heartbroken15 Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Hi, First of all I am new here and still trying to figure out how to use the site. I have been so emotional the past few months after a breakup with my girlfriend of 8 years. I am also a female. Anyway she has been in my son's life since before he was born. He is now 6 years old and will be 7 in Dec. My ex and I had a really rough relationship with everything you can imagine; on and off, cheating, lying, fighting, and family issues. I feel guilty because I think that most of it was my fault and maybe I was the reason she decided to cheat. A month after she cheated we got back together and things became complicated because I thought I could forgive her. Well, I couldn't bring myself to move on from what she did so it was a lot of fighting and disagreements. I decided to move out and three weeks later she got a new girlfriend and I was really depressed about that because it is like she didn't have time to grieve our relationship or maybe she really didn't care about me. Anyway back to the question at hand. I was trying to do the no contact for a while because I wanted her back but i kept breaking it because I missed her and I can tell she missed me too but she is not as verbal as I am but she never mentioned anything about being with me. She did try to come on to me one day when she came to pick up my son and I told her that would be disrespectful to me and her girlfriend. She told me she loved me and missed me a few times in text but didn't take any initiative to break up with her girlfriend to get back with me. I started to let her see my son when we broke at least once a week but it became too hard for me too handle because I still love her and we are not together so I thought maybe it is best if we just let it all go. She was fine with the arrangement of seeing him before I decided not to let her see him again because she had a new girl and was able to see my son and kinda still be in my life too. Obviously he is not her son but I know they had a bond. I told her that I think it's best if we don't talk or see each other ever again because obviously she has moved on and we are not getting back together so what's the point in her seeing my son. His dad is kind of active in his life and what if I meet someone else in the future how would her continuing to see him work out? I just thought it was best to let it go since he is still young. Since I have been strict with this whole "let's move on" thing she has really been texting me asking to see him and talk to him and telling me that I'm wrong for not letting her be around him. Why is she so adamant about this? Why doesn't she just let it go? it's like she is only thinking about herself throughout all of this. She only wants what benefits her and now since she see I'm serious about this she texts me like crazy. A few weeks ago when I was texting her about us and telling her how I feel about the whole situation she ignored me and didn't want to talk but now she wants to talk cause her benefits have been cut off. I just don't understand her. Do you think I'm doing the right think by deciding to just let it all go? by the way my son has been ok as far as I know. I spend a lot of time with him and take him places to keep his mind off of her. Link to post Share on other sites
Shock148 Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Hi, First of all I am new here and still trying to figure out how to use the site. I have been so emotional the past few months after a breakup with my girlfriend of 8 years. I am also a female. Anyway she has been in my son's life since before he was born. He is now 6 years old and will be 7 in Dec. My ex and I had a really rough relationship with everything you can imagine; on and off, cheating, lying, fighting, and family issues. I feel guilty because I think that most of it was my fault and maybe I was the reason she decided to cheat. A month after she cheated we got back together and things became complicated because I thought I could forgive her. Well, I couldn't bring myself to move on from what she did so it was a lot of fighting and disagreements. I decided to move out and three weeks later she got a new girlfriend and I was really depressed about that because it is like she didn't have time to grieve our relationship or maybe she really didn't care about me. Anyway back to the question at hand. I was trying to do the no contact for a while because I wanted her back but i kept breaking it because I missed her and I can tell she missed me too but she is not as verbal as I am but she never mentioned anything about being with me. She did try to come on to me one day when she came to pick up my son and I told her that would be disrespectful to me and her girlfriend. She told me she loved me and missed me a few times in text but didn't take any initiative to break up with her girlfriend to get back with me. I started to let her see my son when we broke at least once a week but it became too hard for me too handle because I still love her and we are not together so I thought maybe it is best if we just let it all go. She was fine with the arrangement of seeing him before I decided not to let her see him again because she had a new girl and was able to see my son and kinda still be in my life too. Obviously he is not her son but I know they had a bond. I told her that I think it's best if we don't talk or see each other ever again because obviously she has moved on and we are not getting back together so what's the point in her seeing my son. His dad is kind of active in his life and what if I meet someone else in the future how would her continuing to see him work out? I just thought it was best to let it go since he is still young. Since I have been strict with this whole "let's move on" thing she has really been texting me asking to see him and talk to him and telling me that I'm wrong for not letting her be around him. Why is she so adamant about this? Why doesn't she just let it go? it's like she is only thinking about herself throughout all of this. She only wants what benefits her and now since she see I'm serious about this she texts me like crazy. A few weeks ago when I was texting her about us and telling her how I feel about the whole situation she ignored me and didn't want to talk but now she wants to talk cause her benefits have been cut off. I just don't understand her. Do you think I'm doing the right think by deciding to just let it all go? by the way my son has been ok as far as I know. I spend a lot of time with him and take him places to keep his mind off of her. You are doing the right thing by letting it go. She just wants to have her cake and eat it too. I understand that she loves your son and misses him as well, but it is not her blood, it is not her son, and once the relationship with the mother is done then so is the relationship with the son. You should definitely just block her because she has moved on with her life, has a new girlfriend, and has no interest in being with you again. You need to send her 1 final message stating, "Listen, you chose to end the relationship and with that comes consequences. Those consequences are that you lost me and you lost the privileged to see and hang out with my son. I would respect you if you would stop texting or calling me about this matter because you no longer have the right nor do you deserve to see my son anymore." Just go NC until you get over her (NC is not a way to get an ex back because it rarely ever, if ever works. NC is about you and only you healing from the heartbreak.) Also, like you said before, your son is still at a young age and in no time at all he will stop asking or even forget about your ex. Besides it sounded like a toxic relationship anyway whether it was your fault, hers, or both. Why would you want your son exposed to that anyway? Let it go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dumbass2 Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Do not let her see your son. He will get past this soon enough. You don't want to keep that type of connection to your ex. It will do neither you or your son any good. She has made her choice. She cannot have it both ways. What she is doing is selfish to say the least. You will not be thinking about the best for you son if you let her see him. Like you said, it is best to finally let go of her and cut off all communication. You can't keep her hanging around in your life. You will meet someone else and you do not want her baggage hanging around. Cut clean now and move on. You already know there is no hope to get back. Think about your son here. You have to cut communication all together. Cold turkey so to speak. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 I wouldn't do that. I don't think it's a good idea to put children in the middle of adult drama. Especially one that young. She's not your son's parent, so she has no right to see him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 She has no legal rights to your son so there's no real reason to keep her involved in your life or your son's. My guess is that she's only doing it to manipulate you, anyway. Please do not be fooled by people who act as though they're completely over a relationship but then try to reel you in one way or another. I think she's using you for an ego boost and, if I were you, I wouldn't let it happen. Also, by ignoring your texts, she's showing you that she has the upper hand. What you should do is completely ignore her from now on. She made her choices, now she can live with them. You and your son deserve better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 you are absolutely right, and you answer your own question, when you meet someone else it would be wrong to keep her around your kid specially the his dad is involved in his life. she is acting selfish and she obviously doesn't care about your feeling and just using the kid bond to keep string on you. you need to get over her and there is no better way to get over her than a complete strict no contact . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author heartbroken15 Posted October 9, 2015 Author Share Posted October 9, 2015 Thank you. I kinda figured that I was doing the right thing because I'm like what's the point in keep giving her what she wants and we are not even together. I agree she is selfish if something doesn't benefit her than she doesn't care. I'm just going to keep ignoring her and hopefully she just move on with her life because she wanted it to be like this in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
Author heartbroken15 Posted October 9, 2015 Author Share Posted October 9, 2015 Exactly. I do need to get over her. It has become better every day because I keep thinking about how selfish she is. Eight years was a long time but I'm definitely ready to move on from someone who doesn't see my value and only wants to be involved with me because of my child. Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 I think before I chime in, I'd be interested to know what your son calls her, or what he thinks their relationship is. He has known her all his life, and although you don't include conclusive dates and timeframes in your story, I get the feeling that your breakup was "months ago", not just your emotional struggle. It's hard not to fill in the blanks where you've left them. As an aside, his Dad's in the picture? What is that all about? The kid is 7, you went out for 8 years before the breakup, so call the start of that 9 years ago and human gestation is only 9 months. So something doesn't quite add up, unless the TWO OF YOU colluded to have this child together, and you chose a man who would be in the child's life. But that doesn't sound right either, because a lesbian couple who want a child look for a sperm donor, not a father. So maybe you just decided to do this without the consent of your lesbian partner, and you chose a guy who was willing to be a father without any familial responsibilities. I don't know, there just seems to be more to your story surrounding the dynamics of the various relationships with the child. I don't know what it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author heartbroken15 Posted October 9, 2015 Author Share Posted October 9, 2015 As listed in the post our relationship was on and off. I knew my baby father's long before I knew her. But we was on and off and I got pregnant when me and her broke up and yes she love him like he is her own. Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 As listed in the post our relationship was on and off. I knew my baby father's long before I knew her. But we was on and off and I got pregnant when me and her broke up and yes she love him like he is her own. What she feels doesn't matter. I asked what he thinks about her. As to what you listed in your post, well, let's just say it suffers from a lack of clarity. Even from your response, all we know is 1) at some point in time, you were on and off, and 2) you knew the father a long time before you knew her. Nowhere, not even in your "clarification" do we know that you were "off" when you decided to conceive or how the relationship between your child and your ex was defined and allowed to develop. He might call her mom. He might call her Aunt Millie. He might call her Ms. Magillcuddy. We have no way to know. All we know is that she's been there all of his life.. unless you were "off" during some of that too. Here's what you need to know. Your feelings aren't really important here. Neither are your ex's. The important thing is if you will make her go away, and if you do, how you might detach her from his life without damaging him. Maybe that will be difficult, maybe it will be easy, but that is really your only consideration. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 mightycpa, I concurr. The time line doesn't add up...seems to vague in response to get the dynamics. what worries me is that the child is being used as a pawn by both sides. Yet neither are being adult and stepping back to understand the repercussions of their behavior and attitudes. Nowhere did I sense there is love for the child who remains nameless and is simply a sidebar to the breakup issue. My advice is simple: If the adult played a positive role in the childs life and wishes to continue a relationship in a loving way with the child, consider it. Kids deserve to have positive support. If though it comes down to legal rights and the two legal parents (Dad and Mom) wish to prevent such contact...they can do so....Who does the child currently reside with primarily? the Mom or the Dad? Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 I don't think the timelines about the father matter, really. She slept with a guy but apparently prefers women. Big deal. Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 I don't think the timelines about the father matter, really. She slept with a guy but apparently prefers women. Big deal. I'm not so sure about that. All I know for sure is that she prefers THIS woman. Link to post Share on other sites
thunder777 Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 youre broken up, so NO CONTACT must be followed to the max this is a person you have to leave behind in your past, and your sons past too you tried getting back together once, but it failed so here you are single seeking someone new for you and your son, follow that path and dont look back Link to post Share on other sites
Shock148 Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 I think before I chime in, I'd be interested to know what your son calls her, or what he thinks their relationship is. He has known her all his life, and although you don't include conclusive dates and timeframes in your story, I get the feeling that your breakup was "months ago", not just your emotional struggle. It's hard not to fill in the blanks where you've left them. As an aside, his Dad's in the picture? What is that all about? The kid is 7, you went out for 8 years before the breakup, so call the start of that 9 years ago and human gestation is only 9 months. So something doesn't quite add up, unless the TWO OF YOU colluded to have this child together, and you chose a man who would be in the child's life. But that doesn't sound right either, because a lesbian couple who want a child look for a sperm donor, not a father. So maybe you just decided to do this without the consent of your lesbian partner, and you chose a guy who was willing to be a father without any familial responsibilities. I don't know, there just seems to be more to your story surrounding the dynamics of the various relationships with the child. I don't know what it is. Good point. Link to post Share on other sites
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