He left me over something small

[Jc396]

I'm 24 he is 22 and he broke up with me a month ago. We were each other's first relationship. We had our ups and downs throughout. Eventually problems started to arise right at around three years and he ended up cheating on me.

 

I decided to continue on with the relationship despite how betrayed I felt. I made all these outrageous demands to him which he met. He changed but I still found it hard to trust him and forgive him after what happened. I had self confidence issues and tortured myself with his betrayal instead of acknowledging that he was bettering himself.

 

He started to resent me and we fought frequently for a year. He shipped off to basic military training for about 3 months while I wrote to him everyday. During this time I worked on improving my self confidence, made friends, and got into new hobbies. When he got back things seemed to be better. We got a long better and I was happier with myself and everything around me.

 

Life took a turn for the worse and I fell on hard times. At the time I thought the only thing going right was our relationship. This was until we ended up getting into a fight over him misunderstanding a statement I made. He completely berated me and made me feel like I made no effort to improve myself. He went on about him not getting what he wants from relationship when I honestly was trying my best. This led to me feeling discouraged for about a week and started to doubt myself. I decided to talk to him about it and tell him how he has made me feel and he got upset and ended it saying I need to love myself before I can love anyone else. After me begging him back for a week, he blocked me on everything and completely cut me out of his life.

 

Last I heard he is partying it up and flirting with other girls and even began taking to the girl he cheated on me with again. Five years down the drain over something small. I was the only one there for him multiple times in the relationship and I feel like he couldn't be there for me when I needed him to be. I loved him enough to not give up on him when he gave me a reason to but I feel like I couldn't get the same back from him. I'm confused cause I feel like my issues with my self confidence doesn't warrant how cold he acted towards me. I'm also curious how I am supposed to be happy with myself in a relationship with someone who didn't appreciate me. He is acting like I betrayed him which I feel like I didn't do. I tried my hardest to make him happy yet I feel like a bad person for failing at it.

 

I have been no contact for 3 weeks but I still feel like I need closure. Anything I can do? Thank you for taking the time to help me out.

[thejabberwocky]

I hate to break it to you, but this guy is a total jerk. He cheats on you and leaves YOU because you make a comment he doesn't like? He has no respect for you, period.

 

Listen, life happens. Good and bad things happen all the time and will continue to happen. You need to be with someone who can support you through both. Not just the good times, but the hard ones too.

 

When things get rough, he cheats. Or he leaves you. That is not someone who loves you and there is no way he suddenly "changed" - especially bc he's back talking to that same girl he cheated with.

 

You are so much better off. I'm sorry you wasted 5 years - I know it sucks. I just wasted 6 on my loser ex. But we're so much better off!

 

You will not get closure from him. You can only get it from yourself. Decide that you deserve better and move on. His decisions are dealbreakers. You deserve someone that is ALWAYS there for you.

[Jc396]

But how do I let go of this anger? I feel a bit like he used me. All the time and energy I spend on the relationship and the stress I gave myself trying to move past him cheating on me only for him to not recognize that. He essentially blamed me for the entire relationship ending and I refuse to take on all the blame. I just feel so angry with him and I want to let him know how hurt he made me but I know I can't break NCOs. What do I do?

[thecrucible]

But how do I let go of this anger? I feel a bit like he used me. All the time and energy I spend on the relationship and the stress I gave myself trying to move past him cheating on me only for him to not recognize that. He essentially blamed me for the entire relationship ending and I refuse to take on all the blame. I just feel so angry with him and I want to let him know how hurt he made me but I know I can't break NCOs. What do I do?

 

Tell yourself he doesn't deserve your tears. Don't give him that power.

 

He sounds like he's not ready to settle down and was looking for any excuse for a way out. Don't analyse why as it could have been anything. You didn't do anything wrong. What was the comment anyway?

[warshaw]

I just feel so angry with him and I want to let him know how hurt he made me but I know I can't break NCOs. What do I do?

 

Even if you did break NC and told him how you feel it wouldn't matter because he's not the type of guy who would care. If anything it would show him how much he meant to you and it would boost his ego at your expense.

 

Over time you'll gradually let him go. Don't think the relationship was a complete waste. Many people feel that way when it ends. There was lots of good in there otherwise you wouldn't have stayed with him so long. Most relationships end, that doesn't mean it was a waste of time and effort.

 

We get out of it what we put into it. Hopefully we choose mates that reciprocate. This guy was NOT a reciprocater, he was selfish and ultimately decided that you weren't worth what he perceived to be somewhat of a hassle with all your emotions and unresolved feelings relating to you being cheated on- and he wasn't about to hold himself responsible for that because again, he just isn't that sort of guy. Definitely not someone you'd want to build a life and a family with. Better to find out now rather than later.

 

Ya know?

[Jc396]

I loaned him 400 dollars to cover his bills cause his paycheck was late. He didn't ask me and was relecutant to take the offer but he eventually took my help and I gave him the money in cash and had him pay me back when he got paid. He paid me back two days later which was earlier then expected. I asked why and he said he got his check early and it was more then he expected. I asked him how much it was and he wouldn't tell me. He is always very quiet about how much money he has? He hardly will talk to me about money and over time I was getting annoyed about it. So when I asked him about how much was on the check and he wouldn't tell me. He made it seem like it was none of my business. The comment was along the lines of "hey I loaned you 400 dollars, we are supposed to be a team why can't you tell me how much you got?"

 

He thought I was using the favor to get something out of him. Like I had other motives for loaning him money. Like I was taking advantage of him needing help from me which I wasn't trying to do. I just felt like as someone who has been with him for five years, even when he didn't have a job, I should have an idea of his finances. I'm open with how much money I got but he was always closed off about it. That's the comment I made that he took out of context.this was literally a week before he dumped me!

Edited October 5, 2015 by Jc396

[Jc396]

Tell yourself he doesn't deserve your tears. Don't give him that power.

 

He sounds like he's not ready to settle down and was looking for any excuse for a way out. Don't analyse why as it could have been anything. You didn't do anything wrong. What was the comment anyway?

 

I forgot to quote you in my response ^^^