My (28/M) breakup with an ex lover (29/F) became toxic - any input is appreciated

[Jeannot456]

I met this girl, let's call Jane on Tinder and we started chatting casually. Our conversation was nothing special and at one stage she said that she felt that Tinder was not for her and that it may of been too soon to be dating again after her ex bf. I agreed that Tinder was not the best avenue in those circumstances but I enjoyed our chats so gave her my number before she deleted her profile.

 

She texted me a few days later asking about my Friday evenings plans, I responded saying I was probably going to read and she said she was going out - very bland and a convo that just went nowhere. A few days later she texted again and asked if I was interested (straight out). I admitted I was and we began chatting on whatsapp... one night our texts took a turn to the raunchy side and we started sexting. After this session we agreed to meet up for a drink . We met up, she was really nervous as was I but the conversation was fun and we had similar interests in books etc. As I walked her to her car we did land up kissing and making out in the car park. A few days later she invited me over to her place to watch some netflix which basically mean't lets have sex which we did (after a brief stint of watching sharknado... shocking movie haha). The sex was great, I felt we both enjoyed it and I, on her request didn't spend the night and went home.

 

The following night I went out with my mates and upon coming home I received a lashing of random texts from Jane, accusing me of sleeping with other girls. I had to answer in a cool fashion at 4am that I was very much alone and had not gone to sleep with any other girls. She then retreated to saying how I should be with her in bed cuddling. Thing is this should of been a red flag, she was too emotional post breakup and when we agreed to meet up the next day I was wary of her behaviour. However, while we planned a day out that I wasn't to excited for after being subject to some swearing, accusations of ****ing other girls and whatnot, I did meet up with her to talk. We went to the beach where she basically stated she wanted a boyfriend on date two (I know in hindsight this had rebound all over it), I had to state to her that I was working in this country (I am not from this country) temporarily for 6 months and that whilst I was happy to be exclusive I can't just be her bf straight away. I did mention that I would tell her if I met anyone that I felt I wanted and not cheat on her and vica versa (had she met a local bloke then she could easily blow me off as I am a foreigner). She agreed, not too happy that I didn't emphasis that she was enough but given the circumstances I didn't know her well. She did also admit that her ex bf was trying to get hold of her and see her but she would never go back to him as he swore at her and this is what resulted in her 'stress' being taken out on me. Having said that, we went back to my place and I slept with her 2 more times in my room which was again hot.

 

Moving on, I went over to her place again for dinner and a sleepover and whilst I took the bus and arrived 20 minutes late she blew off at me, told me not to bother and swore at me again for playing her. I was shocked and given I was already on the bus I simply texted that I'd arrive there in 15 minutes and would wonder around her area until either she came to see me or I went back home. 30 minutes later she responded and came to meet me and of all things was busy buying shoes online! Now I am a pretty accommodating guy but I should of recognised the flaws. Anyways, while chatting at her place and to put her mind at ease that I was choosing to be with her I did mention that other girls were interested and I turned them down for her, one from work particularly. This, which I thought was to make her feel comfortable led her to turn the other way and accuse me of possibly hooking up with her when out because I was drunk and unable to control myself at work evening socials....

 

This cycle of insecurity carried on until she went away for a month to the US, when she left she told me that I could do what I wanted and I guess I just carried on being on tinder. She blew off at me for doing so before she left because she found my profile which was updated - funny thing is she was on tinder because that is the only way she could of known and found it! In this instance she swore at me, told me I am not a real man, told me I was bad in bed and that i was just a distraction anyways as she was seeing her ex! For a moment I felt bad for being on tinder but when she said all those hurtful things, I was angry and just said good riddance when she left!

 

A few days later she texted me saying I was the one who was being mean and asked if I calmed down. I ignored her texts and she accused me of blocking her number (I never did but just deleted it) and then she pinged after me on and off for 6 weeks. She made new tinder profiles, she sent me nostalgic videos of what we watched at hers. She also mentioned to me her new lover who knew how to treat her well unlike me.... just to make me feel bad. Thing is, while I tolerated this and read the messages it wore me down. I found myself, while working in a foreign country also getting lonely and isolated. Her attention, albeit negative was not cut out entirely.

 

One night I when out with a friend I mentioned to her via text that I did somewhat miss her which led her to answer me in the morning with a straight, "lets have sex". I was shocked, after all the insults she threw at me (and I admit I threw back at her in defense) she wanted to have sex. I asked why and she simply answered because it's fun. The horrible part here is that I now got derailed, sure I wanted sex but this girl was too non-emphatic, I find it hard to describe but weird. While she was great in bed I must admit a bit crazy thus far. My problem is that when I started answering and chasing her she started to give me the cold shoulder and this started to upset me. I would criticise her for using sex to get me back and then blowing me off, she simply ignored me. I landed up having goes at her for her behaviour and she casually turned it around saying I was too sensitive and denied some of the things she said with no hesitation (the part of her ex bf swearing at her, she said it wasn't true - I was perplexed). In the end, somehow I found myself chasing her and she was drawing away!

 

I then deleted her number and moved on, when I did that she returned saying, "goodbye then" or that I was having mood swings. I started feeling like I was going nuts and I started resenting her but always though, "Hey the sex was good, why not?". Thing is after a few weeks of trying to get her but also trying to break free from what I can only describe as what became toxic, addictive relationship. I really felt my self-esteem and confidence erode away as this went on.

 

I sent her a long text asking why she was playing games and that we should talk over the phone, no longer texts. She told me she was no longer interested because I scared her (somehow I don't know, I never ever threatened but I did act erratically in deleting her number and re-adding it in order to tell her I can't do this up and down thing). She called me crazy, I started feeling crazy. She said I was unstable and when I tried to talk to her on the phone she ignored me. This girl ignored a few calls of mine at a point while texting and voicenotes as well, saying her mike broke. I, with great pain at this point accepted her wishes and moved on. I was hurt but hey when a girl said she is no longer interested I am man enough to move on.

 

Not even 5 days later, on a Friday night she texted me saying she was in my area and had been all evening! I was shocked to have received this... I actually felt Adrenalin, a fight or flight type of reaction that made me head to the beach and relax with a friend. I couldn't meet this girl, she was driving me mad. Thing is a few days later I asked why she bothered texting after all that had been said? She answered that had I not had a mood swing we could of said hi, mind us our last engagement she told me to forget about her and move on which was what I was actually doing (hence deleted her number again). I was shocked, I told her I felt she was toying with me and that if she could respect me she could call me otherwise to not text me **** like that again. Her response was to laugh at me, saying if I had not blocked her (I didn't, I got her whatsapp text) she would of called while a few days prior she said she was too scared to talk to me on the phone! I feel mind****ed, I feel played. Who on earth says to a guy he is scary and then tells him where she is? Finally I ignored her and she sent me riddles via whatsapp because she knew I liked em. I had to re-affirm that I liked her but I couldnt have her messaging me. She just said ok. '

 

My curiosity got the better of me and the riddle which I spent a few days thinking about and finally texted her back answering the riddle and asking for sure if she was sure she wanted me out of her life. She said yes to both and went to accuse me of being unhinged and crazy. She always called me crazy and then re-affirmed that she was scared of me. I told her the converse, I was in fact scared of her and felt manipulated and she told me to **** off and blocked me.

 

In the end I feel confused, yes I did like her but when I found myself chasing her after she chased me I just couldn't conceptualise how it happened. At one point when she wanted me she literally offered anal sex! Anything she could of used to get me back she did and when I came around, to my own detriment she pulled away and that just drove me mad.

 

The point of this story, is just to get some input really. I know every story has 3 sides, mine, hers and the truth but from what my memory, journal and old texts put together this is how it turned out. What do you guys think? She was a bad apple? Was I mad/crazy? I did feel addicted to her at one point when I started chasing her, she just got me... it's so damn confusing.

 

P.S. Now after not hearing from her for about a week I feel like I am going back to normal, sane and just relieved.

[trippi1432]

You both met on Tinder....give her the Cheerio!! Not sure why you need validation, hers, yours and the truth???

 

A. it isn't a relationship, B. You didn't marry her and C. Neither of you are preggers. Push on............

[Toodaloo]

This is what happens when two people are not on the same page...

 

What she should have done was walk away. She didn't want to as she liked you. Now she feels aggrieved because she isn't getting what she wants...

 

Stick with dating girls who are on your wave length.

 

Do not answer her when she comes back to you. She probably will as she is attention seeking. Just ignore/ block or whatever it is you have to do.

[Stercrazy]

Yup just move on. I pretty much recently had a similar situation and ended up calling the cops on her twice in less then 24 hours. It is what it is. She was attention seeking while using drama. You don't need it. Find someone more stable. Good luck!!

[fromheart]

She's mentally unstable and you're getting drawn into it. When that first red flag gos up, its time to move on!

 

I have zero tolerance for psychotic behavior. Because I've been involved with girls just like the one you describe. I used to get seduced by the initial image of themselves they'd put up, and then tolerate the narcissistic behavior that followed in the hope of a glimpse of the one side of her that I actually liked.

 

You get addicted to them basically, and like a drug addiction you take all the health destroying aspects, for that temporary high. She in turn will pull you in and push you back. She'll treat you like she treats herself. Its destructive, its nasty.

 

Best thing is to say no to her, and to go NC. You'll feel so much better for it I promise.

[LostOnes05]

Yikes, this sounds so familiar. Definitely learned a lesson when I went through something similar...save all text messages and voicemails when dealing with someone like that. Why? So that when women like her backtrack and double talk to make you seem crazy, you can hit them with their own words. It's like that saying, "If you didn't document it, it didn't happen". I had to actually do that and when I did, you could hear a mouse piss on cotton she got so quiet...until she searched her illogical thought process to find something demeaning to say. No contact is the best thing you could do for yourself.

[Arieswoman]

Jeannot456,

 

Rather than worrying about the ingredients of this toxic association I would ask yourself why you allowed it to continue as long as it did?

 

Do you really thrive on drama with unstable fruit-loops or do you want a healthy mutually-fulfilling relationship?

 

I think it's time to do some work on yourself. This link may help you if admin allow it ;

 

Advice Wednesday: Do I Have Problems That I Can?t Admit To Or Am I Being Manipulated?

[Jeannot456]

Hey everyone, thank you for the responses - they really have been much appreciated.

 

I have been doing a lot of soul searching here on this and I had to ask myself some serious questions. I am equally responsible for letting this go on and I allowed the drama to continuous. In retrospect, I attracted this girl of all girls and she was the one I "picked". Why?

 

I, on one level or another must of liked it. I am no masochist but the attention and the thought that I could "fix" her appealed to me.

 

When I was a kid my parents fought a lot... a lot a lot. I hate to admit this but I only have one memory of them being happy together... Aside from that my dad worked in a foreign country and I basically grew up with him coming and going which was really tough on me as a kid. I remember trying to make peace in the house when they fought because the arguments killed me. I guess the point is that I want to solve things innately and am drawn to girls who are 'victims' (as she appeared to be due to her ex and they way she depicted herself) and I have a degree of codependency issues that stem from my dad having always had to leave and that caused some abandonment issues. I''ve never really confronted this before and you know what - it sucks.

 

I want a healthy relationship, a loving one based on trust and real intimacy and am scared that because of how things were for me growing up I will always fall into the trap of attracting the same type of girl... I don't want that cycle to continuous :-(. Ian not going to attack Jane or blame but yea she was as "crazy" and narcassistic as one can see... I was a supply to her self esteem and once she got me back and broke down my walls I gave too much to my own detriment.

 

It's a tough pill to swallow but in short I am attracted to crazy and it isn't healthy.