My "girlfriend" is talking alot with this new friend of her

[JohnEarly]

Hello guys. I hope you're all doing good, i wish i was that way too. I reaaally need help of somebody that can give enough attention and analyze my case well enough so i dont make dumb things like contacting my ex or something like that. I know this is just another heartbreaking story of "love", but please, i beg you to give this enough attention cus im driving crazy...

 

So i dated this girl for a year, and 2 weeks ago, i noticed something weird with this new friend of her, and i started acting self-protective and said i wasnt liking that approaching of them (always texting each other bla bla bla), and she always told me it was just a friend, i kinda respected it because she never had many friends and she rly values when she finds out a new one.

But this story started driving me crazy and i cried like a baby last time i was with her because i was not able to avoid that feeling of jealously and fear of losing her, she just acted like supporting me and saying she wanted to stay with me and there was no reason to be like that and they were only friends... When she left home i did something wrong, i decided to stalk her fb messages with this Guy... Guess what... 9k messages, those msgs werent like fully disrespectful towards me, but there was some of them that was, like sending hearts and ****s... and she knows him like for 2 months... And i found out she was also texting him IN THE RIGHT MOMENT I WAS CRYING LIKE A BABY FOR HER..

I just left her home without saying anything and she is calling me and texting me like crazy since that happened, acting like she did nothing wrong...

 

I never replied back, what would u guys would do in my position? Give a 2nd chance? Admit that i stalked her msgs and confront her? Try to solve things? What should i do???

 

Edit: I forgot to mention they went out just the 2 of them, thats when i started acting jealously, even if she told me she was going out with him.. ik nothing happened between them that Day.. But i have read an sttempt to go to the beach just the 2 of them LOL

Edited November 30, 2015 by JohnEarly

[Buckeye7]

Based on my recent experience and what I've heard from others it seems that she is losing interest but not is not ready to break it off with you yet. I wouldn't admit to reading the messages because she will likely turn things around on you and act like you are the bad guy. But honestly her flirting and talking bad about you is not acceptable. You should probably mentally prepare yourself for a break up. Don't act too weak or needy around her. It will only make it worse.

[Confusioncreepsin]

I broke up a two year relationship with my gf over one text message from one of her "gay" friends. All I had to read was "Hey baby, I miss you body, when we hangin again" and her response of "tell me date and time and i will make it happen". That was it and I broke up after telling her I saw it.

 

Dude, I bet your gut is screaming right now but you may not be listening to it. My personal advice is to contact her once more, and tell her that her communication with this guy is crossing a boundary with you. I would tell her you have seen the communication (not how) and that you and her are done. Period. Be nice and cordial but you have got to value yourself. I see nothing wrong with this, because SHE IS MAKING A CONSCIOUS DECISION TO DO IT. Even while you were majorly upset, SHE STILL DID IT. That is major disrespect and do you really want someone who can USE YOUR TRUST LIKE THAT? You can't change or control her ....you can only control yourself. If you tell her anything more, then it will go UNDERGROUND for certain, especially if she has feelings for him. Why disrespect yourself like this.

 

1). She is making a decision to act this way

2). She is making a decision to lie to you about it

3). She is monkey branching potentially...you may be plan b

4). She is not being supportive of your needs texting him during your breakdown

5). You have NO idea what other communication is going on, and never will

6). You have NO idea if you can really trust her going forward (this can drive you insane)

[Confusioncreepsin]

PS --- if they are going out now, this is MORE REASON for you to end your relationship with her. This is complete BS. Did you get invited? Did you ask to meet him and hang with them? I BET NOT. SCREW THIS and move on to someone that will not play monkey behind your back. If you try to do anything other than make your value and self worth known, you will appear weak and jealous and needy. Think about it but my take is to break up and to specify WHY to be fair and provide a reason. If she decides to do the right thing after some time passes, then great ...SHE MADE THE DECISION. But if not, then you dodged a bullet.

[kgcolonel]

John, if this is a relationship you're looking to salvage here is a thought that you might want to derive a variation of to give your GF a chance to clear the air.

 

Tell her that the level of engagement is a deal breaker unless she can prove that there is no improper activity. Let her decide what she can do to clear the air. Depending upon the relationship and trust I had, I would look to her to offer to show me the texts and to openly discuss her thoughts / benefits to one on one "dates" and how that affects your relationship with her.

 

If she doesn't offer anything, probably will turn the table and ask you, I would tell her that it appears that she wants to pursue a R with him and she is free to do so as a single, and that you'll do the same with someone else.

 

Her reactions will be the revealing answer.

[kgcolonel]

One more thing....if you and she are able to come to an agreement on the current status of the interactions with this new friend, you two need to establish a mutually agreed upon set of boundries. If you don't do this, you will see this issue reoccur.

[JohnEarly]

PS --- if they are going out now, this is MORE REASON for you to end your relationship with her. This is complete BS. Did you get invited? Did you ask to meet him and hang with them? I BET NOT. SCREW THIS and move on to someone that will not play monkey behind your back. If you try to do anything other than make your value and self worth known, you will appear weak and jealous and needy. Think about it but my take is to break up and to specify WHY to be fair and provide a reason. If she decides to do the right thing after some time passes, then great ...SHE MADE THE DECISION. But if not, then you dodged a bullet.

 

Thank you so much for your time trying to helping me, really, it means alot to me

 

Well i confronted her the most mature way possible, explaining what she made me feel, and that i considered it as a betray, she sounds rly depressed about this and really want me to not quit on her, what should i do?

[JohnEarly]

One more thing....if you and she are able to come to an agreement on the current status of the interactions with this new friend, you two need to establish a mutually agreed upon set of boundries. If you don't do this, you will see this issue reoccur.

 

Thanks alot for trying to helping me, it means alot like i said above...

 

Well i confronted her the most mature way possible, explaining what she made me feel, and that i considered it as a betray, she sounds rly depressed about this and really want me to not quit on her, what should i do? Its like... How will i recover from this if i keep getting memories from what ive read? Like, she all excited talking with him.. I think there's no way this relatinoship can go back from what it was... What do you think bro?

[JohnEarly]

I forgot to mention that basically i explained how i felt about this, and that i dont want her to contact me no more, because i felt way too betrayed about this and there was no way i could get back to this relationship... But the truth is that i love her.

 

Im sorry to not being able to explain in detail by detail but my mind is really weak atm...

Honestly, i think there is no way back, even if i love her and even if she keeps saying there's no feelings towards him, I cant really go back to a relationship where my gf shows more entusiasm talking to a friend then talking to me, i mean, cmon... I think im already putting love upon the REAL FACTS that she was thinking on going out with him again after i felt rly bad with this "dating style" out they had 2 weeks ago..

Edited November 30, 2015 by JohnEarly

[Confusioncreepsin]

She may sound depressed now but she didn't seemed depressed when she was talking with him. She didn't seem to be depressed when you were crying your eyes out. How depressed was she when she went on a date with him?

 

Man, don't fall for this crap. Honestly. The moment you expressed a concern earlier, if she really was concerned she would have responded properly and would have taken what you said to heart to save your special relationship.

 

Think of this way, and BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF:

 

How would you act if you were texting, messaging a girl like she was (lets pretend there was nothing there) and she had come to you and voiced concern? Would you blow it off or say you were just friends? Would you have been eager to prove you were just friends to resolve the issue? I bet you would have, especially if it was just a friend thing. Would you have invited her to go with you on a "date" with you friend to absolutely prove it was tame? Yes, you would have I bet.

 

Now did she respond that way? No....She just said "just friends" to get you off her back. Now she is depressed...is it because she is not sure of this "friend" yet to swing over to OR is she honestly blind and could not see what this was doing to you when you broke down in front of her?

 

I would tell her to have fun with her "friend" since it seems to mean more to her than your feelings right now, and to look you up later if things don't work out. Dude, OMMISSION is lying and she didn't tell you about the 9000 Facebook messages right? Have you asked to look at her phone to see what they are chatting about? I hate for you to play Shelock Holmes, but sometimes more evidence is warranted to make sure you are convinced to drop it.

 

I personally think she would have bent over backwards to make sure you were convinced of the friendship if she really deeply cared about your relationship..YOU WOULD HAVE, RIGHT?

[Confusioncreepsin]

Like I said, you can't control her or make her do anything, but you can control yourself and maintain your self respect and value. Did she ever bring up the fb messages in the context of your latest discussion? I bet not. Ask her if you can see her fb messages to this guy while you are right there to see them (don't warn her beforehand). Ask to see the phone... She will either allow you or will make up some stupid excuse (you don't trust me, your are being insecure, blah blah blah). At that point you have your answer....

[Buckeye7]

confusioncreepsin is spot on. You should maintain your dignity and just make her choose between you or flirting with this other dude

[mightycpa]

confusioncreepsin is spot on. You should maintain your dignity and just make her choose between you or flirting with this other dude

I say she has chosen already. It's not like OP never told her before, right?

 

OP, there is something you can learn from her behavior. She has set certain conditions for you to be with her. She wants you to accept that this guy will be her "special" friend, and if you don't it will cause trouble in your relationship. I'm going to tell you that she has every right in the world to do that. It's her life, and she should be able to live it on her terms. And that's what you need to learn.

 

Because you have that very same right. Just as she's figuring out whether or not you meet her needs, you're figuring out if she meets yours. In this case, the answer is clearly NO.

 

There are two possibilities:

 

1) He is just a friend, and if you cut her off from her friend, she's going to resent you, and that will cause problems in your relationship.

2) He's not just a friend, and if you cut her off from a romantic interest, she's going to either cheat, or dump you, or both.

 

Either way, there's a breakup coming. Why drag it out?

[JohnEarly]

So... She just called me and we talked for like an hour...

 

She keeps telling me he is only a friend and that she doesnt see him as more than that, i forgot to mention she does talk about me and our "bad phase" with him.. She also keeps asking me sorry for all of this, and saying she would stop talking with him if i want her to... Also told me she just went crying at the school dinner when she saw my message telling my point and how betrayed i felt, and he was the one helping her, not with hugs or wtv, only helping with talking...

 

I guess i kinda overreacted on this, what do you think? Having the fact that they still have 9k msgs on FB in like 2 months...

 

Once again, thank you SO much for helping me, your advices are really helping me separate things and see things clearly.

Edited November 30, 2015 by JohnEarly

[lolablue17]

In the 9K messages, is there some or one that implys she want him more than just a friend? If there is one, you didn't over reacted because it means she lied to you.

 

But if there wasn't, I advice you to leverage this situation to your interest. You can tell her that you don't want to control her. She can have guy friends, alghough she should be careful because guys can pretend to be friends while ambushing for their chance.

 

You can set boundaries. Yes guy friends, never one on one! about this guy... Because of her behavior with that guy, she must go full NC with him. If she agrees, and you didn't find anything incriminating in their messages, i wouldn't break up over this.

[mightycpa]

So... She just called me and we talked for like an hour...

 

She keeps telling me he is only a friend and that she doesnt see him as more than that, i forgot to mention she does talk about me and our "bad phase" with him.. She also keeps asking me sorry for all of this, and saying she would stop talking with him if i want her to... Also told me she just went crying at the school dinner when she saw my message telling my point and how betrayed i felt, and he was the one helping her, not with hugs or wtv, only helping with talking...

 

I guess i kinda overreacted on this, what do you think? Having the fact that they still have 9k msgs on FB in like 2 months...

 

Once again, thank you SO much for helping me, your advices are really helping me separate things and see things clearly.

Maybe you should make this guy your pal too... under the theory that you keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

[Confusioncreepsin]

So... She just called me and we talked for like an hour...

 

She keeps telling me he is only a friend and that she doesnt see him as more than that, i forgot to mention she does talk about me and our "bad phase" with him.. She also keeps asking me sorry for all of this, and saying she would stop talking with him if i want her to... Also told me she just went crying at the school dinner when she saw my message telling my point and how betrayed i felt, and he was the one helping her, not with hugs or wtv, only helping with talking...

 

I guess i kinda overreacted on this, what do you think? Having the fact that they still have 9k msgs on FB in like 2 months...

 

Once again, thank you SO much for helping me, your advices are really helping me separate things and see things clearly.

 

Overreacted?? Really? Come on....Crying about how you felt? Dude, she is suppose to be talking TO YOU about YOUR PROBLEMS....why is running to him? The crying stuff sounds like an effective way for you drop it since she feels bad now....I would not believe it for a second. She might be crying because she knows she is guilty too. So let's think logically for a second:

 

1). Has she admitted or offered up anything to prove he is a friend only?

2). Ask her to see Facebook messages and cell phone messages when you have both devices present where you can immediately see them upon request

3). If there is nothing to hide, then should she be ok with you seeing their discussions, hell even meeting the guy? ASK

4). Turn this around, would you act the same as what she is doing?

 

I personally see many red flags here, and I believe that something is being kept from you. I would drop the discussions about it and stop telling her she betrayed you etc. I would simply ask to see the Facebook messages and her cell when they are near you and watch her ACTIONS...NOT WORDS. Simple as that. If she denies you or screams privacy, you have your answer and I would base my decision on that. If she is open and lets you see both of them, then ask her to meet him on their next DATE. Watch her ACTIONS...words mean nothing.

 

Nothing wrong in asking is there? But I would not mention it anymore until you are ready to ask to read those discussions on fb and cell, then drop the question...see the results.

[Confusioncreepsin]

I may sound a little "low tolerance" here, but man I hate seeing someone monkey branch over with little regard or respect for you. I may be completely wrong, but like others have said, friends need to be friends of the relationship not one on one. You have said she has discussed your relationship issues with a guy she has know for 2 months, she has 9k fb messages that you have read that included kissy kissy ****, and she is seeing him by herself.

 

You need to really go with a surprise asking her just randomly to read that in front of her. You should also invite yourself to their next meeting, finding out when and where they will be and just pop in. Ask her first if you can go and meet this guy that has captured her attention so easily. If she says no, then just show up and watch her actions and body language. Im telling you, if it feels off then just end it. No need for the rollercoaster....

 

Again, I am trying to protect you in this cause I hate this **** since it has been done to me before.

[kgcolonel]

I agree with most everything so far, especially the request to see the messages. She, however should offer this as opposed to you're having to ask. One way you might "help her to this step" would be the "if the roles were reversed, I would want you to see the conversations to show me expressing how important this relationship is to me" approach. She should be intuitive enough to be able to take the lead here.

 

This could be a misunderstanding and if it is, a critical lesson should be learned as to the importance of never opening the door to "appearing to be doing something wrong". Issues should be discussed between the two parties and not with a third party, especially of the opposite sex. It is one thing to have a girlfriend to vent to but not a guy who may have their own motives that are not conducive to your relationship.

[Blanco]

Counterpoint: I spoke to my long-ago ex when I was having issues with my last relationship. We hadn't been together in years, so neither of us viewed the other as anything more than friends.

 

The reason I would go to hear with these issues was because it was nice to get a female perspective on the problem du jour. In fact, very often, she would side with my now-ex, or at least, present a perspective that pushed back against my side of things. I found it helpful, though I knew that a lot of people would consider these conversations inappropriate on principle alone.

 

Counter counterpoint: We men are dogs, so unless your gal is a dud, there's almost a non-zero chance that this guy wouldn't jump at a chance to hook up with her. I understand your uncomfortable feelings about this supposed friendship.

[chapter44]

You are on a slippery slope here. The whole situation seems troubling to me. 9,000 messages is a lot and while I respect her need for friendship it shouldn't be at the expense of your feelings. I would tell her exactly how you feel about it and hopefully she will respond by being sensitive to your concerns.

 

 

In my experience when someone is starting to communicate more with someone else then they are with their significant other it becomes a problem. Of course she is going to tell you you're overreacting. I've always believed you shouldn't do anything that you wouldn't do in front of your significant other - to me its simple.

[Kevin_D]

"Just a friend"... That's what my girlfriend of 6.5 years told me as well. That he was just a friend. That I was being overly jealous and that I should feel bad for not trusting her. Because she had always been so loyal to me...

 

Then, after a couple of months, she stabbed me in the back and jumped right into a relationship with him. She didn't even try to hide it. Two years later, I must say that this has been one of the hardest parts to accept. That she didn't seem to feel any guilt for lying to me for all those months.

 

Girls nowadays have been become bullet proof in a way. If you tell her not to talk to him again, you're an insecure *******. If you don't say anything, you're a weak pussy. And finally, if you dump her, she'll be able to play the victim and run straight to him, without feeling any guilt whatsoever.

 

I have a feeling many women use this to their advantage. Gaslighting. Your gut feeling tells you that something is very wrong, but you don't want to be the jealous guy... So you bottle up. And bottle up. Until your self-confidence is completely gone. Then one night, after a few drinks, you yell at her. And BAM, she's gone! Telling everyone how you were abusive and that she didn't feel safe with you. That she finally built up to courage so that she could leave you and be with someone who respects her. And naturally, all her friends will support her, making it very easy for her suppress any feelings of guilt.

 

I think this is one of those cases where you have to fight fire with fire. Work out more, buy new clothes, hang out with your friends, make new female friends... Built up some new momentum in your life. This will make you more attractive to her, as well as other girls. Women want what other women want.

[JohnEarly]

Here i am again, im sorry for not be answering all your helps 1 by 1, i swear to gods i have read all of them like 10 times each and they mean ALOT to me.

 

So here it goes my update.. We talked alot yesterday, she sounded really honest to me, since she really wanna make friends on the new college cus she is struggling with that EVEN if its weird AF talking so much with that guy, she agreed on cutting the virtual contact, IDK IF SHE WILL OBEY IT, BUT SHE AGREED. Anyways, today im feeling like i should just had gone with the NC and forget her for once, i messaged her 1h ago with important stuff, and no ****ing answer from her, and she is on facebook sharing stuff and ****s, EVEN IF THIS SOUNDS OBSSESSIVE AF, THIS DRIVES ME CRAZY FFS, THIS RELATIONSHIP IS TURNING REALLY UNHEALTHY TO ME, BUT AT THE SAME TIME, I DIDNT WANTED TO QUIT ON HER... Oh man i really have to be more careful about getting that attached to someone next time, this is driving me crazy, im turning obssessive with her, and thats not good to me cus even an 1h delay simple ****ing answer drives me crazy man...

[JohnEarly]

**** man i screwed this, i should just had listened to u guys who said to leave her... She was driving crazy about losing me that way, and i should just had stick to it and make her understand how important am i to her, for a while, for some weeks... EVEN IF IT SOUNDS PRETTY MEAN DOING THIS TO HER. RN i gave her all the reason and she doesnt feel guilt anymore and im just regretting hard forgiving her from that, like... 3 days later.

 

Man why the hell cant we control our instincts ffs... RN it wouldnt made sense to do NC and she would just get sick of this whole mess im creating and get over me for once you know... Conclusion: I screwed this.

IM FEELING SO STUPID TO QUIT ON THE RAGE AND NC 3 DAYS LATER, REALLY, i think ive never felt this pissed off before, it ****ing looks like the only solution for this whole mess is really forget her, even if i love her h a r d

Edited December 1, 2015 by JohnEarly

[lolablue17]

**** man i screwed this, i should just had listened to u guys who said to leave her... She was driving crazy about losing me that way, and i should just had stick to it and make her understand how important am i to her, for a while, for some weeks... EVEN IF IT SOUNDS PRETTY MEAN DOING THIS TO HER. RN i gave her all the reason and she doesnt feel guilt anymore and im just regretting hard forgiving her from that, like... 3 days later.

 

Man why the hell cant we control our instincts ffs... RN it wouldnt made sense to do NC and she would just get sick of this whole mess im creating and get over me for once you know... Conclusion: I screwed this.

IM FEELING SO STUPID TO QUIT ON THE RAGE AND NC 3 DAYS LATER, REALLY, i think ive never felt this pissed off before, it ****ing looks like the only solution for this whole mess is really forget her, even if i love her h a r d

 

Don't be so hard with yourself. You're doing fine. You have the control. Do you want to leave her? Do it. But I advice not immediately. Everything you can do today, you can do it tomorrow, next week, of next month.

 

You are too pissed right now. If you go NC now, you might regret it to morrow. The best thing for you is not to take any decision in the next few days. Relax, calm down, and then you'll know better what exactly do you want.