He broke up with me

[courtneykay]

And it came out of nowhere. I'm really upset right now and on my phone so this won't be super detailed. We have been together two years, the past five months have been long distance. I truly believed he was "the one" as did all my family and friends. We spoke often of spending our lives together and everyone has been asking me when I'm getting engaged. Though long distance was hard we made it work, face timing every night and frequent (expensive) visits. I just got back from visiting him, and on the last night he took me out to a very nice, romantic, dinner and told me how much he loved me, and talked about me moving out there, etc.

 

Tonight I was texting him about our next visit and he asked to call. He did and told me he wanted to break up as he didn't think I was the one he was meant to be with. He really didn't give me many reasons, other than that. He said he couldn't be supportive of me with my anxiety and was growing impatient. He also mentioned things like how we don't talk about deep things a lot...the problem here is we never argue. He never brought any of these things to my attention so we could work to fix things. Of course I begged and pleaded that he give us a chance but he said no. I know no contact is the best thing, but it's hard when this was honestly a great relationship. I'm so embarrassed and shocked and don't know what to do. I truly believed we were going to grow old together.

[anonymousbear00101100]

Sounds a lot like what happened to me, though mine was less blindsided because we'd been arguing the past couple of weeks constantly.

 

It's likely he's been feeling this way for a bit now, and just didn't know what his true feelings were and didn't want to bring it up until he knew. I know it's hard. Long distance makes it so hard because you never can quite 100% gauge the emotional state of the other person. You will always feel like they're just having a bad day and making a mistake they will regret later, so you string yourself along.

 

Distance also makes trying to talk about it so much harder. The exact same thing happened to me, and she would just take hours replying to my texts and questions. When she did reply I'd get "I TOLD YOU ALREADY" but I she hadn't. I believe this is because they themselves are still doubting their decision, and pressuring them for answers that they don't know makes it worse.

 

Go no contact. For at least a week, maybe two. Let him calm down. Let yourself calm down. If you feel like you still want to talk to him about this, then ask to Skype or FaceTime, and just try to talk about why he did this, and if he still feels that way. I think most people on here would tell you to never talk to him ever again, but I know the frustration of not being able to get answers out of somebody because of the distance. Just know that his decision will likely not change in two weeks, but I will say it felt better for me getting a few more answers from my ex (that really might not be a good decision though).

 

Be strong. He won't move on in the no contact period, so don't feel desperate that you have the clock running against you (I did. It's one of the worst feelings I've ever had). If he's really stressed or exhausted, pressing him now is going to do no good. Wait it out for a few weeks, and if you still really want those answers, the risk might be worth taking.

[marky00]

Prolly best to go and stay NC. Any further contact will just give you more questions and a head spin.

 

His reasons were kinda similar to the ones given by my EX.

 

When you love someone, sometimes we can love them a little too much and can lead to a situation where we don't want to rock the boat so to speak. We tend to like the status quo and are willing to let things slide when our partner does something that maybe should have been challenged.

 

Even though, u were perfectly happy with the situation, why shouldn't u be, u were in love after all. However your partner may have seen it another way...i.e wondering why you weren't challenging him when he should have been challenged (at least that is what he felt).

 

Dont be too hard on yourself but.... its a very common relationship dynamic that happens, one person goes in and fights for the relationship whereas the other is just there almost looking at faults and wondering if there is a better option.

 

Once they pick up your walking on egg shells.... its hard to turn that dynamic around.

 

My Ex was very similar to your bf. She would never really open up and was almost baiting me into challenging the wall she was putting up. I think your bf was doing something similar. Its quite stupid on their part. Just a little communication and drop the wall a little and things could have been different. That is on him... not you.

Edited November 27, 2015 by marky00

[courtneykay]

Sounds a lot like what happened to me, though mine was less blindsided because we'd been arguing the past couple of weeks constantly.

 

It's likely he's been feeling this way for a bit now, and just didn't know what his true feelings were and didn't want to bring it up until he knew. I know it's hard. Long distance makes it so hard because you never can quite 100% gauge the emotional state of the other person. You will always feel like they're just having a bad day and making a mistake they will regret later, so you string yourself along.

 

Distance also makes trying to talk about it so much harder. The exact same thing happened to me, and she would just take hours replying to my texts and questions. When she did reply I'd get "I TOLD YOU ALREADY" but I she hadn't. I believe this is because they themselves are still doubting their decision, and pressuring them for answers that they don't know makes it worse.

 

Go no contact. For at least a week, maybe two. Let him calm down. Let yourself calm down. If you feel like you still want to talk to him about this, then ask to Skype or FaceTime, and just try to talk about why he did this, and if he still feels that way. I think most people on here would tell you to never talk to him ever again, but I know the frustration of not being able to get answers out of somebody because of the distance. Just know that his decision will likely not change in two weeks, but I will say it felt better for me getting a few more answers from my ex (that really might not be a good decision though).

 

Be strong. He won't move on in the no contact period, so don't feel desperate that you have the clock running against you (I did. It's one of the worst feelings I've ever had). If he's really stressed or exhausted, pressing him now is going to do no good. Wait it out for a few weeks, and if you still really want those answers, the risk might be worth taking.

 

Here's the crappy part, he told me he had been having doubts since July, right when he was moving across the country. I have gone out to visit him multiple times, he took me to a wedding to have me meet all of his extended family, and he has had so many opportunities to say something. But instead he waits until I am about to graduate, have been applying for jobs in his area, and on thanksgiving of all days. I just feel sick to my stomach. He was acting like everything was perfect. I know no contact is the best way to go, it's just going to be so hard. My sister told me the same thing and encouraged me to delete his number, social media, etc, but it's so hard. I've given people this advice before but never thought I would have to use it myself.

 

Prolly best to go and stay NC. Any further contact will just give you more questions and a head spin.

 

His reasons were kinda similar to the ones given by my EX.

 

When you love someone, sometimes we can love them a little too much and can lead to a situation where we don't want to rock the boat so to speak. We tend to like the status quo and are willing to let things slide when our partner does something that maybe should have been challenged.

 

Even though, u were perfectly happy with the situation, why shouldn't u be, u were in love after all. However your partner may have seen it another way...i.e wondering why you weren't challenging him when he should have been challenged (at least that is what he felt).

 

Dont be too hard on yourself but.... its a very common relationship dynamic that happens, one person goes in and fights for the relationship whereas the other is just there almost looking at faults and wondering if there is a better option.

 

Once they pick up your walking on egg shells.... its hard to turn that dynamic around.

 

My Ex was very similar to your bf. She would never really open up and was almost baiting me into challenging the wall she was putting up. I think your bf was doing something similar. Its quite stupid on their part. Just a little communication and drop the wall a little and things could have been different. That is on him... not you.

 

Thank you for your response. I know you are right. I just wish he would have mentioned these things that are problems so we could have tried to work them out instead of being quiet about it and never bringing it up until he breaks up with me. It's hard not to blame it all on myself when he says that I am just not the one for him, yet I feel he's the one for me. He said he is in love with me but doesn't know what he wants and isn't going to lead me on. It's just so out of the blue and I am shocked. I don't know where to go from here or how to live life normally

[marky00]

I have gone out to visit him multiple times, he took me to a wedding to have me meet all of his extended family, and he has had so many opportunities to say something. But instead he waits until I am about to graduate, have been applying for jobs in his area, and on thanksgiving of all days. I just feel sick to my stomach. He was acting like everything was perfect.

 

 

 

Yes this is common story with dumpees. I believe i have a rationale answer to why this happens to 90 percent of dumpees.

 

I think what happens is kinda like the push-pull theory. Somehow deep in ur subconcious you may have sensed he was drifting slightly. Your response in your mind and poosibly in actions is to step up and chase him back.

 

The reason he may have left till your graduation was because he would have known that you would have pushed to go to the next level...in other words your being stuck in your studies may have suited him somewhat. HIs response was to pull back and ultimately breakup.

 

Since dumpees always talk about "i was gonna marry him" etc on here so much, I believe my explanation is the only plausible reason behind the majority of these cases.

Edited November 27, 2015 by marky00

[ExpatInItaly]

What do you mean when you said he couldn't be supportive of your anxiety? Had there been issues relating to this?

[courtneykay]

Yes this is common story with dumpees. I believe i have a rationale answer to why this happens to 90 percent of dumpees.

 

I think what happens is kinda like the push-pull theory. Somehow deep in ur subconcious you may have sensed he was drifting slightly. Your response in your mind and poosibly in actions is to step up and chase him back.

 

The reason he may have left till your graduation was because he would have known that you would have pushed to go to the next level...in other words your being stuck in your studies may have suited him somewhat. HIs response was to pull back and ultimately breakup.

 

Since dumpees always talk about "i was gonna marry him" etc on here so much, I believe my explanation is the only plausible reason behind the majority of these cases.

 

That makes sense. The more I pushed him the more he pulled away. I just can't help but wonder why he strung me along and led me to believe he wanted the same thing, and then just ripped it all out from under me. It's just hard because he said he was still in love with me but he "had" to do this. I feel sick at the thought of not being with him. I don't know how I can do NC.

 

What do you mean when you said he couldn't be supportive of your anxiety? Had there been issues relating to this?

 

I have general anxiety and emetophobia, but both have been manageable and I have been steadily getting better. He was my biggest support system, there to comfort me when I needed it. He convinced me to try going off my SSRI even, and I did it in attempt to get better and improve so it didn't weigh on our relationship. For the most part when I am panicking I prefer to handle it on my own, so it's confusing to me he says this was such a problem. When I went out to visit him I did have one of the worst panic attacks I had in a while, but we went on a walk and he told me how much he loved me despite it...in the end apparently his words weren't true because he says he can't support me.

[marky00]

. I just can't help but wonder why he strung me along and led me to believe he wanted the same thing, and then just ripped it all out from under me. It's just hard because he said he was still in love with me but he "had" to do this.

 

Another common response by dumpees.

 

Here's why he didn't tell you earlier:

 

1) No one enjoys breaking hearts

 

2) He did still enjoy your company as he was enjoying the perks of the relationship. Until the stakes got too high, he probably wanted to keep it going for himself.

 

3) It can take a while for one to recognize they have in fact fallen out of love. He may have been going through the motions for a while and wasn't till he had some thinking time that he was able to recognize those feelings.

 

Ask yourself this but.... would you really have preferred that he told you 1 year ago or so?

 

I mean if you really loved him, then everyday you knew him was probably worth it if you know what I mean. Who knows. maybe if he cut you off 6 months into the relationship you might have posted here saying "u never had a chance" "he never got to see the real me". Because he hang around longer that may have helped to extinguish some of these potential questions.

 

At least you were able to give a good crack at the relationship which is better than a lot of dumpees can say on this website.

[lolablue17]

He cares about you, that's why he was trying to give you logical reasons for the break up. Probably all the reasons are BS. he's lost some interest in you. In your last visit he was probably trying to feel the spark, but after you left, he made his decision.

 

I don't think you have a chance. it's nothing you really can do about it. You can fix almost everything, except "losing interest". What you can do is thinking how did you not see it coming, and how can you think something is perfect, while it's actually not. This is one f the bad things in LDR - You don't really know what's happening...

 

So your lesson might be "never be in LDR".

[courtneykay]

We had another FaceTime conversation to clear up some questions I had and figure out where to go from here. I guess his main reason is he feels that we have both been immature in our relationship and he thinks we both need time to grow as people, just not together.

 

I still feel angry he won't give us a chance to work things out, and I think luckily the anger is making it easier for me not to contact him. He said in his ideal world we would try things again in half a year or so, and that he wants to remain friends. Actually his wording was he wants us to be more than friends but not girlfriend and boyfriend, but he knows I don't deserve to be treated that way.

 

Despite everything, I still am deeply in love with him and I feel like he is the person I should end up with. I know people say that all the time, so who knows, maybe I am wrong. I am going to do no contact the best that I can and hope that he will come around, though I know I should keep my expectations low.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, I think your best bet is No Contact. You can't be expected to be okay with friendship right now. Maybe in time, but not for a while. That would hurt you too much.

[courtneykay]

Yes, I think your best bet is No Contact. You can't be expected to be okay with friendship right now. Maybe in time, but not for a while. That would hurt you too much.

 

My thoughts exactly. I know I will want something more. I'm just trying to do my best not to contact him though I want to so badly. I just pray that he will realize that he is making a mistake, but it sounds like that may never happen.

[lana-banana]

For your own sanity you need to forget everything he said about ending up together later. People say a lot of stuff like this when they break up, probably in an attempt to make the other person feel better (even though it never does and is always such an obstacle to healing). Forget it. It won't happen.

 

You are both very young, and he's right that you both need a chance to grow and find yourselves. You have so much growing to do! You will change more from 20 to 25 and 25 to 30 than you ever thought possible. Concentrate on having new experiences while you tend to the amazing woman you're becoming. If you do it right you will have moments when you're in awe of your own qualities.

 

Based on your previous threads it sounds like he's been trying to end things for a while but been too passive and uncertain to seal the deal. The man you're going to grow old with won't treat you this way. He will work his ass off to show he loves you just as you will for him. However, you shouldn't worry about Mr. Right now. Focus on the one person you love, will spend your life with, and have to come home to whether you're in a relationship or not---you!