Did my BF ask me for space me so he could 'CHEAT' & then come crawling back to me?

[ebony29]

Hi everyone, I desperately need the group here to help me figure this out.

 

My bf and I are in a Long distance (2years). We haven't been getting on great & fighting because of the fact we have been working away and not seeing each other as much. We booked a holiday for 10 October to Las Vegas for his birthday ( a present he wanted). He has been acting distant for a few weeks, not really interested in seeing me etc. This made me argue with him for attention. I felt unwanted. To make things better, I planned a special saturday, we went out holiday shopping, dinner etc.

 

The next morning, my bf told me he wanted space for a few weeks & not be in a relationship for these few weeks, until the holiday.

 

I read the text and I replied okay. I didn't have the fight inside me to argue or cry. I spent weeks fighting for the relationship. I said to him, I will not contact you for the next 2 weeks and I will see the weekend before we fly out even as friends like he wanted. He said okay.

 

I left him alone, and simply got on with my life. He text me a few days later saying he missed me and wanted to see me. I said to him, he made the right decision to not be in a relationship for the weeks leading to the holiday as I felt the time apart was actually making us happier and stopped the fighting between us.

 

I found out that in this week he had met someone else and slept with her and spent the whole night in her bed.

 

Is this cheating even though we werent 'together' for this week???

 

Was he wrong?? Am I wrong to feel completely heart-broken for him meeting someone else in this week???? I'm torn as whether this is cheating???

 

He is claiming we were not together when this happened which is true but I feel so so hurt that he could do this. He said he doesnt want this other girl, and wants me back properly.

 

I dont know if this was wrong of him? This holiday is in 4 days & I dont know if I even want to go anymore!!!!

[Christos]

Short answer: YES

 

Long answer: There is no "space". There is no "a few weeks not in a relationship". That is BS, total BS. And you are a fool for agreeing and not reading between the lines.

 

When someone feels the pressure, he stays in the relationship, and just asks for some time alone, with less contact and/or meetings. He doesn't ask to "not be in the relationship for some time". That is nonsense.

 

And of course, you never broke up. You were together the whole time. I don't get the " we were together for 2 years, decided we are broken up for 2-3 weeks, and then we are back together". What a load of BS... Seriously, what is your age and you are that naive?

 

He cheated on you, drop him. NC.

 

And why stay in a LD relationship for 2 years? No local men to meet? This is beyond me...

[ebony29]

Short answer: YES

 

Long answer: There is no "space". There is no "a few weeks not in a relationship". That is BS, total BS. And you are a fool for agreeing and not reading between the lines.

 

When someone feels the pressure, he stays in the relationship, and just asks for some time alone, with less contact and/or meetings. He doesn't ask to "not be in the relationship for some time". That is nonsense.

 

And of course, you never broke up. You were together the whole time. I don't get the " we were together for 2 years, decided we are broken up for 2-3 weeks, and then we are back together". What a load of BS... Seriously, what is your age and you are that naive?

 

He cheated on you, drop him. NC.

 

And why stay in a LD relationship for 2 years? No local men to meet? This is beyond me...

 

Hi, Long Distance as im training to be a doctor and have been posted 1.5 hours away....

 

This is exactly what im asking, the day he asked me for some space & not to come over etc because he wasnt sure if he wanted to be with me as a bf. He said he wanted to still be able to go on the holiday as friends with me if I would.

 

I simply said ok, as of now we are not together so have your time to think if you want to be with me. So neither of us felt the pressure to act like bf/gf.

 

We agreed we would still go on holiday as FRIENDS if he didnt want me back. Which tbh, i was fine with. After fighting for him for so long, if he didnt want me as his gf then his loss. I was willing to go as a friend and be the true person I always am. The very next day, he was the one texting calling me. And telling me he missed me and did want a life with me. I didnt go running back when he clicked his fingers & decided he wanted me, I simply said I will see you soon and if you still feel the same when you SEE ME IN PERSON then we can talk about it & see if it is the best decision for us. Either way, I told him I would remain his friend.

 

He told me he loved me and couldnt wait for the holiday.Two days later, he had sex with another girl.

Edited October 6, 2015 by ebony29
spelling

[d0nnivain]

1.5 hours is not an LDR. It's a p.i.t.a. & inconvenient but not insurmountable.

 

His desire for "space" was a technicality. I would not go to Vegas with him. I'd show him the door & get on with your life.

[ebony29]

1.5 hours is not an LDR. It's a p.i.t.a. & inconvenient but not insurmountable.

 

His desire for "space" was a technicality. I would not go to Vegas with him. I'd show him the door & get on with your life.

 

In traffic and out of calls hours emergency and theaters means late nights and early morning so it was long distance when I couldn't drive everyday to see him.

 

Can you explain more? Do you think he was wrong to have met someone else even though we had a 'space/break' week??

 

Im hurt. I could never have met anyone, slept with him and gone on a holiday with someone I claimed to love. Is he an idiot and im the bigger idiot for thinking it was okay for him to have met someone else because I wasnt there???

[d0nnivain]

I'm not going to say it was "wrong" because you two were technically apart but do you really want to have a future with somebody who deals in those kinds of technicalities.

 

He went off & got himself some "strange". Now he wants to come back to you & expect you to take him back with open arms. Have some self respect.

 

If he's smart enough to get into med school he's smart enough to know you & him had a good thing. His choice to screw that up is on him. If you take him back no questions asked you are teaching him that you don't value yourself & he can treat you like his second choice forever.

[Christos]

Is he an idiot and im the bigger idiot for thinking it was okay for him to have met someone else because I wasnt there???

 

No, he is just a cheater and you are naive and blinded from love.

[ebony29]

I'm not going to say it was "wrong" because you two were technically apart but do you really want to have a future with somebody who deals in those kinds of technicalities.

 

He went off & got himself some "strange". Now he wants to come back to you & expect you to take him back with open arms. Have some self respect.

 

If he's smart enough to get into med school he's smart enough to know you & him had a good thing. His choice to screw that up is on him. If you take him back no questions asked you are teaching him that you don't value yourself & he can treat you like his second choice forever.

 

I'm in med school, not him. He's a labourer on a construction site. I know I gave him the upper hand by allowing him to be 'single' to figure out what he wanted. And even though a few days later, he did say he wanted me as his gf again, he still slept with someone else that week.

 

That is what I find heart breaking. I just need the right support and good advice from people like yourself so I can see things clearly cos right now I'm such a wreck and got this blasted holiday sat on my head. #feels like crying

Edited October 6, 2015 by ebony29
Spelling

[ebony29]

No, he is just a cheater and you are naive and blinded from love.

 

I feel completely sick and confused. I put two years into a man I thought loved me but somewhere down the line, he just stopped I guess.

 

I feel like him being 'single' and spending time with this woman is like a slap in my face. He had her on Sunday and then off to Vegas with me. Anyone would think he was gods gift when really he is weak man.

 

A true man has morals and respect.. I feel so angry at him and myself. But at the same time, I love him which is completely stupid for what he did. I should hate him but I feel sorry for myself

[Christos]

I feel completely sick and confused. I put two years into a man I thought loved me but somewhere down the line, he just stopped I guess.

 

I feel like him being 'single' and spending time with this woman is like a slap in my face. He had her on Sunday and then off to Vegas with me. Anyone would think he was gods gift when really he is weak man.

 

A true man has morals and respect.. I feel so angry at him and myself. But at the same time, I love him which is completely stupid for what he did. I should hate him but I feel sorry for myself

 

You can't stop loving him in an instant. It takes time to move on.

 

Still, it will be better for you to go No Contact and move on with your life.

 

He will do this again if you let him. Don't let him convince you otherwise. He doesn't love you, if he did, he would never cheat on you.

[ebony29]

You can't stop loving him in an instant. It takes time to move on.

 

Still, it will be better for you to go No Contact and move on with your life.

 

He will do this again if you let him. Don't let him convince you otherwise. He doesn't love you, if he did, he would never cheat on you.

 

Yes, I know you are right. I think it's just harder when you know your partner has got someone else to replace you. You make so much sense but it's so hard to do......I think in my heart of hearts I know I need to leave him. Btw, he got very angry at me when I found out what he did. He denied it until the girl told him to shut up and tell me the truth.

[d0nnivain]

Then honey you can do sooooo much better. You have your whole life ahead of you. He should be worshiping the ground you walk on & if he's not, replace him with someone who will. Your life is going to get more complicated as you do rounds & your residency. You don't need to be worried about what he's doing while you are on call.

 

Next!

[ebony29]

Then honey you can do sooooo much better. You have your whole life ahead of you. He should be worshiping the ground you walk on & if he's not, replace him with someone who will. Your life is going to get more complicated as you do rounds & your residency. You don't need to be worried about what he's doing while you are on call.

 

Next!

 

You've just been so great to me today. I know what I want now, I don't want him. I'm not an angry, or nasty person. Even though, he shouldn't have had sex with another girl whilst telling me he loved me, he did.

 

The love I had for him is enough for me to respect a friendship with him. I don't mean weekly coffees, I just mean the end of a relationship with best wishes.

 

So when he does remember me, he will know I was a girl with morals. Not the girl to sit and swear him for cheating.

 

I'm holding my head up high and telling him, I don't want a relationship but I wish him well and I will always think of him as a friend

[BelleSkye]

I noticed that if you are too accomodating, it means one is pullying away while the other is still trying to reel in. Been there. It hurts but hopefully this will be the last douchebag story you will have to share about him.

[TaraMaiden2]

You've just been so great to me today. I know what I want now, I don't want him. I'm not an angry, or nasty person. Even though, he shouldn't have had sex with another girl whilst telling me he loved me, he did.

 

The love I had for him is enough for me to respect a friendship with him. I don't mean weekly coffees, I just mean the end of a relationship with best wishes.

 

So when he does remember me, he will know I was a girl with morals. Not the girl to sit and swear him for cheating.

 

I'm holding my head up high and telling him, I don't want a relationship but I wish him well and I will always think of him as a friend

 

Just want to raise a couple of points here:

 

As already stated, there is no such thing as 'a break'.

 

It's either on or off, and there is no in-between.

 

If one partner feels they need a break, to sort their heads out, then you BOTH agree a date/time/place to 're-group' and discuss where you're both 'at'.

 

And it' an unwritten rule that neither of you see, speak or hang out with anyone else - let alone have sex with them.

That is still cheating.

You're on a break, and therefore still connected.

 

Giving him that leeway was really far too good for your own good, let alone his.#

Basically, you gave him carte blanche to do his thing - which is exactly what he knew you would do, because you're that kind of girl.

Accommodating, loving and not prone to being clingy or needy.

He played you like a fiddle.

He took advantage of your good and kind nature, and that is borne out by the way he continued lying to you and being angry with you - until obliged to 'fess up by the very girl he had sex with.

 

(Good on her. I'm not praising her role in the cheating, don't know how that went down, and her telling him to shut up.... but it was right of her to call him out on it....)

 

You're still being too nice.

Really, what you need to do is to demonstrate that you are the kind of person who can release him to do his own thing, sure.

But don't be his friend.

He doesn't deserve your friendship.

He lied, cheated and took you for an idiot.

he played you for a gullible fool, and he's not a nice person for doing that.#

 

He's a construction worker.

 

He works with hunky guys hauling heavy stuff all the time, in a testosterone-filled environment, doing macho things.

With regard to reputations, walking past a building site when you're a pretty young lady is apparently an invitation to those hunky guys to make comment, wolf-whistle or leer.

 

I'm sure many decent guys work as construction workers.

He isn't one of them....

[ebony29]

Just want to raise a couple of points here:

 

As already stated, there is no such thing as 'a break'.

 

It's either on or off, and there is no in-between.

 

If one partner feels they need a break, to sort their heads out, then you BOTH agree a date/time/place to 're-group' and discuss where you're both 'at'.

 

And it' an unwritten rule that neither of you see, speak or hang out with anyone else - let alone have sex with them.

That is still cheating.

You're on a break, and therefore still connected.

 

Giving him that leeway was really far too good for your own good, let alone his.#

Basically, you gave him carte blanche to do his thing - which is exactly what he knew you would do, because you're that kind of girl.

Accommodating, loving and not prone to being clingy or needy.

He played you like a fiddle.

He took advantage of your good and kind nature, and that is borne out by the way he continued lying to you and being angry with you - until obliged to 'fess up by the very girl he had sex with.

 

(Good on her. I'm not praising her role in the cheating, don't know how that went down, and her telling him to shut up.... but it was right of her to call him out on it....)

 

You're still being too nice.

Really, what you need to do is to demonstrate that you are the kind of person who can release him to do his own thing, sure.

But don't be his friend.

He doesn't deserve your friendship.

He lied, cheated and took you for an idiot.

he played you for a gullible fool, and he's not a nice person for doing that.#

 

He's a construction worker.

 

He works with hunky guys hauling heavy stuff all the time, in a testosterone-filled environment, doing macho things.

With regard to reputations, walking past a building site when you're a pretty young lady is apparently an invitation to those hunky guys to make comment, wolf-whistle or leer.

 

I'm sure many decent guys work as construction workers.

He isn't one of them....

 

Hi there, yes we met when he was carrying work out in my home. He continued to message me after the job was complete etc

 

So, I really should tell him what he did was wrong and walked away with my head held high. Tbh, the type of guy he is, he wouldn't even understand good morals.

 

He would just scoff at me and find his next "relationship". I can see sense now. Just needed some good heads to talk to me. Thank you.

[ebony29]

I noticed that if you are too accomodating, it means one is pullying away while the other is still trying to reel in. Been there. It hurts but hopefully this will be the last douchebag story you will have to share about him.

 

Hi I really hope so too. Feeling stupid about how I let him manipulate me.

[TaraMaiden2]

....

So, I really should tell him what he did was wrong and walked away with my head held high. Tbh, the type of guy he is, he wouldn't even understand good morals.

...In which case telling him what he did was wrong will go way over his head, fall on deaf ears and wash off him like water off a duck's back. (how's that for a mix of metaphors...?!) If he wouldn't understand good morals, pointing out good morals to him will be pointless....

 

He would just scoff at me and find his next "relationship". I can see sense now. Just needed some good heads to talk to me. Thank you.

It's all very well acting out of a sense of goodness and compassion, but sadly, it's wasted on some individuals.

Better to let him float through life screwing up, and let him come to his own regrets further down the line.

[BelleSkye]

You would not have known if you didnt try. Now you know, use this experience to enlighten you, not to beat yourself about it. Kudos for trying!

[GettingOverItDay2Day]

Keep your chin up OP, your life is on the right path career wise and Im sure that in time you will meet someone much more worthy of your love

 

You sound like a good person and walking away now will give you your dignity and allow you to keep your head held high

[sandylee1]

Ebony

 

He wanted to sleep with someone else, but didn't want to look like a cheater. As you've paid for the holiday, I'd go - but not as a couple.

You're training to be a doctor -you are a smart woman and I don't think you should invest more time in him.

 

Don't get stressed by arguing. Just say you enjoyed the time apart - then he can see what he's lost.

[ebony29]

Ebony

 

He wanted to sleep with someone else, but didn't want to look like a cheater. As you've paid for the holiday, I'd go - but not as a couple.

You're training to be a doctor -you are a smart woman and I don't think you should invest more time in him.

 

Don't get stressed by arguing. Just say you enjoyed the time apart - then he can see what he's lost.

 

Yes, I will do! Las Vegas here I come. I did enjoy the time apart! I loved it. I spent months of chasing him, telling him I wanted him etc and once I agreed to his "space/break", I was shocked at how good I felt without him.

 

I do love him but I'm not in love with him anymore. I just wish I had put him in his place the second I found out he spent the night with a girl. I went into shock and I allowed him to get angry and dump me, then come crawling back. Wish I slammed the door in his face instead. I made him a cup of tea instead :/

[ebony29]

...In which case telling him what he did was wrong will go way over his head, fall on deaf ears and wash off him like water off a duck's back. (how's that for a mix of metaphors...?!) If he wouldn't understand good morals, pointing out good morals to him will be pointless....

 

 

It's all very well acting out of a sense of goodness and compassion, but sadly, it's wasted on some individuals.

Better to let him float through life screwing up, and let him come to his own regrets further down the line.

 

Yes, I believe the person you are with is a reflection of part of what you are also like. He had bad morals, bad language, he would happily causally sleep around when he was single (before he knew me). He would use bad words towards me, swear around me..... I think that's why we argued and drifted apart. I didn't like how he was around me sometimes. He just called me a snob. I call it being well mannered and respectful.

[Christos]

Yes, I will do! Las Vegas here I come. I did enjoy the time apart! I loved it. I spent months of chasing him, telling him I wanted him etc and once I agreed to his "space/break", I was shocked at how good I felt without him.

 

I do love him but I'm not in love with him anymore. I just wish I had put him in his place the second I found out he spent the night with a girl. I went into shock and I allowed him to get angry and dump me, then come crawling back. Wish I slammed the door in his face instead. I made him a cup of tea instead :/

 

Yeah sureeeeee. Have fun with make up sex during your trip to Vegas. Then after a while, come back here to cry some more because he cheated on you again...

 

If you wanted to get over him, you wouldn't make that trip.

[TaraMaiden2]

Yeah sureeeeee. Have fun with make up sex during your trip to Vegas. Then after a while, come back here to cry some more because he cheated on you again...

 

If you wanted to get over him, you wouldn't make that trip.

 

Just because you think it, doesn't follow she will.

 

It pays to judge people by THEIR standards, not yours.

She's already made it clear she realises he's a jerk.

I doubt any sexual overtures made by him (if indeed, they DO go together) will be received in good light by her.

I think he's more likely to feel a verbal sharp knife to the scrotal sac....