Breakup after 10 years - female dumper viewpoints welcome

[BrokenMan2015]

Hi everyone

 

I was with my ex-girlfriend for 10 years. We worked really well together. Around September, she got a new high-powered job, and for a few months we worked hard to still see each other (before this we'd seen each other every day), and, as we had for 10 years, text each other all the time.

 

A week or two before Xmas she text me to say that it was over. No explanation.

 

In the past 6 or 7 weeks, I've text a few times, sent one e-mail and one letter, all a couple of weeks apart to as to give her space and respect, and all saying (in as unpressured a way as possible) that I miss her and that I'd like to resolve things (or at least talk again). No response to any of it.

 

She hasn't blocked my number or unfollowed me on social media, and maybe 5 weeks after the breakup she posts a meme saying how amazing her life is now. I haven't reacted to that in any way, in case it's something she wanted me to react to (or, if it's true, then it's not my place to cause her any drama about it).

 

I've made it clear that I WOULD like to reconcile, or at least be on speaking terms again, but nothing back.

 

So ... should I read anything into her keeping the lines of communication open? Should I read anything into the meme? She's a normal, compassionate person (no pedestal stuff there, I've known her for 10 years and she IS very kind hearted) and I find it hard to believe that ANYONE could react this way after so long with no defined arguement or catastrophe to drive a wedge between us. Surely she must feel something for me, even if it's not romance?

 

All comments welcome, but especially female dumpers who've been in similar situations, please

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm a woman, here's my take:

 

If things really were as good as you describe, and there were no serious issues leading up to this, then my bet is she met someone else.

 

If you can't pinpoint what went wrong (ie. fights over money or commitment, trust issues, etc etc) then I would imagine she's actually been emotionally checking out for a while and another man caught her eye. Perhaps she did something she shouldn't have done and knew she couldn't stay with you. I know everyone's quick to jump on the Another Man horse, but that's my two cents.

 

I broke up with a long--term boyfriend many years ago for similar reasons. He and I were drifting apart, and while he was content and we generally got along very well, I was bored and restless (and young and immature!) Another guy expressed real interest in me, and I knew I had to leave my boyfriend because I was curious about other options and wanted to date others.

 

I wouldn't really read into any social media activity. She is still maintaining distance for a reason. I have no doubt in my mind she still cares about you but she knows you're hurt and it's probably her way to avoiding feeling guilty. Her lack of response to you and abrupt ending after 10 years tells me she is dealing with some inner conflict and doesn't know how to face you.

 

Out of curiosity, how old are you both?

Edited February 7, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[BrokenMan2015]

She's 28, I'm 30.

 

I was curious about the social media meme because she knows me well enough that, rightly or wrongly, I'd either look or it would show up in my feed.

 

I think there was emotional detachment from her in the last week, but I'm pretty sure there were no red flags before that (and I've thought about it A LOT).

 

And inner conflict? Like ... whether or not she made the right decison? I won't deny that I am hoping for a reconcilliation at some point, or at least to talk again. I've made it clear through my communications that I won't be messaging her again because of the radio silence but also that she's always welcome to get in touch (no hard feelings on my side).

[Kevin_D]

It's funny... You get arrested for punching someone, tax evasion, downloading movies from the Internet... heck, even calling people names could be enough.

 

Yet it's perfectly legal to assure someone that you love them, day after day, year after year, and then suddenly rip out the heart of the person, without explanation.

 

I still feel bad for how I treated a girl I went on three dates with. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I had done something this awful. I would be so depressed I wouldn't be able to leave the house. How these people can appear happy is beyond me. To me it's psychopathic behavior. Because even if you want to try something new, the mere fact that you ruined another persons life should be prevent you from finding happiness for a long time.

[ExpatInItaly]

She's 28, I'm 30.

 

I was curious about the social media meme because she knows me well enough that, rightly or wrongly, I'd either look or it would show up in my feed.

 

I think there was emotional detachment from her in the last week, but I'm pretty sure there were no red flags before that (and I've thought about it A LOT).

 

And inner conflict? Like ... whether or not she made the right decison? I won't deny that I am hoping for a reconcilliation at some point, or at least to talk again. I've made it clear through my communications that I won't be messaging her again because of the radio silence but also that she's always welcome to get in touch (no hard feelings on my side).

 

No, I meant inner conflict relating to not wanting to hurt you yet knowing she can't stay with you anymore.

 

If you noticed emotional detachment during the final week, there's a good chance it started long before that but she was good at hiding it. I know I tried to put on a happy, satisfied front with the ex I mentioned, but deep down, I wasn't in love anymore. I almost wished I didn't feel the way I did so I tried to convince myself for a little while that I was just experiencing a normal ebb in the relationship. But as soon as this other guy came into the picture, I knew it wasn't just that. I really didn't want to be in that relationship anymore.

 

Again, not saying that this is definitely the case with you ex, but I don't think that possibility can't be dismissed either.

 

Though it was in the days before smart phones and widespread use of social media, I didn't block every avenue of contact with my ex either. I already felt bad enough breaking up with him; I would've felt awful cutting off every form of communication. This is why I say not to read much into the fact that she hasn't blocked you. Just be careful. If she is test-driving someone new, she might come back around if it doesn't work out. You need to protect yourself.

 

And think objectively: were there really no points of contention in the relationship? Signs you perhaps overlooked?

[marky00]

Yeh same thing happened to me and my relationship was about same length.

 

99.9 percent she met another guy.

 

When they leave abrupt with no weening off period and when it just doesn't make sense, there is someone else.

 

She may have met someone in her new job.

 

Prepare yourself for that because Im certain thats the case but....

 

also take this into consideration....

 

this happened to me feb last year but this january I found out my Ex and the new guy broke up (apparently they fought all the time and he dumped her).

 

This last month or so we have been in more regular contact and it seems we are gradually working towards a reconciliation.

 

I'm not saying you should have hope (all situations are different) but I'm just saying, keep your head-on straight, try and stay calm and hold your tongue. That way, whatever prevails in the future, you have kept yourself in the best position for either moving on or reconciling if she returns.

 

She definitely cares. By staying calm and quiet, she has to own all her thoughts and guilt.

 

Prepare yourself for the worst, you may as well work through the worst case scenarios now.

[DarkHorizon]

I'm a woman, here's my take:

 

If things really were as good as you describe, and there were no serious issues leading up to this, then my bet is she met someone else.

 

If you can't pinpoint what went wrong (ie. fights over money or commitment, trust issues, etc etc) then I would imagine she's actually been emotionally checking out for a while and another man caught her eye. Perhaps she did something she shouldn't have done and knew she couldn't stay with you. I know everyone's quick to jump on the Another Man horse, but that's my two cents.

 

I broke up with a long--term boyfriend many years ago for similar reasons. He and I were drifting apart, and while he was content and we generally got along very well, I was bored and restless (and young and immature!) Another guy expressed real interest in me, and I knew I had to leave my boyfriend because I was curious about other options and wanted to date others.

 

I wouldn't really read into any social media activity. She is still maintaining distance for a reason. I have no doubt in my mind she still cares about you but she knows you're hurt and it's probably her way to avoiding feeling guilty. Her lack of response to you and abrupt ending after 10 years tells me she is dealing with some inner conflict and doesn't know how to face you.

 

Out of curiosity, how old are you both?

 

Wow, ExpatInItaly... that IS exactly what happened in my relationship. After four years, my ex girlfriend left me exactly that way, for those reasons. Wow.

[DarkHorizon]

BrokenMan2015,

I know your username says a lot, but still... sounds like you are handling this pretty well. After four years, being left somewhat similarly the way you were, I am still pretty devastated. I know you tried contact, and that isn't easy, but just the fact that she didn't respond makes the situation extra hard. By now you probably realized that any extra effort from your part will most likely end up in more suffering, so I imagine you decided to stop it. There is the pain. There is the dignity. There is the fact that you shouldn't be with someone who simply doesn't want to be with you.

 

I am sure there is more to the story that you don't know, but at this point it is really irrelevant. The way she left you... it's really unacceptable. Once they made the decision to leave you, you shouldn't go back to handle them your heart one more time.

[Droksie]

She found someone else, simple as that. She ignores you because she feels

extreme ammounts of guilt about it, by avoiding you she is just trying not to feel any of it. My gf of 2.5 years did the same, she found some guy at her job

and dumped me like i was nothing, i begged and pleaded her to reconsider but

its completely pointless.

Even if she has some feelings for you the guilt she feels wont allow her to ever look at you let alone be with you.

[BrokenMan2015]

Thank you everyone for all your comments.

 

I'll be honest, a new man in the new job is what I'm thinking. I'm trying to portray a mature and respectful "face" to her in my communications, but ... well, the Username is pretty much how I've been for the last 7 weeks.

 

Given my feelings for her tho ... I WOULD still consider reconcilliation. 10 years is a long time, and I am very sure of how I feel for her.

 

I know we've all clutched at straws, but yes, I AM hoping that because I'm not blocked (especially through some of the means I've contacted her - social media and text) and because of our history, I'm still in with even the slightest chance. I'd even hope that the guilt factor might be a positive, in that it's not indifference, at least.

 

I suppose I'm hoping that the weight of 10 years vs 7 weeks might work in my favour, at least to the point of her re-establishing contact with me at some point.

[blue_jay_bird]

 

I suppose I'm hoping that the weight of 10 years vs 7 weeks might work in my favour, at least to the point of her re-establishing contact with me at some point.

 

Ten years vs. Ten days it doesn't matter.

 

I remember when my ex disappeared after seven year. I REALLY thought that he would TRY, I thought... I thought. I'd sit on my sofa thinking why, why? Everything was perfect. I thought, it was.

 

BUT for a second, imagine you are her. She's not lamenting over you. She isn't thinking, what have I done!.

 

All the feeling and reasons to be with you aren't there anymore.

 

She is thinking about the next guy.

 

I don't say this to hurt your feelings. Just to give you a reality check.

 

 

I just don't want you to sit there and wait for a love that isn't worth that pain.

[BrokenMan2015]

Then I guess I'm broken for good.

[ExpatInItaly]

Then I guess I'm broken for good.

 

Not at all.

 

You will need time to heal, of course. You will need to be patient with yourself and kind to yourself.

 

But you will, someday, be ready to love again. I had a long-term relationship come to an end a few years ago (after the ex I talked about before) and my whole life changed. But someday we come to understand why these things didn't work out and make room for someone who's better for us.

[mightycpa]

She TEXTED you to break up after 10 years together?

 

First of all, how long did you really expect to have the same girlfriend without taking it to the next level?

 

Second, she TEXTED you to break up after 10 years together?

 

That alone tells me she's done with you. The fact that your "very kind-hearted" girlfriend didn't think enough of you to give you a face to face breakup and explanation tells me she's not thinking about you at all.

 

There is no "I'll post this to get a rise out of him". Hell, there's not even a "maybe I shouldn't post this because it will hurt him." No wondering, no remorse, no guilt, no nothing. You are a little dot in the rear-view mirror that obscures the view.

 

Time to face facts. If this bothers you, then take the necessary steps to get rid of all the reminders.

[CarrieT]

She's 28, I'm 30.

All right, I am going to offer a completely different perspective - one I have wrote about before...

 

Those of us that have been around here for a while and around life for a while understand that EVERYTHING changes in one's life between their 28th and 31st year. Heck, the New Agers call it the "Saturn Return" (feel free to google in). It has been studied and written about here - and we call it Half-Baked Brain Syndrome.

 

Scientifically, the frontal lobes of one's brain are not fully connected until the very late 20s. The nerve cells that connect the frontal lobes with the rest of the brain are sluggish. Until the late 20s, one doesnt' have as much of the fatty coating called myelin, or "white matter," that adults have in this area. It is these factors that enable good decision-making.

 

In the 50s, it was known as the Seven Year Itch because people would marry in their early 20s and when they hit their 30s, everything they THOUGHT they wanted changed.

 

It is why so many of us heartily recommend not getting married until the early 30s.

 

I have great empathy for you. I went through it. A lot of us went through it. It sounds like your girlfriend is going through it. You may have gone through it but stayed in the relationship. She is simply "gelling" into who she is and what she wants and - I'm sorry to say - it may not be you at this point, simply because she bonded with you so young.

[266696687]

Then I guess I'm broken for good.

 

No you're not broken. You will heal. It'll take time but you will get there.

 

I don't know how you aren't angry?

 

She dumped you by text with no explanation after 10 years. This is astounding! I simply cannot think of a single reason or explanation to do such an incredibly cruel and awful thing. I'm sorry but I don't think she's an ounce as kind hearted as you think she is.

 

You should be outraged and disgusted not seeking reconciliation. You should be firmly shutting the door behind her and making sure she is no longer welcome in your life.

 

Her behaviour is outrageous! She hasn't considered you or your feelings for even one second. She is being completely selfish and is ignoring your attempts to contact her. She is cruel.

 

Block, delete and move on. After 10 years she's simply disappeared from your life she doesn't even deserve the opportunity for a second chance with you. You shouldn't be hoping she comes back you should be hoping she stays where she is and leaves you alone so you can find someone with morals and integrity. She doesn't seem to have any. There isn't anything she could say that would justify what she did.

 

She's left you in a state of emotional distress without a second thought. She doesn't deserve your letters or communications. You should be in strict NC permanently.

[DarkHorizon]

All right, I am going to offer a completely different perspective - one I have wrote about before...

 

Those of us that have been around here for a while and around life for a while understand that EVERYTHING changes in one's life between their 28th and 31st year. Heck, the New Agers call it the "Saturn Return" (feel free to google in). It has been studied and written about here - and we call it Half-Baked Brain Syndrome.

 

Scientifically, the frontal lobes of one's brain are not fully connected until the very late 20s. The nerve cells that connect the frontal lobes with the rest of the brain are sluggish. Until the late 20s, one doesnt' have as much of the fatty coating called myelin, or "white matter," that adults have in this area. It is these factors that enable good decision-making.

 

In the 50s, it was known as the Seven Year Itch because people would marry in their early 20s and when they hit their 30s, everything they THOUGHT they wanted changed.

 

It is why so many of us heartily recommend not getting married until the early 30s.

 

I have great empathy for you. I went through it. A lot of us went through it. It sounds like your girlfriend is going through it. You may have gone through it but stayed in the relationship. She is simply "gelling" into who she is and what she wants and - I'm sorry to say - it may not be you at this point, simply because she bonded with you so young.

 

Excellent point, Carrie. I really appreciate the scientific explanations. and that's usually my approach when commenting here as well. I know a lot of people here insist in disregard or reject these views, but they are the ones that make sense to me. Thanks!

[13Hearts]

So while XGF has been working on herself and pursuing this "high-powered job" all these years, what have you been doing? What have you been working on?

 

10 years and she called it quits, and now you have told her you want her to come back and reconcile? What exactly have you offered to reconcile? What is it that did not happen in the last 10 years that you are offering for the next? What exactly are you asking her to come back to?

 

You've been together 10 years but you didn't live together? You weren't engaged? What kinds of things did you enjoy doing together? Were you engaged?

[blue_jay_bird]

"I'm sad, but at the same time I'm really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It's like, it makes me feel alive, you know? It makes me feel human. And the only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt somethin' really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good, so I guess what I'm feelin' is like a, beautiful sadness. I guess that sounds stupid." - butters.

[BlueIris]

Hi everyone

 

I was with my ex-girlfriend for 10 years. We worked really well together. Around September, she got a new high-powered job, and for a few months we worked hard to still see each other (before this we'd seen each other every day), and, as we had for 10 years, text each other all the time.

 

A week or two before Xmas she text me to say that it was over. No explanation.

 

In the past 6 or 7 weeks, I've text a few times, sent one e-mail and one letter, all a couple of weeks apart to as to give her space and respect, and all saying (in as unpressured a way as possible) that I miss her and that I'd like to resolve things (or at least talk again). No response to any of it.

 

She hasn't blocked my number or unfollowed me on social media, and maybe 5 weeks after the breakup she posts a meme saying how amazing her life is now. I haven't reacted to that in any way, in case it's something she wanted me to react to (or, if it's true, then it's not my place to cause her any drama about it).

 

I've made it clear that I WOULD like to reconcile, or at least be on speaking terms again, but nothing back.

 

So ... should I read anything into her keeping the lines of communication open? Should I read anything into the meme? She's a normal, compassionate person (no pedestal stuff there, I've known her for 10 years and she IS very kind hearted) and I find it hard to believe that ANYONE could react this way after so long with no defined arguement or catastrophe to drive a wedge between us. Surely she must feel something for me, even if it's not romance?

 

All comments welcome, but especially female dumpers who've been in similar situations, please

 

Could the relationship-career balance, conflict or mismatch be a factor here? In my case, my partners didn’t agree to follow or compromise and the relationships ended. On the other hand, both my mom and my daughter’s partners either followed or compromised and their relationships lasted. When she got the new job and moved, did you two discuss how you were going to be together, your individual goals and your goals as a couple? Were you planning to move to the place she’d moved to?

[amaysngrace]

Maybe you two just weren't in the same place in life. Did you grow at the same pace that she did or did she outgrow you?

[marky00]

 

Second, she TEXTED you to break up after 10 years together?

 

That alone tells me she's done with you. The fact that your "very kind-hearted" girlfriend didn't think enough of you to give you a face to face breakup and explanation tells me she's not thinking about you at all.

 

Not necessarily. Can also be the guilt. When the reasons for the breakup are very ugly, they just don't want that face-to-face.

 

There's another guy. 100%

[marky00]

No you're not broken. You will heal. It'll take time but you will get there.

 

I don't know how you aren't angry?

 

She dumped you by text with no explanation after 10 years. This is astounding! I simply cannot think of a single reason or explanation to do such an incredibly cruel and awful thing. I'm sorry but I don't think she's an ounce as kind hearted as you think she is.

 

You should be outraged and disgusted not seeking reconciliation. You should be firmly shutting the door behind her and making sure she is no longer welcome in your life.

 

Her behaviour is outrageous! She hasn't considered you or your feelings for even one second. She is being completely selfish and is ignoring your attempts to contact her. She is cruel.

 

Block, delete and move on. After 10 years she's simply disappeared from your life she doesn't even deserve the opportunity for a second chance with you. You shouldn't be hoping she comes back you should be hoping she stays where she is and leaves you alone so you can find someone with morals and integrity. She doesn't seem to have any. There isn't anything she could say that would justify what she did.

 

She's left you in a state of emotional distress without a second thought. She doesn't deserve your letters or communications. You should be in strict NC permanently.

 

Exact same thing happened to me. Same length of relationship as well. Only, she left me alone in a hotel room in her country. Yes, she agreed to a face-to-face but I had to ask for it. And yes, there was another guy involved.

 

When there is a 3rd party involved, its just too ugly. There's nothing that can really be said. Both people just need to run in the other direction. Dumping by SMS in that situation gets you to that distance faster I guess.

[mightycpa]

Not necessarily. Can also be the guilt. When the reasons for the breakup are very ugly, they just don't want that face-to-face.

 

There's another guy. 100%

Let me throw another interpretation out at you.

 

This woman is approaching 30, and she's a corporate go-getter. She gets this "high powered job", which I interpret to mean that she's in a leadership position over either a lot of people or an important subject, or both. Basically, she's rubbing elbows with a different set of people now, older, and more accomplished. This begins in September.

 

In addition to working a ****load of hours, she's also putting in time at dinners and business social events. The old guys there have their wives, and the women are either never-married, divorced or they have a "high-powered" husband. As she enters this new social scene, she starts to think about she will be perceived vis-a-vis her old boyfriend. He's a regular Joe, maybe blue collar, maybe no collar. She slowly realizes that he's not going to fit in very well, and then she starts talking to the other women in this circle, who, being women, are few in number and they're sticking together. They start talking about who they are banging, and she sees they've got enough money to reel in some nice looking boys. Mr. LDR is looking less and less attractive as they invite her out and begin to introduce her around.

 

And then, out of the blue, some really accomplished guy asks her out, she goes on that date and then the next thing you know,

 

OK, you're right. Definitely another guy. At least one, maybe more. Sorry, OP. All the signs point to it.

[DexterLS]

Let me throw another interpretation out at you.

 

This woman is approaching 30, and she's a corporate go-getter. She gets this "high powered job", which I interpret to mean that she's in a leadership position over either a lot of people or an important subject, or both. Basically, she's rubbing elbows with a different set of people now, older, and more accomplished. This begins in September.

 

In addition to working a ****load of hours, she's also putting in time at dinners and business social events. The old guys there have their wives, and the women are either never-married, divorced or they have a "high-powered" husband. As she enters this new social scene, she starts to think about she will be perceived vis-a-vis her old boyfriend. He's a regular Joe, maybe blue collar, maybe no collar. She slowly realizes that he's not going to fit in very well, and then she starts talking to the other women in this circle, who, being women, are few in number and they're sticking together. They start talking about who they are banging, and she sees they've got enough money to reel in some nice looking boys. Mr. LDR is looking less and less attractive as they invite her out and begin to introduce her around.

 

And then, out of the blue, some really accomplished guy asks her out, she goes on that date and then the next thing you know,

 

OK, you're right. Definitely another guy. At least one, maybe more. Sorry, OP. All the signs point to it.

 

Oh, how I missed you mightycpa.

 

There's definitely someone else.