Girlfriend finished with me.

[nova2016v]

Ok, I'm feeling very confused right now. Basically I met a woman on a dating site, started dating and there was an immediate attraction between us and we got on very well too. 1 month into the relationship everything was going really well, having amazing sex, both of us saying nice things to each other, both of us couldn't wait to see each other next, texting all day every day, texting each other counting down the hours when we see each other next, both of us said we were falling in love. And I could tell she meant it, I could see and feel it.*

 

So about 5 weeks in and I meet her parents on a Friday afternoon for lunch, all seemed to go well and when I left her Friday evening everything seemed great. Spent all day Sunday with her, had a nice day out having lunch, shopping, dinner back at hers, watched a film and then went to bed. We started kissing and stuff and she said she wasn't in the mood for sex so I said ok no problem, is there something bothering you? To which she replied I think I need some head space to get some stuff out of my mind, we aren't splitting up I just need time to get it out of my head, I don't want to be in a bad mood around you.

 

She basically said there was stuff bothering her from my previous relationship (the mother of my children which I split up with 18 months ago), the fact that I left a previous girlfriend to get back together with the ex, which was about 5 years ago now under. I explained that was a long time ago and would never do that now, things were completely different back then. And a lot of bad stuff has happened since then between me and the ex. I thought I'd put her mind at rest and I left as she wanted some space to think and she said I'd see her on Wednesday like normal.*

*

So we were texting a bit the next couple of days, normal chit chat plus me trying to make her understand that I'd never go back to the ex and telling her the way I felt about her (not the ex). Agreed to meet up on Wednesday night and then I get a text message Wednesday lunch time saying I'm really sorry and I've thought long and hard about this but I can't see it working and I'm not ready for a relationship, I thought I was but I'm not, take care and sorry.*

*

I of course did the natural reaction and asked to see her later so we can talk about this rather than on a text message and she said she's made her mind up sorry. That night I went round to see her, knocked on her door but she wouldn't answer and she wouldn't answer her phone either. I Text her the next day and said sorry for just turning up but *all I wanted to do was just talk to her and she just said there's no point I've made up mind.*

*

Now to me none of this adds up, how can it go from being so good to nothing pretty much overnight? Why did I do the meet the parents thing on the Friday (her idea by the way) and then Sunday I get that. Meeting the parents means it's a serious relationship right?*

It's like she's flicked a switch and turned off her feelings for me just like that. I know we didn't know each other very long but I'm not stupid, I know when someone feels the same, we just clicked, we were a perfect fit together.*

*

If it was just sex and nothing else I could understand and forget her but we felt very right being together, she told me she loved me and thought I was amazing the last time we saw each other.*

*

Very confused, hurt, gutted and frustrated right now!*I don't want to just forget about her as I feel like i need some kind of explanation and we were so good together.

 

The other thing I should mention is she split up with her ex in August, it was a 6 year relationship but not a very good one, he moved out about 2 years ago and since then it was on and off all of the time and this time she said she'd had enough and wanted to move forward. A few weeks ago he found out that she was in a relationship and was emailing her asking her back, telling her she loves him and all that. She was very open with me telling me everything and there's no way she would go back to him. I dont think this has anything to do with it but I'd thought I'd mention it. *

*

I haven't had any contact with her since Thursday, I thought I'd leave it awhile but not sure how to play this one from here?

 

 

Thanks

[Frozensushi]

Now to me none of this adds up, how can it go from being so good to nothing pretty much overnight?

 

It didn't. It just feels that way, but I'm sure there were signs you just failed to see because you're in the honeymoon phase. You guys seem to be moving awfully fast.

 

Unless you did something really bad to turn her completely off from you, she's been struggling with this decision for a while. She was with her Ex for 6 years, that's a long time. She really might not be ready for a new relationship. You guys are definitely in rebound territory, plus she knows about your past relationships which isn't sitting well with her.

 

She does have a lot of history with her Ex, and now he's back in the picture, super jealous and playing at her heart strings. She's probably really confused and emotional.

 

You should respect her wishes and go NC. Contacting her will only ruin your chances.

[nova2016v]

It didn't. It just feels that way, but I'm sure there were signs you just failed to see because you're in the honeymoon phase. You guys seem to be moving awfully fast.

 

Unless you did something really bad to turn her completely off from you, she's been struggling with this decision for a while. She was with her Ex for 6 years, that's a long time. She really might not be ready for a new relationship. You guys are definitely in rebound territory, plus she knows about your past relationships which isn't sitting well with her.

 

She does have a lot of history with her Ex, and now he's back in the picture, super jealous and playing at her heart strings. She's probably really confused and emotional.

 

You should respect her wishes and go NC. Contacting her will only ruin your chances.

 

It was moving fast but I did ask her a couple of times to make sure that I wasn't being too full on, she come back saying no, why do you ask that, I love it.

You know that feeling when it feels right, I could see it in her eyes when I look at her that she wanted this as much as me. And by the way she kept sighing with happiness every time we kissed, she was doing that on the day she went funny on me.

And why the hell did I meet the parents 2 days earlier, surely that only happens if you're in a serious relationship? I just find it all a bit weird.

 

I know what you mean about her ex but she did say that it was well and truly over, she told me some stuff that he use to do her and her kids and I still totally believe that she didn't want to go back to that. Or do you think its more that she just needs to be single for awhile without any stress or worry?

 

She did tell me that she had Crohns disease but she's been ok for about 6 years now without any flare ups, I dont know that much about the disease but I do know that stress can set it off. Not that I was giving her any stress though, may be she was thinking ahead?

 

I've got 2 boys and so does she, so may be she was wondering how it would all work in the future. Trouble is I dont know the answers to this stuff as I never got a proper explanation, I'm just guessing. Thats part of whats doing my head in!

 

So how long do I do the NC thing? And then what happens, try contacting her somehow?

[Satu]

snip

 

The other thing I should mention is *she split up with her ex in August, it was a 6 year relationship but not a very good one, he moved out about 2 years ago and since then it was on and off all of the time and this time she said she'd had enough and wanted to move forward. A few weeks ago he found out that she was in a relationship and was emailing her asking her back, telling her she loves him and all that. She was very open with me telling me everything and there's no way she would go back to him. *I dont think this has anything to do with it but I'd thought I'd mention it.

 

 

Thanks

 

*It has everything to do with it.

 

She's not resolved her issues related to her last relationship.

 

Here's a clipping from my journal:

 

 

"Never begin a new relationship until you've fully moved on from the one before.

 

Also never begin a new relationship with someone who hasn't fully moved on from their one before.

 

By 'moved on,' I mean any necessary grieving done, not preoccupied with the ex, enjoying life, feeling good about yourself, and optimistic about the future.

 

The best way to move on is to decide to be single for a while; not dating, not hooking up, no fwb.

 

'Get back on the horse' is sound advice, but its best to let the cuts and bruises heal before you do."

 

Take care.

[Frozensushi]

You know that feeling when it feels right, I could see it in her eyes when I look at her that she wanted this as much as me. And by the way she kept sighing with happiness every time we kissed, she was doing that on the day she went funny on me.

 

The honeymoon phase can be like that. My Ex did the exact same thing. In the first few months every time I said something sweet or kissed her, she would sigh and tell me how happy she was. Once the honeymoon period wore off, she was never the same and doubt started to roll in. It's an infatuation, a maelstrom of emotions, that's why it was moving so fast. She was swept off her feet, she wanted to tell the world from the highest peak how in love she was.

 

Perhaps after she introduced you to her parents, reality set in and she realized that she was nowhere near ready for a committed relationship.

 

So how long do I do the NC thing? And then what happens, try contacting her somehow?

 

You have to be a man and just move on. You do not contact her at all. She told you she doesn't want the relationship, right? Then take it for what it is. It's over, just walk away and never look back. She may contact you. She may not, but you have to let her go. NC will make her miss you if she truly loves you she will fight for you. Begging, pleading, and annoying her will only re-enforce that she made the right decision and drive her away further.

 

I know you want closure but sometimes were not given that luxury. It's hurtful and confusing, but you have to just take your losses and move on. I'm really sorry. A lot of us here on Loveshack have recently been through the pain you are dealing with. It will get better, I promise!

[nova2016v]

The honeymoon phase can be like that. My Ex did the exact same thing. In the first few months every time I said something sweet or kissed her, she would sigh and tell me how happy she was. Once the honeymoon period wore off, she was never the same and doubt started to roll in. It's an infatuation, a maelstrom of emotions, that's why it was moving so fast. She was swept off her feet, she wanted to tell the world from the highest peak how in love she was.

 

Perhaps after she introduced you to her parents, reality set in and she realized that she was nowhere near ready for a committed relationship.

 

You have to be a man and just move on. You do not contact her at all. She told you she doesn't want the relationship, right? Then take it for what it is. It's over, just walk away and never look back. She may contact you. She may not, but you have to let her go. NC will make her miss you if she truly loves you she will fight for you. Begging, pleading, and annoying her will only re-enforce that she made the right decision and drive her away further.

 

I know you want closure but sometimes were not given that luxury. It's hurtful and confusing, but you have to just take your losses and move on. I'm really sorry. A lot of us here on Loveshack have recently been through the pain you are dealing with. It will get better, I promise!

 

Or her parents really didn't like me and that gave her some doubts. I dont know, it just doesn't add up to me, I'm baffled by it, its not normal for someone to introduce you to the parents and then 2 days later this happens. Especially when nothing bad happened between us, if we had a big argument or something then fine but it was all good.

 

I was thinking of giving her some NC treatment and then texting her in a few weeks just saying hi, how are you, blah blah blah, no begging or anything about relationship stuff. What have I got to lose?

[Buddhist]

Honestly? who knows. It could be something totally innocuous that you said which triggered something in her and that's it, she's out of there. In cases like these there is really no way to tell. All you can really know is what you do know, she's gone and it's unlikely she'll return.

 

I know you want closure and some kind of explanation. I suppose you can always leave it a week and try texting her to get one, if you like. There is really no guarantee though that she isn't going to spin you a line and leave you more confused than ever. Or worse, hopeful that there is some kind of open door on this when there isn't.

 

Best thing to do is get your own closure, tell yourself whatever that sounds concrete and convincing and decide that this is it. Be done with it and move on. Sorry that this is your experience, it sucks.

[Frozensushi]

Best thing to do is get your own closure, tell yourself whatever that sounds concrete and convincing and decide that this is it. Be done with it and move on. Sorry that this is your experience, it sucks.

 

^ Really this is the best way to go. I mean, if she said she needed space, that would be different. She told you in the most direct manner she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.

 

You made every attempt to speak with her in person, still, she didn't want to talk to you. Whatever the reason for her big change of heart, it seems final. It's unimaginable for this to be happening, but unfortunately, it's real. There's nothing you can do or say that will change her mind. Indeed it sucks!

[nova2016v]

I just don't get how it changed from everything going right to this so quickly, and the fact she cant or wont even speak to me, I find it all a bit weird really.

 

I've had this similar sort of treatment in the past though, and that was her putting up a guard to stop herself from seeing me, probably because she knows what would happen if we were to see each other.

 

May be she is genuinely feeling like she needs to be single for awhile and give it a few weeks she might feel differently. I cant live in hope though like you say, limbo land is not a good place to be.

 

My brain is telling me to do something about this though! I feel like I shouldn't just be letting this go, very frustrating.

 

Thanks for all your help so far.

[Survivor12]

Frankly, it sounds like a classic case of rebounding. Often, when someone is suffering the loss of a relationship, they will quickly enter into another relationship to satisfy their need to feel "connected", overcome damage to their ego & lessen the pain. In the moment, they can relive feelings for their ex and past relationship by transferring them to the rebound without even knowing it is happening. Eventually, though, when they do realize it, their true feelings about their rebound surface.

 

It is possible that the visit with her parents caused her to face that she was actually missing her ex & that replacing him with you just wasn't working. It is possible that she is as confused as you--that she actually THOUGHT that her feelings for you were genuine--until she didn't. Her feelings for you didn't change overnight; she just realized that she didn't feel what she wanted to feel.

 

As others have advised, you will be much better off by letting her go & dealing with the loss. Trying to hang on will only prolong your pain & disapointment. I would also advise that you sever all ties (complete NC) to avoid subjecting yourself to becoming "the back burner guy" the next time she's hurting & looking for consolation.

 

You deserve better than that.