How to resist triggering places/events...

[dreamyCat]

My ex broke up with me about a month ago. I am from a foreign country and only came to the States for college, while he has lived in NYC his entire life. I used to visit him there during every school break (we also go to the same college). To be honest, the relationship was quite toxic and I think it's a good idea to end it. But so much of my attachment to this country and this culture is formed by him. I also know all his family, which makes me feel like I have a home in this foreign place. But now all of that is gone. I have to go to NYC for a few days before going home, but I don't think I can stand it. Every street and store would remind me of him and make me miserable. But I know I can't avoid there forever. What should I do? How can I avoid triggering memories? It's especially hard there because I've only been to NYC with him so I don't have any other memories there... I think I can go to other places in the States by myself without being too depressed but not NYC...

[jen1447]

If this has been a particularly hard breakup, I'd avoid going to NYC at all, or if you do, don't go to the places you were with him.

 

The way this stuff usually works IME is that if you're still in crisis mode from the BU, shared places can trigger an extremely unpleasant reaction, almost like a PTSD type thing. But after you've recovered, going to them is actually really anti-climactic and you see they're just places w/out the humanity infused that made them what they used to be. So while heartbroken - extremely powerful, when no longer heartbroken - virtually powerless. There's little middle ground.

 

(I've tried visiting shared places way after the fact just to see if there's anything left there and I always came away just thinking "what the hell am I doing here?" and leaving unceremoniously. But when you're still in the middle of it they can be really toxic.)