LDR insecurites and jealousy - break up

[the_baroness]

So, I met this guy one night this february, when I was still engaged to my now ex fiance, while out with my friends (strangely, it was one of the rare occasions when I was out without my then fiance). It was innocent, but we connected immediately and ended up talking for hours and laughing while people were partying around us, and although we did exchange contacts, I was upfront with him about me being engaged and wanting nothing but friendship from him and he respected that. I have to say I felt immediate chemistry, and something about him grabbed me instantly. My engagements were already in a bad stage where we were mostly friends and not lovers for 2 years already (been together little less than 7y), and I think we both knew things were not going great and were going to end soon. But I would never cheat on him, nor have I ever cheated anyone in the past. So a few days later he contacted me asking what's up and pretty soon we started messaging for hours over the day, mostly sending funny pictures, jokes and similar stuff, nothing personal at first. About two weeks from the day we met he had a change of circumstances regarding his work and had to move back to his hometown 300 miles away. So it became a long distance very quickly, but it wasn't such a problem since we were still very much in the sort of less then friends and more than acquaitances phase. But somehow we got hooked on texting and sharing stuff that happened to us during the day. In the next two months he came to visit his family in my city and we went to drinks two times, strictly friendly, but after a few drinks I got my confirmation that the chemistry was definitely there, which ended up me rejecting his offer to take me home in his car both times, since I was still officialy in a relationship, and basically I came home running both times. After the second time we met I hugged him sort of friendly and clumsy, and got on the bus like my feet were on fire.

 

Few weeks later the fiance and I broke up, which caused a lot of stress on it's own, mostly because both our families were disappointed about how we didn't work hard enough etc, but we were convinced we made the right choice, and we stayed really good friends. Now comes the complicated stuff. I told him I broke up with fiance but was still living with him until I find the new place to live and save up some money for it, and he was generally sweet about it, asked how I was feeling, but confessed to me later that night he has been thinking about me a lot and about that clumsy hug and how he wanted it to last a little bit longer. In the next month or so he invited me to come to his town for my vacation, and things went pretty naturally from there, the whole fireworks and all. I was there for a week, I met some of his family members (which he introduced me to as a friend but pretty soon things were clearly more than that), and by the time I came back we were a couple. Both in love and torn at the same time by the fact that I still had to move out and that we were now in a LDR. He had one serious relationship before me which ended badly because of LDR and her cheating and lying. I was very honest with him from the start about me being friends with ex fiance, but at the same time I spared him from all the drama the breakup caused in my family, b/c I really didn't want him to feel the pressure from it, just like I didn't want him to be the person I cheated on someone with while I was still engaged. He told me repeatedly how much he trusted me for this honesty. I moved out by the end of july, and he came to visit me for a week in my new place, barely getting free days at work to be with me. We had great time, he met some of my friends, I met his brother and best friend, and we made plans for me to to visit him again for a whole month this august.

 

Then that day came. The last day he was with me, I took him to the station, and was very sad we wouldn't see eachother for another 3 weeks. Then my ex fiance asked if I wanted to hang out with our dogs in the park later that day (we had two dogs, one is now living with me, the other with him), I said ok, so we saw eachother for less than an hour, since I was bummed and wanted to go home. Like always, I honestly told this to him, and he seemed ok with it. I even sent him a picture of the dogs playing, and told him how bad I felt without him and went home where I spent the whole evening moping around. A few days later he confessed he didn't believe in the whole friendships with the ex thing, how he felt nervous and jealous because of it, and I told him how it's hard for me to just throw someone out of my life after 7 years, especially since we broke up in agreement. For another two days everything was fine, and then one day, after getting really drunk the night before, he told me the damage was already done and how even if I went to NC with the ex fiance (which I said I would if it ment his peace of mind) he would never be able to trust me like before and how he can't be sure nothing happened between me and the ex while we were still living together (that part really kicked me in the stomach), and how this whole thing reminds him of his ex who cheated etc. And he broke up with me via message in the middle of the work day. I was so angry and hurt I told him not to contact me ever again. This was 6 weeks ago. We texted a few times after that, mostly sad/hurtful stuff, he told me he missed me more than I know but he made up his mind, I went from cold and angry to spiraling into codependent sort of mindset, where I believe I wronged him and want to make things right, and basically offering him a second chance which he never asked for in the first place and clearly doesn't want. First 4 weeks were horrible, I felt like I was posioned. I'm beginning to find my peace again, but I have trouble wrapping my head around all that happened, and how someone so sweet can become so cruel and distant. I feel guilt and betrayed at the same time. A lot of my friends told me I was too honest with him and that he didn't have to know every detail of my day since he was obviously a jealous type and has insecurities from the past, which lead to this.

 

So what I would like to hear is some neutral opinion, is it fixable, shoult it be fixed, where did I go so wrong..?

Edited August 24, 2016 by the_baroness

[bummer]

You went wrong by overlapping and continuing to do so. Your friendships don't send clear messages.

 

Know that people who have been betrayed often find ways to protect themselves from future hurt. They project past insecurities forward as a learning mechanism. He's been hurt before, he's reacting like it may happen again.

 

Move on, find closure with the ex fiancee. Stop overlapping.

[whatnot]

People have to know....a 7 year relationship with a 2 year engagement and still living with the guy/girl....doesn't matter here...man or woman...they have to know going in....This isn't the best basis on which to build a trusting relationship.

 

I'm sure it probably happens but....Most men/women...will have reservations. They may say they don't (because it may sound accusatory to say they do...but...how could they not?

 

I honestly don't understand. It's that simple.

 

Good luck...