married)

 

he doesn't want you to go away mad, if you catch my drift.

 

personally, i think he met someone else. that's why you're blocked.

 

he didn't block you from his phone yet because the new girlfriend hasn't got access to it, yet.

 

good luck

[BC1980]

He's done. 4 months is about the time you are deciding if the relationship is going to be serious or not. That's about the time you are deciding if you want to solidify things or exit stage left. I'd say by 6 months, most people are feeling the need to decide if they really want to commit to something for a longer haul. Now, that's just in general, and, from the outside looking in, it seems like that might be what happened here.

 

When he said he felt trapped, maybe he freaked out at the prospect of things becoming more serious. That was kind of my first thought. I don't think he meant you were trapping him by being pushy. Blocking is the kind of behavior that happens when you emotionally freak out and want the entire situation to disappear. I did something similar to a guy I started casually talking to after my last relationship. When he asked me out, I realized I wasn't ready to date anyone and ghosted on him. I was so freaked out emotionally that I just disappeared on him.

 

I think he is done, and you don't need to put yourself in a position to beg this man to get back together. This man blocked you and gave you no explanation. You had to contact him to give you an explanation, which is not acceptable. He needs to do the work if he wants to work things out, but I don't think he wants to. Another thing to consider is that he met someone else. That explanation explains the blocking, and it would certainly be possible since he has been out of the country.

Edited December 5, 2016 by BC1980

[ainoviere]

BlkVelvet, it appears that he's just not ready for or able to commit to a long term relationship. The red flags just scream off the page (been a long time since a LTR, using work to avoid you etc). The fact is a man who is in love AND serious about committing to a woman will make her one of his priorities, no matter how busy he is.

 

I don't think there's anyone else and I don't think he's being insincere with words. By 'trapped' I think he's saying that the idea of being in a committed relationship makes him feel trapped.

 

If it's any consolation I don't think he was faking his past actions. He sounds like he wanted those things too, and wanted you. But when push comes to shove he just can't do it.

 

Have you ever read up on attachment theory? He sounds like a textbook avoidant.

Edited December 5, 2016 by ainoviere

[BlkVelvet]

BlkVelvet, it appears that he's just not ready for or able to commit to a long term relationship. The red flags just scream off the page (been a long time since a LTR, using work to avoid you etc). The fact is a man who is in love AND serious about committing to a woman will make her one of his priorities, no matter how busy he is.

 

I don't think there's anyone else and I don't think he's being insincere with words. By 'trapped' I think he's saying that the idea of being in a committed relationship makes him feel trapped.

 

If it's any consolation I don't think he was faking his past actions. He sounds like he wanted those things too, and wanted you. But when push comes to shove he just can't do it.

 

Have you ever read up on attachment theory? He sounds like a textbook avoidant.

 

 

I think I completely agree with you. He is a chicken**** and he's referred to himself that way in the past. He told me he always "runs", but he didnt want to run when it came to me. I think he WANTS to be the guy who can be healthy and in a normal relationship, but he just can't do it.

 

I don't think there's anyone else at all. He's not out of the country, he's out of state. He is freelance so he works a lot because he's trying to make the Union and he needs the hours. He's always worked as much as he was able to get jobs so his working was not "avoiding" in this case. Like I said, he added me to his calendar so I could see everything and he constantly called and texted whenever he had a free moment at work, even facetiming me every day at work, introducing me to coworkers, supervisors, etc. Nah. . .no one else in THIS particular case.

 

Either way, if you walk away from me, you're done. Im good. I don't even really want him anymore, tbh. He damaged our relationship. His loss, BIG TIME. I'm cool. I wasn't really "inlove" anyway. I did like him a lot, and wanted it to grow because, at my age, I just thought he'd be a good catch and it was refreshing to be with someone who seemed to have his s*** together and wanted to settle down.

 

I haven't read up on attachment theory but I will, thanks.

 

Anyway, thanks for all of you guys's replies.

Edited December 6, 2016 by BlkVelvet

[VeveCakes]

 

Have you ever read up on attachment theory? He sounds like a textbook avoidant.

 

This x1000. Classic avoidant.

 

My ex was the same. Best boyfriend ever. Constant talk of how amazing our relationship was and how much he loved me etc etc then he had a stressful time his parents divorced and he was building a house. He just POOFED. Ghosted. I made the mistake of chasing him for months. He would come back and hen leave like every other week. It dragged on for 3 months and was painful as hell. Never again.

 

He blocked you. What is he 13? I don't think another woman at all. I think he is classic avoidant and no matter how bad he wants to be with you he physically can't because of his attachment style. I'm sorry this happened OP. Read the book to learn how to avoid these types in the future.

[BlkVelvet]

This x1000. Classic avoidant.

 

My ex was the same. Best boyfriend ever. Constant talk of how amazing our relationship was and how much he loved me etc etc then he had a stressful time his parents divorced and he was building a house. He just POOFED. Ghosted. I made the mistake of chasing him for months. He would come back and hen leave like every other week. It dragged on for 3 months and was painful as hell. Never again.

 

He blocked you. What is he 13? I don't think another woman at all. I think he is classic avoidant and no matter how bad he wants to be with you he physically can't because of his attachment style. I'm sorry this happened OP. Read the book to learn how to avoid these types in the future.

 

I googled avoidant attachment style and man are you two right on the money. It's really sad too, because he could be an AWESOME husband if he could work this out. Oh, well. Nothing I can do about it and I'm sure as hell not gonna chase. I have no energy nor patience for that. So disappointing, though. He was such a GOOD boyfriend, too. All my friends were jealous, lol.

 

What is the name of the book I should get? And should I talk to him if/when he calls?

 

P.S. Get this. He also told me that he would be with women who were "messed up" in some way because in the back of his mind, he knew he had an "out". Hey, its okay if I leave. They're CRAAAAAZY. Lol. Wow. What a nutjob. Smh.

Edited December 6, 2016 by BlkVelvet

[ainoviere]

The book is Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller, but there's lot of other material out there.

 

I would recommend Coach Craig Kenneth's videos on YouTube, particularly those which relate to attachment styles.

 

As for whether to talk to to him if/when he calls, no one can answer that but you. I think the smart decision would be to ignore him, but then that's easier said that done. We're not taps who can turn off feelings overnight.

 

I think it's useful to remind yourself the reason why you date and explore relationships, and then ask yourself if a man who blocks you, runs away at the first sign of trouble and is fine to stay away for days/weeks with no consideration on how his behaviour may be making you anxious and stressed is someone you want to invest in and build a future with.

[BlkVelvet]

The book is Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller, but there's lot of other material out there.

 

I would recommend Coach Craig Kenneth's videos on YouTube, particularly those which relate to attachment styles.

 

As for whether to talk to to him if/when he calls, no one can answer that but you. I think the smart decision would be to ignore him, but then that's easier said that done. We're not taps who can turn off feelings overnight.

 

I think it's useful to remind yourself the reason why you date and explore relationships, and then ask yourself if a man who blocks you, runs away at the first sign of trouble and is fine to stay away for days/weeks with no consideration on how his behaviour may be making you anxious and stressed is someone you want to invest in and build a future with.

 

 

This is EXACTLY what I have been considering for a while now and, honestly, I dont really see the point in entertaining ANYONE, man or woman, who would be that selfish and callous. The trust is gone for me. I'm just about over it so at this point, I don't really want nor need to speak to him. He made his choice; now he gets to live to regret it.

 

I know what I want, and a weak little ***** definitely ain't it. NEXT.

 

Also, he was right from the beginning. I AM out of his league. Jerk.

 

Where are all the NORMAL people??

Edited December 7, 2016 by BlkVelvet

[Stercrazy]

He sounds very immature. I wouldn't meet up with him. No value to it.

[ainoviere]

BlkVelvet, did he end up contacting you in the end?

 

I'm curious because I went through a similar experience myself, a few months ago. I never had a proper end either, he just said he needed time and hung up on me (after I finally managed to get him on the phone - he didn't even have the guts to meet me in person). No idea what I did wrong. Nothing since. I never bothered reaching out first because he was the one who broke it.

 

Curious if these people ever feel remorse or guilt about disappearing and if they ever end up coming back, even if it's just to apologise.

Edited December 14, 2016 by ainoviere

[BlkVelvet]

BlkVelvet, did he end up contacting you in the end?

 

I'm curious because I went through a similar experience myself, a few months ago. I never had a proper end either, he just said he needed time and hung up on me (after I finally managed to get him on the phone - he didn't even have the guts to meet me in person). No idea what I did wrong. Nothing since. I never bothered reaching out first because he was the one who broke it.

 

Curious if these people ever feel remorse or guilt about disappearing and if they ever end up coming back, even if it's just to apologise.

 

No ma'am. As far as I know, from ya know, when I was "in the loop", is that he was supposed to fly back home on the 8th of Dec. I don't know whether he did or didn't because I haven't heard a peep out of him yet. I probably will eventually, but it will be too late to even matter. Im full NC and Im gonna stay that way.

 

I just cant seem to shake my deep disappointment, though. This is week 3 - 21 days of NC - but it seems the more times moves on, the sadder I get about the whole thing. I don't know if its my ego, or humiliation, or actually missing HIM, himself, but I just have a deep sadness within me. He keeps popping in my head so much lately that I kept wakibg up on and off all night last night. I just feel. . .cheated. That's what it is. This feeling is familiar. I had a fiance pass away suddenly a month before our wedding 9 years ago. It was excrutiating and I had an overwhelming sence of being cheated out of the life I was supposed to have.

 

This feels like that. Not the excruciating part, this is a cake walk compared to the love of my life DYING, but the nagging feeling of having something right there in my hand only for it to slip away over night is prominent. Sigh. It just sucks. It really sucks.

 

Anyway, I've been reading "Attached" and it is EXCELLENT. I see him so clearly. And he isn't just avoidant, he's ANXIOUS-avoidant. I'm secure and I think we could have made it work if he hadn't been so reactionary and impulsive, AND if I had had this book beforehand.

 

I'm really sorry you have gone through this, too. It is really not fun at all. Its confusing because you DON'T KNOW WHAT THE **** YOU DID, and its just such an annoying cliff-hanger. I also wonder if he's over there thinking of me, missing me, and regretting his actions -- even if he doesn't want to take steps to try to fix things. I mean, its like, ate you even human?

 

I DO believe he fell for me. A man doesn't invest the way he did and not have. And, knowing him, he blocked me for himself. HE doesn't want to see MY life on FB -- not the other way around. He buries himself in work and hides from emotional connections. I feel kind of sad for him, too. Im sad for us both.

[BlkVelvet]

So, today was a bit of a struggle. I wanted to reach out to him so badly. I just miss him because he was REALY good to me and sold me an AMAZING dream about the "wonderful life we will have together". I thought I had FINALLY met someone to share my life with. I mean, we're in our 40's. We should be sure of ourselves and know what we want, right?

 

It's hard to believe he meant none of it (I believe he meant every bit of it when he said it -- over and over and over again), part of me wants that dream back. it doesn't help that he never treated me badly. He treated me like the best thing since sliced bread up until the MOMENT he gave up.

 

I stayed strong, though, and didn't call or text. but I can't say that I won't

eventually. One day at a time.

 

Ugh. I hate this.

Edited December 19, 2016 by BlkVelvet

[VeveCakes]

Good for you.

 

Keep it up, contacting him will get you no where but hurt.

 

Stay strong.

[ainoviere]

I've been feeling the same. Maybe it's because of the festive season - you feel lonely so you want to reach out them. But then I think the most it will do is temporarily soothe me, after which I'll be back at square one.

[BlkVelvet]

I've been feeling the same. Maybe it's because of the festive season - you feel lonely so you want to reach out them. But then I think the most it will do is temporarily soothe me, after which I'll be back at square one.

 

 

Well, I did reach out. Left a message because Im not going to keep calling. I said my piece and that was that. I don't feel bad about it, either. I am way too old for games and so is he. It actually relieved the pressure I was feeling, so I'm fine.

 

Basically, if he does want to reach out in the near future, he now knows he can.

 

I've done all I can do, short of begging, which I draw the line at. So I guess its time to accept the unacceptable. It just blows my mind how someone can be so consistently devoted to you one day, and act like you dont exist the next. Blows my mind. I could never do that to someone. The time we spent together was one of the happiest, contented, and most loving times I've had with a man. I dont understand why he felt the need to immediately block me. It was an impulsive, knee-jerk, temper-tantrum reaction to a silly argument. Ridiculous. It just feels mean and its quite unnecessary, very annoying and immature. I deactivated my profile soon after because, frankly, Im sick of FB and the ways in which people use it as some sort of weapon. Im happier without it.

 

But we are not children and have known each other and been FB friends for many years. So Its pretty disturbing when I think about it. I have done NOTHING to this man.

 

Anyway, hang in there, ladies and thanks for the feedback.

Edited December 22, 2016 by BlkVelvet

[BlkVelvet]

Yep. He called me last night. I saw his number (I deleted him but we talked so much of course I know his number by heart) and I was really caught off guard. I hesitated to answer but Im healing nicely now and, hey, I was curious.

 

Anyway, we talked for 2 hours, and I ended the call. I kept trying to end it but he kept keeping me on the phone. The call was interesting to say the least. He did say, among other things, that he "bit off more than he could chew". He said that he meant all of his words and actions and wanted to give me all of the things I want because Im an amazing woman and I deserve all of that. He said that when I told him that I dont casually date and that I wasnt gonna just date him and be his girlfriend forever, he panicked and thought that if he didnt offer me that kind of relationship IMMEDIATELY that I was gonna leave him. So he moved too fast. I told him that he never had to do this and that HE put pressure on himself. He assumed too much and he should have just TALKED to me about how he was feeling. I told him that the fact he felt he had to rush was all in his own head. He agreed. But yes, folks, this guy's got commitment issues. I told him this, he agreed and said he thinks he needs help. Whether he'll get it, however, is not my problem anymore.

 

We discussed our last interaction/argument in detail, he expressed how he saw things and I did the same. We gave eachother clarity and insight and communicated healthfully. He said he thinks about me all the time and that he dreamed about me the night before. Interestingly enough, I did the same on the same night.

 

He told me that he had been speaking to my aunt (loooong terrible story there) and I was LIVID. My aunt is basically a backstabbing b****. He also told me that he discussed "us" with a friend and his wife and they encouraged him to just call me and communicate.

 

He flirted a little bit, just enough but not too much, and I told him in his dreams and we had a chuckle. We teased / ribbed eachother like old times and it was very comfortable. I eventually told him that although initially I was hurt and confused, that I was fine, moving forward and making plans for 2017, i.e. a trip to Tuscany. I also told him that I respect him, I always have, and therefore I respect whatever decision he feels is best for him. I don't necessarily agree with you, I said, but I respect it.

 

I told him to hit me up if he wants to get a drink sometime, he said okay, he said he enjoyed talking with me and I said the same. We said talk to you later and that was it.

 

I didnt even realize we had been on the phone for 2 hours. Whenever we talk, the time just flies.

 

So, yeah. He said some other stuff too. Oh yes, he said that I told him that I "walk away". I said well yeah, I walk away if someone is rejecting me. What else am I supposed to do? I told him, Listen, I called you once, left a message, and you didnt call me back. I wasn't going to keep calling you, chasing you, begging you. Your fingers work, you know my number, and you know how to find me if you want me. Just like you found me now.

 

Smh. . .MEN.

Edited January 4, 2017 by BlkVelvet

[BlkVelvet]

Soooo. . .nothin'??

[VeveCakes]

How do you feel?

[BlkVelvet]

How do you feel?

 

Honestly, I'm not sure.

[BlkVelvet]

I don't know why he would stay on the phone with me for 2 hours OR get advice from a married couple. He seemed to still have feelings for me, tho. But I guess only time will tell.

 

What do you think?

[BC1980]

I don't know why he would stay on the phone with me for 2 hours OR get advice from a married couple. He seemed to still have feelings for me, tho. But I guess only time will tell.

 

What do you think?

 

I think he might still have feelings for you, but I'd be very wary. His treatment of you was unacceptable. He disappeared, and you basically had to hunt him down for an explanation. Then, he calls you, and you answer him and talk for 2 hours. Did he ever apologize? He honestly didn't even deserve you answering the phone. Feeling trapped and "biting off more then he could chew" are poor excuses for his behavior. Did you call him on his behavior on the phone? I was confused about that aspect of it.

 

I wouldn't entertain this guy anymore. I think he will just play around with you and hurt you again. I don't see any indication that he is wanting a relationship with you. It sounds like he just called to feel you out and for curiosity's sake. Unless he apologized, and I missed that part.

[kidm]

I don't know why he would stay on the phone with me for 2 hours OR get advice from a married couple. He seemed to still have feelings for me, tho. But I guess only time will tell.

 

What do you think?

 

So basically he treated you like crap and you rewarded his behavior on his terms with a two hour phone conversation and some flirting. He must feel like a king while you are left wondering....yet again. Once again, the ball seems to be in his court and you're waiting to be picked (or it seems like that's the case).

[KatZee]

Emotionally unavailable.

 

He fits the traits. He actually sounds exactly like the last guy I dated. Even down to the line where he said he feels "trapped." My guy said that he felt like he was in a cage. Same thing. Mine also said things like: I thought I was ready and could do this, I was wrong. Mine has also been single for close to 10 years as well (this is a HUGE tell for unavailable people-- if he's been single for a decade, don't delude yourself in thinking you're gonna magically be the one to change him. You won't. You can't).

 

I think you'll find these books really helpful in understanding men like this, and maybe a little about yourself as to why you stayed so long, and continue to want to be with someone like this:

 

1. The Commitment Phobe, It's Not You, It's HIM

2. Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

 

Both can be found on Amazon.

 

He did a typical Mr. Unavailable move. He felt trapped, and he flipped the script, and started a fight to make YOU out to be the bad one. It takes the pressure off himself. These people also start digging for flaws once they get close to someone, so this is why he sabotaged the relationship.

 

Cut and run is typical unavailable behavior.

 

I wouldn't pursue this any further. There is a very deep fear that lives in unavailable people even if they don't consciously acknowledge it. It's nothing you can fix, or change. HE needs to want to change, and it takes some individual therapy to dig deep and figure out where these fears came from.

 

Don't let him keep his foot in the door either. This is also typical commitment phobe behavior. They can't commit to leaving, they can't commit to staying. You'll have a push/pull relationship, him running, you pursuing, him ghosting a week, a month, a few months, and then poof, they're back. And then the whole cycle is going to start all over again.

 

Save yourself and read the books, and realize there is nothing you can do. I wouldn't be flattered that he came back. This is typical. What's going to happen is that you're going to entertain it, you're gonna get close, intimate and he's going to get that FEAR again and he's going to run and you're going to be back at square one.

 

I stupidly entertained the last guy that did this. He pulled this stunt once, and came back. He said he had a lot of issues that he needed to get a hold of, and fixed. He said he did fix them. We went through the whole song and dance, and boom. To a T the same thing happened again. My guy even apologized. Like CRAZY. He gave me the worlds best heartfelt apology. That is the ONLY reason I decided to give him a second chance. Unless these guys get into therapy, even apologies mean nothing. They might mean it at the time, but their subconscious fear is what runs the show here. An apology is in no way any indication that he's not capable of doing it again, I can almost guarantee you 99.9% he will do it again.

Edited January 5, 2017 by KatZee

[ainoviere]

I don't know why he would stay on the phone with me for 2 hours OR get advice from a married couple. He seemed to still have feelings for me, tho. But I guess only time will tell.

 

What do you think?

Interesting to know he did end up calling you after all (albeit weeks later!).

 

Since you’ve asked for our thoughts, my take is that you say you’ve moved on and maybe in your head you’ve reached this logical conclusion, but from your post you appear to still feel something for this man. That’s why you entertained him for almost two hours and even engaged in some light flirting. If you had truly moved on you would have ignored his call or at the most have been pithy with him. Hey I get it, you shared some happy times so it’s taking time to detach.

 

I echo BC1980’s views that it’s not clear whether he apologised. But either way, does it matter? He admits that his faults caused the downfall of the relationship but he’s not taking responsibility for his actions or committing he’ll change etc etc. If anything, his remark that you walk away sounds like he’s deflecting blame on you.

 

Attraction and common interests are not enough to sustain a relationship. By all means keep him as friend if you enjoy his company, but assuming you are seeking a relationship and if you want to avoid further heartache I suggest you keep things platonic. And if you can’t trust yourself to do that it would be best to stay away in the meantime.