unforgotten Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 Ignoring/blocking your ex and distancing yourself is obviously the best solution but what if you can't do that since you weren't officialy together yet and a)you want her back + b)it would be really childish. So I dated this girl a while back and really really liked her. She ended things with some stupid reasons (no ready yet, no time etc.) I didn't even question their legitimacy. I honestly believe I fell too quickly for her and she felt pressured...I've learned through the years that it doesn't really matter why. She apologized and my response was not angry or anything like it at all. I was like "it's okay, I think you're a nice girl and I wish you all the best". She went off the radar for a month or so and so did I, then she said to my friend at a party he must say hello to me when he sees me then a "like" here or there on facebook etc. I ran into her at a local party last week and said hy to her and just a few words then went my own way. Our eyes met for a couple of seconds and I could see there's something still there. Now she commented on my status and I replied to her comment and she replied back to me through a messanger and looks like we're talking again. Now I know this means nothing. I've read so many topics here on this forum that I can almost predict certain scenarios. That's why I reacted the way I did when she said she doesn't want to do it anymore. I honestly didn't blame her for anything. The last thing I want is to be her safety net, a toy to be played with. But I got to be honest with myself. I am not completely over her. My thoughts wander back into the past when she feeds me these breadcrumbs and when I saw her the last day my heart almost melted. I want to stay in the present, be emotionally strong etc. How do I proceed here? I don't want to cut her off but I won't try to maintain the conversation for any cost - I believe it's her turn to show some hard work and interest. I won't ask her out - I believe she is the one that should suggest any meeting if she wants anything more from me. Do you agree? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 Ignoring/blocking your ex and distancing yourself is obviously the best solution but what if you can't do that since you weren't officialy together yet and a)you want her back + b)it would be really childish. (a) is irrelevant and (b) is not true. ...any more excuses for not doing the sensible thing? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 Ignoring/blocking your ex and distancing yourself is obviously the best solution but what if you can't do that since you weren't officialy together yet and a)you want her back + b)it would be really childish. So I dated this girl a while back and really really liked her. She ended things with some stupid reasons (no ready yet, no time etc.) I didn't even question their legitimacy. I honestly believe I fell too quickly for her and she felt pressured...I've learned through the years that it doesn't really matter why. She apologized and my response was not angry or anything like it at all. I was like "it's okay, I think you're a nice girl and I wish you all the best". She went off the radar for a month or so and so did I, then she said to my friend at a party he must say hello to me when he sees me then a "like" here or there on facebook etc. I ran into her at a local party last week and said hy to her and just a few words then went my own way. Our eyes met for a couple of seconds and I could see there's something still there. Now she commented on my status and I replied to her comment and she replied back to me through a messanger and looks like we're talking again. Now I know this means nothing. I've read so many topics here on this forum that I can almost predict certain scenarios. That's why I reacted the way I did when she said she doesn't want to do it anymore. I honestly didn't blame her for anything. The last thing I want is to be her safety net, a toy to be played with. But I got to be honest with myself. I am not completely over her. My thoughts wander back into the past when she feeds me these breadcrumbs and when I saw her the last day my heart almost melted. I want to stay in the present, be emotionally strong etc. How do I proceed here? I don't want to cut her off but I won't try to maintain the conversation for any cost - I believe it's her turn to show some hard work and interest. I won't ask her out - I believe she is the one that should suggest any meeting if she wants anything more from me. Do you agree? How do you protect yourself from breadcrumbs? -- Don't eat them . . . 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author unforgotten Posted February 12, 2016 Author Share Posted February 12, 2016 But don't you find that ignoring/blocking someone is just running away from the problem. Sure I can agree it does help tremendously and should be done just after the bu to clear your head and cool down your emotions and I actually did just that. Erased messages, unfollowed her, didnt peak at her profie...nothing. But I find it problematic that an external factor such as a specific person can mess your head so easily. This is an internal battle one should face. When one can be cool and stay friends with truly no expectations from your ex...thats when you have won. Avoiding the problem doesnt really fix it now does it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 But don't you find that ignoring/blocking someone is just running away from the problem. No, I find that it's solving the problem. When one can be cool and stay friends with truly no expectations from your ex...thats when you have won. Well, that might be your definition but it's certainly not mine and it is a viewpoint which will cause you pain. For me: when you don't care about the ex you have won. You don't have to be friends or communicate or "prove" that you don't care any more. Like you said, that is external validation. If you can not talk, and not care, then you have won. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
allofme Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 No, I find that it's solving the problem. NC doesn't solve the problem. You are just using NC to run away from the problem. That's why when people break NC say after 100 days, they claim that they are back to square 1. I've never done NC but I learned to accept what has happened and moved forward. We are still talking. And I have accepted that he is looking to date other women and we are over. I even had a crush on someone lately (10 months post breakup) but I'm not going to do anything about it because he's moving back to his country. Link to post Share on other sites
kidm Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 NC doesn't solve the problem. You are just using NC to run away from the problem. That's why when people break NC say after 100 days, they claim that they are back to square 1. I've never done NC but I learned to accept what has happened and moved forward. We are still talking. And I have accepted that he is looking to date other women and we are over. I even had a crush on someone lately (10 months post breakup) but I'm not going to do anything about it because he's moving back to his country. When someone breaks up with you, they are telling you you're not the one for them and they don't want you in their life. So how exactly is NC running away from the problem? NC is running towards the solution---moving on and finding someone else. The fact that people break NC doesn't make it a problem. It just means they have become so dependent or reliant on the other person for their happiness (happily ever after) so it is hard to let go. Eventually *most* people move on after failing with NC because they realize its futile to keep going back to the source of your pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Been Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 So she makes up some lame excuse why she can't see you-too busy,not enough time etc. Then you see her at a party. Block her. If she feels the need to reach out to you she will find a way. Your making it easy for her. Link to post Share on other sites
DarkHorizon Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 NC doesn't solve the problem. You are just using NC to run away from the problem. Ok, now we are talking semantics. No, NC does not solve the problem, but it is an efficient tool that helps you heal faster - and healing IS solving the problem. Most people - and it seems like you are an exception - can't heal if they stay in contact or even hear about their ex partners. We all know that. Again, think of your ex as a drug. If you are an addict, could you really have it around without being tempted? If I can't drink for health reasons, I won't hang out at a bar. Link to post Share on other sites
Author unforgotten Posted February 12, 2016 Author Share Posted February 12, 2016 That's just staying in your comfort zone. Doesn't eliminate the root of the problem at all. Link to post Share on other sites
allofme Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 Ok, now we are talking semantics. No, NC does not solve the problem, but it is an efficient tool that helps you heal faster - and healing IS solving the problem. Most people - and it seems like you are an exception - can't heal if they stay in contact or even hear about their ex partners. We all know that. Again, think of your ex as a drug. If you are an addict, could you really have it around without being tempted? If I can't drink for health reasons, I won't hang out at a bar. The problem is ourselves. Not the ex. My dad used to be a heavy smoker. He didn't quit by simply avoiding tabacco. Now people offer him cigaretts and he says no. I'm sure he broke NC with cigaretts loads back then (a.k.a. come face to face with cigaretts). I helped myself heal by telling myself not to waste time on him and save myself for the real thing, religiously everyday. I am a big believer for love and anything less than that is not acceptable for me. Now he gives me breadcrumbs pretty much every day, checking up on me to see if I have moved on, telling me how much he misses the old times, telling me he was sorry about the break-up, etc. Same F sh*t every time I can rehearse the whole conversation just by myself. You don't need NC to learn breadcrumbs are just breadcrumbs. Or that your ex is a lost cause. You just need to help your head to catch up. And this only requires a LOT of soul searching. And I find keeping in contact actually helps me heal. Sometimes the things that he said are so ridiculous I can tell he was just fishing for a reaction. "xyz bar reminds me of our times together" me thinking:"ehh yeah we went there with your friends and I was bored. Fun times" Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 But don't you find that ignoring/blocking someone is just running away from the problem. Sure I can agree it does help tremendously and should be done just after the bu to clear your head and cool down your emotions and I actually did just that. Erased messages, unfollowed her, didnt peak at her profie...nothing. But I find it problematic that an external factor such as a specific person can mess your head so easily. This is an internal battle one should face. When one can be cool and stay friends with truly no expectations from your ex...thats when you have won. Avoiding the problem doesnt really fix it now does it. Ugh at this whole paragraph. I don't even know where to start. Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 You say yourself you want her back, so all of this, "You should be able to prove you're cool with just being friends with her" stuff is only justification for staying connected to her. No contact alone isn't going to fix your problems, but it should help clear the path to healing. It's hard to get over someone when you're still in contact with them and privy to details of their lives. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 I have a suggestion. Ask her out. If she take you invitation, go with her. If everything is well, ask her out again, and increase the level a little each time. If it goes well, you will find your self with her eventually. If for some reason it stops at some point, then you have your answer. The rejection you will feel, will prevent you from keep hoping. It's a win win situation for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Wewon Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 But don't you find that ignoring/blocking someone is just running away from the problem. Sure I can agree it does help tremendously and should be done just after the bu to clear your head and cool down your emotions and I actually did just that. Erased messages, unfollowed her, didnt peak at her profie...nothing. But I find it problematic that an external factor such as a specific person can mess your head so easily. This is an internal battle one should face. When one can be cool and stay friends with truly no expectations from your ex...thats when you have won. Avoiding the problem doesnt really fix it now does it. Considering that you ultimately would like her back and are holding out hope for it happen, do you think that you're speaking from an objective position? If you had to surrender hope of getting her back would you still feel the same way about cutting of contact with her or maintaining a friendship? If nothing else, maybe try sitting down and objectively trying to understand your desire to have her back in your life. I did this in my 20s after a break up and oddly found that there were very few good reasons to have her in my life, other than the ego validation of not being dumped. Maintaining contact out of a fear of appearing "childish" or "bitter" has been the source of a lot of misery and deeper hurt feelings for a lot of men. There is no shame is protecting yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 Mate, these aren't breadcrumbs. They are gestures of friendship - nothing more. Link to post Share on other sites
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