Broke NC and feel awful about it

[srhxo]

This is really long so please bear with me!

 

So, my boyfriend (now ex) and I met on a dating app back in late November while he was home for his sister's wedding. He's in the Navy and is currently stationed in Japan but we're both from the same city. I'm 20 and he's going on 25. I had just gotten out of a relationship a few months before he and I met so I wasn't all the interested in being with anyone at the time, especially because I wasn't sure if he just wanted a fling while he was in town. But, he continued to pursue me until I finally decided to give him a chance. Unfortunately, I didn't make the decision until he was already on his way to the airport to go back to Japan so we didn't get to officially meet while he was home. We messaged each other back and forth for a couple weeks and eventually started talking on the phone and on Skype everyday for hours. It got to the point that neither of us could sleep unless we were on the phone together. We both fell in love with each other and I started to think about all the times people have said "real love comes when you don't look for it" and really felt that I had found "it." We both like the same things, we've had similar life experiences, and he quickly became my best friend, so we decided to give the distance thing a shot around the beginning of December.

 

About a week or so after we made things official, he called me and asked if I would fly out to California and be with him for the summer while he was taking classes for his job in the Navy. He offered to pay for everything since I'm a full time college student. I said yes and a couple days later, he bought my plane ticket and we were both so excited. Around the end of December, he got news that he was going on a three month deployment starting in January and wouldn't be back until late March/early April. We both took it kind of hard but promised to make it work until we could be together in May. The whole deployment went a lot better than expected because I was in school so when he wasn't able to talk, I still had things to keep myself occupied. But we still managed to talk through Facebook or over the phone everyday. During this time things between us got really serious and he started talking about wanting to get married and even let it slip that he had plans to propose when we were together. He even told his mom about it which is a big deal since they're extremely close. I had never felt this strongly about anyone before.

 

Fast forward to May. I had just finished my final exams for the semester and the day that I got to see him was finally here. My dad dropped me off at the airport and I boarded my plane as happy as could be. When I landed, I got off the plane as fast as I could and ran for baggage claim. I saw him, we gave each other the biggest hug, got my bags, and headed back to where we were staying. Being with him in person seemed so easy. It was like seeing an old friend after a long time apart. We spent the next few days getting to really know what it was like to be with one another. We went to movies, to breakfast, to the beach, even to Disneyland; Everything was perfect. Or so I thought. About two weeks into the trip, I noticed he was acting differently towards me. He was cold, distant, and stopped wanting to hold my hand or kiss me. We had the type of relationship where we didn't keep anything from each other and any time there was an issue, we talked it out so I was extremely confused. One night I tried to get him to be intimate with me and he shot me down, so I finally just asked "is it me? Am I not attractive or something?" to which he replied to "I just don't think I'm feeling it anymore." He was supposed to be flying back to Japan for a week at the end of May for work and they still hadn't confirmed if he was going to be coming back so I told him, and myself, it was probably just stress making him distant. We decided to sleep on it and discuss it in the morning. The next day I noticed he was trying again and things seemed like they were getting a lot better.

 

About three or four days after this, he started doing it again and this time I got mad. He finally sat me down and pretty much said we were breaking up and that I needed to go back home. I cried for hours, tried to convince him to change his mind, he even cried about it. But he changed my plane ticket to a 6 AM flight the next morning and I finally accepted that it was over. I got sick from not eating due to the stress and from crying that whole day so we laid in bed together and he held me for a while. After about an hour, he got out of bed and went out on the balcony and said he had to make a phone call and that he'd be right back. He sat out there for a while and I could sort of hear what he was saying and it sounded like he changed his mind about me leaving and was getting my plane ticket changed back to August, which is what it was originally. But I thought I was only hearing what I wanted to hear and went back to sleep. About 45 minutes later he came back inside and sat me up, kissed me, and said he did in fact change the ticket and that he was still in love with me and didn't want me to leave. I felt extremely happy and terrified all at the same time. I had so many thoughts going through my head at this point. He apologized and said it wouldn't happen again. I, of course, believed it because I was in love. He finally got the confirmation that he was coming back to California a few days after going back to Japan so I spent the next week hanging out in the apartment we rented and waited for him to come back. We talked on the phone everyday like we did before and got through the week just fine. He came back around the second week of June and we had to pack up our stuff and move to the Naval base there because he was starting classes. Over the next month, everything was wonderful. Until I noticed he was getting weird again and he said that he couldn't afford to have me stay out there with him any longer and that I needed to go home a month earlier than we had planned. I cried about it and asked if he was breaking up with me and he said "no of course not, I've actually felt really good about us lately. I just can't afford it." And since he's going to be there until October, I understood and said okay. We spent the next couple weeks doing as many couple-related things as possible before I left.

 

We had my ticket changed again and got an early morning flight for July 9th. I was supposed to leave on August 13th so this was extremely hard on me. He drove me to the airport, got my bags checked, and we said our goodbyes. I was really emotional the whole time because it was so sudden. I also ended up getting a really bad rash from something during dinner on our last night together and he insisted I take a Benadryl, so I did and ended up passing out and didn't get to spend any time with him that night, other than dinner, so I was mad at myself for that. As I was standing in the line for security at the airport, I looked up and noticed he had already left. He didn't even stay long enough to make sure I made it back to my gate safely, which hurt a lot but I never said anything because I figured it wasn't worth fighting about.

 

I finally get back home and message him to tell him I was okay and I was almost back to my house and asked if he wanted me to call him when I got settled in. He said of course and that he missed me already. So I call him and I start noticing something's different. He was hardly saying anything to me and this continued for a couple days. I finally asked why he wasn't talking and he said "I just don't have anything to say." Which was odd to me because things were never like that before. But I brushed it off until I noticed he was starting to get mean. It seemed like any time I said anything, he snapped at me. So again, I asked what was wrong and he chalked it up to stress over his exams. I said okay and gave him some space for a few hours and told him if he wanted to talk when he felt better, I'd be there. He called me back later that night and everything was fine again. I didn't bring up what happened because I didn't want to fight again. At this point it has only been about five days since I had gotten back. So, the next morning I messaged him to make sure he was awake for class and he replied with something along the lines of "Yes, I'm about to walk into class now. I'll call you when I get out. I love you and hope you have a wonderful day!" and I waited for him to call. When he finally did a few hours later, I noticed again that he wasn't talkative, but this time it was worse. He finally said "I've been feeling like I did before and I can't do the distance thing. I'm sorry." and I guess part of me kind of knew it was coming because of all the other times but I obviously was still upset over it. I tried to talk to him about it and ask why but he just said he couldn't do it anymore. I hung up the phone and proceeded to bawl until I cried myself to sleep. The next day I messaged him about sending back one of the shirts he gave to me and we started talking and he said he still wants to "be best friends" and I told him that I had to think about it. We continued to talk through Facebook everyday and honestly, other than telling each other "I love you" and the fact that we weren't talking on the phone anymore, nothing really seemed to change. But then I found out that he was back on the dating app that we had originally met on, less than 24 hours after the breakup. I confronted him about it and he said he was just bored and it was none of my business anyway since we weren't together anymore. Which, he was right about that, but I think I also had a right to be angry.

 

I stopped talking to him for a couple days and then he messaged me trying to start a conversation and I was missing him a lot so I gave in. I brought up the breakup again and asked why he wasn't upset like I was and how he could already be looking for other girls. I couldn't, and still can't, wrap my head around how you can go from wanting to marry someone and then a month later, not want anything to do with them. He said he was feeling bad but he had things to keep his mind off it like school and that he loves me but it's "not enough." That's what broke my heart more than anything. To be told that I wasn't enough hurt so badly.

 

Our last argument was about a week ago when I asked if he really wanted to be friends or if he was just trying to let me down gently. At this point, I couldn't really trust anything he said so I had to ask. He said yes of course he wanted to be friends and asked why I was questioning it. I told him it was because he never really seemed like he wanted to talk to me. Every time I would try to hold a conversation, he would get to a point that he would read the message and not reply. He said that he's like that with all of his friends and he doesn't feel the need to reply to me, or anyone else, every time they message him. I'm still adjusting to not talking to him everyday so I figured he would be a little understanding, but he wasn't. I told him that I just didn't want the friendship to slowly taper off and us not talk anymore. He read this and never replied so I didn't message him again until about two days ago.

 

I was having a hard time coping with everything and figured talking to him might help a little since we're supposed to be best friends and all. I sent a message that said "I know we aren't speaking right now but I miss you a lot. Not in a weird way so please don't take it like that. I hope you're doing okay." He still hasn't replied and I don't know if he's read it or not because I felt stupid for giving in and deleted the conversation out of my inbox so I wouldn't have to see it. His mom is currently out there spending time with him so I'm not going to message him again. The last thing I need is for her to think I'm crazy.

 

I burned all the letters that he sent me because they were too painful to read and I put all the gifts he's gotten me into a box and put them away so I wouldn't have to see them for a while. But I'm having such a hard time dealing with it. I have severe anxiety most of the day because I'm constantly wondering if he's with someone else and then I cry because I miss him so much it physically hurts. Usually I'm not this affected by breakups but this was someone I was planning on spending my life with. Someone that I felt was my soulmate. I feel like a big piece of me is missing and I'm still so angry with him. He refuses to talk to me about the breakup so I'm craving closure. I haven't been able to bring myself to delete and unfollow him on social media. I've deleted all of our pictures together and it's like it never happened. I suffer from depression and I've gotten back on medication since the breakup but I still have a hard time coping. I go back to school in about a week and I'm afraid it's going to interfere with my grades. It's been a month since we broke up and my family is pretty much tired of listening to me talk about it. Part of me doesn't want to give up on it because I truly do feel that he's the one but another part of me is so exhausted with everything. He says he isn't going to change his mind but he has before so I feel like I'm holding onto that and I don't necessarily want to. He re-enlisted for another four years before he came back to California and I noticed he stopped including "us" in his future plans and stopped talking about marriage so I feel stupid for not seeing it earlier. I just don't understand how I'm having such a hard time with this and he's out there acting like I never existed. I miss him so much and I just don't know what to do anymore. If anyone can shed some light on this, I'd love any and all kind advice or insights. Thank you.

Edited August 14, 2016 by srhxo

[ExpatInItaly]

Something is very off about this guy.

 

He flies you out to him, then says he wants you to leave early and changes your ticket, then changes his mind the next day, then says he can't afford for you to stay and changes your ticket yet again and sends you packing. OP, did it occur to you that each change to your flight reservation would likely cost him? I mention this because I think his excuse about not being able to afford your stay is BS. Maybe he doesn't have a lot of money, granted, but to be changing your ticket indicates he does have some disposable income.

 

Quite a lot of time passed between your initial contact and your first meeting. That means a lot of time was spent building up an image or expectation of the other person, and it sounds to me like reality wasn't what he expected. That doesn't mean you aren't enough - he was expecting something different, though. I also strongly suspect you weren't the only girl he was talking to. I think it's quite possible there was someone else in his orbit and he was trying to keep his two worlds separate or perhaps his focus was already shifting when you two finally met.

 

I'm sorry you're so hurt. This is why it is critical not to get overly attached to anyone before actually meeting them. The hot-and-cold behaviour with this guy is insane. He is not ready for a commitment whatsoever. You deserve to be with someone who is consistent and doesn't keep pushing you away and pulling you back in. Any talk of marriage or big future plans is pure fantasizing when you've spent so little time together in person; he couldn't possibly have seriously promised marriage because you two had no idea if you'd be compatible in real life. When a man throws around marriage talk so casually without really knowing you and developing a relationship, it's not a good sign. (I learned this the hard way too!) It is also not a good idea to try to be "best friends" with him, because you still have feelings for him. He is already on dating sites because he's already detached, unfortunately. Don't try to maintain this friendship; it's going to hurt you even more.

 

One last thing to remember: don't worry about "giving up" on him - he already walked away. There's nothing to give up on, if you see what I mean. He already pulled the plug.

 

Please, for your own benefit, go No Contact.

[srhxo]

Something is very off about this guy.

 

He flies you out to him, then says he wants you to leave early and changes your ticket, then changes his mind the next day, then says he can't afford for you to stay and changes your ticket yet again and sends you packing. OP, did it occur to you that each change to your flight reservation would likely cost him? I mention this because I think his excuse about not being able to afford your stay is BS. Maybe he doesn't have a lot of money, granted, but to be changing your ticket indicates he does have some disposable income.

 

Quite a lot of time passed between your initial contact and your first meeting. That means a lot of time was spent building up an image or expectation of the other person, and it sounds to me like reality wasn't what he expected. That doesn't mean you aren't enough - he was expecting something different, though. I also strongly suspect you weren't the only girl he was talking to. I think it's quite possible there was someone else in his orbit and he was trying to keep his two worlds separate or perhaps his focus was already shifting when you two finally met.

 

I'm sorry you're so hurt. This is why it is critical not to get overly attached to anyone before actually meeting them. The hot-and-cold behaviour with this guy is insane. He is not ready for a commitment whatsoever. You deserve to be with someone who is consistent and doesn't keep pushing you away and pulling you back in. Any talk of marriage or big future plans is pure fantasizing when you've spent so little time together in person; he couldn't possibly have seriously promised marriage because you two had no idea if you'd be compatible in real life. When a man throws around marriage talk so casually without really knowing you and developing a relationship, it's not a good sign. (I learned this the hard way too!) It is also not a good idea to try to be "best friends" with him, because you still have feelings for him. He is already on dating sites because he's already detached, unfortunately. Don't try to maintain this friendship; it's going to hurt you even more.

 

One last thing to remember: don't worry about "giving up" on him - he already walked away. There's nothing to give up on, if you see what I mean. He already pulled the plug.

 

Please, for your own benefit, go No Contact.

Yeah, I know the changes definitely did cost him. I've already come to the conclusion that not being able to afford it was an excuse for something else. Since I've left he's spent over $500 on clothes for himself and a new bike frame. I figured it all made sense because we did spend a lot of money going out to eat all the time because the kitchen on base was hard to access. But since seeing his actions after I left, none of it adds up.

 

One of my theories is that he got to California and saw there were a lot of "options" out there and panicked about committing to me. Which, in that case, I wouldn't want to be with him anyway. My parents think he was just using me as something to pass the time while he was on deployment. The way he talked about the relationship he was in before me is starting to sound a lot like what he did to me. Basically, they were on the same ship and knew the same people, they dated for a year, then broke it off because he claims he told her in the beginning that he just wanted something casual and then she started talking about wanting to get married. I don't think there's any way you can just "casually" date someone for a year so obviously there was something there, even if it was just on her side.

 

I think he wants to be with someone but doesn't actually want to be with them, if that makes sense.

 

It's just so hard for me to let go because there is so much love still there for him and because I'm still trying to figure out what happened. I haven't contacted him since the last message but I'm trying not to hold it against him because as I said, his mom is visiting and he hasn't seen her since November so I can understand that he wants to spend time with her and doesn't necessarily want to spend that time talking to his ex. She leaves on Friday so I figured if he still doesn't reply after that, then that's it. I don't think I'm going to be over him for a long, long time and I'm trying to learn how to accept that while he's already moving on.

 

I hate that I lost the person that I was before I met him and I'm this sad, crying mess all the time. I hate that I wasted my summer on someone that wasn't even sure that he wanted me, when I could've been in school. I think he wanted the chase and then once I got there, it was over so he gave up.

[ExpatInItaly]

Good for you for not making excuses for him, first of all. You seem to have a fairly clear perspective on what was going on.

 

It will take time for the sting to pass. Sadly, nearly all of us have been where you are. Every break-up involves those disappointments, those moments of disbelief, that painful detachment.

 

But time really does heal. So does space. Find time for your friends, even to get you out of the house for just an hour or two. The distractions will help.

[srhxo]

Good for you for not making excuses for him, first of all. You seem to have a fairly clear perspective on what was going on.

 

It will take time for the sting to pass. Sadly, nearly all of us have been where you are. Every break-up involves those disappointments, those moments of disbelief, that painful detachment.

 

But time really does heal. So does space. Find time for your friends, even to get you out of the house for just an hour or two. The distractions will help.

 

Yeah, I've been doing my best to try and find things to keep my mind off it. There's just times when it really hits me and ruins the rest of my day and I'm ready for that to pass. It makes me feel like he still has control over me, even if he doesn't know it. He posted on snapchat earlier and still hasn't replied to the message I sent three days ago so I'm taking that as he has detached completely now, which sucks. I feel like he's playing with my emotions a little. Like I said, I just can't stand that he took so much out of me. I've never felt like I needed another person to be complete until now, even though I know that's not true. As I said in my original post, I thought since I wasn't looking for it for once, it was the real thing and it's disappointing being so wrong. I'm hoping that school will keep me busy so I don't obsess over it so much. Again, I just have a hard time not constantly questioning what I did wrong or why I wasn't enough, etc etc.

[ExpatInItaly]

What you're feeling is normal. It hurts, especially considering the way he went about ending it. He behaved like a jerk, and I would agree that he played with your feelings.

 

You will probably need a couple months to feel back to normal. In that time, vent. Let it out to a sympathetic friend or family member, cry when you need to. Most importantly, be patient and kind with yourself.

[srhxo]

What you're feeling is normal. It hurts, especially considering the way he went about ending it. He behaved like a jerk, and I would agree that he played with your feelings.

 

You will probably need a couple months to feel back to normal. In that time, vent. Let it out to a sympathetic friend or family member, cry when you need to. Most importantly, be patient and kind with yourself.

 

I'll try my best! I do think I'm trying to rush myself to feel better because he's so okay with it all and that's not fair to myself. I think he does still love me but since I'm basically out of sight, out of mind, it's easier for him to detach than if he could actually see how hurt I am.

 

I'm hoping that maybe we'll connect again down the road when he's ready to really commit because I do have unconditional love for him, as much as I wish I didn't right now. I think I always will. But I won't sit around and wait for that.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'll try my best! I do think I'm trying to rush myself to feel better because he's so okay with it all and that's not fair to myself. I think he does still love me but since I'm basically out of sight, out of mind, it's easier for him to detach than if he could actually see how hurt I am.

 

I'm hoping that maybe we'll connect again down the road when he's ready to really commit because I do have unconditional love for him, as much as I wish I didn't right now. I think I always will. But I won't sit around and wait for that.

 

Honestly, you probably won't. Sometimes people do things that truly compromise our ability to love them, and it is best to walk away. People view unconditional love as some ultimate goal but I generally think it's not a healthy way to approach a relationship - there are certain conditions that should be met (respect, honesty, trustworthiness, consistency, and so on)

 

I also get the sense that you're still quite young. This is great, because it means there is still plenty of time for you to find a man who really is into you, someone who wouldn't dare blow hot and cold. You will experience far deeper love.

[srhxo]

Honestly, you probably won't. Sometimes people do things that truly compromise our ability to love them, and it is best to walk away. People view unconditional love as some ultimate goal but I generally think it's not a healthy way to approach a relationship - there are certain conditions that should be met (respect, honesty, trustworthiness, consistency, and so on)

 

I also get the sense that you're still quite young. This is great, because it means there is still plenty of time for you to find a man who really is into you, someone who wouldn't dare blow hot and cold. You will experience far deeper love.

 

You're probably right. He's still active on the dating app we met on and is basically going girl-crazy right now which is showing me his true colors and kind of confirming my suspicion that he panicked about being fully committed to one girl while he's in the states. I don't know if he's actually seeing them or if he's just talking to them online but either way, it shows that he's not taking the time to figure out what his issues are and instead just trying to push everything down and go to the next girl. Which, he's going to keep ending up in this situation until he deals with whatever it is. And obviously if he has time to swipe through tons of random girls but doesn't have the time to at least acknowledge that I sent him a message and was trying to be civil, it's not worth the effort. I'm noticing I'm getting more and more "done" with the whole thing as each day passes. I still allow myself to cry when I need to and that's normal, but the overwhelming feeling of "I need to message him or he's going to forget about me" is starting to lessen just because of the way he's treating me and because well, he already did pretty much push me aside. It seems like I "pull the plug" out a little more everyday so I'm hoping I'll be able to just do it all the way soon and not care about it.

 

 

**Update: He finally replied to the message I sent almost three days ago and said that he hopes I'm doing well and he apologized for the way he's been acting. I didn't respond and I don't think I'm going to. Not sure why he waited this long but I'm not buying the apology this time.

Edited August 16, 2016 by srhxo

[srhxo]

So I posted on here a few weeks ago about the breakup I'm currently going through and took the advice of a few other people and went NC with my ex fairly recently. He messaged me roughly a week ago and apologized for how badly he's been treating me lately and I was still mad about it so I was short with him, which ended in us arguing a little and eventually not speaking again. Basically he apologized for the way he was being but he claims he wasn't being as bad as I said he was. I'm never allowed to be angry which is pretty typical from him lately. Anyway, yesterday he liked a picture I posted of myself on Instagram almost immediately after I put it up and I'll admit, I was kind of happy about it. Unfortunately, I cracked last night after almost a week and a half of not talking to him. I sent him a message just basically saying that I hoped he was doing well and that I just wanted to say hi. He replied and we had a normal conversation for all of maybe five minutes before he went back to acting like I don't exist like before. It's been a month since we broke up and almost two months since we last saw each other. (We were long distance, in case you didn't read my previous post.)

 

I started my fall semester today so I was able to keep my mind off things for a few hours but now I feel horrible about it again. I know I need to stick to the NC thing, but I'm only human so I'm trying not to be too critical of myself. I've hidden his posts on Facebook and have hardly gone on any other of my social media accounts other than when I posted that picture because I was having a decent day. I know that keeping my distance is what's best for me right now but it's hard for my heart to accept that, if that makes sense.

 

Has anyone else had trouble with NC like this? I was so proud of myself for going as long as I did. It was only a week or so but considering we used to talk everyday, all day, it was a huge deal for me. Please don't tell me I'm being ridiculous or doing this to myself, etc. I know all of these things already. Just looking for support or people that are dealing with similar situations.

[Silver_star]

Its normal. I have been there too, I deleted him from my phone text right away and looking back I would have done myself the favor of deleting him from social media too, because it opens up a whole other world of self inflicted emotional wounds. When you start going NC you are literally cutting off a habit and an addiction. You talking to him all the time was part of your life and now you are drastically changing it and it is going to be hard for your brain to get used to it, and your heart to accept it. But be tough with yourself. You even understand that it is for the best.

Don't reach out. Make a list of things to do other than reach out to him. Clean the house, wash your car, write a letter and don't send it, go meet a friend for coffee, read a book, watch a show, paint your nails, get wrapped up in something so that you don't text him or call him in your weak moment. Everyone has weak moments, but the important part is realizing how it makes you feel after your weak moment has passed and you realize you having reached out to them has not benefitted you in ANY way. Your small talk, and re-hashing the past does not make you feel good after the conversation is over...so that's how you know that you need to give yourself some toughlove and make busy until you can get over him.

[Simon Phoenix]

First of all, this whole thing sounds like too much too quickly. Both of you allowed your feelings to skyrocket without spending much physical time together and then when you did spend time together, you were with each other constantly except when he was working. The foundation wasn't there to handle the increasing feelings or the constant contact and it collapsed. If he didn't opt out when he did, there's a good chance that you would have down the road.

 

That being said, he isn't being fair to you with his wishy-washyness. He likes you there as an option "in case" he doesn't find anything better, and you can't allow that. Therefore, you have to do complete No Contact including blocking him on your phone, social media, etc. You backsliding in No Contact isn't unusual, but your current approach of keeping him on social media/allowing him to text you is going to make it impossible for you to maintain No Contact. You have to block just so you can get your head straight and pick up the pieces. You'll never be able to do that if he's checking in or you're checking on him.

[TexasGuy12]

So I posted on here a few weeks ago about the breakup I'm currently going through and took the advice of a few other people and went NC with my ex fairly recently. He messaged me roughly a week ago and apologized for how badly he's been treating me lately and I was still mad about it so I was short with him, which ended in us arguing a little and eventually not speaking again. Basically he apologized for the way he was being but he claims he wasn't being as bad as I said he was. I'm never allowed to be angry which is pretty typical from him lately. Anyway, yesterday he liked a picture I posted of myself on Instagram almost immediately after I put it up and I'll admit, I was kind of happy about it. Unfortunately, I cracked last night after almost a week and a half of not talking to him. I sent him a message just basically saying that I hoped he was doing well and that I just wanted to say hi. He replied and we had a normal conversation for all of maybe five minutes before he went back to acting like I don't exist like before. It's been a month since we broke up and almost two months since we last saw each other. (We were long distance, in case you didn't read my previous post.)

 

I started my fall semester today so I was able to keep my mind off things for a few hours but now I feel horrible about it again. I know I need to stick to the NC thing, but I'm only human so I'm trying not to be too critical of myself. I've hidden his posts on Facebook and have hardly gone on any other of my social media accounts other than when I posted that picture because I was having a decent day. I know that keeping my distance is what's best for me right now but it's hard for my heart to accept that, if that makes sense.

 

Has anyone else had trouble with NC like this? I was so proud of myself for going as long as I did. It was only a week or so but considering we used to talk everyday, all day, it was a huge deal for me. Please don't tell me I'm being ridiculous or doing this to myself, etc. I know all of these things already. Just looking for support or people that are dealing with similar situations.

 

Hey there. I did something similar to you, I broke NC and she treated me like I didn't matter as well, after always being with each other for 18 months. That really helped me to move on, and it's dramatically lessened my desire to contact her ever since. So next time you feel weak, or he gives you a breadcrumb like a "How are you" text or a like on Instagram, remember how this no contact break made you feel. Remember how what was a glimmer of hope totally went to shreds as he started treating you badly again. You don't want to be treated like that. So remember this feeling. Let it motivate you to improve yourself, and encourage you NOT to contact him again.

 

If he wants to get back in your life, and is truly sorry for what he did, then he will find a way to make you know it.

[srhxo]

Hey there. I did something similar to you, I broke NC and she treated me like I didn't matter as well, after always being with each other for 18 months. That really helped me to move on, and it's dramatically lessened my desire to contact her ever since. So next time you feel weak, or he gives you a breadcrumb like a "How are you" text or a like on Instagram, remember how this no contact break made you feel. Remember how what was a glimmer of hope totally went to shreds as he started treating you badly again. You don't want to be treated like that. So remember this feeling. Let it motivate you to improve yourself, and encourage you NOT to contact him again.

 

If he wants to get back in your life, and is truly sorry for what he did, then he will find a way to make you know it.

 

That's what I'm trying to do and it had been working for a while. I guess I just got extremely lonely last night and that's why I broke. I immediately regretted messaging him but unfortunately you can't take it back once it's happened. I also forgot to mention in my previous posts that he does still have a few of my things. They were birthday presents that he got me and that I still want but was unable to fit them in my suitcase before leaving, so I can't cut things off completely until he sends them back to me. I brought it up twice already and he said he'll send them when he can find a big enough box (one of the things is a huge throw blanket) but I feel like he's holding onto them as long as possible in order to keep me around, which really sucks. But I don't want to say anything again because I don't want to seem like I'm trying to find excuses for him to talk to me, since he didn't reply yesterday.

 

The more I talk about him, the more I'm able to see how manipulative he's being which definitely helps during the times that I have him on a pedestal. He's been going out drinking pretty much every weekend since we broke up so I still think he just wants to be single while he's pretty much free from the military rules for a few months. As of right now, all he has to do is show up to his classes and other than that, he's basically free to do as he pleases. I've tried to get myself back out there but I quickly realized I'm not ready and I'm trying to be okay with that. I feel kind of stupid that I can't even talk to another guy, meanwhile he's on dating sites and doing god knows what.

 

I've been doing my best to be happy with myself and I know I did everything right as far as the relationship goes. I just can't stand that he could forget about me so easily. Thank you for the input, though. It's nice to know I'm not the only one.

[TexasGuy12]

That's what I'm trying to do and it had been working for a while. I guess I just got extremely lonely last night and that's why I broke. I immediately regretted messaging him but unfortunately you can't take it back once it's happened. I also forgot to mention in my previous posts that he does still have a few of my things. They were birthday presents that he got me and that I still want but was unable to fit them in my suitcase before leaving, so I can't cut things off completely until he sends them back to me. I brought it up twice already and he said he'll send them when he can find a big enough box (one of the things is a huge throw blanket) but I feel like he's holding onto them as long as possible in order to keep me around, which really sucks. But I don't want to say anything again because I don't want to seem like I'm trying to find excuses for him to talk to me, since he didn't reply yesterday.

 

The more I talk about him, the more I'm able to see how manipulative he's being which definitely helps during the times that I have him on a pedestal. He's been going out drinking pretty much every weekend since we broke up so I still think he just wants to be single while he's pretty much free from the military rules for a few months. As of right now, all he has to do is show up to his classes and other than that, he's basically free to do as he pleases. I've tried to get myself back out there but I quickly realized I'm not ready and I'm trying to be okay with that. I feel kind of stupid that I can't even talk to another guy, meanwhile he's on dating sites and doing god knows what.

 

I've been doing my best to be happy with myself and I know I did everything right as far as the relationship goes. I just can't stand that he could forget about me so easily. Thank you for the input, though. It's nice to know I'm not the only one.

 

Well, the drinking could also be in response to the breakup as well. Could be either one of those.

 

I was feeling lonely last night too. And bored. So I looked at her FB for the first time after 9 days of NC after the incident that I described above. I reacted way better than the last time. So I feel you on the lonely nights. It's okay. I've found that a new rule I made for myself has really helped. The rule is that it's okay to take one step back, as long as you learn from it. We're not going to be perfect. Allow yourself to make decisions, and if you learn and grow from them, that's all that matters.

 

Next time you get lonely, come on here and talk to us. We'll be here

[springy]

You are not really nc if you are still following him on social media. Unfollow, unfriend, stop checking the dating app, no contact is no form of contact at all. Block him if you must, because he doesn't need to see what you're up to either. That means no texts...no contact. Zero. Nada. None. That is how you really start the process of getting over someone. Keeping tabs on him does you no earthly good.

 

You have a great advantage of being long distance in this. You don't have to worry about running into him at the store, the club, the park, on the street, etc. You can really go no contact if you so choose.

[srhxo]

Well, the drinking could also be in response to the breakup as well. Could be either one of those.

 

I was feeling lonely last night too. And bored. So I looked at her FB for the first time after 9 days of NC after the incident that I described above. I reacted way better than the last time. So I feel you on the lonely nights. It's okay. I've found that a new rule I made for myself has really helped. The rule is that it's okay to take one step back, as long as you learn from it. We're not going to be perfect. Allow yourself to make decisions, and if you learn and grow from them, that's all that matters.

 

Next time you get lonely, come on here and talk to us. We'll be here

 

Could be, I'm not sure. He bottles everything up so I never know what's going on with him. Which was a huge issue for me because I was 100% open with him about things. He didn't get that way until after we were physically together, so I don't know what his deal is. Doesn't really matter now, I suppose.

 

I do feel better since talking about it, though. I'm a little apprehensive about coming here because there are so many people on here that are quick to write things off as "you didn't even know each other" or "you moved too quickly" and while they may be right, that doesn't change that feelings did develop and I'm not going to feel bad for allowing myself to love as strongly as I did, you know? I just plan on pushing myself into my studies for the next few months. It'll keep my mind off things, even if only for a few hours a day. It's much better than spending all day obsessing over him. With each time I reach out and things don't go positively, I do learn from it and my feelings do lessen little by little. I know I deserve better than to be kept on the back burner, my heart just has to catch up and realize that too.

[srhxo]

So I finally deleted him off Snapchat. I realized every time I looked at his stories, I would just get upset because he's out doing things and acting like I never happened. I talked to my brother about it and how he said he wants to be friends then goes back to being cold and he told me that the only reason he's saying that is so he doesn't feel guilty. I've seen a lot of people on here say the same thing to other people so I'm starting to think they're right. As much as it sucks, I know I'll never be able to heal from this if I'm constantly being reminded that he doesn't care, or is at least trying to make it seem that way.

 

I still have him on Facebook because as I said in a previous post, he still has some of my things that he hasn't sent to me yet and Facebook is the only way I can contact him. He doesn't leave for a couple more months so when it gets closer to then, I'm going to send him a message and tell him he needs to send them, if he hasn't by that time. I'm almost positive he's posting the things that he has been to mess with my head and make me wonder if he's with someone else and I'm done playing the game; I deserve better. In a friend and in a partner. The only reason I've been able to keep him on Facebook without feeling crappy is because he hardly ever posts anything (maybe once or twice a month. I'm the same way.) and I also have his posts hidden.

 

This was a huge step for me and I'm hoping this eases the pain somewhat. I haven't cried about it at all recently and now I'm just angry with myself that I could care for someone that's so manipulative and didn't even realize it until now. He preached to me about how I need to learn how to be happy being alone and until then, I'm not ready for anything more. Which is a joke considering he's the one that immediately started going girl-crazy after we broke up. Meanwhile, I'm facing the split head on and using this as a time to do things that will make myself proud (i.e. - get good grades this semester). The way I see it now, its his loss. He messed up and played someone who wanted to give him the world. I know one day he'll realize it but by then it'll be too late. It already is too late. As much as I love and care for him, he's not the person he claimed to be and everyday it gets a little easier for me to accept. This site has helped a ton as well and I'm really glad I came here. Honestly, if I haven't gotten all this out, I probably would've still been begging him to talk to me.

 

Anyway, just wanted to get that out there. Sorry for this being kinda long. I just feel really proud of myself, even if I only took one tiny step.

[srhxo]

So it's been a few days since I deleted my ex off of Snapchat and I feel tons better. It's kinda crazy how much better I feel. I went from checking snap pretty much every 10 minutes all day, everyday, to hardly opening it at all other than to use one of the silly filters to take a selfie. I haven't contacted him since the last time and haven't felt the need to at all. I got tired of reaching out and getting nothing positive from it.

 

I've gotten my appetite back, I've been spending more time with my family and my pets, I've been watching more movies that I had put off (I'm a huge fan of horror movies and have actually been considering starting some kind of blog to do reviews on) and I've been doing great with keeping up with my classes and all the work that goes into them. I still have my moments when I feel sad about it, but they're definitely not as intense or drawn out as they were before. I've made it a rule for myself that if I start to feel sad about it, I can only feel sad for a certain amount of time and then I have to carry on with my life. It's helped a lot. I'm also considering deactivating my facebook account for a while so I don't have to see anything about him because his birthday is in a couple weeks. I don't plan on sending him any kind of birthday message because, well, why should I?

 

For the first time since the breakup, I feel free. I don't feel like I'm being held down by the way I feel about him. I deserve so much more than someone who only views me as a backup plan and can't make up their mind about whether or not they love me. Anyway, just figured I'd check up with everyone, so yeah.

[TexasGuy12]

So it's been a few days since I deleted my ex off of Snapchat and I feel tons better. It's kinda crazy how much better I feel. I went from checking snap pretty much every 10 minutes all day, everyday, to hardly opening it at all other than to use one of the silly filters to take a selfie. I haven't contacted him since the last time and haven't felt the need to at all. I got tired of reaching out and getting nothing positive from it.

 

I've gotten my appetite back, I've been spending more time with my family and my pets, I've been watching more movies that I had put off (I'm a huge fan of horror movies and have actually been considering starting some kind of blog to do reviews on) and I've been doing great with keeping up with my classes and all the work that goes into them. I still have my moments when I feel sad about it, but they're definitely not as intense or drawn out as they were before. I've made it a rule for myself that if I start to feel sad about it, I can only feel sad for a certain amount of time and then I have to carry on with my life. It's helped a lot. I'm also considering deactivating my facebook account for a while so I don't have to see anything about him because his birthday is in a couple weeks. I don't plan on sending him any kind of birthday message because, well, why should I?

 

For the first time since the breakup, I feel free. I don't feel like I'm being held down by the way I feel about him. I deserve so much more than someone who only views me as a backup plan and can't make up their mind about whether or not they love me. Anyway, just figured I'd check up with everyone, so yeah.

 

Hey there - so glad you are doing better! It's awesome when you start to feel better after you literally feel like you're at your lowest point.

 

I will give you the same warning that someone very wise gave to me in another thread. There will be a time, sometime in the next couple weeks, where your current feeling leaves, and you'll again remember the good times and think to yourself that "maybe this time if I reach out it will be different.'

 

Don't!

 

It's normal to feel that way. It's normal for good memories to come floating back. But when you get in that mood, please, come back and read your above post. Don't get caught up in the moment.

[srhxo]

Hey there - so glad you are doing better! It's awesome when you start to feel better after you literally feel like you're at your lowest point.

 

I will give you the same warning that someone very wise gave to me in another thread. There will be a time, sometime in the next couple weeks, where your current feeling leaves, and you'll again remember the good times and think to yourself that "maybe this time if I reach out it will be different.'

 

Don't!

 

It's normal to feel that way. It's normal for good memories to come floating back. But when you get in that mood, please, come back and read your above post. Don't get caught up in the moment.

Thank you (:

 

I will admit that I have been coming down from my "pink cloud" but I haven't reached out again and don't plan to. He also hasn't reached out since the last time, either. I've just been seeing a ton of couple-related things on social media and a bunch of my facebook friends have been getting engaged or married, so it's definitely made me feel a lot lonelier than usual. I've also had family issues come up over the weekend and I'm kinda ready to boil over.

 

I don't think I really miss him so much as I miss the idea of him. I did indulge in feeling sad about it for longer than usual today and cried about it for the first time in a couple weeks, but I think it was needed. I'm definitely dreading his birthday coming up and I know that's a day that I'll need to stay as strong as possible, luckily I'll be in class for the majority of that day so I'll probably just go to bed as soon as I get home so I don't have to think about it.

 

I did go to a movie alone last night, more so to get away from the family drama that's going on in my house, but it was nice to do something for myself. Just trying to keep in mind that healing isn't linear and everyone does it at their own pace.