I feel guilty for what I've done

[KB090909]

Hello to whoever is reading this,

 

I am brand new to this site, and I have to be honest but I'm a little apprehensive about asking 'strangers' for relationship advice. I have spoken to my family/friends about my dilemma, and received plenty of advice as to what I "should" do, but still I feel lost and decided that maybe some additional advice wouldn't hurt - so here goes ...

 

I am about 2 weeks into my break-up with my boyfriend. Like many, I am having an EXTREMELY hard time coping with it all. Our relationship has been less than perfect, but I really felt that in a way we were meant to be together. We started dating last year in September, and things were going great. After a month of dating, I found out that I was pregnant. We both were shocked, but decided that we were going to make things work and keep the baby. Three weeks later I suffered a miscarriage, and all hell broke loose. I was having a difficult time coming to terms with the loss of the baby, and we found ourselves on edge and constantly fighting. After one particularly difficult night, he broke up with me and "ghosted" without an explanation. Needless to say, I was devastated.

 

Fast forward 5 months later, I received a call from him out the blue. I was debating on whether or not to call him back, but finally decided to see what he wanted. He told me that he was so sorry for disappearing and that he still had feelings for me. He explained that he took the miscarriage extremely hard, and he didn't know how to deal with his feelings - hence why he "ghosted". He asked if we could meet to talk about things, but I explained I needed some time. We chatted on the phone for a few weeks and I finally agreed to meet him for dinner one night. Long story short, we ended up getting back together.

 

Over the last 8 months, we re-established our feelings for each other. We had plenty of good times, and even discussed me moving in and getting engaged around the holiday. However, we also had plenty of bad times as well. We would constantly fight about stupid little things, and it seemed that I was always the one being blamed. His parents would get involved during our fights and made it quite clear that they did not like the idea that I was dating their son. Things would spiral out of control, and he would break up with me for a few days until one of us would call the other one and apologize. This was a pattern - every few months we would have a blow-out, break up and get back together (4 times to be exact).

 

Our last fight was the worst yet, and I feel that this probably ended the relationship for good. I was off from school, and decided to spend the day with him. We were bickering all day (again, over petty little things), and just getting on each other's nerves. He finally blurted out that he couldn't take it anymore, that I was a miserable person and acting like a "b*tch". I broke down, and tried to apologize but he ended up kicking me out of his house telling me he needed time to think if he wanted to continue with the relationship. As I was driving home, I tried to call him several times but he wouldn't pick up his phone. He was having poker night at his house that night with some friends/family - and again, I tried to call him knowing that he would be home. This time his uncle picked up his phone telling me that he didn't want to talk to me. I was so angry/hurt/embarrassed that he was involving his family members in our business. I decided that I was going to go to his house and pick up my stuff that I left there. My father took a ride with me because he didn't want me to take that car ride alone being all upset. When we got to his house, he wouldn't answer the door and told us to "go away". My father advised me to just call the police since he wouldn't willingly give me back my belongings. The police got involved, I got my stuff back and I drove home with my father.

 

At first I felt okay, and that I did the right thing - but as the days go by I am filled with complete remorse. My boyfriend has since restricted my phone number and I am not able to reach him. I feel so lost - I know that we didn't have a super healthy relationship, but the fact of the matter is I still love him very much. I can't imagine my life without him, and the mere thought of him with someone else literally makes me nauseous. Everyone is telling me I should be counting my lucky stars that I am out of that emotionally abusive relationship - but at the same time I feel like I'm going to die (sorry to be so dramatic - but that's exactly how I feel). I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't breathe, I can't focus in school, I can't sit still without the thoughts running through my brain. I can't help but feel guilty for what happened - maybe I overreacted by calling the police. I know he probably didn't mean what he said earlier in the day (he was just mad), and due to my actions - I've lost him forever. I debate every night whether or not to drive to his house in hopes that he'll talk to me. I know he'll refuse to see me and possibly call the police on me this time, but I feel like I need to do something. I feel that every day we go without talking, I'm one step closer to losing any chance of a possible reconciliation. My head is constantly filled with "what-ifs" and "should-haves" - I feel like I'm going crazy!

 

So the question is - what do I do? Numerous friends/family members suggested that I give him some space and allow him to cool down - but my feeling is, if he went to length to not just block my number but actually restrict it - will he ever get to a point where he forgives me ... or will he hate me forever? Do I give him time to cool off and try to contact him in a month, or 2 or 3? Should I try to see him and take my chances? Should I get a lobotomy and try to forget?? I just don't know! I'm not ready to let go and move on - I want him back so bad. I can't come to terms as to why God would bring us together after 5 months apart just for everything to turn to sh*t (pardon my French). This whole situation just sucks, and I don't know how I should handle it. How do you let go of someone you love with all your heart? Shouldn't you fight for what you love?

 

God bless you for reading this ridiculously long post! Any feedback/advice given is greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance.

[Toodaloo]

It hurts like hell but fact is that you two should not be together. You are not good together.

 

Stay away from him and concentrate on doing all the things you do to heal your heart.

 

1. Eat properly

2. Get involved in sports and activities

3. Keep up with friends and family

4. Educate yourself in some way or learn new things

5. Join new clubs etc

6. Paint your nails, get your hair done etc...

 

Keep doing that and stay away from him and you will soon heal.

[confusedgirlfriend11]

I'm sorry but he is not your boyfriend anymore and for a good reason.

 

 

You were both making each other miserable! It sounds like a really toxic relationship and he's finally had enough.

 

 

As soon as someone makes the decision to end a relationship, then that's it. You can not change his mind.

 

 

Keep yourself busy and move on with your life.