Devastated. Should I have known this was coming?

[Lalibela]

I've never posted like this before, but I'm going crazy. Just looking for some honest thoughts on my situation. I will be as honest as I possibly can about our history, sorry for the ramblings.

 

My boyfriend broke up with me about two weeks ago. This is our second breakup in 3.5yrs of dating.The first breakup was about a year ago, when my boyfriend discovered that I had cheated multiple times over a twelve-month period. This is a habit I have had since I was a teenager - I am now 25. I am not proud of my past, it makes me feel sick to my stomach, and although getting caught was devastating I'm glad it forced me to confront myself. Unlike previous failed relationships I got serious therapy to understand why I did it and how I could stop. I thought we were over, of course, but I was desperate to change regardless.

 

Somehow though, we stayed together. We endured lots of drama, lots of heartache, and we did lots of hard work. I did lots of therapy and made huge strides. We talked a lot about believing we were in our healthiest place ever. I truly believe I have kicked my cheating habit for good, as well as beginning to heal the insecurities and low self-esteem that caused it in the first place. We were deeply in love, we always have been. Since we met we’ve both described our connection as once-in-a-lifetime. I thought that we were meant to be, and that that was keeping us together. Admittedly, he got jealous often, but this was a feature of our relationship well before I cheated, and I tried to be as forgiving and accommodation and loving and understanding as possible. I think overall I was mostly successful at that, and he at recognising what was and wasn't acceptable behaviour. We both just kept working at it, and it was good, we were making progress every day.

 

There were no signs the breakup was coming. Two days before he ended it he texted me to say thank you for the hard work I had done that meant we could stay together, and that he appreciated it so much. The night before he ended it we did have a fight about him being jealous, but he said it wasn’t the reason it was over. He said he just didn’t want it anymore.

 

I’m so crushed. I started to believe that when you do the right thing you can make up for the past, that when you work hard and fight for love you get the outcomes you both deserve. I thought we would be together forever. He is the love of my life.

 

I suppose my question is: is this a delayed but inevitable result? Was I kidding myself to think we ever had a second chance? Were we too ****ed up from the start? As an aside, he’s already seeing someone else, so I know he’s genuinely moving on. But still, on the day of our breakup, he told me loved me and that he didn’t think he’d ever feel the same about a woman again. If this all had happened when he first found out, I would understand. But in the time since, we fought so hard to make it work, and we found so much joy and love. We were doing so well. I just don’t know how to deal. Thank you in advance for your help (and for reading this far!) xx

[hippychick3]

Good for you for getting help and working so hard on yourself.

 

Unfortunately, the damage was done in this relationship. I can't see how he could ever fully trust you and come back to you. Perhaps he tried and realized he couldn't when the trust is gone.

 

Focus on continuing to work on yourself so your next relationship with the next guy has a better chance of success.

[edel]

First of all, hugs. I was also broken up with just a week ago (by my husband) and I know how painful it is. It will get better.

 

About being inevitable, I actually do think it was. I'm not judging or lecturing you, but cheating usually is something people cannot get over. Your ex probably really loved you, and that is why he gave you a second chance. He didn't want to give you up just yet and wanted to try to forgive you, but in the end he probably couldn't. Also, I don't know what other problems you had in the relationship (fighting, abuse or whatever), so that might have contributed as well. Don't beat yourself up over it, you made a mistake and you learned from it, now you know that next time when you meet someone special (and you will!) to not do the same mistake again.

 

Don't contact him again, remove all things that remind you of him and start healing.

[Been]

If you cheat on someone it ruins the trust.

I dated someone who did it to me and I ended up forgiving them and stayed with them. But I just couldn't ever really trust her no matter what she did.

And it became a big problem. Thier was always doubt.

So I think yours tried but I think he couldn't get over it.

[ExpatInItaly]

In short, yes. This was probably the inevitable end. The damage was done already.

 

I have been betrayed in the past by long-term boyfriend, and I can't begin to describe the hurt and scars that causes. Even though you thought you two had moved past it, I guarantee there's a part of him that will never forget your infidelity, especially if it happened multiple times. The trust was basically gone, and if he's anything like me, his view of you has probably permanently changed whether he wanted it to or not. I know my entire relatonship with my ex (of 7.5 years) felt totally tainted and false after I learned what he did. I would never have been able to go back to that, even though we had shared so much and - at one time - really loved each other.

 

I don't doubt he loved you and he probably wanted to forgive but in the end, just couldn't. He tried. And it's a very good thing that you have also sought help to amend your ways. But I would say that the damage you did was too much and the changes came too late. However, you can use what you've learned through your therapy to have healthier relationships in the future.

[dreamingoftigers]

I would say that restoring any kind of trust on a 2.5 year relationship that was not faithful from The start would be a very hefty task.

 

Honestly. Good for you for learning and growing from the experience. But truly, I reconciled with my own cheating husband because I knew it didn't start off that way and then we had a child. That was hard ENOUGH.

 

There had to be more of a faithful relationship to save to begin with to have someone like me recommend that he stay.

 

I would suspect that he was looking outside the relationship himself given how quickly he's moved on. But that wouldn't surprise me.

 

I think your next relationship will be much better because you are going to put in real honest loyalty.

 

I'm sorry that you are hurting.

[elaine567]

Personally I am not a great fan of reconciling after a cheating event. I think the damage done to a relationship is usually too great for it ever to truly recover, but I understand why people with kids and people in long marriages attempt it and some can be pretty successful, if the will is there.

People in 2.5 year relationships with no kids, I would never advise to stick in there, the work required is too great and the basic "bond" is probably too weak to survive such trauma.

I am glad you did the work on yourself though, it is not a wasted effort and I am sure it will stand you in good stead for your future relationships.

Hugs.

[Satu]

Cheating is a thermonuclear event in a relationship.

 

Its very difficult to come back from something so devastating.

 

Sometimes you just can't, even if you try your best.

 

It's a very sad thing.

[Lalibela]

Thank you all for wise words and advice, it is much appreciated. My heart is broken but perhaps it is time to accept the consequences of what I did. Warmest wishes to anyone also in pain.

[Qboro90]

I think that the fact he stayed with you after the first breakup and finding out about your cheating shows that he really did love and care about you and truly gave it his best shot at forgiving you and remaining a couple.

 

That being said, I'm sure those hurt feelings and that knowledge of knowing you're capable of cheating on him and keeping it under wraps was just something that never subsided as the relationship continued. The jealousy he felt always had that dark cloud looming over for a reason. After a while he probably realized that even though he loved you, he didn't want to go through the rest of his life with that dark cloud in the back of his mind. Most likely was causing him a lot of stres and pain.

 

As a guy, it's incredibly difficult, actually it's impossible to forget that your gf/love of your life consensually had sex with another person. That's soul crushing and just make it impossible for him to ever truly feel at ease with you and trust that you would be loyal and faithful to him despite everything you said and did to show him how much you love him.

 

That's also not to say you didn't make progress and address your flaws as well as make huge strides. I commend you for doing that. This is something you will look back on in 5 years, 10 years , and see as a defining moment in your maturation into adulthood. It will also give you the experience so that the next person you date or fall in love with (trust me, there will be another love... This wasn't the only guy that's perfect for you) , you will know how to hold onto them and cherish what you have. Losing this guy will save the next relationship... As twisted as that sounds. If you cheat on your next partner then that's on you and you need to figure out why you can't control yourself.

 

One thing I will say that is a bit strange is the fact that he is already dating someone else 2 weeks after your break up. Are they officially a couple? Or is it just a girl he's been starting to date here and there? If he has a new girlfriend then I think you need to consider the possibility that he was dating/cheating/talking to another/other women during your relationship. At least towards the end of it. Because it's very unusual to end a long term relationship, and then get right into another one. That would have to mean he broke up with you... Then met someone immediately who he skipped dating/getting to know one another phase and went right into being BF/gf. All in a 2 week span. Unless I missed something... Then Something doesn't fit there.

 

Either way, your best course of action is to go on with your life and career and not contact him. Is it possible to get him back? Anything is possible. But I guarantee you that the best way to do that is to realize that it's not going to happen and live with that mindset. Then if a year from now or 2 years from now, your paths cross again or fate intervenes, he can see that you've grown and matured by how independent your time since the breakup has gone.

That's when you can maturely apologize for cheating on him and how you were able to look back at it as you've grown and realized that causing him pain by doing that was your biggest regret and he didn't deserve that, however you've used that experience to treat your relationships since then and friends with the utmost loyalty and adoration and respect that they deserve.

[Lalibela]

One thing I will say that is a bit strange is the fact that he is already dating someone else 2 weeks after your break up. Are they officially a couple? Or is it just a girl he's been starting to date here and there? If he has a new girlfriend then I think you need to consider the possibility that he was dating/cheating/talking to another/other women during your relationship. At least towards the end of it. Because it's very unusual to end a long term relationship, and then get right into another one. That would have to mean he broke up with you... Then met someone immediately who he skipped dating/getting to know one another phase and went right into being BF/gf. All in a 2 week span. Unless I missed something... Then Something doesn't fit there.

 

Qboro thank you so much for your message, it means a lot.

 

In terms of the new girl, I doubt they're officially dating, all I know is he was messaging her flirting/asking to see her a week before he broke up with me, and that they've been seeing each other in the time since. I think he was just trying to get distance before he ended it, although it didn't come across in his behaviour towards me. I'm not mad, it makes sense.

 

I'm just grieving because I thought a second chance was possible. At Christmas he wrote me a card that said "here's to a beautiful life together and many Christmases to come." I feel like I started to believe that I had made things right and now the rug has been ripped out from under me. I know it's possible I will find love again but right now it feels like he is the one, he always has been, and I was so desperate to save that connection and so so so joyful when I thought I had. I guess I just wish we had had a clean break the first time, now I'm back to square one.

 

Thanks again, truly.

[Qboro90]

Qboro thank you so much for your message, it means a lot.

 

In terms of the new girl, I doubt they're officially dating, all I know is he was messaging her flirting/asking to see her a week before he broke up with me, and that they've been seeing each other in the time since. I think he was just trying to get distance before he ended it, although it didn't come across in his behaviour towards me. I'm not mad, it makes sense.

 

I'm just grieving because I thought a second chance was possible. At Christmas he wrote me a card that said "here's to a beautiful life together and many Christmases to come." I feel like I started to believe that I had made things right and now the rug has been ripped out from under me. I know it's possible I will find love again but right now it feels like he is the one, he always has been, and I was so desperate to save that connection and so so so joyful when I thought I had. I guess I just wish we had had a clean break the first time, now I'm back to square one.

 

Thanks again, truly.

 

 

You did get a second chance though. That's exactly what you got after the first break up. A bonafide second chance. There's no way to know that your relationship would've led to marriage even if you never cheated on him. Odds are it wouldn't have just based on your age and maturity levels. So don't think about it as if you lost your only chance at happiness. Was he you first love? If so there's a reason why it's called "first".

 

Back to square one? If you had a clean break the first time... Would you have gone to therapy and looked into why you had so many instances of cheating on your partners? Probably not. So that first break led you to self discovery and maturity through your own motivation... Which is something you now know about yourself and can carry Into your future relationships.

 

I'm sure that if you're considering cheating on someone ever again, you can think about what happened with this guy as a result and then use that to prevent yourself from allowing it to happen again. So try and look at what you learned about yourself instead of what you lost in him.

[elaine567]

One thing I will say that is a bit strange is the fact that he is already dating someone else 2 weeks after your break up. Are they officially a couple? Or is it just a girl he's been starting to date here and there? If he has a new girlfriend then I think you need to consider the possibility that he was dating/cheating/talking to another/other women during your relationship. At least towards the end of it. Because it's very unusual to end a long term relationship, and then get right into another one. That would have to mean he broke up with you... Then met someone immediately who he skipped dating/getting to know one another phase and went right into being BF/gf. All in a 2 week span. Unless I missed something... Then Something doesn't fit there.

 

NO it isn't unusual at all, people do it all the time and it is because the person leaving, has often been thinking of leaving for weeks, months, even years and has had time to put the relationship behind them, by the time they tell their partner they want to split up.

They can thus move on clean and often very quickly, whereas the blindsided person needs time to grieve and get over the relationship. Even grieving people can jump quickly into new relationships as a way of making themselves feel better.

So whilst in some cases cheating occurred before the split, jumping quickly into another relationship is not unusual and is not proof anyone was cheating.

[Qboro90]

NO it isn't unusual at all, people do it all the time and it is because the person leaving, has often been thinking of leaving for weeks, months, even years and has had time to put the relationship behind them, by the time they tell their partner they want to split up.

They can thus move on clean and often very quickly, whereas the blindsided person needs time to grieve and get over the relationship. Even grieving people can jump quickly into new relationships as a way of making themselves feel better.

So whilst in some cases cheating occurred before the split, jumping quickly into another relationship is not unusual and is not proof anyone was cheating.

 

 

Sure, the relationships that are drawn out and long over before the break up... When one person is checked out and moved on emotionally.... You're probably right... However that's a very specific scenario and outline of how the relationship comes to a close and not the norm.

Most people don't continue dating someone if they've "put the relationship behind them".

 

And the OP even said that he's not officially a couple or dating this other girl. He's just gone out with her a few times and in the early stages. Which would prove that he wasn't flirting/ talking to other women during the relationship or even towards the end of it. She said he started talking to this girl a week before the break up. Technically that's actually cheating depending on how you define cheating. But since the relationship with the OP was over in his mind, he was able to talk to the other girl.

 

If you're saying that it's normal and common for people who are in 3+ year long relationships to have another boyfriend or girlfriend 2 weeks after their breakup then I'd have to strongly disagree about that as most couples require some time to acclimate towards being single again, then find someone worth dating, then get past the "rebound" mindset, and make it official with that person. Anyone who has a girlfriend 2 weeks afterwards... That's unusual.

[elaine567]

 

If you're saying that it's normal and common for people who are in 3+ year long relationships to have another boyfriend or girlfriend 2 weeks after their breakup then I'd have to strongly disagree about that as most couples require some time to acclimate towards being single again, then find someone worth dating, then get past the "rebound" mindset, and make it official with that person. Anyone who has a girlfriend 2 weeks afterwards... That's unusual.

 

I am not saying they find the love of their life 2 weeks after a long term relationship, but it is so common there is even a word for it, they are called "rebound" relationships, where a person swiftly moves on, whilst still in the throes of emotion from a break up.

The OPs bf here was probably thinking of leaving her since the day he found out she cheated, but he will have swithered back and forth, I am leaving, no I need to stay, I am definitely leaving, I am definitely staying, on and on, until at one point he will have made up his mind to go, then it is a case of picking up the courage to tell her he is going, that may take hours, days, weeks, months depending on his personality and the other ramifications of the split... During that thinking process he will have got used to the idea of leaving, he will start thinking about life after the split and he will start thinking of a replacement gf.

By the day he tells her, he is thus ready to move on.