Could really use some help. [update: Ex made contact, my reply shocked me.]

[Versatile_War]

Alright so around four months ago me and my long distance girlfriend split, she broke up with me. After it happened I did the usual, begging, overemotional and bargaining. You name it, most likely it happened. After two long months of that I finally stood up and have been in no contact since with the expectation of just "Happy birthday." to be mature about it. I at first before starting no contact stopped talking with her for a week, we were just friends at that point before. She got very angry and saying ignoring her and our friends was wrong while approaching me but none of them thought taking for myself was wrong. So I then a week later sent a message explaining how i'm relieved it's over i think it's for the best etc. Her responses I could tell had anger in them. Then started no contact. So long story short I really need advice help anything and everything to these questions. Thanks So number one as of two months ago I believe she got involved with someone who is a well known *******. Shes already talking about him visiting (he lives just as far as me) and doing things together we were going to do. Example watch deadpool together. He's the complete opposite of me, this is all happening where I can see it (without looking for it). So could this be an attempt to fill a hole? To hurt me? Should I trust my gut? And can it be a rebound even with lots of time passing? Number two I have extreme mixed feelings about her I care but I don't think I should try to go back.If I were to go back how should I handle her and him? Because i'm well aware it will be in my face. I've been improving myself since, I guess I'm asking what do I do to throw power back to my side in this scenario on the case I want to try to get her back? Returning will give me my own answers on what to do, to try or not. I've done so much reading and research and I'm kind of indifferent but I care still. Number three when I return because I spent two years with her and I'm under control of my emotions, will it all become clear? How she feels? How things are? I assume because I'm better it will be obvious. Thanks everyone if I have more I'll add it

[salparadise]

Number one: as of two months ago I believe she got involved with someone who is a well known *******. Shes already talking about him visiting (he lives just as far as me) and doing things together we were going to do. Example watch deadpool together. He's the complete opposite of me, this is all happening where I can see it (without looking for it). So could this be an attempt to fill a hole? To hurt me? Should I trust my gut? And can it be a rebound even with lots of time passing?

 

Number two: I have extreme mixed feelings about her I care but I don't think I should try to go back. If I were to go back how should I handle her and him? Because i'm well aware it will be in my face.

 

Number three: when I return because I spent two years with her and I'm under control of my emotions, will it all become clear? How she feels? How things are? I assume because I'm better it will be obvious.

 

1. No, she's just moving on with her life. It's not about you.

 

2. It sounds like she is done, but you haven't accepted it. She broke up with you––going back is not an option unless she changes her mind, which it doesn't seem like something she's of a mind to do.

 

3. No. Even if you were to get back together, things will not become crystal clear. But this question is based on a premise (the IF part) that probably will not exist.

 

You should just accept that it's over. You've already begged and pleaded. She's with someone else. She has made her choice and made it clear. Running "what if" scenarios through your head will keep you stuck. Let it go. Date other people. Move on with your life and don't think about her and the other guy anymore. Go No Contact, permanently.

[smudge21]

You say you're no contact, yet know every little detail about her life? Sorry, but which is it? To me it sounds like you're just orbitting around her now, living just outside her life and not living your own (as she is doing). Definitely not NC in anyway. Your other statements confirm this as you are still very much addicted to this girl and are not in any way whatsoever healing from this.

 

You want to heal? Then start NC and follow it to the letter. Every time you hear or find something out about her will always set you back. I know how hard it can be to let go, to knock them off that pedestal, but only time and no contact can do that. Only you can do that. You say you want the power back, but you've done nothing to try to grab it. She's moved on, you need to do the same. Only over time will you be able to see her for what she has become now. It's always the hardest thing to accept that someone we once loved so much no longer cares about us, but often that acceptance is the only time we truly are able to heal.

[bummer]

1. Maybe it's a rebound. Yes she filled a hole. And by no means is it to hurt you. She moved on and found a new guy she liked. Simple.

 

2. I am interpreting your mixed feelings as not 100% attracted to your ex. That means you definitely shouldn't contact them. The only power shift is in your head when you take your dignity back and stick to NC. YOU CANNOT CHANGE HER MIND.AND CANNOT TAKE CONTROL OF THE SITUATION. SHE IS GONE. keep working on in difference.

 

3. Return where? To her? That would be terrible. You'll be left with more questions. Remove the opportunities for your ex to disappoint you. You'll never get the clarity you want since life truly is lived in shades of grey. For example, your ex's feelings towards you over time should move towards in difference as she accepts she made the right decision and ACTS accordingly. You won't win her back, don't try.

 

Stop getting news on them. Go NC.

[Versatile_War]

1. No, she's just moving on with her life. It's not about you.

 

2. It sounds like she is done, but you haven't accepted it. She broke up with you––going back is not an option unless she changes her mind, which it doesn't seem like something she's of a mind to do.

 

3. No. Even if you were to get back together, things will not become crystal clear. But this question is based on a premise (the IF part) that probably will not exist.

 

You should just accept that it's over. You've already begged and pleaded. She's with someone else. She has made her choice and made it clear. Running "what if" scenarios through your head will keep you stuck. Let it go. Date other people. Move on with your life and don't think about her and the other guy anymore. Go No Contact, permanently.

Thanks for taking the time to respond, I really appreciate it. The reason why I actually asked those questions in number one, (sorry I left out so much because I didn't wanna rant) what I meant by right where I can see it people being sent by her to tell me this is happening (they confirm it right away) and as for my no contact I'm going full as hard as I can the only thing I know is this guy situation, the thing these people were relaying. I have absolute zero knowledge of her, just this, I know what it's doing and to do what I need for myself. Number two i'm really just asking for insight on those i'm still inexperienced, your right I could be not really sure myself. And number three I I meant as in return to friends and her (I agree 100%) to answer questions like are these the kind of people I should be around, as for power back to my side I really want equality, indifference. rather than it feeling like she has all the power. The rest were just what if I'm wondering about, I shouldn't think on those but i'm curious.Thanks again.

[Versatile_War]

You say you're no contact, yet know every little detail about her life? Sorry, but which is it? To me it sounds like you're just orbitting around her now, living just outside her life and not living your own (as she is doing). Definitely not NC in anyway. Your other statements confirm this as you are still very much addicted to this girl and are not in any way whatsoever healing from this.

 

You want to heal? Then start NC and follow it to the letter. Every time you hear or find something out about her will always set you back. I know how hard it can be to let go, to knock them off that pedestal, but only time and no contact can do that. Only you can do that. You say you want the power back, but you've done nothing to try to grab it. She's moved on, you need to do the same. Only over time will you be able to see her for what she has become now. It's always the hardest thing to accept that someone we once loved so much no longer cares about us, but often that acceptance is the only time we truly are able to heal.

Thank you very much for responding, I haven't any knowledge of her life just the stuff that was with this guy that was relayed directly to me (they just told me straight out when I asked why but didn't really explain anything specific expect for the fact they were asked to tell me) so that's really why I was wondering was it to hurt me? etc. I 'm very half and half I suppose. Not knowing how to feel I know this definitely made harder for me to heal. I agree with you I guess my mixed state is delaying me. So what could I add to improve for my mixed state to push toward healing? Your response really helped.

[Versatile_War]

1. Maybe it's a rebound. Yes she filled a hole. And by no means is it to hurt you. She moved on and found a new guy she liked. Simple.

 

2. I am interpreting your mixed feelings as not 100% attracted to your ex. That means you definitely shouldn't contact them. The only power shift is in your head when you take your dignity back and stick to NC. YOU CANNOT CHANGE HER MIND.AND CANNOT TAKE CONTROL OF THE SITUATION. SHE IS GONE. keep working on in difference.

 

3. Return where? To her? That would be terrible. You'll be left with more questions. Remove the opportunities for your ex to disappoint you. You'll never get the clarity you want since life truly is lived in shades of grey. For example, your ex's feelings towards you over time should move towards in difference as she accepts she made the right decision and ACTS accordingly. You won't win her back, don't try.

 

Stop getting news on them. Go NC.

Really helpful you have my gratitude, I was wondering if it was to hurt me because people were sent to tell me they told me they were but that was the only thing that was specific. What else could I do to help acquire indifference? And lasty return to my group of friends, which she is a part of, I want the indifference you see? It would mean I can return and it's all over. Thanks

[bummer]

You are hearing second hand that she meant to make you mad. Honestly it doesn't matter. If yes, it's petty on her part.

 

Indifference is the final stage of most grieving following denial sadness anger and acceptance. You are not the highlander and unfortunately acquiring indifference will take time. When you see her and feel NO pangs of guilt, love, hurt, or sadness youve made it. Could be weeks, months, years.

 

Don't short circuit your grieving. Work through all of it or this will bite you. Feel all your feels.

 

You can make new friends or socialize with some without her presence for now.

[Versatile_War]

After a very tremendous nine months and every emotion from A-Z I can officially say I grew from my experience. Shortly after my first post (being very emotional and immature during it) and receiving much needed advice. I entered NC immediately accelerating my healing times one thousand, true absolute NC. Complete removal, the works. So recently my ex who left me back in February reached out twice the first I ignored because it's context was ridiculous and I valued my own health and progress more. A month later the second message arrives. I've at this point been in no contact for five months, It stated how much she missed me while asking how I was with no indication of why she was telling me this, and clearly nothing to determine her motive. I decided to respond two days later after thinking abit with a simple "What do you want?" She replied a restating "miss ya and wanted to see how you were". I said "Ok, but what do you want? you messaged me just to tell me that?" being extremely forward. She continued with questioning my well being, said I'm fine. This is were I began to surprise myself I felt nothing from what she was telling me so one final time I just asked even more forwardly "Why are you telling me you miss me? What do you want? She replied with "To be friends, and why you removed me? It's been bugging me." My final return was "Please don't bother me anymore." I got an Immediate "Fine." ending the conversation. I was happy, shocked I was different proud I did what I needed to for me. So opinions? Did I handle it correctly? Was it her handing out breacrumbs? Does she not realize how selfish she seems? Could I potentially be bothered again? Has anyone ever been pursued further after this kind of thing? It almost restarted my progress. Thanks everyone :]

[Toodaloo]

No need to worry and what she did was predictable.

 

Just carry on.

[Eternal Sunshine]

She has a lull in her dating life and was looking for a confidence boost. You didn't give her one, good for you!

[Marco Valerio]

Well done mate. You didn't go for her game!!!

[spiderowl]

She genuinely missed you as a friend. It is possible to miss someone's company and not really want to be their girlfriend. You did the right thing for you though.