Perfect closure may have been not so perfect. Should I speak with her?

[Yellow13]

First of all, this is going to be a little long, so I would really appreciate if you took a little your time. I don’t really know what to do, so I want to give you the best context for my break up case. On the other hand, English is not my mother language, so I apologize in advance if I commit any syntax error.

 

The case is that my ex-girlfriend and I broke up 6 months ago. We had been together for 4 years, and we were a very good couple, we complemented each other greatly, and we didn’t usually have any fights (I think we only had a big one during our four years together). She even would sometimes show proud of the "good match that we are".

 

We broke up because she didn't feel it anymore, although at the time of breakup she wasn't able to put it into words. I asked her what the reasons could be (if I was no more attractive to her, if there were some things about me that bothered her, or if there was another guy… more on this later). She rapidly denied all of those reasons, she would just say that, whatever happened, she couldn’t feel good with our relationship anymore. So I told her what was the real reason I thought (which I still strongly think is to this day): it was because we needed to move the relationship to another level and explore new experiences (see each other more often, travel to cool places, moving in together), but we couldn't for academic and economic reasons, I was finishing my degree and she had just started her doctorate. I also knew that I had some flaws that weren’t playing to my favour (but nothing I couldn’t fix, I'm already an improved version of myself in the past!). She couldn't even dare to mention the word “breakup”, so I took the responsibility and put it on the table for the sake of her own happiness (not mine because I knew it was going to be very bad for me as I knew how much I loved her). Both were in tears and incredibly saddened at the moment (so I told her that after a year I would contact her again to see how things were doing, to which she firmly agreed).

 

I knew I would lose the most important person in my life, but it was the right thing to do too. We broke up. Of all the outcomes possible, it came out the best one. A sad but perfect ending, with the doors left open for the future, as I thought.

 

Now this is when it gets complicated. Just TWO MONTHS later she reached out to me to cheer me up as she knew that I got injured during a sport event, she would show herself affectionate in her messages. And shortly after I saw on Facebook a picture uploaded by a new guy with her. I felt instant jealous/rage/nausea/sadness, feelings that haven’t gone months later yet. I have been months without knowing about their situation waiting for somebody to tell me (preferably her, but I understand that she hadn’t), until recently a friend of mine confirmed me they are going out together. My bad feelings ARE NOT because she is with another guy (I totally respect that), it is because although she insisted the reason of breakup wasn´t because of she feeling attracted to another person, I got to know very little time after she is supposedly with a new guy! Not just that but, after checking the new guy’s profile on Facebook I saw a picture of him in a mountain near the place my ex lives dated JUST TWO WEEKS AFTER WE BROKE UP!?!? (which NO WAY it was a coincidence since he lives in another country).

 

How was she able to move on so fast!? I don't know since when they are together, maybe at that time they were just friends, but the pain and confusion I so big, to the point I feel BETRAYED! Even months later. Did she lie to me in closure? Now I don't know if I love her or hate her…

 

I Don't know he guy, just that is an old friend of her (from before she even knew about me), he is from another country, but apparently she gets to see him for her doctorate duties. And from what I have seen, he is in a better “position” than me, as it looks like he can share the “higher” relationship goals that I couldn’t, and he is a couple of years older and is in a better financial position than me (he has his own properties).

 

My ex and I have had some contact at widely spaced times during these months. With both reaching out, although she was the one doing it in the first times and me in the last ones. She would write me some sort of long messages to be up to date with her, but she has never told me about the new guy. The rest of time has been just pure No Contact. I know some of you will say it's a clear case of Rebound Relationship, but I don’t know, it has been many months already…

 

At first I was fine, I even think that I was taking the post breakup period fairly well. But since I know about my ex´s new relationship so shortly after we broke up… I get more and more hurt!

 

I feel like I can't move on in any direction. That’s why I think that until my questions above are answered, I won’t find relief.

 

There were things that made me think she was supposedly “The One”: as time passes I find more difficulty in moving on, I have been and have had sex with other women during this time, but I haven’t felt nothing near what I felt being with my ex.

 

I think I have enough reasons to call her and speak about this... I decided to break up because I wanted her to be happy, now I need this questions to be answered for my own good and clear up.

 

I just wanted to know what you people think and would do in my position. Thank you very much for your time

[MzLady]

OP.. I hate to say this, but she didn't move on quickly. From what you stated, she was over the relationship before you even broke up. Breaking up just allowed her to do what she couldn't do while she was still officially with you... date other people. It sucks when one person no longer feels the same as the other.. I've been there. But by the relationship ended, she had already done most of her healing. Unfortunately for you, your hurt and healing process started the day she told you she wanted to end the relationship.

 

Please consider taking a break from social media if that's where you bump into her a lot. Also, blocking her number will help you because you won't be waiting around for contact. It's hard to do, but you'll be glad you did it in the long run and it will help you move on.

 

I wish you the best of luck and hope that you can start moving forward.

[LD1990]

I think I have enough reasons to call her and speak about this... I decided to break up because I wanted her to be happy, now I need this questions to be answered for my own good and clear up.

 

The situation is pretty cut and dry already, you don't need to nor should you call her up.

 

You two were together a long time, and towards the end she stopped feeling as strongly about you. As much as this might hurt to hear, I'd bet that she met this guy before she broke up with you and was with him either before she broke up with you, or right after. That happens often, and considering how quickly her relationship progressed with him, it sounds like that's what happened here.

 

You need to go real NC. Block her on social media and your phone, cut off all contact. She has moved on. You two agreeing to talk again in the future wasn't some romantic gesture, it was her keeping you around as a backup plan. Now you're still hung up on her while she's in a new relationship.

 

Cut her completely out of her life and abandon any false hope that you two are going to be together again. It's hard and it will hurt now, but it's better than wasting months or years hoping that the girl who left you for another guy will come back.

[Blanco]

If someone asked me what my best piece of advice was regarding breakups, it would be this: Closure comes from within, not someone else.