What if I told ex what he did was not ok? And how to try and forget

[aliroser]

I've posted on here before about my situation. It's now been about 3 months since the break but instead of it getting easier. It's getting harder despite all my steps to 'move on' - I've been meeting new people, getting success with my job, keeping busy, going on a couple of dates etc but yet still I can't get him - more 'them' actually off my mind.

 

I was in a long distance+long term relationship, whilst I was away he met someone at work, they got along well, he started acting up - barely called, getting angry at texts for no reasons, wouldn't answer whenever he was with her (every night), went AWOL a few nights etc. He told me he was in a 'dark place' when I saw him 'confused' 'he felt he needed to work on himself' etc - all of the excuses you can think of. So under that pretence I was forced to end it. I knew he didn't have the backbone to.

 

Only a couple of weeks after I saw intimate photos of them together - he denied everything for 2 moths. Finally he owned up to it once I saw photos of her at his parents house (and he was still planning to meet up with me before this).

 

Obviously I'm not meeting up now, there's been NC and I've not looked at anything of his for a few weeks now & unfollowed everything to do with him. But I feel paralysed over thoughts of them happy together. I can't let go of the hurt he caused me and lies he used to cover up the fact his mind was elsewhere.

He's now incredibly happy and I've been left on the dust. He got away with it and I never told him how ****ty it was of him to have done that.

 

I'm having dreams every night about them, I get anxious worried if I'll bump in to them somewhere. I can't get it off my mind. It doesn't help that she's very similar to be but an updated version I guess - rich family, big house, more 'successful' so obviously he's in heaven and I'm the one feeling terrible.

 

I was thinking of writing an email to him with all my thoughts - something calm and concise, but explaining that although time has passed, and we've both moved on - what he did was not ok, I had put a lot of my time in to that relationship and maybe maybe for future reference it's always better to be honest with people etc.

 

I guess I feel this would let him know he didn't get away with it guilt free - he's not the nice guy he thought he was and he took the cowards way out.

 

I just want to feel better. Help!

[Qboro90]

That wouldn't make him feel anything actually. Your email isn't all of a sudden going to make him feel guilty or recognize that what he did was a scumbag move. He's a scumbag so that is what scumbags do. They don't feel bad about it or regret it so your email isn't going to change any of that. All that email would do is make him think that you are still hung up on him (which you are) and boost his ego knowing that he could up and leave you like he did and 3 months later you're still letting it affect your life.

 

He hasn't let it affect his. Hedidn't feel bad about it then, he's not gonna feel bad about it now. The question is why do you feel the need to tell him that. It's simply you're own insecurities and self worth issues that are holding you back.

 

Let's say he broke up with the girl he's with now. You already know that you and him could never get back together after what he's done. Even if you did, you would never trust him again and it would be a dark cloud over the relationship and eventually break you up or cause even bigger problems. So if you can come to that realization then you can finally leave him behind. You haven't gotten past him yet because you haven't met anyone who you like enough. That's normal after only 3 months. You can't expect to find someone that blows you away and captures your attention in such a short amount of time. So be realistic and keep telling yourself that you will find someone else eventually that makes your ex look like nothing.

[guest569]

In my experiences, lots of exes worked really hard at pretending they did nothing wrong and finding ways to pass the blame, to alleviate any guilt they felt/may have felt. There is no point writing to him, you don't know how he will respond, it will most likely cause you more pain or make you feel worse.

 

I reached out to my ex a fair few times, it initially made me feel relief but quickly followed with regret, and i regret all of it now. I should have walked away as soon as he said the breakup speech. Please learn from my mistake and get on with your life, your new and improved life free of this horrible man.

[Mittens]

Honestly? He won't get past the first line of your email.

 

I know, because I've been the one to receive one of these emails...from an ex of about 2 months. I was the dumper - for many reasons, but the main one being that the guy wouldn't acknowledge that I was his girlfriend after a year of being together, and kept telling me that we were both free to meet someone else. Of course, when I actually did, and ended our 'relationship' he was suddenly 'in love' with me...

 

When I got the email, my first reaction was one of annoyance. The relationship was over, we weren't going to be friends, so I didn't want to hear from him. I wasn't interested in anything he had to say or his opinions. I ended the relationship because I no longer wanted him in my life. By emailing me - and he also texted me for a good 4 months after we split up - I ended up disliking him intensely. I didn't feel guilty, just exasperated that he was still bothering me.

 

I wouldn't give him the ego boost that you are still thinking about him. I once made the massive mistake of pestering an ex, continually asking why he dumped me. In the end he was so sick of me contacting him that he told me exactly why, in words that I still hate to think of, nearly 8 years later. He used deeply private personal information that I had never told anyone else against me....deliberately, to hurt me and to make me stop. I completely lost all my dignity in that breakup by keeping in touch with him.

 

I know you want to feel better. You are looking to the very last person who can help you with that, please believe me.

[aliroser]

The thing is, I don't want him back. I never once told him I missed him/always pretended I was cool about it all. But I just don't like the idea that he thinks he got away without causing any hurt/he's able to feel guilt-free

 

Also, he wanted to be friends, told me he still wanted me in his life and cared a great deal (debatable..) but yeah, I guess sending him something along the lines of what I said might make him realise why I don't want to associate myself with him every again

[aliroser]

Also since the break, if ever we texted he was the one always asking me questions, wanting to know more - being the initiator (this was before he was forced to admit the whole time he was seeing this new girl) so in theory I'd like to think he would take some notice of what I had to say!

[d0nnivain]

By all means Write it down, but use a word processing program, not e-mail. Get all your feelings out & on paper. Vent. Get it all out.

 

 

Then print what you wrote. Fold it up. Put it in a drawer for a week. Take it back out & re-read it. The in a safe controlled space, light it on fire & let it burn. Watch it char. Watch the smoke & let it all go.

 

 

Under no circumstances should you transmit it to him.

 

 

If you send it to him, he probably won't read it. If he reads it, he's more likely to conclude you are crazy then he is to read it & take what you said to heart. Worst case scenario he posts it to social media & it's goes viral, making you a genuine laughing stock.

 

 

My way you get all the benefits of unburdening yourself but none of the risks.

[guest569]

The thing is, I don't want him back. I never once told him I missed him/always pretended I was cool about it all. But I just don't like the idea that he thinks he got away without causing any hurt/he's able to feel guilt-free

 

Also, he wanted to be friends, told me he still wanted me in his life and cared a great deal (debatable..) but yeah, I guess sending him something along the lines of what I said might make him realise why I don't want to associate myself with him every again

 

So you want to associate with him, to prove that you don't want to associate with him..

[BC1980]

The thing is, I don't want him back. I never once told him I missed him/always pretended I was cool about it all. But I just don't like the idea that he thinks he got away without causing any hurt/he's able to feel guilt-free

 

Also, he wanted to be friends, told me he still wanted me in his life and cared a great deal (debatable..) but yeah, I guess sending him something along the lines of what I said might make him realise why I don't want to associate myself with him every again

 

First off, he doesn't want to be friends. That's just a line that a lot of people use to make themselves feel like less of an arse. At the most, he wants to be on good terms with you and would be cordial if he saw you in person.

 

Second, you can't make him feel guilt. If he doesn't intrinsically feel badly about what he did, there is nothing you can do to make him feel any differently. We all have a way of trying to justify our actions, and it's darn near impossible to be objective about your own feelings. I'm sorry, and it sucks. But you can't worry about how he feels. If you actually call him out on his behavior, he is likely to paint you as the villain. People hate to be taken to task for their bad behavior, and I think the net result would be that he would feel less guilt. It's a rare person that can accept negative feedback about themselves and take it to heart. It's difficult for any of us.

 

Third, you may not want him back, but sending that email will communicate that you do. The email will only accomplish one thing: convincing your ex that he still affects you. That would be a nice ego boost for him. Don't give him the satisfaction.

[BC1980]

By all means Write it down, but use a word processing program, not e-mail. Get all your feelings out & on paper. Vent. Get it all out.

 

 

Then print what you wrote. Fold it up. Put it in a drawer for a week. Take it back out & re-read it. The in a safe controlled space, light it on fire & let it burn. Watch it char. Watch the smoke & let it all go.

 

 

Under no circumstances should you transmit it to him.

 

 

If you send it to him, he probably won't read it. If he reads it, he's more likely to conclude you are crazy then he is to read it & take what you said to heart. Worst case scenario he posts it to social media & it's goes viral, making you a genuine laughing stock.

 

 

My way you get all the benefits of unburdening yourself but none of the risks.

 

Good advice. I did something similar. I once had the ridiculous idea of emailing my ex about how awful I felt he had been to me. Thank goodness I never sent it! I wrote and rewrote the email. I added things when I thought about it. Then, I finally deleted it, but it helped me get rid of what I was feeling.

[BriNyc82]

 

I guess I feel this would let him know he didn't get away with it guilt free - he's not the nice guy he thought he was and he took the cowards way out.

 

I just want to feel better. Help!

 

I was literally in this exact situation. I needed to let him know I was onto him and that I wasn't being fooled. It only caused more fighting b/c he still stands by the whole "fixing me" story when it's clearly a lie. Don't send him that email. I know you want to feel better and let him have it, but nothing good will come of it. He most likely wont respond well. You will feel really good for about the two minutes after you send it, but that's about it. I regret sending mine because now when I replay things in my head it always goes back to that stupid email and txt I sent. Just my two cents =)

 

Just like BC said, even if you don't want him back he will think you do. Mine did, and told me to stop contacting him and to move on. I didn't want to be with him, I just wanted him to know that I know he lied. It was going in circles, accomplished nothing. He took no accountability and got really angry with me for making him feel bad (like I cared).

 

Highly recommend not sending!