In what circumstances would you think it's okay to start again with an ex?

[Apparition]

I've been reading some posts on here and it seems a few people are die-hard fans of the NC guide and never going back to an ex if they reappear in their life at some point. However, I have friends who have broken up with their partners due to cheating, lying, drugs etc and some of them got back together. My best friend dated the woman of his dreams who later came to find out after a year that she was married and pregnant with her husbands children. They remained good friends until she left her husband for him. The second couple I know - she left due to him cheating and he was an alcoholic, but after a month, he became sober and got his act together and now they are getting married next year in the summer, they seem very happy. The third couple I know, which I believe, aren't going to last because they are both drug addicts and just treat each other very poorly, but who knows? People can change.

 

Anyway, I was wondering when YOU would think it's okay to go back to an ex. I, myself, could not go back to a cheater/unfaithful woman. Been there with my first serious relationship, won't go through it again. Also, it would matter if I was still in love with them, obviously. As long as they fixed whatever issue it may have been in the past, I think I could handle getting back together. Also, here's another question;- what kind of betrayal would be finite for you? Cheating? Lying? Stealing? Emotional Abuse etc.

[Christos]

It's almost never ok to start again with an ex.

 

In my opinion, the only time when one should forget ALL kinds of betrayal, is when there are little kids involved, they still love their partner, and the betraying partner moves mountains to prove his/her regret.

 

Also, the only time it is ok to accept a non-betraying partner, is when they haven't had sex with another person yet, and they again move mountains to prove they are sorry.

 

In every other case, its is far better to move on. There are other fish in the sea. There is no reason to go back to a person who didn't work with you the first time. Better to make a new clean start.

 

Unless you are that desperate and you think that you will never find another person...

[drseuss]

It's almost never ok to start again with an ex.

 

 

Also, the only time it is ok to accept a non-betraying partner, is when they haven't had sex with another person yet, and they again move mountains to prove they are sorry.

 

 

 

Unless you are that desperate and you think that you will never find another person...

 

I had sex with another person after I was dumped only 3 weeks later thinking it would help me move on but in didn't help and I would like another go with my ex one day

[ScienceGal]

I would never go back to someone who was unfaithful. The only way I would consider going back, is if the problems that existed and caused the break up had been remedied.

 

I find that if you're really honest with yourself about the problems though, usually you won't see much hope for reconciliation.

[Christos]

I had sex with another person after I was dumped only 3 weeks later thinking it would help me move on but in didn't help and I would like another go with my ex one day

 

Well, let me clarify: You should never get a dumber back if they have had sex with another person.

 

You were dumbed, you didn't dumb your ex to have sex, it is not your fault. But if your ex dumbed you to have sex? Then NO.

[Apparition]

Christos, the world simply isn't as black and white as that. People break up everyday for all different reasons. After sharing years with someone, it is natural for them to break-up at least once during their relationship. I don't know ANYONE who has remained with their partner without a break, without separation (if married) or without a break-up who has been together for a long period of time. It takes work from both people to make the relationship last, and SOME people forget how to put that work in and simply believe it just "died" - in other words, the flame died out. It is always possible to get that flame back, but it is not guaranteed. So, when one person is unwilling, they leave. And perhaps during the time they leave - they realize they made the biggest mistake of their life. Mistakes, again, are natural for human beings and one person cannot go through life without making mistakes, otherwise we'd never learn, grow, adapt etc.

 

Also, when kids are involved, my opinion is that it should be even more harder to forgive someone depending on their mistake. Let's say a man cheated on his wife, a full blown affair and he was planning to leave her. I would imagine that would be much more difficult to forgive than when you don't have children involved because that man was willing to hurt the Mother of hurt children INCLUDING his children. So I disagree. Also it doesn't come down to people being desperate, unless they're a stalker plotting to kill the person who left them. Desperate is such an extreme word.

[Meli22]

Well, let me clarify: You should never get a dumber back if they have had sex with another person.

 

You were dumbed, you didn't dumb your ex to have sex, it is not your fault. But if your ex dumbed you to have sex? Then NO.

 

Guessing you mean dump. Also, not all dumpers dump to have sex with someone else. In the grand scheme of things, if you're apart for a significant amount of time (the kind of length of time that reconciling stands a better chance with) then sex is usually inevitable for both parties. It's all down to personal opinion though.

[Christos]

It's not a matter of black and white. It is far more practical.

 

1) To rekindle an old relationship, you have to put work into it, far more work than brand new relationship. So, why not meet a new person and go back to an older lover? The old flame will be gone, no discovery, no new things to learn about your significant other, while still requiring you to put work. You might as well meet another person.

 

2) A person who dumped you, is a person who lost respect for you. You will never know for sure why they got back with you. They may say nice words, but do they mean those? I don't know. Actually, when a person dumps you, you have solid proof that they are willing to leave and their interest in you is low...

 

So, i don't care about your justification. If i have to choose between dating a new woman, and dating a woman who dumped me, i will definitely pick a new woman. Same dating procedure, same kind of work, fresh face and no memories of betrayal.

[Meli22]

That's fine. As I said.. Everyone has an opinion and every situation is different

[Apparition]

Your logic is kind of skewed. Does this mean you will not marry because your future wife will be boring and you cannot learn new things about her? No. I was with my ex for four years and never got bored, nor she me, our break-up was due to a traumatic event that happened to her, so everyone breaks up for different reasons. Until that happened, I learned new things about her everyday and I watched her grow. I am not an unforgiving person who holds grudges just because someone dumped me.

 

Your second reason is still skewed. People who dump people = that means they lose respect for you? Not at all. It depends on their reasons, though. If they were treated badly by their partner and THEN they decided to dump them, who has the respect for who? Again, I disagree with your way of thinking because it doesn't make sense and is skewed logic.

[dumbass2]

From what I have read and have seen, a good amount of time should have passed for it to have a decent shot. It's not black and white. The bottom line is that you have to have to 2 willing parties. If one person is pushing for it way more than the other, I don't see it working. There are a lot of dumpees that remain in denial and would do anything to get their ex back and want to get back into a situation that they know on their logic side, would never work. Those type of reconciliation attempts I see never work for obvious reasons. Both parties have to be able to see things clearly without all the raw emotion involved, that is why time away is so important. If there was cheating involved, there is going to be trust issues. I don't care what anyone says. Once there are trust issues it is very very very difficult to get that back and if you don't have that, any chance for a strong healthy long term relationship is not likely. With trust issues, time away for healing is important and then I always say, "forgive, but don't forget"

[Apparition]

Very good post, dumbass2. I agree with you, especially on the trust issues situation. Trust is an important key to a relationship, but I do think it's possible to regain trust as long as the person who broke it proved they are trustworthy.

[dumbass2]

Very good post, dumbass2. I agree with you, especially on the trust issues situation. Trust is an important key to a relationship, but I do think it's possible to regain trust as long as the person who broke it proved they are trustworthy.

 

How do they prove they are trust worthy before you give it a second chance?

[Apparition]

That's a good question; I think trust has to come within oneself but there are things the partner can obviously do to prove that to you. Perhaps you give them terms and they abide by all of it, it proves they want your trust, doesn't it? It depends on the person and what they want for the person to do in order to gain their trust back. Personally, for myself, I had my first girlfriend who cheated on me and after breaking up with her she wouldn't leave me alone for weeks. Her reason for cheating was because she was "drunk" (which I don't believe is an excuse, there is no excuse for cheating) but I know she had a problem with binge-drinking so I told her I'd CONSIDER giving her another chance if she stopped drinking, got help for her jealousy issues and insecurities, and she did stop drinking and was in therapy but my mistake was getting back with her WHILE she was in therapy because she stopped going once she thought everything was cool between us. However, I was young and dumb and didn't know what I was doing. But, I could not go through that again with another partner, if they cheat, it would be over for me and my finite betrayal.

[Xidion]

The only way I would ever take my current ex back is if she moved mountains to prove herself. That includes checking herself into some sort of therapy. She's definitely got some sort of personality disorder. She has an anxious attachment type because of her terrible father. In my opinion, it's very situational. depends on why they left, what they did in the time away.. etc. also, couples counseling would definitely be mandatory.. chances are that whatever issues happened in the past would eventually resurface. Not at first, because usually you go through the honeymoon phase again, then after that those same problems start to show themselves again. In most cases, it's better to heal and move on, though.

[singme2sleep]

People tend to be very cynical on here, and cling to NC like the bible. (No offense to anyone) Members tell you to never go back in order to protect yourself from more pain. But I believe in reconciling with an ex if both people want to make it work.

[Apparition]

singme2sleep, I know - and some say it because they experience it and don't want you to make that same mistake. However, I've made that mistake before and everyone has to make that mistake at some point in order to learn. It is very rare that I would ever go back to an ex as I'm normally the one who cuts ties if they do something to hurt me. Although, my recent relationship was very different to all my other relationships as she did not hurt me during our relationship, it was only the break-up that hurt me, so, I would most likely get back with her if she asked me but only if she got help for her issues. I, myself, have to work on things too.

 

Also, I believe forgiving someone who left you and then having them prove it was their mistake and they want to make it work with you would absolutely make your relationship stronger as long as the issues previously were fixed.

[Meli22]

I believe reconciliations can work even if the worst things have happened (cheating). It just takes SO much time and effort but if both parties are on the same page then it can definitely work. I personally wouldn't take my ex back because of how insecure he was and how much he accused me of on a daily basis, and the fact that he told me what I can and can't wear. That's just one of the reasons. I honestly don't think he'd ever change no matter how much time apart we had.

[Apparition]

Meli22, sounds like he has jealousy and insecure issues. He needs professional help, it doesn't matter who he will end up in a relationship with because he'll treat them the same as he treated you because his issues are deep routed - issues he has to work on himself. The only thing is he needs to want to change. I am sure he is capable of change, and I am sure you saw glimpses of him that were sweet which is what made you stay with him, and perhaps 80% of it was bad but the 20% was good, and the 20% is the reason you stayed? Well, if he was capable of being nice 20% of the time, he should work on himself to make that 80% the nice.

 

I hope he does change for his own sake.

[singme2sleep]

singme2sleep, I know - and some say it because they experience it and don't want you to make that same mistake. However, I've made that mistake before and everyone has to make that mistake at some point in order to learn. It is very rare that I would ever go back to an ex as I'm normally the one who cuts ties if they do something to hurt me. Although, my recent relationship was very different to all my other relationships as she did not hurt me during our relationship, it was only the break-up that hurt me, so, I would most likely get back with her if she asked me but only if she got help for her issues. I, myself, have to work on things too.

 

Also, I believe forgiving someone who left you and then having them prove it was their mistake and they want to make it work with you would absolutely make your relationship stronger as long as the issues previously were fixed.

 

That's exactly how I feel about my situation, I only got hurt by the breakup. During the relationship he was great to me, nobody ever treated me better or loved me like that. I work take him back if he overcomes his depression, I know he still loves me.

[Meli22]

Meli22, sounds like he has jealousy and insecure issues. He needs professional help, it doesn't matter who he will end up in a relationship with because he'll treat them the same as he treated you because his issues are deep routed - issues he has to work on himself. The only thing is he needs to want to change. I am sure he is capable of change, and I am sure you saw glimpses of him that were sweet which is what made you stay with him, and perhaps 80% of it was bad but the 20% was good, and the 20% is the reason you stayed? Well, if he was capable of being nice 20% of the time, he should work on himself to make that 80% the nice.

 

I hope he does change for his own sake.

 

Yup he definitely doesn't think he needs to change. He believed his "extreme values" as he called them, were the best way to make a relajronship work. Funny thing is, he said he called off his relationship before me because she always accused HIM of stuff and she was the insecure one. I think that was a lie and it was the other way round. It was just ridiculous our whole relationship.. I could go into detail about some of the stuff but I'd be here all night. Every day was like walking on eggshells and having to keep my head looking down because if I glanced in a direction, he'd spend days arguing that I had looked at another man. God it was exhausting..