Falling out of love

[Meli22]

Thought this could be an interesting discussion topic for fellow loveshackers.

 

My brother has recently confided in me about his long term relationship. Basically he feels he is falling out of love with her and has no idea why. He's really panicking over this because he doesn't want to; she's the full package and hasn't done anything wrong. Nothing has really changed in the relationship except he admits they have got into a rut. However, he said he hasn't got it in him to try new things/break the rut. He knows he is being a lousy boyfriend and that she is heart broken (he's told her how he feels) but he doesn't want to break up. I can tell my bro he is really cut up over this. He feels guilty for being cold with her, not wanting to go out, not wanting to spoil her etc. but also frustrated that he just doesn't feel that spark anymore. She is being very patient and supportive. He is worrying so much that I also feel that weight is causing tension and thus making him withdraw even more. I have told him that he could regret this one day. And if he leaves her to be sure that it's what he wants. He admits he's worried it could just be boredom and that letting her go would be a huge mistake.

 

I couldn't offer him much advice because it's never happened to me. I have fallen out of love before but that's because the guy was constantly cheating etc. it just changed my feelings for him.

 

So.. In your opinion what causes people to fall out of love? What makes something that was once so strong, burn out so fast?

Edited September 2, 2015 by Meli22

[Diezel]

Your brother is being a coward and using the relationship as an excuse so to not be alone, but at the same time, doing less than the bare minimum so that if the relationship ends, it's because she broke up with him so he doesn't have to feel any guilt.

 

Tell him to act like a man and if he really feels that way that he needs to break up with her and stop wasting her time.

[Meli22]

Your brother is being a coward and using the relationship as an excuse so to not be alone, but at the same time, doing less than the bare minimum so that if the relationship ends, it's because she broke up with him so he doesn't have to feel any guilt.

 

Tell him to act like a man and if he really feels that way that he needs to break up with her and stop wasting her time.

 

Yeah I told him he's being really selfish here

[adiamond]

Maybe the honeymoon period is over? When you get to comfortable with someone, things change. TBH, she needs to let him go. Either he'll realize he's being a big butt head, or he'll let her go. If it's the second, they weren't right for each other in the first place.

[HeaderIsBack]

Your brother is being a coward and using the relationship as an excuse so to not be alone, but at the same time, doing less than the bare minimum so that if the relationship ends, it's because she broke up with him so he doesn't have to feel any guilt.

 

Tell him to act like a man and if he really feels that way that he needs to break up with her and stop wasting her time.

 

This. Absolutely this. He's afraid to be alone, that's why he doesn't break up with her. I'm devastated by my BU, but I've come to admit that a big part of it is because I have low self-esteem and basically, I am now afraid to be alone. I accepted a lot of things I shouldn't have during my relationship, and a lot of times I said 'this girl is crazy... but I'll keep going' .She ended breaking up with me, but I honestly thought about it multiple times and kept going only because I was scared of being alone (it was my first relationship, too).

 

This case is less severe (apparently she's a nice girl) but the general idea is the same. He needs to break up with her.

[Satu]

Snip

So.. In your opinion what causes people to fall out of love? What makes something that was once so strong, burn out so fast?

 

 

 

He's stopped investing into the relationship.

 

Thats the fact of the matter.

 

No strange external force has changed the way he feels.

 

He changed it, either consciously, or unconsciously.

 

He should disappear, and leave room for someone more able to sustain a relationship beyond the very easy beginning stage.

Edited September 2, 2015 by Satu

[Meli22]

Snip

 

 

 

 

He's stopped investing into the relationship.

 

Thats the fact of the matter.

 

No strange external force has changed the way he feels.

 

He has; either consciously, or unconsciously.

 

He should disappear, and leave room for someone more able to sustain a relationship beyond the very easy beginning stage.

 

Yup I agree. I hate to talk about family like this but I'll admit he is kinda lazy and always has been. We've always fussed over him as a family because my older sister is settled with her own family now. I'm quite independent and don't like too much fuss. My brother on the other hand likes fuss and has always been spoilt. Things have always came easily to him. And I feel that he loses interest quickly in relationships/feels as though they should feel easy.

[michelle06]

That's the story of my break up. My ex bf just fell out of love with me. He broke up with me because he doesn't want to drag it further and waste his time and my time. He said he wants to be fair too. It hurts because I know I did my part to make the relationship work but at the same time I understand that it happens. At first I offered to try to fix the relationship but eventually I realized we need to let go. I am still hurting and missing him but there's nothing i can right now but to accept it and try to move on.

[Meli22]

That's the story of my break up. My ex bf just fell out of love with me. He broke up with me because he doesn't want to drag it further and waste his time and my time. He said he wants to be fair too. It hurts because I know I did my part to make the relationship work but at the same time I understand that it happens. At first I offered to try to fix the relationship but eventually I realized we need to let go. I am still hurting and missing him but there's nothing i can right now but to accept it and try to move on.

 

I'm sorry to hear Michelle.. Hope you recover fully soon x

[michelle06]

Thank you Meli22. I am trying my best to move on and recover but it's not easy.

[Meli22]

Thank you Meli22. I am trying my best to move on and recover but it's not easy.

 

No it's definitely not but it does get easier, that's the only thing that's guaranteed! Keep posting on here, we're all here to help each other

[michelle06]

I don't know what is worse pain? pain from being cheated or pain from your significant other fell out of love?

[Satu]

That's the story of my break up. *My ex bf just fell out of love with me.

 

*He didn't 'fall out of love with' you.

 

He just wasn't willing to invest in the relationship in the way one has to, to make a relationship last.

 

Goodbye lazy and selfish lump.

[Meli22]

I've been cheated on.. That's pretty bad because the mental image of them with someone else is there too and it's real. But take solace in knowing it's not YOUR fault. Your ex has his own issues as to why he feels that way. You did all you could to salvage it

[michelle06]

Yeah. I know he will not have a long term relationship because he will keep doing that when the honeymoon phase is over. Thank you satu.

[Satu]

*I've been cheated on.. That's pretty bad because the mental image of them with someone else is there too and it's real. But take solace in knowing it's not YOUR fault. Your ex has his own issues as to why he feels that way. You did all you could to salvage it

 

*People who do that to other people are absolutely worthless as relationship partners.

 

The may have value in other contexts, but as partners, they are worthless.

[Satu]

Yeah. I know he will not have a long term relationship because he will keep doing that when the honeymoon phase is over. Thank you satu.

 

Hopefully you'll find yourself with somebody grown up, before too long.

 

 

Take care.

[michelle06]

I am hoping and praying for that satu. But I think I'm taking a break from dating and relationship for a while. I'm gonna be on my last year of practical nursing, so that should help me move forward.

[Karen855]

That's the story of my break up. My ex bf just fell out of love with me. He broke up with me because he doesn't want to drag it further and waste his time and my time. He said he wants to be fair too. It hurts because I know I did my part to make the relationship work but at the same time I understand that it happens. At first I offered to try to fix the relationship but eventually I realized we need to let go. I am still hurting and missing him but there's nothing i can right now but to accept it and try to move on.

 

Brave girl! You have amazing strength xxx

[Meli22]

*People who do that to other people are absolutely worthless as relationship partners.

 

The may have value in other contexts, but as partners, they are worthless.

 

Totally agree

[Blue73]

I maybe dating your Brother! LOL. My guy was saying these exact words, he doesnt want to fall out of love with me and keeps trying to re-connect with me as he doesnt want us to be over, but cant get past why he is feeling this way.

On my end of things -Its horrible. Especially when they say that they are so sad and depressed. it gives us false hope

[Meli22]

I maybe dating your Brother! LOL. My guy was saying these exact words, he doesnt want to fall out of love with me and keeps trying to re-connect with me as he doesnt want us to be over, but cant get past why he is feeling this way.

On my end of things -Its horrible. Especially when they say that they are so sad and depressed. it gives us false hope

 

I'm really sorry about what you're going through! yeah I don't understand and I'm trying to be a supportive sis but I can only do so much when I can't read l his mind. I just imagine him letting her go and regretting this big time. But back to you, look after number 1

[Meli22]

Update for those interested:

 

My brothers girlfriend has turned the tables it seems. My brother and her were supposed to be going on a trip in a few weeks (they were going to book flights this weekend) but my brother was hesitating and not wanting to book anything because of the way he feels. So she has now booked the trip with a friend instead, without consenting him. My brother is really upset and annoyed over this (to be honest I don't blame her for doing this). She's also asked for time apart, this seems to have shaken him up too. I told him that this was inevitably going to happen but I feel that despite the way he's been, he hasn't prepared for it.

[10yearsgoneaway]

That's the story of my break up. My ex bf just fell out of love with me. He broke up with me because he doesn't want to drag it further and waste his time and my time. He said he wants to be fair too. It hurts because I know I did my part to make the relationship work but at the same time I understand that it happens. At first I offered to try to fix the relationship but eventually I realized we need to let go. I am still hurting and missing him but there's nothing i can right now but to accept it and try to move on.

 

 

Same here. In my opinion, its worse than being cheated on. That's a physical action that can happen from certain circumstances. Sometimes they even are remorseful and still care.

Falling out of love, is from the heart. They don't miss you, care how you are doing, they simply are uninterested. Also it's hard to put closure on it since there was no definitive action to place it on.

[Meli22]

I'm sorry to hear what you're both going through. In my experience, if you didn't do anything wrong and they just claimed to have fallen out of love for no reason, it's because they have unrealistic or at least different ideas of love. I think this is happening with my brother, I think it happened with my ex too. They love the idea of that "feeling", that spark and passion at the beginning. Once that naturally wears off and things become routine, they get bored and feel like they're losing interest. They do lost interest and don't have the mind to make an effort to keep the relationship alive. Instead they choose to find new pastures, play around and seek that new feeling again which, will eventually wear off too.

 

That's just my opinion. I won't know your circumstances. For me I know whenever I'm with someone, in theirs fully and I put my heart and soul into a relationship. I'm always trying to spice things up, do new things and showing them appreciation. I'd never flake if I got bored, I'd simply suggest new things. My ex was in a similar position to my brother (except he was very controlling) and he wouldn't put the effort in. Instead he sat questioning his feelings and, despite wanting to stay together, he wasn't willing to put the effort in. Thank god my eyes became open and I realised I was being treated badly so I walked away with my head up. Sometimes people take things for granted, it's only when they're long gone that they realise.