Lost Love of many years

[Seth0194]

I am coming out of a 4 year and 3 month relationship, I must first say this we are 13 years apart in age. During this time we had talked about marriage and children. (I have been married prior and have children with my ex-wife) We have had our share of up and downs in the relationship just like anyone else but it always seemed to work out or fix. We were everything to each other and did almost everything together.

 

Back in February she moved out for a period of about a week saying she needed sometime to think etc. So she moved back home to her mothers (her mother lived approximately 40 miles away) she soon moved back and things seem to work out better then before. She started a new job and was so excited about life and what possibilities were in our near future.

 

Around June she came back and started talking about another break but soon she dismissed this and to be honest I do not remember what changed her mind or why she was asking for this.

 

By end of June we had made plans to take a cruise (5 days and nights) as we had not taken one in 2 and 1/2 years.

 

In Mid-July we had a pretty bad argument about our jobs, people we work with and such, I was mean during this fight, and at the time did not see her point of view and after I apologized to her, I was wrong and will not make any excuses for it or the way I was.

 

She started working more over time as we work shift work and both of us are in the same field/ profession but work at different agencies. For the next two or three weeks we did not see each other very much. On July 31st we met with friends and went out to a local pub and had a good time, the next day she went to a girlfriends birthday party. She came home we ordered take out and enjoyed each others company watching movies and such.

 

The next three days things felt off, I can not describe it but my gut feeling told me something was not right with her but due to work we had little contact nor were we able to talk but when we did, she did not sound right like she was holding back.

 

On Tuesday August 4th she text me and told me she needed to tell me something but did not want to make me mad or upset me. I explained alright I would do my best. She told me she was not sure she wanted to be with me any more but she wanted to take Wednesday and Thursday to spend time together to see if she just missed me or if she was in a funk. We spoke at length this night (or as best we could as she was working) by morning I was convinced or felt she did not want to be with me any more, things she said, etc.

 

Wednesday morning she came home and we made it official, at first she did not give me any reason why she wanted this other then she felt her feelings were changing.

 

I took this really hard as I said we had recently talked about having children, taking a vacation together and even when marriage would come in to play.

By Friday she had confessed she still loved me and wanted to see me happy but she could not be with me any more. I had asked could this be repaired or fixed with time, she said she did not think so, she told me she had made the decision it was time to move on with her life. She wanted to stay in the home (one of the spare bedrooms, as she had no where else to go and with her job being in the area, moving back to her mothers was not an option at this time) We agreed on this and she moved into her room.

 

On Saturday she wanted to go to the gym with me and hang out which we did things seem to be almost better like we were us again, she came in my room and watched tv with me in the bed, asked could she lay her head on my shoulder, etc. Sunday we spent more time together even going as far as to have a few drinks having sex and sleeping together in the same bed.

 

By Monday it was back to being split up and little to NC was in place as we both went back to work. This went on for the next several days, I sent her flowers and did a few nice things in an effort to show I cared.

 

Until it all hit an end, and I asked her what was going on (by this time it had been about 10 days, with mixed signals coming in. She would sneak into my room to lay with me but then the next day she put up a wall) I put my foot down and told her if we are going to be broke up then that is how we need to act. I explained no more sex, no more sleeping in the same bed, that if this was the end, I needed to work on healing. She was not happy with this and told me she loved me and cared about me but could not be with me.

 

It was at this time she outlined why she felt this way (I will not outline them all but I will say she is right to feel the way she does, I thought she had moved pass some of these things but in fact she was still holding on to them but never said anything about them. She explained she did not think she would ever be able to get over them. (Now to clarify, I never cheated on her, I never thought about doing it, I loved her completely and I still do, I could not think of anyone I would rather spend my life with) she was hung up on some of my flaws if you will, quirks, etc.

 

As of this writing it has been 22 days, we have limited contact and do almost nothing together. She has stayed away a few nights when I have been off but she still seems to text me asking me how I am and can she do anything. I dismiss these and continue my efforts to heal myself from a relationship I have never had before. I was married to a women for 7 years and spent 9 years with her, she gave 2 daughters and a son, the pain from that loss is not 1/10 of the pain I feel from this.

 

Several friends have distanced themselves from me as I know I have spoken at great length on it and they seem to take the stance, "hey its been a month already.'

 

My youngest daughter who lives with me full time has been my rock, she is 15 and over the last couple weeks has been there for me like no one ever has, I know all parents say this but she truly is special and helped get my mind off of these, by watching movies with me, hanging with me, asking me out on a dinner date.

 

It hurts and its hard to see her and talk to her. I really want her to be happy and wish her no ill will or malice. I know in my mind this relationship is done, but my heart hurts to know, I will never hold her again, touch her, share those laughs for no reason at all or look in her eyes and see my forever there.

 

Healing has started but I am afraid, how long will it take, this ended without warning (or I did not see the signs)

 

Thanks for reading and I am so sorry this was so long, but when I started writing it all came out and feels good to type this out. Regards Seth.

 

 

PS. Thanks Gus for asking me to share without that, I am not sure I would of.

[Gus Grimly]

PS. Thanks Gus for asking me to share without that, I am not sure I would of.

Hey bud no need to thank me, I'm glad you decided to share your story with us.

 

Well, this is one of those touchy situations. Needless to say, seeing your ex on a daily basis is really tough, especially if you still have feelings for her as you've stated. The worst part? It's having to act normal, calm, cool, and collected when you're whole life is falling apart.

 

Okay here's my tough love. Somebody needs to move out, period! You cannot remain living together, there's absolutely no two ways about it. I'm not saying it can't work with proper boundaries set in place. But, there needs to be a move out date. She cannot remain living with you indefinetly. You need to make this crystal clear to her. The situation is just not practical in any sense unless you both share finances or her name is on the lease etc.

 

If you do plan to continue to allow her to live in your home, you need to draw up some rules and boundaries. What you will and won't stand for. The last thing you need is to feel awkward waking up in the morning and her new BF is sitting on the couch watching your TV, eating your Lucky Charms cereal. The situation could possibly render plenty of drama, your job is to evaluate just how much BS it's going to bring YOU and your daughter and how much of that you're willing to tolerate.

 

Please keep posting your thoughts and updates on your life.

[Seth0194]

Hey bud no need to thank me, I'm glad you decided to share your story with us.

 

Well, this is one of those touchy situations. Needless to say, seeing your ex on a daily basis is really tough, especially if you still have feelings for her as you've stated. The worst part? It's having to act normal, calm, cool, and collected when you're whole life is falling apart.

 

Okay here's my tough love. Somebody needs to move out, period! You cannot remain living together, there's absolutely no two ways about it. I'm not saying it can't work with proper boundaries set in place. But, there needs to be a move out date. She cannot remain living with you indefinetly. You need to make this crystal clear to her. The situation is just not practical in any sense unless you both share finances or her name is on the lease etc.

 

If you do plan to continue to allow her to live in your home, you need to draw up some rules and boundaries. What you will and won't stand for. The last thing you need is to feel awkward waking up in the morning and her new BF is sitting on the couch watching your TV, eating your Lucky Charms cereal. The situation could possibly render plenty of drama, your job is to evaluate just how much BS it's going to bring YOU and your daughter and how much of that you're willing to tolerate.

 

Please keep posting your thoughts and updates on your life.

 

 

Its funny you mentioned that Gus, I drew up a lease for the room and presented it to her tonight, outlined length, rules and such. She was not to happy with it. She wanted to think about it and I agreed to give her a day or two.

 

She mentioned, "What brought this on." Which i replied, We broke up and are still living together, there needs to be something in place."

[Gus Grimly]

She mentioned, "What brought this on." Which i replied, We broke up and are still living together, there needs to be something in place."

Really? What brought this on?!?!? She sounds very immature if THAT was her reaction. I'd of told her it's either that or she moves out. She should be grateful you are allowing her to stay instead of being upset. Her reaction is not one of an understanding mature adult. She broke up with YOU. That means you're no longer responsible over her hurt feelings. If she doesn't like it then she can find other accommodations. I think you are being quite fair and reasonable in your request.

[mightycpa]

My two cents are that it may indeed be a burden for her to live 40 miles away with her mother, but life is full of burdens, and you don't need to bear hers as well as yours.

 

Give her a move out date, and because she has a place to go, it shouldn't take more than a couple of days to get her out. Time to rip the bandaid off of this wound, and give it some air.

[Seth0194]

This morning (about 10 minutes ago) she informs me she will not sign a lease if any kind. Saying " You are being unreasonable and I had every intention of following our verbal agreement, but I do not feel a contract is needed."

 

I then explained the contrat is everything we made verbal, written on paper, it makes it legal and gives an end date. I offered to change the date, either shorter or a couple months longer. But she would not have it, grabbed her bag and stormed out of the house.

 

Coming back 2 minutes later to advise she would be moving out and would give me a date by days end. It hurt to hear it, and Im pissed at myself for feeling that hurt but as you all said its time, 24 days now since our break up and still playing house. This too will pass.

Edited August 28, 2015 by Seth0194

[Gus Grimly]

Coming back 2 minutes later to advise she would be moving out and would give me a date by days end.

Trust me, this is the best outcome. You and your daughter are much better off without her there. Once she's gone your healing can truly begin as she won't be a constant reminder of the failed relationship.

 

You did the right thing and were not being unreasonable. She broke up with you, she's no longer your concern. You will make it through this, just keep posting anytime you are upset or in doubt.

[mightycpa]

If she continues to give you **** about it, before, while or after she leaves, just tell her that you'd do the same thing for any friend of yours, in the same way. You'd offer your house, but set out some clear, written boundaries.

 

It sounds like she wanted a friend with benefits. You'd get the friend and she'd get the benefits.

 

Actually, it sounds like she is suffering from the delusion that because of your recently terminated special relationship, you owe her some special consideration regarding her living arrangements. Apparently, she has failed to consider how the end of the special relationship would mean a simultaneous end to the special consideration and any obligation to provide for her.

 

In case you have any doubts that she might be right, just remember that nobody gets a severance package if they quit a job. You only get that if you're fired without cause, and you have a generous former employer.

 

She'll figure it out one day.

[Seth0194]

Well tonight it all came full circle. We sat down to discuss when she was going to leave and she caught an attitude and said by weekends end. Some words were exchanged (bad on both parts) and it ended with her leaving tonight. She called her mom and she moved about 80% of her stuff tonight (minus bed, dresser and a desk)

 

When i asked for the key, she had the nerve to say, you don not trust me to come get the rest of my stuff? I told her no, I just want it done and over, she can make arrangements to get thise items later but she was not keeping a key to the house.

 

She made some threats about calling the Sheriffs Office and then before she departed said, " You did this."

 

Not sure what I did, i didnt want to break up, she did. I told her she could stay for 6 months with a lease in place, she said no. Then i ask about a deadline for moving, she said weekends end.... if someone can tell me how I did it please tell me, cause other then fighting with her, once we were both heated, i really thought i kept my cool.

 

NC in place, length 2 hours now.

[Seth0194]

So last night about 10 minutes after I posted my message from late last night the Sheriffs Office came knocking on my door and was asking me about the nights evening. They had asked was there a fight and did she leave on her own free will, etc.

 

I spoke with them for about 5 minutes and they were satisfied with the results. She was worried about her items she had left (bed, dresser,etc) I explained she could make arrangements later to come and get the rest of her stuff.

 

She called me about 5 minutes after they left, I went to speak with her and then thought better and hung up the phone. She sent me several texts (after I terminated the call) but I did not reply until about 30 minutes ago, to make arrangements for her to come get the rest of her effects.

[Seth0194]

(Update)

 

Its been 68 days since my ex and I broke up, in that time I have gone through some rough things (as have we all) but I have seen myself grow as a person, I have lost 48 pounds (the right way) since June. My relationship with my daughter has grow to epic proportions. I have made some new friends and I am back out there, really living again. I love my ex and I always will, I really hope the best for her, I have spoken to her a handful of times but I do not think I can be her Best Friend (as she had put in one of our conversations) its nice to hear from her but not on a daily basis.

 

I went out this last Friday, solo (couple friends canceled at the last minute) so I said the heck with it, Ill go alone. I had a blast, I had two women approach me, had some drinks and even approached two women on my own (I was not sure I was ready to start approaching women again) I had a date Saturday night (I had a couple dates about 4 weeks back but was not ready) and it went great, setting up another one this week.

 

To sum up this story, I want to thank the members here for helping me in one of the roughest times of my life, it was very hard but I am through the worse of it, though I know I am not 100%, I'm better to where I know life goes on and will.

 

I close this the final part of my relationship with her, I do not plan on posting any more about it (unless something crazy happens) I also do not find myself here on a daily basis any longer. I plan on dropping by to see if I can help others as so many have for me.

 

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

 

Never give up..... Take care.