! Awesome together in person. Terrible when physically apart...

[MJ5150_5150]

Hi Loveshack

 

I need help. I love my girlfriend, and together we are awesome but as soon as we are physicAlly apart we seem to question everything and not trust each other. We try and break it off or sabotage each other first before we hurt each other.

 

There's a bit of a backstory.

 

So I was married, now not. Have 1 gorgeous daughter. I left my ex to be with the girlfriend and to be honest it knocked me for six. With my ex things were good/ comfortable as in not nasty. However we Seemed to play roles. She was the 1950s house wife who wanted to play house and in the whole time we were together she never initiated intimacy. I wanted more of a peer relationship 50/50 work/ child etc. this never really got discussed properly or worked things just blew up.

 

Basically I slept with a girl that I knew. It was totally unexpected and happened. Then basically I couldnt continue with my ex. I just felt morally bankrupt and awful and eventually after fessing up a week later, I stayed for a few weeks and left.

 

So fast forward two years. My ex and I basically have not much to do with each other. Shes kind of moved on. And I have this roller coaster relationship with my gf. Same girl. We breakup and get back together. We tell each other we love each other but we have never fully integrated our lives.

 

Each time we are apart a week or two with familyetc. We stop communicating and have these enormous blowup a that usually end in us breaking up and not speaking to each other.

 

We eventually profess love for each other and have amazing deep honest communication and everything else. And then the cycle repeats.... Help. I don't want anyone else but I am a major part of the problem here being distant and then yo-ing back.

 

MJ

 

Ps sorry for typos

[Silver_star]

Just to summarize:

You left your wife when you cheated with this girl who you are currently with.This girl and you have a tumultuous relationship reminiscent of a teenage couple. No trust. Break up/ get back together kind of thing.

 

 

You acknowledge that yourself. You also say you don't want anyone else but this new girl now. The only behavior you could change is your own. So you could trust her more or look into the reasons why you don't trust her.

 

 

Sounds like you are full of shame and guilt. You are part of the problem.

I think We accept the love we think we deserve. Maybe you think this kind of relationship is what you deserve now.

[Nickr3023]

Just to summarize:

You left your wife when you cheated with this girl who you are currently with.This girl and you have a tumultuous relationship reminiscent of a teenage couple. No trust. Break up/ get back together kind of thing.

 

 

You acknowledge that yourself. You also say you don't want anyone else but this new girl now. The only behavior you could change is your own. So you could trust her more or look into the reasons why you don't trust her.

 

 

Sounds like you are full of shame and guilt. You are part of the problem.

I think We accept the love we think we deserve. Maybe you think this kind of relationship is what you deserve now.

 

Poster is 100% right. With my most recent relationship, we were the same exact way, and it was because we both believed it's what we deserved. She had cheated on her husband (not with me initially, until they tried to work on things again), and I have extremely poor self esteem. So I put up with a whole lot of stuff that I shouldn't have because I still couldn't believe a girl this gorgeous was interested in me at all. You need to walk away from this, as difficult as it may be, because it's simply toxic to your well being. The lack of trust alone is maddening as it forces depression and anxiety on you when there shouldn't be. Loving someone shouldn't be difficult. If it is, you're probably not with the right person.

[MJ5150_5150]

Well summarised it was a bad foundation. I wasn't together with GF immediately at the start. Initially tried counselling and all the rest with my ex but I think once the trust is gone and there was no intimacy anyway, there wasn't the will from either of us to fix it. In the end started up with GF but you are both right its been fairly teenage/toxic.

 

At the same time it feels like I've tossed that time together down the drain if we break it off permanently. Would be nice to know if anyone ever resolves this or if the only resolution is exiting. I can see that a clean beginning with someone else wouldn't have all the baggage but still...

[Nickr3023]

Well summarised it was a bad foundation. I wasn't together with GF immediately at the start. Initially tried counselling and all the rest with my ex but I think once the trust is gone and there was no intimacy anyway, there wasn't the will from either of us to fix it. In the end started up with GF but you are both right its been fairly teenage/toxic.

 

At the same time it feels like I've tossed that time together down the drain if we break it off permanently. Would be nice to know if anyone ever resolves this or if the only resolution is exiting. I can see that a clean beginning with someone else wouldn't have all the baggage but still...

 

Been there done that man. She doesn't trust you. Why would she? You cheated on your wife with her.....why would she trust you to not do the same thing to her? I was with my ex, she had an affair on her husband (not with me initially, but she did when they tried to get back together later on after we had started dating), and no matter what I said to myself and others that she was just a good person that made a bad mistake, I deep down never fully trusted her because I knew what she was capable of. You're just prolonging the inevitable here with this woman unfortunately. It's time to cut your losses, better yourself, learn from your mistakes, and move on.

[Downtown]

As soon as we are physically apart we seem to question everything and not trust each other.

MJ, I agree with the advice given by Nick and Star. What you're describing may simply indicate she does not trust you out of sight, due to your past treatment of your Ex. I agree with Nick and Star that this is the most likely explanation.

 

Yet, because you describe your R/S as being a roller coaster having many breakups and makeups, there is another possibility to consider. The dysfunctional behavior during physical absences may be a warning sign that one or both of you may have a serious problem with "object constancy," i.e., the ability to perceive another person as having essentially the same personality from day to day.

 

When we are babies, one of our first important lessons is to realize that Mother doesn't vanish into thin air when she moves away from our crib -- or when we can no longer hear her voice. Then we have to learn that she does cease to exist when leaving the room. Learning these lessons is our first step in acquiring a sense of object constancy.

 

People who lack it mistakenly perceive of their loved ones based solely on what emotions those loved ones are showing today -- without considering all of the things they did in the past. This is why, when you leave town on a business trip, a GF having little sense of object constancy will respond to you very very differently than when you are in town with her. It will feel like you have no relationship history at all. In talking with her on the phone when you're out of town, she may sound somewhat cold, as though she is talking with a casual friend or complete stranger.

 

If this description of the lack of object constancy rings a bell, I suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 Warning Signs. If most of them sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them in Rebel's Thread. If you have any questions about that discussion, I would be glad to try and answer them. Take care, MJ.