Blindsided by angry breakup

[Lovefiercely]

I know that lots of folks here have talked about being blindsided by a breakup. I know that to some extent its useless to try to understand anything about it, but I'm still troubled by the way everything went down between myself and my ex. The emotions and particular the anger and coldness expressed were nothing I had experienced from him before. It was so odd.

 

He broke up with me by phone. He was out of town visiting family and when he returned didn't contact me. I thought that was really weird. I texted to see if he was ok, and the responses were minimalist, something like "I got in at 1am" and nothing more. When Icalled the next morning, immediately after my saying Hi and asking if he was ok, he said "I want to stop dating." I didn't fight him on it -- instead told him that I loved him and cared a lot about him, and felt that I needed to tell him that because I wanted to share how I felt without any expectation of reciprocation. He proceed to get mad and accused me of trying to make him feel bad and being passive aggressive. When I said that was far from my intention (I don't have a history of doing that at all), he accused me of playing tit for tat.

 

Regardless, the conversation ended with me super confused.

 

He has a history of PTSD and anxiety, and always got super anxious when we got close. But he also seemed to be very nitpicky about me. We never fought and disagreements were quickly and civily addressed. The relationship lasted only 4 months. My shortest by far (two relationships averaging 7 years) but he has a history of short relationships lasting only several months.

 

I was blindsided by the level of anger he had, but also by the short duration of the relationship. It just didn't seem like enough time to give up in the face of everything that seemed to be going so well.

 

I'm thinking there is some insecure attachment happening, perhaps avoidant. I don't know. I haven't contacted him directly, but he did email me two weeks ago to say he was sorry for the way he acted during the conversation and hoped I was doing well. I sent a Thank You simple reply...

 

Am I missing something?

[RySant]

I would normally say that he might be seeing someone else. But the way you relay the PTSD scenario, that might be it. I am sorry but this is not about you two. This might be an issue stemming from him alone.

 

He needs therapy of some sorts and if this is already a pattern for him, he should stay away from any kind of relationship for now.

 

I am sorry but you need to move on from him, this is beyond your help.

[Lovefiercely]

Thanks RySant! I think you are right. The signs of PTSD were there. And the anxiety was overwhelming for him. I gave him referrals to counsellors early on in our relationship but I don't think he called any of them. He actually was back on the dating site we met on 4 days after he broke up with me - matched to a good friend of mine who is a lot like me.

 

One time during one of his anxiety episodes where he literally wanted to run away from me I asked him if he was looking for a partner who wouldn't make him anxious. He said yes. And I told him that the anxiety is coming from him, not another person.

 

I truly loved him, still do. So hard to walk away, but there really isn't anything left for me to do.

[RySant]

He actually was back on the dating site we met on 4 days after he broke up with me - matched to a good friend of mine who is a lot like me.

 

You might've felt a pang when you saw his name here But I hope you do know that this is not about you. That you are incomplete or not enough. He is obviously trying to work out this anxiety albeit the wrong way. Even if he found another one from this site, it's bound to fail.

 

Hope you find someone who is healthy for you.

[Lovefiercely]

You might've felt a pang when you saw his name here But I hope you do know that this is not about you. That you are incomplete or not enough. He is obviously trying to work out this anxiety albeit the wrong way. Even if he found another one from this site, it's bound to fail.

 

Hope you find someone who is healthy for you.

 

RySant, a thousand bows of gratitude to you...your words have comforted me tremendously.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

The fact that he jumped straight back on a dating website indicates that he wanted a nice tidy breakup without taking any responsibility for hurting you. That would also explain why he deflected anger back on to you. It was a selfish and cowardly thing to do, and shows you his true character.

 

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. It will take time to work through the hurt and confusion, but when you do, I hope that you realize you dodged a bullet.

 

You deserve so much better.

[Lovefiercely]

The fact that he jumped straight back on a dating website indicates that he wanted a nice tidy breakup without taking any responsibility for hurting you. That would also explain why he deflected anger back on to you. It was a selfish and cowardly thing to do, and shows you his true character.

 

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. It will take time to work through the hurt and confusion, but when you do, I hope that you realize you dodged a bullet.

 

You deserve so much better.

 

Thank you so much Scarlett...I truly was blaming myself for all of this. I hadn't dated in such a long time and I was feeling like I just wasn't cut out for today's dating world on Tinder and what not. So hard to think of him as a "bullet" since I love him and really miss him. But I am assured by you and RySant that the anger and hatred he exhibited towards me was totally undeserved. And a lack of kindness towards someone who has not shown anger or hatred even though hey are on the receiving end is something I can't tolerate. And shouldn't!