Unemployed and abusive boyfriend dumped me, but I still want him back

[GoldenRetriever]

m a quite successful woman in my early thirties, and my boyfriend for one year just broke up with me in the most humiliating way possible. He actually dragged me through mud (literally) and (unintentionally) made me fall down the stairs when i tried to chase him and grab on to him.

 

We met more than a year ago. He was in his late twenties, has been through 3 different colleges and has not earned a degree. His mother is a widow and let him do whatever he wants, buying him an expensive car even if they don't have much money and spending thousands just to maintain it. He is unemployed and said he cannot work because he does not have a degree and his mom gives him money anyway.

 

His mother walks around in the house in her underwear when changing clothes to show him her new dress, or skimpy clothes before going to bed. Sometimes, when I'm not around, they sleep on the same bed. The first few times i slept over, his mom slept between the two of us- literally, we three shared the same bed. When we talk, she would always follow us and insert herself in our conversations. 90% of the time.

 

Once, we went out of town, and his mother was crying and mad when we returned, rolled on the floor holding a knife, saying that she will kill herself because her baby boy is corrupted, and what will the neighbors think?

 

Because of this we moved out. I paid for most of the expenses, he shared a bit. Then he started breaking up with me over little things, curtains, bringing the wrong type of food, being late for an hour because i did the groceries. He would pack his things and go home to his mom, saying that i could not give him the love and care that his mom could. Oh, did i tell you that his mom had a shrine dedicated to him? It's an entire wall with his medal and awards from elementary school. An entire freaking shrine. Beside these were albums with his nail clippings, his locks of hair, the flowers he wore during first communion and various ceremonies, and his written tests from grade school.

 

When we're together, she would call him 10-20 times, making him drive 40 kilometers just to help her withdraw money from the bank or send a text message because she didn't know how. Of course he would go running to her.

 

He had broken up with me for the littlest of things, each time calling me terrible things. He hurt me physically a few times, saying that he did it because i was in the way and I deserve it. He hacked into my emails then slammed me to the ground when he read my old emails to the guy i used to date. I was bruised up - he said it was my fault because i was in the way.

 

I paid for a lot for him since he did not have money of his own -- I bought him a television, clothes, shoes, bags, paid for his meals, a couple of plane tickets

 

After living with each other at our own place for several months, he said we had to go back to his mother's place because there was a "ghost" in that place. I acceded even though it meant driving four hours a day from his mom's place to my office. He contributed to gas money, sometimes driving me so I won't be too tired. Of course i was tired everytime i came "home", but he got mad at me and called me lazy because I didn't clean their house or sometimes forgot to do the dishes.

 

Anyway, the last breakup was caused by me voicing out my concern: he said he wanted to go back to school but it would take around two to three years and that we have to live in his mom's house. I said if i waited for that long to have a baby, we might not be able to have one.

 

He exploded and said i was not being supportive, threw all my things in my car then broke up and made me leave. Me, being stupid, clung to him and followed him, begging for forgiveness. He said, I don't want you, I don't love you, you are a liability and you destroyed my life since we got together. He told me i was ugly and damaged and negative and fat (for the record, I think i look pretty cute). He said he would rather cut his arm off instead of going back together with me.

 

As a background, this scenario happened at least 20 times before, and a week after breaking up we would get back together (with me making up with him) and saying that he only said those words because he was mad, and he didn't mean them.

 

As for me, yes i am clingy during the four hours we would spend at night before going to bed. Not physically, but just wanting to lay back, watch tv. I never stopped him from going out, drinking, all that guy stuff. But he said i made him feel guilty so he would just stay with me. Honestly, when I'm with him and we're not fighting, I'm perfectly happy and at peace.

 

I am undergoing counseling, and everyone who knows about it (my mom, a couple of friends) says that he is an abusive, narcissistic jerk. I know this. The problem is, i love him and can't stop thinking about him. I know if i tried, we would get back together, like before.

 

I know he is bad for me. What do i do? I think about him all the time and I want to get back together with him. I can't get him out of my mind and I am anxious and depressed.

Edited May 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[ExpatInItaly]

Continue your counselling. Delete his number from your phone, delete his email, social media contacts, everything. Block him as well, so he is unable to contact you. If he finds you and lays a finger on you in anger, phone the police. Instruct your loved ones to do the same.

 

Up your counselling if you need to. This man has already caused so much damage. The problem in abusive relationships, and I have been in one myself, is that we come to feel so horrible about ourselves that we are desperately seeking any sign that he still "loves" us, thus validating us. We get trapped in that awful cycle partly because we have come to feel so worthless that any affirmation from our abusers gives us hope and takes us back into the cycle.

 

You still want him back because you haven't had a real break from him. You haven't built yourself back up to see him for who he really is, and know that you can do 1000x better. You still want him back because you're still in that toxic fog that so many abused women (and men) find themselves in. This is why it is imperative that you shut down all communication with him, if you truly want to heal and move on.

 

He won't change. He is a sick man with a horribly unhealthy relationship with his mom, and a violent streak that will one day cause you serious physical harm. Your therapist can help you understand why you continue to attach so much value to him, and so little to yourself. Print off your post and bring it to your next therapy appointment.

 

Your ex-boyfriend is right about one thing: you should not have a baby together. Ever. A child doesn't deserve to be brought up in that type of abusive environment. You get a say in whether you stay or go; a baby doesn't. That's not fair. If you think for one moment he would not abuse a child, think again. Look at the eff'ed-up relationship he has with his own mother. That is his model for parenting; he will repeat it, mixed in with physical abuse. Do you really want to put an innocent soul through all of this? Of course not.

 

I would strongly advise you also to seek out Domestic Violence support groups in your area. Speaking with other women who have been in your shoes can be tremendously enlightening and empowering. They can also sadly serve as cautionary tales about what your future holds if you don't leave this man forever.

Edited May 4, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[d0nnivain]

Talk to your therapist.

 

 

Meanwhile, re-read what you wrote about him over and over until you understand he's no good for you.

 

 

Write a series of affirmations starting with "I can do better" and read them over & over.

 

 

Whatever you do, don't go back to him. There is no upside for you. Next time he throws you down a flight of stairs he may break your neck & leave you paralyzed. Then what? He certainly won't take care of you.

[Captivating]

Hi GoldenRetriver,

I agree a 100% with ExpatInItaly, I couldn't have given you a better advice.

Please listen to this advice and start implementing it, it is crucial for your well-being.

I keep telling everyone that what you are experiencing is the withdrawal, it is a completely normal process and it takes time. Give yourself time away from him to start moving forward with your life. In 3-4 months you will start to see the situation and him more clearly. He will be off the "pedestal", you will see.

In a way you are seeing things correctly what is right and wrong BUT you keep accepting and obeying to his every needs.

 

He is an adult who is fully capable supporting himself but he doesn't because Mom spoiled him growing up and enabling this lazy, selfish behavior. If he doesn't get what he wants he throws a tantrum like toddlers. Not only that, but he talks to you and treats you disrespectfully which is totally uncalled for and mean.

Let's face it, he is a spoiled brat. Sorry!

What did he achieve in life that he is so proud of? Not much so far!

How dare he treat people with such arrogance and abuse?? It is not right!

 

Please don't accept this behavior from anyone especially from your significant other. He will never be able to function in a relationship especially not as a dad!

I doubt he will ever change.

His relationship with his mother is beyond messed up. It put a smile on my face, though.

 

"I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY ! I ACCEPT AND LOVE MYSELF UNCONDIONALLY RIGHT NOW! " Put this affirmation on a sticky note on your bathroom mirror and read it everytime you brush your teeth. (2-3 times a day!)

 

I saw this in a documentary "HUNGRY FOR CHANGE" on Netflix, please watch it. It's a great documentary, I highly recommend it.

 

You are a nice person and you deserve way better than this, don't you agree ?

I know it is hard to move on, I did it myself a couple of times in my life, it is part of the learning process, I guess

It has to be done, though. You owe it to yourself.

 

Break all contacts and block him. FOCUS ON YOURSELF! Be picky with your next boyfriend candidate. He supposed to be loving, compassionate, responsible, caring, thoughtful with a JOB ! at least. ( a good sense of humor and good looks are a plus

 

Trust me, I know you can do it! Take care of yourself. Let us know how things are.

Edited May 4, 2016 by Captivating

[Captivating]

Hi again

Would you please watch this video ??

It's about breakups, how your brain works.

I think it is great.

 

 

Also another one of why women want to get back together with abusive men sometimes ....trauma bonding...

 

Edited May 4, 2016 by Captivating

[GoldenRetriever]

Thanks everyone, this is really strengthening my resolve. But what I can't get over is hown much he doesn't care and how this is so easy for him. Like one year out the window, just nothing to him. I watched the videos and it made sense. However, i texted him because some of my important stuff is still at his place and no reply. Like I feel like i am scum of the earth or whatever. Tell me, does it get better? Will it get better? He makes it seem like I am the crazy one and he's the normal one, when all signs point to what a narcissistic [person] he really is.

Edited May 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[GoldenRetriever]

I am taking anti anxiety and sleep meda so I can function. Maybe because I am a defense lawyer and I am used to defending people lile thos. I am making up excuses for his behavior. He made it seem that his lack of motivation and bumming around is because of how dependent I am on him. And sometimes I believe him.

[MsJayne]

Yeah, you're in a relationship with Norman Bates. Any minute now this guy will be dressing in his Mummy's frocks and talking in a lady voice. He probably already hides in her closet and fondles and sniffs the fabric. All the vicious stuff he aims at you....it's really his Mummy he wants to scream and shout at, and no wonder, he wants to be a grown up but she just won't let him. Crazy people don't know they're crazy, and unless you're a psychiatrist I'm saying get this angry little boy and his kooky mother-slash-girlfriend out of your life before you end up buried in a shallow grave in the woods. You think you're in love with him, but you're really in love with the idea of gaining acceptance from a person who keeps rejecting and abusing you. Has anyone else in your life rejected and abused you, any other significant male figure? Make like The Ginger Bread Man and run, run, run. You'll get a small self esteem boost from being the one who initiates the final break.

Note: If he's a typical Narcissist he'll go berserk if you dump him, threaten you, tell you his Mummy always hated you, etc. Then, if you stick to your guns he'll start trying to woo you back by being Mr Nice Guy. Do not fall for this. If you do, the moment he feels safe in the relationship again the abuse will come back ten times worse.

[Captivating]

Thanks everyone, this is really strengthening my resolve. But what I can't get over is hown much he doesn't care and how this is so easy for him. Like one year out the window, just nothing to him. I watched the videos and it made sense. However, i texted him because some of my important stuff is still at his place and no reply. Like I feel like i am scum of the earth or whatever. Tell me, does it get better? Will it get better? He makes it seem like I am the crazy one and he's the normal one, when all signs point to what a narcissistic d-bag her really is.

 

No, he seems to be a narcissist and he is the "scum" not you. When you get dumped, you feel rejected and it feels awful. Yes, it will get better, but stay away from him. If you need to pick up something at his place take a friend with you and be short. You are quite accomplished and he is not. I bet he feels bad about it. He cannot forget you, don't worry.

 

He is FAR from being a catch on every level ! Another problem is that his mom has serious abandonment issues.

 

Try to envision the future together ...... it's pretty hard, isn't it?

 

Watch the meds you are taking ! Are they compatible? Make sure!

Give yourself time and shift your focus on LOVING yourself. Your self-esteem needs an overhaul ! It will get there, start believing in yourself that you are a great person, you have a lot to offer and you don't deserve a guy like that in your life. RAISE THE BAR AND YOUR STANDARDS !!!

Good night!

Edited May 5, 2016 by Captivating

[GoldenRetriever]

So I messaged him and said goodbye and I couldn't take his abuse anymore. I feel really bad but I know this is the right thing to do. He is crazy, I know it. There were times that I didn't even want him to touch me, to be honest. His touch made me recoil. I don't why I miss him and I'm crying though.

 

Oh, i forgot to say this. He lives with his uncle who's a pedophile, preying on young boys. He touched my ex's friends and cousins, and he said "O it's fine, he's family" ???

 

He also lives with his 50+ year old bum uncle who throws tantrums whenever that don't give him money, so there's that. Maybe no one really set a good example to him, that's why he feels what he's doing is right or justified...

[GoldenRetriever]

I wish I was just making this all up, but I'm not. And I wish I could see him for what he really is. I got an epiphany this evening and my skin started to crawl and I got shivers down my spine and I got so mad. I hope it's a sign from a higher power that I should stop this insanity. I mustered up enough courage and messaged him that I don't deserve the way that he treated me and that women should be respected. I hope I don't backslide then come running after him again after this...

[smudge21]

Love makes us blind - doesn't matter how bad the person is, if we love them, we fail to accept their faults, or even think we can fix them and make them into that person we want them to be. The hardest thing ever is giving up on someone you love, especially when you know staying with them is wrong. You love him. That's not a fault. I still have feelings for someone who treated me like dirt (nothing as bad as what you went through though). We don't control who we fall for, or who we don't fall for - it just happens. You also can't force yourself to not love him. All you can do is take your time and let go. You've been through pure hell with this low life piece of s**t (sorry, there's no other way to describe him) and at some point you will be free of these feelings for him and then and only then will you see the truth. By then you'll be in a much better place, free to meet someone who not only treats you right but truly loves and respects you. Do whatever you can to stay away from this scum and his nasty family - it will hurt and there's no quick fix, but the hard work will be worth it. Cut off all contact with him and make today the first day of the rest of your better, and happier, life.

[SoulCat]

I mustered up enough courage and messaged him that I don't deserve the way that he treated me and that women should be respected.

 

 

Stop texting him. Not only will it keep you 'attached' to him, he will also not change just because you texted him some home truths.

 

 

I hope I don't backslide then come running after him again after this...

 

 

Then do this, right now, immediately:

 

Continue your counselling. Delete his number from your phone, delete his email, social media contacts, everything. Block him as well, so he is unable to contact you. If he finds you and lays a finger on you in anger, phone the police. Instruct your loved ones to do the same.

 

 

Go completely No Contact. Remove yourself permanently from this insanely toxic man, and his family. Seek strength through counselling, your family and friends. Look forward, not back.

 

 

Good luck.

[Zahara]

I mustered up enough courage and messaged him that I don't deserve the way that he treated me and that women should be respected. I hope I don't backslide then come running after him again after this...

 

Stop texting him. He doesn't care what you think or what you believe you deserve. Do you think he actually cares how women should be treated? If there was any awareness or self-reflection into his behavior, you wouldn't be where you are with this man. His issues are ingrained. He's wired this way. Your words make zero impact. If anything, he's looking at your messages and dismissing your every word.

 

Block him. Delete his number -- better yet, change your number. Do not allow him access to you in any form. Toxic relationships are very difficult to detach from because you've been conditioned overtime into submission and a very skewed perception of what's acceptable/unacceptable. That's why you feel you're the crazy one. You don't love this man -- you're addicted to dysfunction. The more he rejects you or treats you badly the more you work hard at gaining his acceptance. He's broken you down.

 

The only way to break the cycle is to go cold turkey NC. Detox. Reprogram.

 

All this texting -- what's right and acceptable/how you can't take the abuse -- he does not give two hoots about what you think. He's likely smirking and enjoying the fact that you're squirming.

[d0nnivain]

Maybe because I am a defense lawyer and I am used to defending people lile thos. .

 

As a defense lawyer you know they are guilty. Your job is to protect society's constitutional rights by making sure the worst of the worst have theirs respected. It's never been about innocence.

 

If you are struggling, call your state bar association. Ask them about their Lawyer's Assistance Program (LAP). It's like group therapy light but everybody in the room is a lawyer. They have 12 step meetings for those who need them. They have bereavement support groups. They just have a safe space where you can talk to others who understand what it means to feel awful when you are the one who's job it is to fix everybody else's messes.

 

The ABA also has literature on this that you can get.