Girlfriend of 3 years left me for another man

[Nightwriter]

So a couple of months ago, my girlfriend of 3 years left me for another man. She basically saw him behind my back for a bit and decided he was the one for her.

 

This was devastating for me of course, but partially because she was a person who I never thought would do this. We both talked about how bad this type of things was. I know she felt some guilt from it, but she still went forward with the relationship.

 

I have been thinking of writing her a letter to tell her the real consequences for her actions, how it truly destroyed me. It's not really to get her back, but to get her to stop seeing this guy (though she might try to come back, but that isn't the main purpose). I know it might not work, but I feel so helpless otherwise while she is happy. Is this a bad idea?

[Radu]

Yes, it's a bad idea.

 

If the goal is to get some revenge (and it sounds like it), or to just make sure that your ego is ok by not letting this guy have her .... well, the best way is to move on, put her out of your mind, and get a better gf.

Do not live your life to show her up or to just plain punish her; just live your life, as she most likely will check up on you anyway.

 

Futhermore, even when she does contact you late on, telling her 'she hurt you' is a bad idea.

You are engaging her in a discussion, treating her as an equal and it is implied, value-ing her.

Otoh having a 'the past is the past, i don't wish to discuss it, you do whatever you want, stop contacting me' attitude, is way better. And yes attitude, it is a huge difference between having the above attitude and saying it (actions matter more than words).

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I'm sorry you are hurting but if your intention is to break them up, then yes it is a bad idea because it won't work. No amount of guilt or emotional blackmail will change that, she has made her choice. If anything, what you are considering doing will likely drive them closer together and make her pity you.

 

You have no control over what she does so all you can do is focus on the things you do have control over, and that is yourself. Spend time working out, spending time with friends, and find happiness without her. No contact could also help you heal.

 

I know it will be hard but you owe it to yourself to not let this consume you.

Edited November 30, 2015 by Scarlett.O'hara

[mightycpa]

So basically, you want to tell her how bad you feel? You think she doesn't know that?

 

I have to believe that if she could wave a magic wand and make you feel better, she'd do it. But she can't, and she knew that when she let you go. You were an unavoidable casualty, and she could live with that.

 

I'm not going to tell you that she doesn't care, but I will say that how much you hurt doesn't concern her all that much. She doesn't think that you're fragile and that you won't recover. She thinks you'll be fine, and she can certainly live with what she's done.

 

You think you're telling her something new but you're not. You're crying out for her sympathy, and the best you're going to get is pity.

 

Is that what you really want? Her pity? I don't think so. Cry to yourself, in private, or if you must, do it here. Don't drag her into your misery because she's not going to help you with this in any way, and she's liable to make you feel even worse.

[Nightwriter]

Okay thanks guys. I am processing what you are saying. I know my emotional state isn't one of clarity so I'm glad to get opinions.

 

I guess one of the things I'm confused about is how a person who said she would never do this actually did this. It make me truly afraid to be in another relationship. I have said I would never do this either, and what's to prevent me from hurting a woman like that in the future? I guess one thing is that I understand the pain she caused being the recipient. I don't know if she truly grasps it unless she felt it before (which she didn't).

[mightycpa]

Okay thanks guys. I am processing what you are saying. I know my emotional state isn't one of clarity so I'm glad to get opinions.

 

I guess one of the things I'm confused about is how a person who said she would never do this actually did this. It make me truly afraid to be in another relationship. I have said I would never do this either, and what's to prevent me from hurting a woman like that in the future? I guess one thing is that I understand the pain she caused being the recipient. I don't know if she truly grasps it unless she felt it before (which she didn't).

A couple of things:

 

1) It is very unfair for you to project her actions onto other people. They may do it, they may not. You never know, but you can't pre-judge them. Fear of that is irrational, even if it happens a couple of times. Just about everybody gets cheated on once or twice. People make mistakes, big ones. It happens, and while it doesn't feel good, you just need to accept it. Usually it is not personal in the sense that they mean to hurt you. It's just selfish.

 

2) Just about everybody I know who has reached the age of 30 has been both on the receiving end of heartbreak, and on the giving end of it. It is a rite of passage, and when you experience the other side, you see that it isn't so easy there either... although being a dumper is a lot easier. Anyway, the point is that this is a risk we take for love, and generally, the first couple attempts don't work out forever.

 

3) The last thing you need to worry about is how your love life is going to work out in the future. You can worry about it when the time comes. What you need to worry about now is your emotional health. You should feel sadness, anger, betrayal, all sorts of things that you've got to work through. That's what you need to be spending time on.

 

4) Last, speaking of spending time, you really need to mix up your routine. It's like a heroin addict who shoots up on Friday night. The body expects it then, and it gears up for it. If this same person shoots up on Tuesday night out of the blue, same dosage, he's liable to kill himself, because his body doesn't expect it. In the same vein, your mind and body have some routines now. Maybe you always ate dinner at 6PM, or you washed your clothes on Tuesday night, or watched a particular show together. You need to move your dinner time, change your laundry day and watch that show on another day and time. You need to break the bonds of habit and memory, and your mind will reward you with some new positive chemical reactions as it gets used to change. This will help you, as will exercise, and expressing all those emotions you're feeling. This whole thing is hard, but there are tricks that can help. Use them.

[Nightwriter]

Thanks for your reply. I should see what I can do for trying 4) I'm definitely going through all of 3) right now, two months in.

 

As far as pre-judging, it's more that I thought I had my own radar tuned well to not find cheaters. And the reality is, she had been in our relationship a person who was honest to a fault. When I tried to take advantage of different situations (not illegal), she was the one who told me to think about the ethics of it. That's why this shocked me.

 

So either I can't trust my radar for people or almost anyone would cheat given the right circumstances. Both scenarios suck.

 

Also, she has been dumped before but never been cheated on, nor has she cheated before.

[marky00]

Hi ..

 

I think your next course of action is staying No Contact.

 

However, if some contact happens down the line.... I would definitely suggest you never bring up the new bf with her. Honestly he shouldn't be involved in your discussions at all. Ultimately that will come off as more attractive behavior because it shows you think your pretty awesome and you are jealous of nobody. Not saying you should use this directly as a ploy to get her back (because she will see through it). But, behaving like would be your best bet.... if reconciliation was ever going to occur.

 

Think of it this way. You have a brief chat with your Ex and say nothing at all about the new bf and how it bothers you etc. Somehow the new bf finds out and gets jealous that she was even talking to you. See whats happened here... you just trumped her new bf.

 

A lot of people on here think hope is your biggest enemy and they may be right. In my opinion, a small degree of hope that doesn't drag you down and rule your life is ok. If that's the way you want to go (that's what i am doing), dont ever mention the new bf.

Edited November 30, 2015 by marky00

[lolablue17]

I agree with everyone else. The best thing for you is to move on. If you have a motivation to make her feel "something", the best way to do it is to live a good life.

 

If she noticed that you have an new Gf, you're happy having a great life, this is the way to make her feel "something" (feeling "sorry" for example).

 

If you feel you must writing her a letter - Do it only after you finish fulfilling your tasks i've mentioned above (being in a happy relationship, living a good life). Only then, right her the letter (of course if you're happy you may ask your self what's the point sending her anything but this is too early to think about)

[Confusioncreepsin]

Read this and see if it applied :

 

AT ANY COST: Saving your Life after Loving a Borderline.

[Nightwriter]

Thanks for the link. I've thought about whether she is BPD, but other than the cheating and suddenly leaving me for him, she didn't have extreme reactions or have reckless behavior during our relationship. I could concede that maybe she is mildly BPD but even then I'm not sure.

 

On the other hand, the behavior that describes me in the article is accurate in some ways. Shocked, confused, want her back. But I never tolerated abuse during our relationship. If she was the type of person who threw tantrums, I would have left long ago.

 

Also for others, I've been in NC, which is why I brought up the question of the letter.

[mightycpa]

Thanks for your reply. I should see what I can do for trying 4) I'm definitely going through all of 3) right now, two months in.

Yeah, that's still early in the process. It does take time, and if it didn't, you didn't really love her.

As far as pre-judging, it's more that I thought I had my own radar tuned well to not find cheaters.

While I agree that there is such a thing as a cheater (serial cheater), I also think that cheating is a crime of motivation and opportunity, much like a starving person stealing bread; the circumstances need to be compelling. So regardless of all this:

And the reality is, she had been in our relationship a person who was honest to a fault. When I tried to take advantage of different situations (not illegal), she was the one who told me to think about the ethics of it. That's why this shocked me.

I think all three of your observations below are much closer to the truth

So either (1) I can't trust my radar for people or (2) almost anyone would cheat given the right circumstances. (3) Both scenarios suck.

To focus on your radar for a moment:

Also, she has been dumped before but never been cheated on, nor has she cheated before.

Who really knows, and that's irrelevant anyway, as you can plainly see. As people get older, and they've been through things, they change. It is likely that your uber-honest cheating girlfriend, should she ever find herself in similar circumstances, will do things a little differently and break someone's heart with some integrity rather than with deceit. So your chances are pretty good that you're less likely to run into that as the years go on.

 

Anyway, good luck with your recovery. Try not to slip into bitterness.

[Radu]

Okay thanks guys. I am processing what you are saying. I know my emotional state isn't one of clarity so I'm glad to get opinions.

 

I guess one of the things I'm confused about is how a person who said she would never do this actually did this. It make me truly afraid to be in another relationship. I have said I would never do this either, and what's to prevent me from hurting a woman like that in the future? I guess one thing is that I understand the pain she caused being the recipient. I don't know if she truly grasps it unless she felt it before (which she didn't).

 

A couple of theories.

Many times ppl who say that are young and don't have the life experience to truly understand what it means. Someone who has experienced that in their family or a time before and decided to act this way will be far more entrenched into that opinion.

Something said in the moment, validated in the moment, should never be held in too much value ... look at actions over a longer period of time.

 

Bottom line is that she had the chance to act better, not selfish, etc ... but she chose her own (temporary) happiness over this.

And you want to go to this selfish person and tell her that she hurt you ?

Sure she will say sorry, she might even fake some kind of response because it is socially acceptable that she not be a b*tch, but when you step back and look at her past and present/future actions, you will see exactly this.

 

You do not matter to her in the grand scheme of things, and once you come to accept this and understand to look at actions, you will be able to move on and find something better.

And you doing very well in the long run will hurt her badly (because she is selfish and thinks she deserves more).

[Radu]

Thanks for the link. I've thought about whether she is BPD, but other than the cheating and suddenly leaving me for him, she didn't have extreme reactions or have reckless behavior during our relationship. I could concede that maybe she is mildly BPD but even then I'm not sure.

 

On the other hand, the behavior that describes me in the article is accurate in some ways. Shocked, confused, want her back. But I never tolerated abuse during our relationship. If she was the type of person who threw tantrums, I would have left long ago.

 

Also for others, I've been in NC, which is why I brought up the question of the letter.

 

That is standard for all ppl who get dumped.

 

The initial reaction, instinctive one, is to put more into the relationship (or try to rekindle it), when you get dumped.

However, if this is accepted the new relationship negociated is one where you put in most of the work and she puts in the least ammount. In effect it is like she is worth several times what you are worth.

 

Unless she's a sadist, this kind of relationship will always end up in misery and despair because long term, she needs to respect you to love you.

[marky00]

That is standard for all ppl who get dumped.

 

The initial reaction, instinctive one, is to put more into the relationship (or try to rekindle it), when you get dumped.

However, if this is accepted the new relationship negociated is one where you put in most of the work and she puts in the least ammount. In effect it is like she is worth several times what you are worth.

 

Unless she's a sadist, this kind of relationship will always end up in misery and despair because long term, she needs to respect you to love you.

 

This is so true.

 

Have to admit I did that mistake. Well its not really a mistake I guess.

 

2 years before the final break-up she said she wanted a break-up. I managed to negotiate a 2nd chance after flying to her country unexpectedly 2 days later. There simply was nothing else that could create this impact. Well it worked.

 

But yes, I think overtime that set a yardstick of me putting in heaps and trying to keep the relationship exiting and different.

 

Sure, I was working on myself as well and I made some improvements but I think the extra trying kind of over-shadows the self-improvement and does lead to that loss of respect like you said.

 

But at the end of the day, what can you do. I mean if she is wanting to leave.... you can't just play games with her and show her how much you have changed blah blah. You need to make effort to initially want her to stay so you can show her the improvements. So basically your stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Edited November 30, 2015 by marky00

[Downtown]

1) It is very unfair for you to project her actions onto other people. They may do it, they may not. You never know, but you can't pre-judge them. Fear of that is irrational, even if it happens a couple of times. Just about everybody gets cheated on once or twice. People make mistakes, big ones. It happens, and while it doesn't feel good, you just need to accept it. Usually it is not personal in the sense that they mean to hurt you. It's just selfish.

 

2) Just about everybody I know who has reached the age of 30 has been both on the receiving end of heartbreak, and on the giving end of it. It is a rite of passage, and when you experience the other side, you see that it isn't so easy there either... although being a dumper is a lot easier. Anyway, the point is that this is a risk we take for love, and generally, the first couple attempts don't work out forever.

 

3) The last thing you need to worry about is how your love life is going to work out in the future. You can worry about it when the time comes. What you need to worry about now is your emotional health. You should feel sadness, anger, betrayal, all sorts of things that you've got to work through. That's what you need to be spending time on.

 

4) Last, speaking of spending time, you really need to mix up your routine. It's like a heroin addict who shoots up on Friday night. The body expects it then, and it gears up for it. If this same person shoots up on Tuesday night out of the blue, same dosage, he's liable to kill himself, because his body doesn't expect it. In the same vein, your mind and body have some routines now. Maybe you always ate dinner at 6PM, or you washed your clothes on Tuesday night, or watched a particular show together. You need to move your dinner time, change your laundry day and watch that show on another day and time. You need to break the bonds of habit and memory, and your mind will reward you with some new positive chemical reactions as it gets used to change. This will help you, as will exercise, and expressing all those emotions you're feeling. This whole thing is hard, but there are tricks that can help. Use them.

Great post, MightyCPA! And "in the same vein" is an especially nice touch.