"Are you happy that you destroyed me?"

[NoMoreJerks]

He broke up with me, after a month of arguments and fights. At first I cried, begged him not to break up, wanted us to stay together, etc. The whole gamut of embarrassing things dumpees often do. But he kept insisting that he couldn't continue with me, so on his third attempt to break-up with me, he said the decision was final, and I said I accepted it. I took my stuff and left. This was 16 days ago. I was trying to accept the break-up and move on with my life. He had wanted us to stay friends when he broke up, and I said I wasn't sure I could do that for the time being, but that I'd like to be friends with him down the line. I kept him on my facebook and so did he, but otherwise initiated NC. I removed all his friends from my FB, though (because I felt that they had badmouthed me to him and tried to convince him to break up), except for 2 (who had not been involved in our relationship issues). And those 2 deleted me from FB 4 days ago and yesterday respectively. The ex also removed me yesterday from FB, at the same time as the last friend who removed me from FB. It seemed that they had done it together or something. A few hrs later, the ex emails me a one-liner email that reads: "Are you happy that you destroyed me?"

 

What in the actual hell? He is the one who wanted to break up. He kept saying that he could no longer sleep cos he wanted to break up with me so badly. I asked him if he thought he was going to sleep better once he broke up. He said, why the hell wouldn't I? I said OK, and when he broke up, I said: Hope that you're gonna sleep better now that you finally went through with the breakup. My head is buzzing and spinning since I read this email. I don't know how I should respond, or if I should respond. Or why he even said what he said. I had been posting photos of me on facebook, at a bachelorette party, and also, photos of animals that I had taken on my recent trip, or news about my career, like, getting new contracts, etc., followed by comments like, "life is good!" I wonder if he thought I was having the time of my life since he broke up with me or something. But we all have our ways of coping. I was genuinely trying to fake it til I made it. OK, and maybe a little bit of trying to show him that I wasn't curled up in bed crying over him and the break-up (though I did that for a week after he broke up, during which I was not posting at all on facebook). I guess he wanted me to suffer, or something, and as long as I was not posting on facebook, he was happy about it and never made a comment or deleted me on facebook. But when he saw that I wasn't struggling or sad, he got mad? Am I dealing with an immature person or a manipulator? Has anyone experienced this level of craziness post-break-up? And ironically he was the one who had accused me of being crazy in the past month before the break-up. How do I proceed? Do I ignore the email and continue NC? I feel bad for him, considering he is saying stuff like he feels ruined/destroyed. Or is that a ploy to get me to engage?? I am not sure I want to get back together with him. I don't think that's possible or enviable anyway, considering how much bad blood there is between me and his friends and his 11 year old son (to whom he badmouthed me). I feel like I'd be disrespecting myself if I get back together with him after this, even if he begged and apologized, etc. But part of me wants to, I guess, though I know it's never going to be the same as before.

Edited August 28, 2015 by NoMoreJerks

[ExpatInItaly]

Are you dealing with an immature person? Yes.

 

Have I experienced that? Yes.

 

That person is no longer part of my life. And your ex should not be part of yours either. He sounds like a child. How old are you both?

 

And don't respond to his email. He's looking for a fight. Delete it and really start detaching.

[Grumpybutfun]

Sounds like a drunken email....geez, so immature.

Move on, you can do better,

G

[NoMoreJerks]

He is 43. I am 32.

 

The email was sent at 1am. By the sounds of it, he was with his friends, having dinner and drinks at his place, because his male friend deleted me at around the same time as he did. Pretty immature of them all, to be honest, and they are all a bunch of 40+ year olds. I'd hate to think how his son is gonna turn out. A man-child who is raising a child. Too bad.

[Grumpybutfun]

I'm around his age and I can't imagine any conversation I would have with my friends about deleting people from FB for my ego or to hurt them.

You dodged a bullet....sometimes age really doesn't indicate maturity level.

G

[elaine567]

Stick to your profile name, and let him stew in his own juice.

 

You are now free from him, heal and move on.

Leave him to his silly games and be grateful he has no hold on you any longer.

[NoMoreJerks]

I had the temptation to reply, but I resisted it. I am sticking to NC. I am hoping he doesn't escalate this, because I really was tempted to reply....

[ImmortalDracula]

You deleted all his friends from fb and yet you call him/friend childish for doing like wise

 

Who started the fights and what were they about. Without that I cannot give you a fair answer.

 

Incidentally why would you keep him on FB you or he or both were in a destructive relationship - at whose instigation I cannot say for now.

 

I’ve known girls who were happy to have many of their exes on FB as they were all wonderful. And yet they start with the fire brimstone should I have one. God forbid one ive never met as these people are apparently of no worth – unlike their wonderful friends.

 

So a few things going on with a simple statement like the above.

Primarily an isolation attempt and a few other bits abd bobs

 

Do yourself, perhaps him a favour, take him of FB and block him there and phone.

 

All you need is one moment of weakness, or a cheap bottle of chardonnay, to reply & let him back in to repeat the cycle.

 

But it is consuming you.

 

From someone who has been bad mouthed – well lie after lie told. I figure some of their friends will work out their stories seem a little off, more fantastical, nae absurd with each telling of the tall tales.

 

Are you happy that you destroyed me waffle - there can be many reasons for this being uttered. I always liked the word schadenfreude. I am uncertain if it has a definitive meaning

 

The problem with sociopaths and psychosis is they can seem compelling most of the time, just not all of the time

[NoMoreJerks]

Since April, he had been largely emotionally (and often physically) missing from the relationship, preferring to hang out instead with his friends, finding excuses not to do stuff with me, etc. Basically, I was the one saying that he was taking me for granted, which started fights. Then, there were fights because he was using me financially, getting me to rent a car to take his kid places, and then his kid changing his mind , and him acquiescing, leaving me with a $80 car rental bill. So, there were fights about them taking me for granted, using me, not spending enough time with me, his friends disrespecting me and making fun of me, and him not standing up for me, etc. Then, he decided he could no longer take it, that I had traumatized his kid, ruined his (and his kid's ) summer, etc. And bailed out of the relationship. I begged and pleaded, saying we could discuss like adults and resolve the things that were making me/him unhappy, etc. But he had already bailed out emotionally, had badmouthed me to his friends and his kid, and had told them that he was going to break up with me, they were pressuring him to do it for the past month already, so he finally did it. When I finally accepted it, and wished him the best (took it like an adult, did not beg and fight etc.), he was surprised, he said he was expecting that I would fight with him, yell, etc.

 

I am still convinced that he had a case of GIGS. Probably kept thinking that he'd have it so good with other women, and saw only the negatives about our relationship (only the fights). He even kept telling me (rationalization) that since we had started dating, it had been all about fights. Which is completely untrue, as there had not been any fights until this past July (we had been seeing each other for a year and a half). We had one minor argument, because he had left me in the lurch and had gone and started chit-chatting and laughing with his ex, without introducing me to her, but that was the only "fight" we had ever had until July.

 

I kept him on FB because it is the hardest thing to do, to delete someone from FB, because it is the last "window" into their life. And I was also hoping deep down that he would delete me, because it was too hard for me to do it. I felt like I'd be rejecting him as a friend, if I did, and was emotionally too weak to do it. He had asked me if I was gonna delete him and his friends from FB, whether I'd still consider them my friends. He equated the two: that if I deleted them from FB, I no longer wanted them in my life. I thought about it for a week, and then I figured I didn't want his friends in my life at all, but that maybe, down the line, I wanted him in my life as a friend. However, it seems like he considers himself a package deal with his friends. If you don't like/want to see my friends, you don't get to see me either. Something along those lines. He wants to control me and bust my boundaries, into accepting being "friends" with people who had disrespected me and to whom he had badmouthed me. He wanted to put a price tag on my rejection of his friends: friendship with him. Basically, withholding friendship with me, because I refused to be "friends" with his friends.

 

My feeling is that the temporary relief of dumping me is now replaced with feelings of loneliness, etc. The thing is, when he broke up with me, he was not working (he doesn't work summers), and he was having fun right after he broke up with me, with his friends, going to concerts, etc. Now that he has started working again, he no longer has that much time and freedom to hang out with his friends, his friends probably also got tired of him moaning about me and badmouthing me (assumption, of course). Anyway, for sure, he is not hanging out with them as much as in the past 2 weeks), so it started dawning on him that he may have made a mistake, because he had it so good (aside from the fights that took place only recently). At the same time, he doesn't want to take responsibility for his part in the fights and in the fact that it was his choice to break up. He never apologized for his role in the fights. Never admitted to being partly responsible for it, etc. I did all the apologizing. He is someone who does not like taking responsibility for anything. So he is now playing the role of the victim, turning the tables, making it look like I gave him no choice but to break up. That it was I, in fact, who was the real dumper. What in the actual f*ck???

 

Anyway, that is my interpretation. He is playing mind games and is trying to get me involved in fights, to feel better about what he has done, because I took the high ground and now he feels even sh*ttier about what he did to me. He wants me to lash out and be a b*tch so he can tell himself, and his friends: see? She is a b*tch , I told you. She said nasty things to me, etc.

 

IMO, I may have been immature at some points during the fights, and I could've handled my anger better -- and maybe even walked out of the relationship myself.... but he is being completely immature and HORRIBLE to me by sending these sorts of messages to me, and badmouthing me to his friends and son, and getting the only 2 friends who had not butted into our relationship troubles, to remove me from FB.

Edited August 29, 2015 by NoMoreJerks

[Rejected Rosebud]

I can understand why you are thinking about this but really you have no business doing so, why he sent you that message needs to be immaterial to you, obviously from your posts about it you had a sick relationship with the guy and now it's over and that is for the best right?? I'm sure he was drunk and feeling pathetic, that has nothing to do with you though, in reality!

[NoMoreJerks]

You deleted all his friends from fb and yet you call him/friend childish for doing like wise

I did not ask people to delete him, because we did not work out. So it is not the same thing. I deleted his friends because they backstabbed me, and so , they are not my friends. In addition, they were his friends, that got introduced to me because we were together. Now that we no longer are, and they treated me with disrespect, I saw no reason to keep them on FB. I don't think it is the same thing or a sign of immaturity. However, if my friends had him on facebook and I asked them to delete him, then I guess that would be childish. I didn't do that.

[Rejected Rosebud]

NMJ I know you are hurt that he broke up with you but it sounds 100% HORRIBLE with terrible behavior on BOTH of your parts, I hope you will maybe get some counseling to help you see that what was going on there is not what a desirable relationship looks like. Awhile back I posted on your thread about your hatred of his son and his relationship with his son, all this "backstabbing," begging for another chance, fb drama - none of it belongs in a relationship you would want to be in, I hope!

[NoMoreJerks]

I didn't hate his son and still don't. But I was resentful because of he way they treated me. I did everything for his son and he still had no modicum of gratitude or respect. That's why I was resentful. And his dad rewarded his bad behavior. It only got more overt after he badmouthed me to his son. Anyway, I am not proud of how I expressed my dissatisfaction (fights) and also that I begged, but I feel like I was very mature for the most part, unlike him. At any rate, I see no reason how he is the one who is destroyed. I gave him and his son my all and on top of that he got sex and an ego shag in return for a semblance of a relationship. The fact that he accused me of it means that he is a manipulative jerk.

[Mondmellonw]

Yes, he is a manipulative immature jerk.

No, you don't wish to keep on arguing with him as there is no point on it.

 

I had an ex cheat on me -> accuse me for being insecure -> I broke it off with him -> he insulted me that same day -> started dating a "friend" of mine a week after.

 

And so on.

Nothing good comes out of break ups with these kind of people.

But it will be way better for you to be without him in the long run, I promise!

 

 

Take care.

[Rejected Rosebud]

At any rate, I see no reason how he is the one who is destroyed.

Well like I said IMO you should not be giving this one phrase any attention at all, he probably was just drunk, pissed off, trying to take a jab at you, whatever. Nothing for you to be bothering with trying to dissect. But, a sick relationship with all that fighting and ugliness is destructive to whoever is in it even if they are the one who did the breaking up.

[NoMoreJerks]

I hate what this one liner provocation is doing to me. I keep wondering if he is too scared to call/mssg me about getting back together and is using this as a way to engage me in conversation. Probably not, but sometimes I can't help but wonder. This was such mind-f*ckery.

[Stage5Clinger]

He is 43. I am 32.

 

The email was sent at 1am. By the sounds of it, he was with his friends, having dinner and drinks at his place, because his male friend deleted me at around the same time as he did. Pretty immature of them all, to be honest, and they are all a bunch of 40+ year olds. I'd hate to think how his son is gonna turn out. A man-child who is raising a child. Too bad.

 

I'm 28 and haven't been this immature since my prepubescent years. He broke up with you and he hasn't moved on yet. Trying to make sense out of that is impossible he's just a loonie.

[mightycpa]

Assuming that you don't want to play yo-yo anymore, the only correct response to that email is

 

[NoMoreJerks]

Assuming that you don't want to play yo-yo anymore, the only correct response to that email is

do you think he's trying to play games to get me to get back with him / will break up later on again? Is that what you mean?

[HeaderIsBack]

Wow. My exgf said this exact same thing to me. After she broke up with me, I made all the mistakes (cried, begged, etc.) but then stopped. After about a month of stopping, she said she hated me and that I destroyed her because 'she saw me crying and it made her feel destroyed'.

 

WTF. Exe's are seriously insane and in need of validation. Don't think about it too much, it's just nonsense.

[NoMoreJerks]

Wow. My exgf said this exact same thing to me. After she broke up with me, I made all the mistakes (cried, begged, etc.) but then stopped. After about a month of stopping, she said she hated me and that I destroyed her because 'she saw me crying and it made her feel destroyed'.

 

WTF. Exe's are seriously insane and in need of validation. Don't think about it too much, it's just nonsense.

Thanks. Makes me feel a bit better to know that this is something that others have done, too. These people are so selfish, it's all about me-me-me! How dare you make me feel guilty/bad for having broken up with you! It's his feelings that matter, not mine, after all that was said or done!

[Mondmellonw]

do you think he's trying to play games to get me to get back with him / will break up later on again? Is that what you mean?

 

This type of guys never change. I tell you for experience...

[guest569]

"You're welcome :)" springs to mind, haha no way, just ignore him. No idea where his comment came from, but he is not your problem anymore! I dont think you will ever know what his motive is, but if he does want to work things out, that is not the way to go about it. Stop wondering about it, it sounds like you were very unhappy at least from April onward, and difficulties with his son, it sounds like this is for the best.

 

I admire how well you are doing and that you have all these positive things to focus on (even if it is just faking it until you make it, or to rub is face in it) i hope you are also being true to yourself and processing your emotions rather than bottling it up.

[mightycpa]

do you think he's trying to play games to get me to get back with him / will break up later on again? Is that what you mean?

I mean that whatever the reason (which doesn't matter, by the way), if you were to get back together once again, it doesn't seem likely this time would stick. Nothing substantive has changed, has it?

[NoMoreJerks]

I had a moment of weakness, and had been stewing in the temptation to respond for the past 2 days, and I replied last night. I answered his question, "no, because I love you. <3 "

 

However, I almost instantly regretted writing it. This morning, just a while ago, I sent out another email:

 

"At any rate, I don't know why you are accusing me of having destroyed you. I do not consider myself responsible for the decision that you took, to dump me, to burn the bridges between me and your friends and son, to badmouth me to your friends and son, to consider their demands and criteria more important than our relationship. Despite all this, I wish you happiness in your life. I hope you will find peace with regards to your choice to break up with me. Take care of yourself."

 

 

I wanted to show him that I don't want him back despite loving him/caring about him. That he has to take responsibility for his actions, rather than blame me for them. I don't want to receive any more emails containing this sort of accusation, because it is bringing me down.