truoc1219 Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 So back in April, I starting "dating" my coworker. We hung out one night and hit it off and we just decided to keep seeing each other. In the beginning, he mentioned he did not want anything serious. At first, I was totally cool with it. He said hes been hurt in the past (cheated on) and that he just isnt looking for something serious. I agreed as I just got out of a LTR (I was completely over that). However, the months were going by and he was continuously seeing me every weekend. It started to feel like a relationship. I did not bring up where we stood for months because I felt it was the right thing to do to take things slow. I did not want to put any pressure on him. However, 4 months had gone by and no talk of being official had come up. It was starting to get to me, I clearly was falling for him and I figured the feeling was mutual. When I brought up where he stood he said, "I told you, I didnt want anything serious." Then we stopped seeing eachother. I was completely heartbroken. I know in a way it was my fault for believing he could change his mind, but he was giving me these vibes that he was falling for me too. He met up with me the next day because he felt bad for ending things. But he mentioned that he loved spending time with me and hanging out, I was the best sex partner hes ever had, but "something was missing" That really killed me. He knew I was not some girl to just have fun with, he knew I was falling for him and would do anything to wait for him to be ready. Looking back on it, he used me and it sucks. I was the best he will get, I know that for a fact. His longest relationship was with a girl that cheated on him multiple times with her ex. Me on the other hand, would never ever in a million years do that to him. I respected and cared for him deeply. I dont understand why guys who have something so great in front of them throw it away like it's nothing. I tried to reach out to him a month later to try and hang out as friends. He blew me off. I dont get it. Why on earth do guys act like this? Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 - He told you upfront that he didn't want anything serious. - When you brought it up again months later, he reiterated this. - It sounds like after you broke it off, he didn't try to weasel his way back in. - He knows you want more than friendship, so he's doing the right thing by declining that offer. - He was honest about there being something missing. He isn't wrong for feeling that way. Sometimes there just isn't that full connection. Honestly, he sounds like he did pretty much everything the right way. He was upfront with you about not wanting a LTR, and when it was obvious you wanted more, he respected the breakup instead of trying to string you along for a few more weeks of casual hooking up. It's a crappy feeling, I'm sure, but it sounds like you two both had a casual agreement about the nature of your relationship and now you're upset that he didn't feel similarly when you changed your mind and realized you wanted more. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author truoc1219 Posted October 8, 2015 Author Share Posted October 8, 2015 Im only human, I developed feelings after dating him for awhile. I just don't understand how guys can be in a relationship for a few months and not have built any emotional attachment whatsoever. It makes me feel like a huge idiot. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Oregon_Dude Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 "Guys" don't do anything. Both genders can have emotional unavailability issues. I have never broken up with a good woman I loved. I'm sorry you're hurting but this generalization is incorrect. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
bluefeather Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 It makes me feel like a huge idiot. Well, if he told you straight out where he stood, it's kind of your fault for going along with it and expecting more. I was the best he will get, I know that for a fact. How are you so sure? You think you're that awesome? If he got someone like you, he can get someone else like you. I dont understand why guys who have something so great in front of them throw it away like it's nothing. That's the thing: It wasn't so great if he said something was missing. It doesn't sound like he used you. It sounds like you both used each other, only you got lost in the game. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author truoc1219 Posted October 8, 2015 Author Share Posted October 8, 2015 How are you so sure? You think you're that awesome? If he got someone like you, he can get someone else like you. Well damn, excuse me for having a little self confidence. I am awesome, thanks for asking. And I am so sure I was the best he could get, considering I know his past relationships before and they were all crap and he also does not have any game at all. Link to post Share on other sites
PaperCrane Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 There's self confidence and then there is an inflated sense of self worth. What I just read gave me a gut reaction of instant turn off. No insult intended, that's just an honest perception. You may have been the best he's had...up until now. The one constant truth in life is that it is always changing. You may be this awesome and amazing and stunningly beautiful person, but to him, at that time, it didn't matter. It wasn't what he wanted. It doesn't matter now because if it was supposed to work out it would have. Mutual attraction and desire to mate up is an insanely huge force and people will fight for it. If he wanted it, he would have gone for it. He didn't. I'm sorry that happened, but you need to understand that no matter how amazing someone is, that doesn't mean everyone will be compatible with them. Best of luck in making progress past this. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bluefeather Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Well damn, excuse me for having a little self confidence. I am awesome, thanks for asking. And I am so sure I was the best he could get, considering I know his past relationships before and they were all crap and he also does not have any game at all. A little self-confidence comes from believing something good about yourself, not belittling someone else. That sounds more like lack of confidence. If you truly have been the best he can get, because he has had you, he can now do better. Relationships can progress, with each partner better than the next. And he can learn how to develop relationship skills, or as you immaturely call it "game." Saying he has no game actually says a lot about him. He has none at all, yet here you are, wanting him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 guys and girls are the same in that they just want to be happy and in a positive. what is good to you.. may not be good to someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
LostOnes05 Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 I understand where she is coming from. I think it is important to have a high self-worth. Did it sound arrogant over text? Sure, which is one reason I hate texting a SO...but I digress. If he wasn't looking for anything serious, why stick around the same woman for 4-5 months? On the other hand, he was upfront and honest from the beginning about his needs. I'd personally never leave a woman that was good to me...heck, I wouldn't even leave a not so great one without trying to work on the issues first (because something brought us together in the first place...unless it was something really crazy or hurtful). I run far, far away from women that say they don't want anything serious. However, I feel that even if they say it their actions are often the opposite. Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 There's nothing wrong with having confidence. But conflating "a guy didn't want to be in a relationship with me" with "guys don't want to be with the good ones" is the sort of mentality that leads to unfair generalizations. It's a toxic mindset. I've known plenty of people who dated someone who was great on paper, but for them, it just didn't work. It didn't mean those people were flawed or unworthy. It just mean that they weren't a good fit. It sounds like maybe early on your feelings for this guy changed, and you assumed he would feel the same. Your mistake was letting it go on for several months before you actually brought this up. Best to clear these things up not long after they arise. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Celeste.Carol Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 I work it out the opposite way. I will end up beating myself up, but always think the worse as to not let delusional thinking stand in the way of making better choices and facing the facts. He may want love and what not, but just not with me. The end. Link to post Share on other sites
quattrob Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Im only human, I developed feelings after dating him for awhile. I just don't understand how guys can be in a relationship for a few months and not have built any emotional attachment whatsoever. It makes me feel like a huge idiot. He told you he's not looking for anything seriously, hate to be blunt but you were naïve to think that he would change his feelings if he "dated" you for awhile. Don't try to blame his actions because you have no control over that, blame yourself for your own actions, you had a choice and you chose to stick around. No point looking for justification for why you got "lead on" or your decision. Next time if the guy told you straight up that he's not looking for anything serious from the beginning, don't expect anything to change unless he tells you otherwise. You can only blame yourself for thinking so naïve. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
singme2sleep Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Im only human, I developed feelings after dating him for awhile. I just don't understand how guys can be in a relationship for a few months and not have built any emotional attachment whatsoever. It makes me feel like a huge idiot. You're not an idiot. Don't apologize for having feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Cora Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 I'm sorry this happened to you. Something similar happened to me except he did not tell me goodbye. Instead he just disappeared. I stupidly held out hope that he would come back to me, but he is with another woman now. I gave him all the love that I had in me, but he just didn't want it. For whatever reason he was my everything, but I just wasn't what he was looking for apparently. So I guess all I can do is try to accept it and move on. Easier said than done I know..trust me. I'm still not over him, but I'm slowly getting there. It's a long road. I do believe though that there is someone out there who will not only appreciate your love, but will return that love to you. To that person you will be good enough...better than enough really and he will never let you go. ♥ Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 I dont understand why guys who have something so great in front of them throw it away like it's nothing. Let me explain that one to you. If it doesn't make us melt, it ain't all that great. It can be pretty damn good, but only love makes it great; I had one once, and I never really understood why I didn't fall in love with her... she seemed as close to perfect for me as I could imagine. But when it was all said and done, I didn't love her, so when I eventually met one that I felt a spark with, I didn't hesitate ending it. Consider yourself lucky. She and I went out hot and heavy for over 3 years. I was going to propose when I met the girl that replaced her.I tried to reach out to him a month later to try and hang out as friends. He blew me off. I dont get it. Why on earth do guys act like this?He knows you can't be friends with girls who have love in their hearts. You may not by now, but he doesn't know that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author truoc1219 Posted October 9, 2015 Author Share Posted October 9, 2015 So true, thank you! I'm sorry your going through the same thing, and very sorry he just disappeared. It sucks when you give someone your all and they just simply don't want you. To us it was something, to them it was nothing. We just need to try to let go and move on. Its hard, but im making better progress each day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author truoc1219 Posted October 9, 2015 Author Share Posted October 9, 2015 Thank you to all who said kind and honest words, this honestly helped me a lot. I wish I found this forum sooner. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Sorry you got your heart broken OP but this man did nothing wrong. He was upfront with you that he didn't want to get serious but you did. He cannot be blamed. You have to take people at their word which I'm sure you know by now. He never used you because you knew exactly what the deal was. It is not his fault that you fell in love with him. He was right to end it when he found out your feelings exceeded his. Only date men who are looking for a permanent relationship because you can't handle the FWB thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 (edited) Only date men who are looking for a permanent relationship because you can't handle the FWB thing. I agree with this. I have never been tempted to do this with a women. He just wanted fun and meaningless sex, but you fell in love. It sucks but he apparently knew that he was not going to fall for you. I know friends (men and women) who are the same, as sex has no emotional meaning for them. Lesson learned I guess. Take care. Edited October 9, 2015 by Itspointless Link to post Share on other sites
Eddiestang Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 At least he told you up front. Not all guys are like that. Im definantly not. Just be glad he didnt lead you on or let you believe it could be something serious. Just let go now or you could be like me... 4 years later, alone and heartbroken AF! Link to post Share on other sites
Eighty_nine Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 Guys don't want to date girls they get causal sex with 95% of the time. That's likely all that happened here. It's tough but true. Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 He can easily throw something away that was handed to him for free. He didn't have to put in effort to win you, so he does not become attached. He got attached to his ex, cos he had to work hard to keep her from cheating. It's more complicated than wanting what you can't have. It's more like being attached to what you invested in heavily, whether the investment was money, time, toil, care, project, sport training, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
lovel Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 So back in April, I starting "dating" my coworker. We hung out one night and hit it off and we just decided to keep seeing each other. In the beginning, he mentioned he did not want anything serious. At first, I was totally cool with it. He said hes been hurt in the past (cheated on) and that he just isnt looking for something serious. I agreed as I just got out of a LTR (I was completely over that). However, the months were going by and he was continuously seeing me every weekend. It started to feel like a relationship. I did not bring up where we stood for months because I felt it was the right thing to do to take things slow. I did not want to put any pressure on him. However, 4 months had gone by and no talk of being official had come up. It was starting to get to me, I clearly was falling for him and I figured the feeling was mutual. When I brought up where he stood he said, "I told you, I didnt want anything serious." Then we stopped seeing eachother. I was completely heartbroken. I know in a way it was my fault for believing he could change his mind, but he was giving me these vibes that he was falling for me too. He met up with me the next day because he felt bad for ending things. But he mentioned that he loved spending time with me and hanging out, I was the best sex partner hes ever had, but "something was missing" That really killed me. He knew I was not some girl to just have fun with, he knew I was falling for him and would do anything to wait for him to be ready. Looking back on it, he used me and it sucks. I was the best he will get, I know that for a fact. His longest relationship was with a girl that cheated on him multiple times with her ex. Me on the other hand, would never ever in a million years do that to him. I respected and cared for him deeply. I dont understand why guys who have something so great in front of them throw it away like it's nothing. I tried to reach out to him a month later to try and hang out as friends. He blew me off. I dont get it. Why on earth do guys act like this? I have a different take on this and think people are giving him too much credit. Yes, he was upfront with you about his intentions, but I personally feel you were led on and that he used the "not looking for anything serious" as a cop out. I only say this because someone who isn't looking for anything serious and just wants meaningless sex wouldn't make an effort to see you that often and say he loved spending all that time with you, assuming the time spent together wasn't just all sex and he wasn't lying when he told you all that. So yes, if all of that were true, I think he at least considered whether or not you guys had long-term/relationship potential, but he just didn't feel it. I do feel that you were led on because he could have ended it when it was getting relationship-y or when he realized you were falling for him. Guys know this, even when you don't say anything. He knew he couldn't reciprocate, but instead waited until you brought it up to give him an out. I can't say why guys act like this, other than he was reaping the benefits of what you guys had and dragged it out for as long as he could... companionship? sex? generally having fun together? People do that and it sucks. I will give him credit though for being honest that something was missing. It happens, whether or not you'd make an amazing partner. At least you got some form of closure and he didn't just ghost, which seems to be the trend these days. Lesson learned. Can't really fault you though, you knew what it was going in and you were okay with it AT FIRST. You didn't plan to fall for him, it just happened and you had every right to bring it up. So don't apologize for your feelings... I would be very hurt too. Don't contact him again and don't be friends. He didn't see your worth or feel that spark with you, but that's his issue. Someone else will see how good you are and never let you go, and it will be so much better than what you had/could have had with this guy. Hang in there! Link to post Share on other sites
Author truoc1219 Posted October 12, 2015 Author Share Posted October 12, 2015 Don't contact him again and don't be friends. He didn't see your worth or feel that spark with you, but that's his issue. Someone else will see how good you are and never let you go, and it will be so much better than what you had/could have had with this guy. Hang in there! I completely agree with everything you said. I wont be reaching out or showing any more interest anymore. I just made a mistake in assuming this could turn into something more. Definitley a lesson learned thats for sure. Thanks for your feedback Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts