I was THAT close..

[gaig]

Hi everyone. I was googling around when I met this forum and I liked it because it does have some real stories. That immediately surrounded me with some kind of unexpected warmth..

 

Before you start reading, I have to tell you it’s about a sad story.. If you are not into that, better off skip this thread..

 

THE BEGINNING

 

I was a telecoms consultant for years and during a project I had to spend in Manila quite some time. I’m not really a fan of the kind of mini skirt hunting championship is taking place over there and after the first 1-2 months of “game” I got bored and preferred to stay single. I like nice and simple girls to be honest, with a kind heart.

 

Then (about 2,5+ years ago) I met this scared and curious, low profile Korean girl. To cut it short, the beginning was quite difficult, but her character and story won me entirely. She was sent there ALONE (father decided the mother to take care of him) with her 9 and 11 year old stepbrothers to take them to school because her father thought that only in this country they will learn English (that’s a joke). And she had to stop uni in korea (can you believe these guys?). What I want to say here.. she is a simple girl.

 

She was 20 and I was 30. It took her months to trust me her story, finally we fell for each other. After a year she told me that when she was 11(!) her mother disappeared for a year and she had to babysit her step-brothers and manage a step-dad who was obviously resentful to her because she reminded him of her mother. Imagine, 3 years in Manila, the father never visited, never called the kids, never sent Xmas presents. And of course she never had time for herself to go uni there, etc, sitting all day in a house and managing siblings, maids, bills..

 

Initially, I tried a lot to get her revolt, but I wasn’t familiar with her culture yet and it took me a long time to understand how much massaging it did require (plus that my temperament is rather Mediterranean).

 

THE BOND

 

We spent two amazing years, always together she needed me as much I needed her.. We travelled a lot, I helped her with English (well, my version of English), I moved next to her house, spent time altogether with her brothers (cinema, basketball, beach). When her mother visited I would take them out for party and had a lot of fun that they never had in Korea. She also visited my hometown a few times, I went to korea as well. Both getting along and having good time with each other’s family. We finally moved together, she got a job and tried to live a more normal life together. Both admitted, that was the best time in our lives.

 

She was what I wanted, she was expressing her love in so many ways and we had great time even all alone, eg spending at home long nights with drinks and music -our homemade party- until we both pass out from alcohol! You can understand that a person like her is deep inside depressed, but we managed to fight it without actually ever addressing it.

 

Of course we had some bad moments. Especially the time she had nothing to do during her day, among four walls, and this idle situation just magnifying all minor issues (for me). I am also a difficult character, but the moment we moved together and she started working as well, we didn’t really fight again!

 

THE MUTUAL EVOLUTION

 

But it wasn’t for a long period. The problem was we both didn’t like manila.. When her parents start thinking to take her siblings back, I pushed her to immediately leave the country! So we decided to leave together. I would try a startup in Singapore and she would study. I supported her will to go Melbourne and study, because it is the best for her now, even if we don’t make it. I knew she wasn’t ready, but I was prepared to support her with all my strength.

 

So just before she left to Melbourne, we had a 10 day trip to Korea where I realized this girl is the ONE for me! I decided I will propose when we go holidays again. Ofc, we wouldn’t marry immediately, but after the completion of her studies (that’s common). From time to time she would talk about life together, house, wedding and twins (!) and I was sure she would say agree at once.

 

Brainstorming the proposal.. I had some very nice photos of us throughout these 3 years, so I selected 80 of them and wrote at the back side some nice feelings, remarks, etc and the last one would have the proposal; like a diary that I was going to read to her sometime! She would love that! Started looking for a ring, etc.

 

Also made a plan for the immediate future; would meet on monthly basis(!) and every 3 months that she has two weeks off, we would spend it together. We would share a condo together in Melbourne so that she doesn’t have to stay in a sharing ****hole. 2 years would pass fast. Then we would stay together, wherever. My job does well, she could join me in asia. Or I could also move to Australia if this is what WE decide. I was open to everything. So, all set! Proposal and plan for the future!

 

MY BRAIN GOT STUCK PERIOD

 

However, I never communicated that to her. Instead of 1-2 months in Europe to prepare my next step in asia, it took me 4. And it was killing me. Plus all the remorse for her; she was there all alone, sharing even a room with other girl, she needed my help desperately. Calling me and crying every day about when I will visit her, if I had ticket..

 

The last two months she even started working as a waitress in a Korean restaurant just to fill up her time. She got more pressed and then confused which usually has a negative outcome. (I knew she’s like that). She could understand I wasn’t happy, but I didn’t really communicated at what extent. Neither my plan for us. My mistake, I know.. During the last month, I couldn’t really talk to her. I felt so bad about this situation. You could say I was depressed, insomnia was dominating me.

 

So 3 months passed, 4 months passed, until one day I woke up! I said f*** it, I will go to her right now! I booked tickets plus all the things that she was asking for months to do together in melbourne. One of these days she called and said AGAIN she is getting tired and she asked for the last time to go to her. I just said I need few days to think about it (to prepare the perfect surprise). How stupid..

 

FIRST CLOUDS

 

Told her JUST after 3 days and said I decided to go (not clearly I have a ticket) and then she asked for some time to think about it because she was feeling bad. I said ok and didn’t mention the ticket because I didn’t want to push her with that. I MEAN, HOW STUPID …?!

 

I couldn’t change her mind in the next days, maybe I pushed her a bit there. She said that she still had feelings for me, but when I said I was going, she wasn’t that excited as she expected to be, it didn’t really make her that happy as it would before. I was dying! Ofc, didn’t mention the proposal thing. She still didn’t know anything about my plans.

 

MY UNCONDITIONAL FIGHT FOR HER 

So, NC for 2 weeks (I know, too short, but that was the ticket) and showed up in Melbourne. She was excited, met same day for a coffee; no relationship agenda to chill things out, but after 30 minutes she was so stressed with my presence. Met after a couple of days, I recognized my communication mistakes, that I left her trying alone for a month (month 3 to 4), I explained my LDR plan (meet every month, then together, etc, nothing about proposal), I said am not expecting anything from you right now, just take your time and think about it. She was extremely stressed, she didn’t say a word for an hour! We left. I was devastated, but I had to support my words..

After days alone there she called 2am, bit tipsy, said she had still feelings for me, sorry avoiding me and we should meet for dinner. She never recalled that phonecall. We met just few more times, one day she was warm, the other cold, just the last day she talked to her mother and cousin and decided we try my plan! We kissed passionately, but I didn’t push for something more since I proposed and she agreed we move with baby steps.

That was few hours before my flight, she was happy and positive. Agreed I would visit AGAIN in 3 weeks, scheduled next trip in korea, etc. For me was the most difficult moment of my life. I was THAT close to move my ticket and stay one more week to get stable. But I promised baby steps.. HOW STUPID, REALLY…?! Guys, you don’t always need to be gentlemen, you can cheat a bit..

 

So I left.. the first week she was happy and was calling me more frequently than “baby steps”, but then she was on and off for the next 2 weeks.

All of a sudden, just 3 days before my visit, she called me late, bit tipsy again, she had very good time with her friends, she said she took her decision, she loves me, my 2 year plan is good, she knows we can do it, let’s do it! Next day plans again for my visit!

Morning before my flight, dinner is confirmed! By the time I landed there was a message “I don’t want you to pick me up, I’m tired, lets meet tomorrow”. Super typical. It wasn’t going well.

 

Next day.. THE disaster! She didn’t want to talk about anything, she was very stressed again, I mentioned her words few days ago and she didn’t remember anything again (I should have learned my lesson and record her when she’s tired). I admit I was very repetitive by saying that I was THERE because of OUR decision and that 3 days ago she opened her heart again, in other words I pushed her and that was it. It must have been PMS as well, but as a guy didn’t realize that in time. She said for example many times her feelings are not the same. I tried to explain it was due to no physical contact for 4-5 months, but she’s too young to grasp that. She categorically said she doesn’t want to try anymore, she knows my feelings but it’s too late, she took her decision, she doesn’t want me in her life. I wished she was older that moment..

 

Anyway, I left her alone, did an amazing roadtrip in Victoria and contacted her only after 10 days that I was leaving Australia, whether she wanted to meet a last time. No expectations from my side. No talk about relationship, the thing was over.

 

However, even if she was so tired (she returned from work 2am), she was warm. Just had a friendly chat (she had just started a second job even if she doesn’t need the money, but you can understand how excited is a girl who defines her life for the first time, at 22), I did the roadtrip, etc. I gave her some things she had asked this time and then in that bag there was my diary! She saw that, so I had to explain that this is something very personal, I was preparing this for quite a long time and it was for a special occasion. No hint about proposal, I didn’t even have the ring with me. That was the first time she pushed me to take it.. She said she needed to know. She said it will help her get clear. How could I say no? Her eyes were wet.. And she agreed that last time we met (the disaster) she said things she didn’t mean. My whole heart was there wide open, in her hands. I was supposed to read that to her.. We had a look together in a couple of photos and I left. I could have kissed her again, but now I knew that would confuse her even more.

 

SUDDEN DEATH?

 

We talk one more time to confirm what we said last time, we even discussed about her taking a break and visiting me in singapore. She was still warm.

Two days later, my grandma (that I am closer to her even than my mother) had a heart attack. It was bad, we thought we will lose her. My mother put her on facetime, she also asked me to apologize to her if she dies before she sees her again –a lot of drama- since they had a very good connection besides the language barrier. I needed her that night and I called and texted many times (up to 10), no reply. I forgot it was the grand opening of her second restaurant job. She called, I was sleeping. So next day I texted to explain what happened and apologized for the number of calls.

 

So what’s next..? She called me after work, I didn’t hear it and instantly she changed all her instant messaging accounts including her Instagram! That’s it.. no explanation.

 

I reckon she didn’t have time yet to read the photos, because she was planning to do this after the weekend on her day off. Or she read and thought I am proposing through the diary and she freaked out??? That’s stupid. Or by calling her so many times on the previous day she saw a super needy guy that cannot act normally? But I explained the reason. Or she thought that was just an excuse to call her again (although last time we talked she was considering visiting me for a weekend)? Add to that she is spending all day with some young girls in early twenties and I know by experience there are the worst ever advisors in such cases, especially these girls around her with no caliber, no studies, no plans for the future.

 

WHAT’S NEXT

 

Anyway, I realize it’s over. For some reason she really wants me out of her life even if I don’t know what happened in the end. I have to move on. I can always find ways to text her (skype SMS to mobile), but this will probably stress her even more. I know even if she comes back to me right now, soon we will go through the same again.

 

It is difficult to fight her age. And I think after that the LDR perspective was just scaring her; she never said that though. And she never realized that nobody else will do so many things and be so patient for her.

 

What is my point? I will move on, I need to get my pieces together, stick that ring deep in my.. brain so I learn from my mistakes. Meanwhile, part of my plan was sometime in the future to try to get a nice job in Melbourne, I like the place and I have friends there. But I won’t contact her; she will immediately think I did it for her and freak out even more.

 

Period. It is over. But let me hear your thoughts on the following..

 

Question one, would you advise me to avoid this step in my life? Let’s say I walk around with my future girlfriend and meet her on the street in melbourne. How dangerous would that be for my mental health after 1-2 years? Can that hold me back? I like the place much more than asia.

 

Question two, let’s say I move there and I meet her a few times accidently (not stalking guys) and finally we go just for a coffee. Should we get to know our “new selves” again? Provided we aren’t in serious relationships, she finally knows what she wants and her mind is clear (not 2 jobs). Or should I demystify all the good things about her from now?

 

This question derives from the quality of our previous relationship, the great time while staying together (while lots of couples survive the LDR, but split when it’s time to stay under the same roof), our parents loving both of us and having altogether so much fun even with a huge language barrier, me definitely being a new guy by then AND with the barrier of distance not existing anymore.

 

Question three and the most immediate one; last day we met, one of the photos I read to her was one from her first month in Australia from her room (the one she is sharing) which looks like in a hospital and I noticed she has no pillows, while she always needed two. She said that with class and work and dinner after, she is always so tired that she can just sleep. I felt bad and kind of responsible. So few days later, before she disappeared, I ordered and sent her two pillows that they must be arriving these days. I feel I have to tell her I bought them before she disappeared and I am not trying to buy her back with just two silly pillows, but on the other side I don’t want to override her decision to cut all communication channels and stress her even more.

 

I cannot apologize enough for the length of this post, but I guess I needed to write it down..

Edited May 27, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
resubmitted by request ~6

[LD1990]

Wow honestly I tried to get through that but I had to skim it at some points, that was quite the saga. Look the key to all this came in your very first post. "She was 20 and I was 30." She was way too young for you, she's still figuring her life out. Your relationship was fun for her, for a time, and then when it became too much work she pulled back and got hot and cold with you.

 

Go NC. Live wherever you want. Abandon any fantasies of you and her reuniting, they're only going to hold you back. You are both just in completely different places in life. If she asks about the pillows, just tell her you got them awhile ago, then cut all contact with her.

[Satu]

Time to look forward at the options open to you.

 

You shared something meaningful, but it came to its natural end point.

 

Work at making peace with that.

 

 

Take care.

[gaig]

Thanks for the replies..

 

I will move on, on first *good* opportunity I guess. Why? Because I am a realist.

I never missed her and her alone.. That's clear for me. I missed her and myself together. And I know that even if she comes back now (0% chance actually), it wont work.

 

 

I am just wondering if there is any chance she sees that the way I do, especially when she grows and bit older, stabilizes and knows what she wants.. For me is the first time I break up without actually having a problem or a fight or something problematic. It's sad and that's why i have a broken heart. I left her trying alone on the communication for quite some time and, yes, initially it was all my fault. But it feels like it ended by accident, by a bad timing of few days magnitude.

 

Is this only my perception as a realist or of a person with a fresh wound?

Edited May 27, 2016 by gaig