Loss of love leads to soul searching.

[Fix]

I had my heart broken. I was in love with someone who, in the end, didn't love me. Perhaps they never truly loved me at all, they maybe just faked it well. They cheated, they got caught, they ended it. I would have gave them another chance, I would have tried again, but that's not what they wanted.

 

So now I am without my love, and have been for a while, and it's this end to my relationship that leaves me feeing lost and without purpose. I lived for them, lived for love and a future, but all of that is gone.

 

The sleepless night are over, I have most of my appetite back. I even have fun happy upbeat smiley days. My life is in decent order. I have a good car, a job I like, I'm not struggling. I'm generally more confident and capable. On paper I'm doing alright, but in reality I don't feel good.

 

I don't know what I am supposed to be doing now, what I want in life, what I am supposed to be working towards. If I could have it, I would take my life with them back in a second, but why? Why can't I move on and find a new goal?

 

Days of motivation are followed by days of 'Who cares, what's the point?'.

 

Do I want a girlfriend, a family? To own my own home? To get into great shape? To help others? I feel like I should be chasing something, but chasing what I don't know. I feel like nothing is out of reach but I just feel no desire to grab it. I can do anything but choose to do nothing. No matter what I do or where I go I'm still me when I get there... And I can be me right here doing nothing.

 

So is that my answer, to reinvent myself? To become a new, but not necessarily improved, version of myself? Just a different version. If I fix the bad habits and commit to seemingly worthy changes will I be happier and more satisfied... Will I be happier than I was with them?

 

You live for love and you lose yourself. I am a blank slate. I have no passions or hobbies, I don't know what I like.

[Gus Grimly]

I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. The end of a relationship is never easy, it messes with our entire routine and comfort zone. My life is all out of wack since my BU. I'm having to try extra hard to do all the things that used to come easily.

 

You shouldn't be asking yourself all these questions right now. You are still healing. Your mind is befuddled with thoughts of your Ex and the Past you shared. That's not gonna go away overnight. I say yes, improve yourself, go out and challenge yourself. Become empowered and leave all the negativity that surrounds your Breakup behind.

[SycamoreCircle]

These are all very natural thoughts and feelings. I experienced them, too. And like you I was in love with someone who cheated on me and disrespected our bond.

 

Do whatever you want. There is no right or wrong.

 

I don't side with the improve yourself mantra. I believe we improve ourselves all the time without trying.

 

Do what you have the energy for. That is enough. If you want to go to the gym, go to the gym. If you want to take a class, take a class. If you want to learn a musical instrument, learn a musical instrument. If you want to spend the entire day in bed, do that.

 

Eventually, your mind and body will readjust to the balanced person you were before all this happened.

 

Above all, be good to yourself. Treat yourself. Find pleasures. Take a long, relaxing bath. Eat a yummy fruit pie for dinner. Go on a long walk. Take a trip to Guatemala or Canada. Watch a fun movie. Find cats and dogs to pet. Read a book in a cafe while sipping coffee. Watch some stand up comedy. Go hear some live music. Climb a tree. Swim in the ocean.

 

Spend some time with yourself.

[Thecondor1991]

Man I am literally in the same position. It's been like three months since my break up. Before my break up I had a few hobbies I really enjoyed, I built and painted models, played videogames, and I always felt like I knew what I wanted. After we broke up I completely felt lost. Like I had no direction or purpose. I couldn't even look at my models or videogames so I boxed them all up and moved them into my garage where I wouldn't have to see them. Now I'll admit things have gotten a bit better. I have more good days then bad, but god the bad days are BAD. On the bad days I wake up not knowing what to do, I find myself saying "what am I supposed to do with my life, I have no drive or goals anymore."

[Gus Grimly]

"what am I supposed to do with my life, I have no drive or goals anymore."

I'm in the same boat, but I'm trying hard just to push myself to get out of it. I'm making a drastic life change in a few months. Moving far away. I decided that would truly be the only way for me to change my life 100%. It's drastic, but in my case I need something that radical or I will go insane.

[RocketQueen]

We live in a world where everything is accessible, we want everything now or sooner if possible.

 

When we have our hearts broken we have millions of articles at our fingertips telling us how we should get over our ex. We live in a world where everyone is telling us how to behave, what our goals should be and what makes us successful whether it be in our relationships, our finances or whatever...when in reality it all boils down to us and how we deal with it.

 

Sometimes giving ourselves a goal or feeling like we should have a plan in place just adds to the pressure and feelings of inadequacy that a break up stirs up.

 

Soul searching is natural at a time like this. I've had more than enough time on my own to sit and think about what I was lacking in my relationship, it wasn't always an easy time to be brutally honest with myself.

 

If going by the 'book' I should have a new hobby by now, be sporting a radical new haircut, be telling myself twenty times a day how awesome I am, have knocked 6 things from my bucket list and be dipping my toe into the world of online dating.

 

In reality I'm getting used to DOING NOTHING on my own and being happy with it, finishing the boxset that I started watching with him but couldn't finish because it was too painful and surviving it and revelling in the fact that I don't HAVE to shave my legs tonight if I don't want to.

 

It's the simple things. Baby steps.

 

The new high flying career can wait, I'll dye my hair green in my own time. I'll conquer Everest another time.

 

I'm too busy appreciating the things I have while I sit with a book at the local coffee shop on my own finally not feeling like a loser. I'd say I'm slowly but surely winning.

[aloneinaz]

We live in a world where everything is accessible, we want everything now or sooner if possible.

 

When we have our hearts broken we have millions of articles at our fingertips telling us how we should get over our ex. We live in a world where everyone is telling us how to behave, what our goals should be and what makes us successful whether it be in our relationships, our finances or whatever...when in reality it all boils down to us and how we deal with it.

 

Sometimes giving ourselves a goal or feeling like we should have a plan in place just adds to the pressure and feelings of inadequacy that a break up stirs up.

 

Soul searching is natural at a time like this. I've had more than enough time on my own to sit and think about what I was lacking in my relationship, it wasn't always an easy time to be brutally honest with myself.

 

If going by the 'book' I should have a new hobby by now, be sporting a radical new haircut, be telling myself twenty times a day how awesome I am, have knocked 6 things from my bucket list and be dipping my toe into the world of online dating.

 

In reality I'm getting used to DOING NOTHING on my own and being happy with it, finishing the boxset that I started watching with him but couldn't finish because it was too painful and surviving it and revelling in the fact that I don't HAVE to shave my legs tonight if I don't want to.

 

It's the simple things. Baby steps.

 

The new high flying career can wait, I'll dye my hair green in my own time. I'll conquer Everest another time.

 

I'm too busy appreciating the things I have while I sit with a book at the local coffee shop on my own finally not feeling like a loser. I'd say I'm slowly but surely winning.

 

 

What a GREAT post! I love it.

[YellowPetal]

You can't live for anyone else, but yourself. Something similar happened to me as well. I allowed a guy to be my everything, my happiness, the center of my existence. Unfortunately, because of this, I wasn't aware he was only using me until it was too late and he cheated on me. The day I found out was one of the worst days of my life and I am still not completely healed.

I just wanted to tell you that you can't allow anyone else to become your only happiness. Your own well being has to come first, always. Sure, another person can make you happy, but expect that the relationship might not work out and that you need to be your own best friend. Question everything they do/say, be kind to them but not overly trusting and spend a lot of time alone. Being alone will allow you to think about the relationship and notice red flags more easily.

[Chronograph]

Man I am literally in the same position. It's been like three months since my break up. Before my break up I had a few hobbies I really enjoyed, I built and painted models, played videogames, and I always felt like I knew what I wanted. After we broke up I completely felt lost. Like I had no direction or purpose. I couldn't even look at my models or videogames so I boxed them all up and moved them into my garage where I wouldn't have to see them. Now I'll admit things have gotten a bit better. I have more good days then bad, but god the bad days are BAD. On the bad days I wake up not knowing what to do, I find myself saying "what am I supposed to do with my life, I have no drive or goals anymore."

 

Same here! I used to have a goal, now everything seems pointless and just too much effort to try. My life feels like a blank canvas. I guess it is part of that normal phase of depression after a breakup (you know the five stages: shock, denial, anger, depression, acceptance - and they don't come linear, you may go back and forth in circles for a while). And also because everything was shaken up it's normal to sit there going: I don't know what to do, I don't know what will happen next, I don't know what I want to do next. And there is a lot of fear and loneliness. Maybe it's worth trying to sit and breathe comfortably into the "not knowing". It is okay that we don't know now. We don't need to know everything right now. The life we thought we were gonna lead (with our partners) is over. But routine and wishes and desires and goals will come back. It takes time. Everyday simple little baby steps ... and life will improve again. Let's believe that!

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm so sorry OP for your heartbreak but if it's any consolation, we've all been here at some point in our lives so you're not alone in what you're going through.

 

I think RocketQueen made some super strong and transformative points that everyone going through a break up should absorb. Sometimes there is so much beauty amidst the quiet and waiting...

 

However, if you're looking for something else to help guide you in your journey of recovery and self-discovery I would highly recommend these books;

 

How to Survive the Loss of a Love - Peter McWilliams

A good friend of mine told me about this book and swears by it.

 

Spiritual Divorce - Debbie Ford

The title is deceiving as the content applies to break-ups as much as it does divorce. This was one book that had a profound impact on my life after my own failed relationship.

 

Getting Past Your Break-up - Susan J. Elliot

There are scads of people on this site alone who I think should run out and buy this book and apply it to their lives immediately! Excellent book and worthy of consideration.

 

Anyways, that's just my two cents and since I've been there myself and sincerely feel your pain I thought I'd share some of the books that helped me turn my own heartbreak into harmony.

 

Hugs to you

[Fix]

Is this what a break up does, forces to really look at ourselves and see our flaws and weaknesses. As it stands I look at myself, who I was with her and who I am now and all I can see are reasons why she wouldn't want to be with me. I wasn't good enough. I was stagnant during the relationship and I'm just as stagnant now. I'm not growing or progressing in any meaningful way as a person. I'm just cruising along feeling hurt that she doesn't want me...

 

In the same breath I can't 'improve' for her. I can't do anything for her or anyone, I have to do for myself. The problem is I can't get those thought out of my head 'If I workout, earn more, get a good place, change my style she'll see me and want me back'. I can't commit to being a 'better' person if I am doing it with expectation in mind that she will come to me at some point.

 

I need to become a version my myself that is so good I can not just get her but have the option to disregard her for someone even better. I need to commit to a set of morals and values and live by them, I need to practice what I preach. I need to not be scared. I need to trust that there is someone out there who has everything good about her and none of the bad.

 

I don't know who I am. She was never a nice person.