Sudden breakup, little closure, no idea how to move forward (Updated)

[jrode23]

I'm 28 with a modest dating history. My girlfriend (25) of almost a year and a half just broke up with me out of the clear blue and I am an absolute wreck. She was my longest relationship to date and I don't know what to do, how to cope (other than just drink), and how to move on from this. I don't think there is any hope of getting back together as it seemed pretty definitive (she took her things from my place, gave my key back, etc).

 

There was absolutely no closure and she couldn't give me a reason as to why she was doing it other than, "I don't know, I just don't see us five years down the road," which I found to be a load of crap. She said she loves me, but just didn't know how else to explain it or why she was doing it.

 

We had a great relationship. Sure, we had our moments (one three months ago where we gave each other space for a bit and then sorted it out) and she has been super stressed with working a ton of hours lately, but nothing that I would have seen leading to this. She said I have done stuff for her that no guy ever has before (e.g. get her flowers for Valentine's Day, get chocolate covered strawberries sent to her firm when she was stressed/swamped, etc) and she has mentioned before she saw a future. She wasn't the greatest at communicating her feelings, but she did make them clear once in awhile.

 

I just don't know what to do or how to move on from this. How do you just completely write someone who has been a part of your life consistently for over a year off? I can't even begin to think about dating ever again without comparing/thinking of her/etc. I am so lost. I am so confused. I'm so gutted. I feel like I have nothing left and that all of me went with her when she walked out the door.

 

I don't want to let go. I'm not ready to.

Edited October 15, 2015 by jrode23

[Toodaloo]

You only just broke up. Its normal to be floored.

 

Do.

1. Call your friends

2. Go out and get fresh air as much as possible

3. Get to the gym or what ever you enjoy doing that gets you out of the house and getting fit

4. Visit family

5. Clean your house

6. Clear out your old clothes and get some new that you like

7. Set yourself a challenge each day such as run a mile, clear that ironing pile etc

 

Do Not

1. Call her

2. Stalk her on facebook/ Twitter etc

3. Email

4. Go near where she is living, working or her friends

5. Wallow

6. Isolate yourself

7. Hide in your house

 

Your ex didn't see a future. There were communication problems. The reality is that you are probably a perfectly decent bloke who is a rough diamond but she just didn't want to be with you long term.

 

Fact. You found love once you can and will find it again.

Fact. Next time you can look for women who are better communicators and who will work through issues rather than run away from them.

Fact. This girl didn't love you. That is why she left. You deserve someone who does.

 

Give yourself time. Its early days. You will recover.

 

Chin up chook.

[jrode23]

I just don't get all the mixed messages. Were they lies? Was there truth in it? I just don't understand how these things only manifest when she's having a chaotic time and is super stressed out and the rest of the time, we seem great.

 

I'm also realizing I have isolated myself. I got comfortable with her group of friends for the past year plus and, when the handful of people I still talked to/occasionally hung out/was friends with drifted away into their own lives, I let them drift.

 

I don't know how to go from someone so special being in my life almost daily for over a year, to not existing anymore.

[jrode23]

Also, does it look bad if I contact her asking if I can get some things from her apartment? I initially told her last night that she could just keep them, but I'm kind of thinking I might want them back. Just a trilogy on DVD and a few pillows, so I'm not going to fret it if I don't get them, just wondering if it's a bad look to ask for them back now after saying she can just keep them.

[Toodaloo]

They were mixed because she didn't know how to tell you.

 

The outcome doesn't change.

 

What can change is that you go back to those friends that you let drift. You get in touch with them.

 

Poke yourself. Did you feel it? Ergo you do exist.

 

Right now the only person you need to think about is you. You need to concentrate on putting you back together and that starts with the basics and works up.

 

Its a year. People get over marriages the have lasted decades. All you have to do is be sensible, be strict with yourself and pick yourself up. Its starts today.

 

It will be rocky for a while but you will get there.

[Toodaloo]

Also, does it look bad if I contact her asking if I can get some things from her apartment? I initially told her last night that she could just keep them, but I'm kind of thinking I might want them back. Just a trilogy on DVD and a few pillows, so I'm not going to fret it if I don't get them, just wondering if it's a bad look to ask for them back now after saying she can just keep them.

 

To be honest I would just leave it. Its nothing major.

 

You can buy new.

 

It will hurt you more to get them.

 

Go buy yourself a new trilogy this weekend as a treat to yourself.

[jrode23]

To be honest I would just leave it. Its nothing major.

 

You can buy new.

 

It will hurt you more to get them.

 

Go buy yourself a new trilogy this weekend as a treat to yourself.

 

True, it probably would.

 

I guess the only reason I want one of the pillows is because it wasn't actually mine and I was borrowing it. And, to be quite honest, the notion of some other guy using them/being intimate on/around them does weigh on my mind.

[Toodaloo]

True, it probably would.

 

I guess the only reason I want one of the pillows is because it wasn't actually mine and I was borrowing it. And, to be quite honest, the notion of some other guy using them/being intimate on/around them does weigh on my mind.

 

So get new. Then no one has frolicked one news ones.

 

Tell who ever loaned you the one that is not yours that you are very sorry but their pillow got ruined and here is a new one to replace it, please accept your apologies.

 

Stop making excuses to see her. It will only only do you harm NOT good.

 

Get her out of your life.

[jrode23]

So get new. Then no one has frolicked one news ones.

 

Tell who ever loaned you the one that is not yours that you are very sorry but their pillow got ruined and here is a new one to replace it, please accept your apologies.

 

Stop making excuses to see her. It will only only do you harm NOT good.

 

Get her out of your life.

 

I'm honestly not trying to make excuses to see her. I was actually going to suggest her having a friend bring them by. I can't see her again, it will hurt too much. But the pillow thing is kind of a mentality thing for me. If they stay there, there's always going to be the thought of someone frolicking on them.

[jrode23]

Sorry for the novel, but appreciate any reads/responses.

 

My girlfriend (25) and I (28) had been dating for nearly 15 months when, out of the clear blue, she broke up with me on Wednesday. She had been busy the past month with a heavy, heavy workload (she is a new attorney) and I had not seen her much. It was difficult, but I saw how stressed she was and I told myself not seeing her was worth the wait, as things were going to calm down a bit.

 

Two weekends ago we had a great time celebrating her cousins birthday out and the week prior to last, she was going to be busy again. However, she made time for me two Tuesdays ago to go out for dinner and she was in routine contact. Suddenly, two Thursdays ago, she went silent on me. I let it slide as usually she gets quiet when stressed and doesn't text/email much (which was our primary way of chatting daily when not together). That Friday I jokingly texted to check if she was alive and she responded. That night, she invited me out for a drink with co-workers. Saturday I was helping my grandfather move and sent a dorky picture of me as a kid to her, which she just said, "Nice" to. I knew something was up and asked. She said she was fine and we were fine. Sunday morning, I knew it wasn't fine so I sent her a text saying I know something is up and it hurts when she pushes me away/shuts me out like that. She replied saying she was just stressed and wanted to be alone. We texted sparsely until the night she broke up with me. On the day we broke up, I sent her an "I love you" text to which she said "love you too!" I then apologized for calling her out on shutting me out and said that her busyness the past month had just been tough. She then asked if I was home, came over and ended it.

 

Her reasoning was of no closure. She said that she didn't know why, but that when she looked into the future, she just didn't see one with me. This despite her telling me otherwise in the past, telling me I'm the perfect guy, telling me I've done things (flowers on VDay, chocolate covered strawberries to her office during a stressful week) that no other guy had ever done. And that's why I am floored by this.

 

She is a person who needs her space and likes alone time. I was bad about that early on, but learned to respect it. She had only ever been in LDRs prior to me, which is maybe why she struggled a bit with me being close by. I'm We had a fight at the end of July about time together, took a few days apart, but really bounced back well from that and had fallen into a perfect schedule of me coming over (even just to sleep) once or so during the work week and then we were spending most of every weekend together.

 

When she broke it off, she said she probably should have ended it then, but was blaming smaller things like my desire for more affection (which I learned in the time since then I didn't constantly need) for something that apparently was a larger issue.

 

I just refuse to believe this. I don't understand how someone can tell you all the right things and then suddenly tell you there is no future. I feel that's something you know earlier than 12-14 months in. It doesn't add up that both of the times she was ready to break up were during immensely stressful times for her.

 

I emailed this last Friday against better judgment, trying to get clarity, but she didn't offer any. She said that in the simplest terms, she just didn't see us living together or getting married (again, we had vaguely discussed these things before). And that not that she couldn't picture it, but that it didn't seem like it would be fulfilling or what would make her happy (that hit me very hard, as I was great to her and definitely made her happy).

 

She said she wasn't going to respond to any more communication moving forward because it was difficult for her too and that seeing me in such pain and being so hurt was difficult.

 

I don't know what to do. I have never felt these emotions from a breakup before. I can't eat much, I'm having trouble sleeping and all I have been doing is watching TV. I don't have the courage to remove her from my phone or social media and (perhaps foolishly) I am not ready to give this up because I am convinced she is the one and I'm convinced she, deep down knows that I am.

 

Please help me.

[TaraMaiden2]

jrode23 this is the second time you have given an account of your break up with your ex.

 

What you are seeking is a reason, to give you closure.

 

Please believe me when I tell you, her breaking up with you and explaining SHE doesn't see a future with you - IS your closure.

It's the best you're going to get.

 

I am closely acquainted with the world of Law and believe me it's all-consuming. It takes up every square millimetre of head-space, and to be brutally frank with you, only someone else from the Law world would fully get that.

 

Women in the world of Law have to work twice as hard and twice as long, to gain even a similar amount of credibility in what is essentially, a 'man's world'.

So she is having to focus 110% on her career in order to not slip up.

 

Something's got to give.

 

This latest challenging case is taking all her attention, and she realises it's either that or you.

 

Her career comes first, because she spent years studying to qualify, gain her degree and land a good job.

 

She's young - and doing well.

 

She can't deal with the pressure AND you.

 

I don't know what YOU do for a living, that said; but knowing how the world of Law operates, and how it Generally views and treats the women in its ranks, I would suggest you focus on you and quit trying to get 'closure'.

 

You give you closure.

All the closure from her you think you need, you already got.

 

Please read the NC Guide in my signature for fuller information.

[TaraMaiden2]

Furthermore, I would add that you certainly should NOT discount the possibility that she has met someone else - someone within her profession, with whom she gels completely, and who thinks on the same plane as her.

Just as it's not unusual to find couples who are both medically-connected by profession, so it's not rate to find people in Law whose partners are similarly employed.

It's a meeting of minds, and total understanding....

 

There is no such thing as 'the one'.

 

If there were, she would never have left. She knows, not-so-deep-down, that you aren't.

 

There is 'the one right now'.

 

So, please know it's a possible.

 

Why, if there IS someone else, wasn't she honest with you?

 

Remember what she does.

They play their cards close to their chest. They are articulate, think "a few moves ahead" (it's a professional requirement) and disclosure is not an option.

They'll answer your questions, and nothing else.

 

Please know: I am not insulting or belittling her professionalism. But it's hard for a legal-beagle to let their professional side completely go, in any situation....

 

Did you point-blank ask her if there was someone else?

(it's possible even then she would have skilfully evaded and skirted the issue....)

[jrode23]

I didn't flat out ask her, but I told her that it'd be easier if she cheated on me since that would have at least been a clear form of closure.

 

I just don't understand it because I was the one person who was willing to adapt to her lifestyle. Because everything in our relationship said it was the right thing to do and it was worth it.

[jrode23]

Also don't think that is the case because she works at a small firm where her co-workers are all over 50 and either gay or married.

[isolatedgothic]

Taramaiden is right. Closure isn't something the dumper gives to you. It's something you give to yourself. It's when you accept the fact that the person you loved doesn't want to be in a relationship with you any longer, and you honor the request to leave them alone.

 

Remove them from social media. Delete the phone number so you don't butt dial or feel tempted to text in a moment of desperation. Her decision to end the relationship has in no way ended *you*. You were a worthy person long before she came along, and you'll continue being a worthy person long after she moves on. She does not define you. You define you.

 

I suggest reading as a way of helping you through this incredibly difficult time. Read books and internet articles on break ups. Post here, we are here to help. Find something on TV, since you're watching a lot of it, that gives you a small ounce of pleasure. During one particularly nightmarish break up of mine, I fell in to watching "Frasier" reruns. It actually taught me a lot about who I am, and what qualities I would look for when I was ready to love again. Just find something that distracts you from thinking of her, and helps you to think of you.

 

Please promise to let her go and respect her wishes. She is a lawyer. The last thing you need is to get her angry and feeling unsafe. She's asked you to not contact her. Follow the NC guide that Taramaiden posted. It IS your only way to healing.

 

I'm hitting NC really hard myself right now, as I was unceremoniously dumped [similar to you, where I was told everything was all right, and the old "I love you" crap] on Thursday. You are not alone in this. You have friends right here.

[jrode23]

And, her cousin, whom I doubt would lie to me told me there was in fact not someone else.

[jrode23]

I don't feel as though I was worthy before her, though. I was struggling, down on myself and then she came along. She is my longest relationship and the first that I have ever been certain would lead to something. She just bettered me in every way and now I feel so hurt and betrayed.

[jrode23]

And at what point do you know you're ready to start all over again? Part of me has been so lonely these past four days and is saying, "get back on the horse." But I know I'm not ready for that. I just can't see myself dating again without comparing people to her.

 

She is the only girl who has ever accepted me for who I really am. She laughed at my corny jokes. She accepted and liked my quirks/weirdness. She was patient with the fact I took a long time getting ready. It's just impossible for me to picture finding someone like her again.

[jrode23]

Also, what about mutual friends? When it first happened, I reached out to mutual (though originally her friends) for support. I crossed a line by sharing some of what she had emailed me and it got back to her. I apologized and told her I was just seeking support from those who knew us both the best. She said to stop contacting her friends and family.

 

I then told her that if she wants me to stop contacting her girlfriends for support, I would respect that. But I then said that me and her friend's boyfriend had made plans to grab a beer this Monday and that she already ripped my heart out enough and I wasn't going to let her walk all over me by forcing me to cut people out of my life whom I'd genuinely formed friendships with. I said that if she had an issue with that, she would have to take it up with them and have them let me know.

[BC1980]

I don't feel as though I was worthy before her, though. I was struggling, down on myself and then she came along. She is my longest relationship and the first that I have ever been certain would lead to something. She just bettered me in every way and now I feel so hurt and betrayed.

 

That's a dangerous line of thinking that many people fall into after a relationship ends. No person can make you worthy. A relationship can end at anytime, so you can't look to another person to make your life worth living.

[BC1980]

She is the only girl who has ever accepted me for who I really am. She laughed at my corny jokes. She accepted and liked my quirks/weirdness. She was patient with the fact I took a long time getting ready. It's just impossible for me to picture finding someone like her again.

 

She isn't the only person who will accept you for who you are. And to be quite honest, a partner who is willing to accept you for who you are should be the minimal requirement. That requirement should be the ONE thing you never get shortchanged on. I get the feeling you have some issues accepting yourself and finding yourself worthy. Until you can be you and own it, I wouldn't recommend dating.

[BC1980]

Also, what about mutual friends? When it first happened, I reached out to mutual (though originally her friends) for support. I crossed a line by sharing some of what she had emailed me and it got back to her. I apologized and told her I was just seeking support from those who knew us both the best. She said to stop contacting her friends and family.

 

I then told her that if she wants me to stop contacting her girlfriends for support, I would respect that. But I then said that me and her friend's boyfriend had made plans to grab a beer this Monday and that she already ripped my heart out enough and I wasn't going to let her walk all over me by forcing me to cut people out of my life whom I'd genuinely formed friendships with. I said that if she had an issue with that, she would have to take it up with them and have them let me know.

 

Mutual friends can be tricky. Generally, if they were her friends first, their loyalty will lie with her. Even if you were once close, you can't expect to reach out to her friends and family for support. They will feel uncomfortable and have divided loyalty. Likely, they simply will not want to get involved in the situation.

 

Sadly, in a breakup, you will find that there are additional losses to simply the person who broke up with you. I was once fairly close to my ex's sister, but that all ended when we broke up. Her loyalty lies with him, not with me. There are many other people I lost in that breakup too, so I feel your pain. Family and friends will almost always circle the wagons in times like this. Just as your family will probably circle the wagons around you.

 

Relationships change over time, and a breakup can force a relationship with a mutual friend to change. It can be very sad, but it's simply part of the process.

[TaraMaiden2]

Also don't think that is the case because she works at a small firm where her co-workers are all over 50 and either gay or married.

 

Why on earth would you suppose she only has contact in a legal sense, with them?

Litigation involves other firms. She meets people from her profession all the time; people she works with - and against. So please don't be so naive to think that simply because her own immediate working environment is small, that's where it ends....

And, her cousin, whom I doubt would lie to me told me there was in fact not someone else.

 

Sure. It's totally unheard of for people to lie for each other.

 

I don't feel as though I was worthy before her, though. I was struggling, down on myself and then she came along. She is my longest relationship and the first that I have ever been certain would lead to something. She just bettered me in every way and now I feel so hurt and betrayed.

 

I mentioned before... now I'm asking.

What do you do for a living?

 

And at what point do you know you're ready to start all over again? Part of me has been so lonely these past four days and is saying, "get back on the horse." But I know I'm not ready for that. I just can't see myself dating again without comparing people to her.

Stop measuring time by chronological means. Stop measuring it by the passing hours, days weeks or months. Start by simply looking forward every day, and realising that every day without her is a milestone.

 

She is the only girl who has ever accepted me for who I really am. She laughed at my corny jokes. She accepted and liked my quirks/weirdness. She was patient with the fact I took a long time getting ready. It's just impossible for me to picture finding someone like her again.

It is right now.

But the person you find for yourself may well prove to be more compatible, in that she will not have to do anything to 'pull you up' and will do nothing to 'bring you down'.

 

Also, what about mutual friends? When it first happened, I reached out to mutual (though originally her friends) for support. I crossed a line by sharing some of what she had emailed me and it got back to her. I apologized and told her I was just seeking support from those who knew us both the best. She said to stop contacting her friends and family.

 

I then told her that if she wants me to stop contacting her girlfriends for support, I would respect that. But I then said that me and her friend's boyfriend had made plans to grab a beer this Monday and that she already ripped my heart out enough and I wasn't going to let her walk all over me by forcing me to cut people out of my life whom I'd genuinely formed friendships with. I said that if she had an issue with that, she would have to take it up with them and have them let me know.

 

Good points. I think you were absolutely right on that.

See, that was her 'legal' side coming out. Laying down conditions for you to adhere to, because she said so.

Your response was both valid and justified.

[jrode23]

Why on earth would you suppose she only has contact in a legal sense, with them?

Litigation involves other firms. She meets people from her profession all the time; people she works with - and against. So please don't be so naive to think that simply because her own immediate working environment is small, that's where it ends....

 

 

Sure. It's totally unheard of for people to lie for each other.

 

 

 

I mentioned before... now I'm asking.

What do you do for a living?

 

 

Stop measuring time by chronological means. Stop measuring it by the passing hours, days weeks or months. Start by simply looking forward every day, and realising that every day without her is a milestone.

 

 

It is right now.

But the person you find for yourself may well prove to be more compatible, in that she will not have to do anything to 'pull you up' and will do nothing to 'bring you down'.

 

 

 

Good points. I think you were absolutely right on that.

See, that was her 'legal' side coming out. Laying down conditions for you to adhere to, because she said so.

Your response was both valid and justified.

 

 

I am not naive to the fact that there could be someone else, I just find it to be highly unlikely. Everyone around her said she always spoke very fondly of me and all her friends did genuinely like me. So, it is possible, I just don't think it's the case. If it were, she would be the world's biggest hypocrite, since she is very outspoken on cheating and was upset when she found out her previous ex was dating someone less than a week later (implying he cheated).

 

I work in content marketing.

[TaraMaiden2]

You work in entirely different worlds, and trhere's very little scope, on the whole, of meeting of minds on a level plane.

You are very probably as good at doing your job as she is at hers; but your professional interests are not sufficiently "equal" for her to maintain an interest in what you do.

 

I know I'm sounding harsh, and I don't know the woman. I'd probably get on very well with her and obviously she has astonishing charms because you love her. I get that.

 

However (it is, I will IMMEDIATELY admit) hypothesis on my part, but her saying she didn't see a future with you, could be interpreted in the way intended by not one - but TWO people in the legal profession I know, who ended their relationships with much the same reasoning.

 

"I don't see a future with you " means "You do not, and cannot operate on my level of thought, and we can never communicate in the way I would need, in order for me to be able to find our relationship sufficiently gratifying, satisfying and stimulating in the long-run In brief, I don't think you'll "do" it for me long term".

 

People in the legal profession (this is HIGHLY generalised!) are often so focused on their own careers that first of all, their personal lives do require some sacrifice, but also, some can have what seem to be 'narcissistic' qualities and tendencies. They "hog the floor" and don't suffer fools gladly.

I'm convinced (like the world of Ballet!) that many participate, but few ever become the Prima Ballerina (Men or women alike) and it takes someone of a special calibre to study, qualify, practice and excel in law.

 

There is one member I know of who is a legal practitioner in the UK. She is an absolute gem, and is articulate, logical and masterly in her posts at sticking to the facts and expanding on her input in a logical, precise and convincing manner.

I adore her.

 

She may or may not agree with everything I have put, but I'm sure some of what I have said, will resonate, should she find this thread....

But her rationale with regard to your ex's reasons for ending the relationship will most probably not shed any greater light on the matter, than I have.

 

I could be wrong.