Do I still have a chance with my first love?

[lostboyfriend]

She is 18, I am 20. We were each others first everything.

 

I will try to keep this short but there is a fair bit to explain and give you some context about the relationship.

 

A long story short if you would not like to read the long backstory below - My ex broke up with me as she thinks I kissed another girl on a night out. She confronted the girl (as she is known to us both) and the girl said that yes we did kiss. However, I know for sure I did not kiss her. This girl randomly came up to me in a club and tried kissing me, I did not kiss her back, she even asked why I wouldn't kiss her and told her I was seeing someone.

 

How / can , I convince my ex to believe my side of the story?

 

We had been in a relationship for 3 years, since meeting at school. It was such a great loving relationship. Amazing memories and experiences, family holidays etc. with only 1 argument through the entire time, we both got on very well with each others families, and I am heartbroken that it is over. We were together so long and from such a young age, I feel like I have lost part of who I am. My closest friend.

 

The one argument was at the start of our relationship over a friend of mine who happened to be a girl, lets call her G. I had been friends with G for a few years before meeting my girlfriend. Once I got together with my girlfriend, G told me that she had feelings for me and this understandably made my girlfriend feel very insecure. I then cut G out of my life for the sake of my relationship. Everything was fine from then on.

 

That was until mid way through this September when my girlfriend heard through a friend that on a night out at a club a girl had come on to me. This girl did come onto me and plant a kiss on me, but I did not kiss her back, she even asked me why I wouldn’t kiss her and I told her that I was seeing someone. (Why would I want to cheat on my first love in a nightclub, especially with an unattractive girl?!)

 

I understand I was wrong not to tell my ex at the time, but I didn’t want to upset her over something I saw as nothing. Anyway, after hearing this my ex came to my house very upset and crying, she then broke up with me. She contacted the girl from the club (as she knows her from the local area) and this girl told her that we did kiss but that was it. Now, I swear on my life I did not kiss her, so I have no idea why she is saying we did. My ex was very angry and upset after hearing this and sent me a lot of abusive texts and voice messages.

 

After receiving these I sent her a long text explaining that I would never do that to her etc. I entered 2 and a half weeks of no contact, she tried to call me a lot during this time but I didn’t answer, and she occasionally text but it was still abusive. After around 3 weeks/beginning of October, I decided to drive to her house one night to speak to her.

 

To my surprise she came out to see me. I had written a small note to her apologising for upsetting her. Things went much better than I had anticipated - We hugged, she was crying a lot (which made me cry), she said the no contact had really upset her and she would've preferred me to come to her house straight after the breakup to win her back. She had heard through her friends that me and G had spoken since the breakup and that had hurt her (I assured her G meant nothing to me and actually blocked and deleted G right there in front of my ex).

 

We told each other we missed each other and she said she was heartbroken, she had lost trust in me and felt worthless (I reassured her again that I loved her and would never do that to her), she asked for the note to take home with her and left crying (Which breaks my heart).

 

After this meeting I thought I would leave it a few days then try to rebuild a friendship through text messages. She replied but seemed very reserved so I didn’t push things at all.

 

About a week later she initiated contact one morning to tell me she had passed her driving test. I took this as a good a sign so congratulated her and offered to meet her for coffee sometime at our favourite coffee shop. I mentioned in the message that she wouldn't have to stay long. 3 days later after no response I asked her through Facebook if she had received my offer.

 

She got back to me saying she had received it but couldn’t accept as it would make her too upset to see me. She said that she’s hurt and heartbroken and it’s best we don’t speak as every time we do it makes her sad. I told her I would do anything for her to be able to trust me again and to take time to think over her feelings. She says that she can’t get back with me because it wouldn’t be healthy with her worrying. I left it with me telling her that I accept and understand her decision but disagree that we should leave things because I know we could work on and rebuild the trust.

 

So, that last messages were on Monday this week, I’ve heard nothing since then.

 

I have spoken to a relationship coach, he asked me about her personality, the relationship etc. After hearing everything above he suggested to write her a heartfelt handwritten letter, explaining everything that went wrong (I can’t admit to the kiss because I would never ever cheat on my ex), the changes I have made (cutting G from my life completely), but also saying that if being apart is what she needs to be happy then I am willing to let her go.

 

He said to wait 4 weeks, see if she reaches out and if not, give her the letter with a bunch of her favourite flowers.

 

My friends and family obviously say to move on, I accept that maybe this is done. But, I can’t think about being with anyone else, and don’t want to give up. I have learnt so much from this relationship, the breakup has helped me realise so much. I know that my next relationship whoever it is with will be much healthier because I’m now much more mature and know what I want from life.

 

So, what I’m wondering is from all of your guys experience, do you think I still have a chance?

 

Is there anything I can do apart from give her more time and space?

 

Do you think the letter is a good idea?

Edited October 21, 2016 by lostboyfriend

[lostboyfriend]

Any help would be really appreciated :(

[aloneinaz]

What a lot of drama over something so stupid. If she's that childish and acts like a 13YO, why convince her of anything. Why not simply kick her to the curb and find someone who communicates and acts like an adult.

 

I personally wouldn't have the time or patience for her..

[fromheart]

Well, you told her the truth and she didn't believe you. What more can you do? I don't agree with the relationship coach's advise.

 

Women are going to come on to you as men will come on to her, do you have to break up and send each other flowers every time?

 

In these situations, you tell your partner the truth once. If they choose not to believe, you have to move on as they are not trusting you. No trust, no relationship.

 

When I was about your age, my GF ended it with me for something I didn't do. I went through a punishment similar to what you are going through now, for something that didn't happen.

Naturally it didn't work out with her. If that were to happen again with someone else, I wouldn't accept the drama and mistrust in my life.

 

I suggest you tell her to reach out to you when she's ready to trust you, and then completely walk away.

You shouldn't be doing time, if you didn't commit the crime.

[Doris1991]

Wow what a pickle you're in!

 

I'm not going to lie, like the others have said her lack of trust in you is an issue! You have explained to her and done everything in your power to prove that she's the only one you want. I don't know what more she wants from you.

 

I think the relationship coaches advice seems like a good plan for now and at least you have something in the pipeline which hopefully will help you cope as well as you're understandably heartbroken and having a "plan of action" could help you. The fact she's reaching out to you even though she seems to be blowing a bit hot and cold is a good sign really.

 

Even if you do decide to separate for now though, there will be others. I know you probably can't see your life without her in it right now but I promise you it'll get easier and if it doesn't work out you'll find someone else or maybe as she matures she'll find her way back to you, you never know! Getting over your first love is a killer, there's plenty of support around and make sure your friends and family are looking after you whatever you decide to do!

 

Good luck xx

[cucumber95]

Is it even relationship? if she doesn't trust you? you want girlfriend which trusts you not some girl.