Losing the love of my life (long read)

[here_and_there_12]

So I don’t know what to do and need some advice. So I have been dating this girl for 3.5 years and now we are probably pretty much over.

 

Just some back ground info on both of us before I get into the story. I’m in my mid twenties; she is in her early twenties. I am decently introverted and nerdy. She is very social and talkative but still loves nerdy stuff aswell. So we balance each other social and share a lot of interests. I am a very dependable (I was born 40 I think), and she is a little bit more manic but not too much. I have lived a very fortunate life I haven’t had to deal with a lot of heartbreak (until recently) or death. Due to some family issues she has had a harder life emotionally I think. I get along with her family and friends, and she loves mine. (She txts my friends more than I do I think) We are physically compatible, without too much detail there aren’t complaints from either of us about the bedroom. I live alone and have a good career capable support myself and her in a decent lifestyle. She is still in school and lives with her parents. I think we are both very honest and caring people, with good senses of humor.

 

I don’t even know where to start with this. She is the only girl I have ever loved and we started dating when I was finishing college. I went to school about an hour from her/my hometown. After I finished school I worked in that town and job searched for 9 or so months. During that time we were together almost 24/7 we were in our infatuation phase and everything was perfect. Then I got a job a few hours away (too far to drive back and forth on a daily basis) and so through the week I would work/live at a distance and she would do school. (she also usually took summer classes). But we still spent ever Friday evening though Sunday evening with each other as well as took vacations and trips together; sometimes when she could she would spend weeks up with me maybe 2 or so a year as things permitted. Even in this situation things were still good for years. Only a few thing I can think of that happened during this period of significance to this story.

 

1st maybe a year and few months in she was talking to one of her guy friends (I do trust they were indeed platonic) and said she found the guy she was going to marry. She told me she said this to him, and she never wanted marriage before she met me. I loved her so I was happy to hear it. We pretty much decided to plan on getting engaged. About a month later she saw a ring she wanted and I put it on layaway and paid for it over a span of maybe a year or so. Her father doesn’t want her to get married before she finishes school, and I didn’t see the point of being engaged for 2-3 years (neither did she) so we agreed this was a private promise we had to one another.

 

2nd thing maybe 1.5 in to our relationship she asked if she could go meet her other serious ex to talk ( he was her first). I got a little upset by this. (Her ex essentially asked if he could cheat on her with another girl if he got the opportunity because he had always had feeling about the other girl, at least he was an honest cheater I guess.. I believe my gf and him split after that but not 100% sure) So anyway I told her to do what she wanted, I never told her she couldn’t go. I just told her I was disappointed that she wanted to go. (I don’t know if she did go talk to him as I had already stated my position)

 

So we were both going along doing are thing talking though the week and spending time with each other at every opportunity I was still completely in love with her and she seemed happy as well. About 3 months ago out of nowhere a crazy maniac kills one of her childhood friends ( she hadn’t talked to this girl for years so they weren’t like best friends but they were good friends when they were little ). It was a real tragedy and a real freak thing something that you hear about on the news that happened to a person she knew. So we attend the funeral it was sad event obviously it was just so tragic. After this for like 2-3 weeks she is emotionally distant, I try to cheer her up but not too hard because sometimes you just have to grieve and feel bad. But I try to support her. We are coming up on one of her best friends weddings (my gf is the maid of honor) and during that week she starts texting me “love you” instead of “I love you” as we had always done before. This and about 2-3 other subtle but noticeable things change and I know things aren’t the same. (also we hadn’t been intimate for several weeks) The day before the wedding I have drove home from town and she is busy helping her friend getting ready. I then receive a text that night that say essentially “you don’t seem like you want to go to that wedding, I know someone ___ (her friends name) knows. And I think they would enjoy going more, would you mind If I took them instead”. I said back I’m a guy I don’t love to go to any wedding in particularly but I would enjoy going to the wedding because I’m happy for her friend. But if this other person know her friend better than I would understand and give up my place. She just says “yeah she knows them and I think they would enjoy going more than you.” (I never said anything negative about the girl getting married and asked what she wanted for a gift so I wasn’t being negative at all about this wedding just to be clear). So essentially in my mind she has uninvited me to the wedding and I don’t want to push the issue because I don’t want to ruin her friends wedding with a bunch of drama. But I text her the morning of the wedding and ask to talk a little bit because I know something is up. She says it isn’t a conversation she wants to have on the phone so she will come over after the wedding that night. So she comes over and I ask if she has fallen out of love with me and she says “More or less, yes”. So at this point I break down, I’m sure I was pathetic but I just couldn’t control my tears I actually was dry heaving. After 20 mins of just complete breakdown I can at least talk a little. I ask her what happened. She said when the fiancé of the girl who got killed talk about her during the funeral she thought that they had a deeper bond than we did. She said she did love me but she though there was a deeper love out there and she wanted that. Well we talk for about 3 hours strait about everything and I say we have 3 years in this relationship we should give it some time and just kinda take a little break instead of ending it. She agrees and we agree to talking once a week and a little bit of contact here and there and then a fresh start in 2 months. Well we do this for like 3 weeks. We have IM’ed some and are getting along and everything. And Then we set up a date about a month into the separation to go get some dinner and a movie. At dinner she tells me she has missed me ( and also thinks she has Lupus and is getting tested for it). After the movie go back to my house. We talk some more and decide to get back together. A few weeks pass and we are getting along better and things are going okay. But during this period I have also learned that during our few week break she hung out with here ex a few couple times, I don’t really care to much about that since we were on a break and she wasn’t hiding it or anything. (also she gets her blood results back and she didn’t test positive for lupus even though she is still going to be retested later and has been sent to a dermatologist for a second opinion on her butterfly type rash. Just mentioning that because it is adding a layer of stress on her and the situation)

 

Anyway now we get to this weekend and I have we have to attend the wedding of one of my cousins. During all this weekend she hasn’t wanted to cuddle or hold hands and says she just feels claustrophobic. After the wedding on our drive home I kind of push the issue because no sex drive is fine sometimes but not wanting to hold hands and all physical contact in concerning to me and it was never a problem before. Anyway this leads to a big argument and she is insisting she still loves me. But then things build and build and we start to get back into the fight we had after her friend’s wedding. Somehow we get back around and there is a question I feel I have to ask even though I am scared to death of the answer I think I might hear. And I ask her when she if she thought there was a deeper love out there than our, was that because she had been in love with someone deeper before. She said yes, she loved her ex deeper than she loved me. I don’t know what I can do now. If we were a month, or even a year into a relationship I could deal with that. But we are over 3 years into this relationship and I still never meant as much to her as him. I have tired to be the best boyfriend. I was always supporting and faithful. I have a good carrier and my life is in order and love her and her alone. He and her went out for about 2 years, he is a pothead (not that that makes you a bad person) and works at a fast food restaurant, and most importantly for this didn’t want to be faithful to her. I just feel completely devastated. Like I know logically I should try to move on but I still love her so much and I thought I had found my mate. Like I feel like I deserve someone who loves me the most of anyone. At this point I don’t care how much she loves him currently if she had a deeper love for him at some point than she has ever had for me I can’t stand knowing that. The only way we could ever stay together is if she somehow learns to love me more which I think is unlikely given we’ve been together longer than her ex and her, and Its not like I have ever done anything majorly wrong. She is aware of how messed up she is for loving him more and also says I deserve better. But I just want her and In so much pain right now. She is coming over in an hour to talk some more since we didn’t have a lot of time last night. She is still willing to try over our relationship and build it on a different foundation but also says she understand if I feel like ending it. Has anybody been in a similar situation before and have some advice? Sorry if the grammar is terrible. I’m wringing this fast and have a lot on my mind. Thank you for any kindness or advice your can offer.

[darkbloom]

She wants to have her cake and eat it too. It sounds like she is stringing you along while her ex is stringing her along.

 

My very best advice would be to cancel the meeting with her and Go no contact. You can't make someone fall more deeply in love with you. It's not possible. You care more deeply for her than she does so you will ALWAYS end up hurt. There is no way to build a new love with someone on a different foundation.

 

If she loves this pot smoking fast food worker then let her have him. She's saying you deserve better because she feels guilty about her behaviors. Believe her. You do deserve better.

[here_and_there_12]

Thank you darkbloom for you words. My brain knows your right, I just don't want to accept it.

[darkbloom]

Forcing yourself to accept it will help with your healing in the long run. Especially because there's no way to receive actual closure from her. She's not hurting the way you are so she doesn't have to make hard changes. The ball is squarely in your court.

[oldshirt]

I'm 51 years old and have gone through exactly this a number of times over the years in my youth. You will survive this and get through it. It hurts for awhile and then it gets better.

 

She is in her early 20s and still in school. This is a highly unstable time in people's lives and chicks this age do this kinda stuff all the time. So do guys for that matter.

 

Now that I am older and look back at those incidents in my youth, I understand it with more clarity. What I regret now is not getting dumped, but rather I regret the time and energy I spent chasing after them and trying to get them back. I now wish I had just walked away and spent that time and energy hanging out with my friends, pursuing other endeavors and dating other girls.

 

Like you, I thought this was my one shot at true love and now it is over and that I would live the rest of my life loveless and celibate and die alone being eaten by my cats.

 

This is all a false belief of course, you are now an educated, employed adult on a career path. You are not an awkward, nerdy teenager any more. You are coming into your prime and will have many other opportunities with women. You just don't know it yet because you have been focused on her for so long.

[oldshirt]

And a little more background info, you are clearly suffering from a textbook case of "oneitis." Oneitis is where you believe your current squeeze is your one true love and your singular soul mate and your one chance at love.

 

Those are all false beliefs. She is actually just another woman. There's three billion more out there. What made her special was the relationship you developed. Get out and date and interact with and bang a dozen more women and you will quickly realize she was actually pretty standard issue.

 

Look up the term 'oneitis' and learn more about it and learn how to get rid of it.

 

Then look up the term "The 180" and follow it to the letter. A lot of people think the 180 is a program to get an ex back. It is not.

 

The 180 is the most effective and efficient means of getting over someone and moving on with your life without being manipulated by them and without hanging on to false hopes and having your heart broken again and again.

[Chi townD]

Dude, her blaise attitude toward you is very telling. She told you that we can try and work on things, but she'll understand if you want to end it. Just think about that, she could take it or leave it. No skin off her nose. SHE DOESN'T CARE!

 

 

Time to move on dude. If you stay with her, you stay with the knowledge that you're with someone that doesn't want to be with you. She's just cooling her heels with you until "A deeper love" comes her way. And how will she find it? Well, she would have to cheat on you obviously. You are her second choice. Her consolation prize. You don't deserve that.

 

 

You deserve a girl that wants to be with you because there's no other place in the world she would rather be. This girl isn't it.

 

 

End this sad excuse of a relationship and go NC on her.

[here_and_there_12]

You are absolutely right old shirt about my "oneitis" feeling. She is the only girl that I haven even held hands with. I could never bring myself to approach women because I am beyond shy, and she was the first girl who ever showed interest in me that I liked back. And I probably am more confident now because I used to be overweight all of my life but I changed for her (not that she EVER even hinted she wanted me to loose weight, but am glad that I did) and now that I know how great a partner can be I think it would drive my courage to approach a women.

[here_and_there_12]

also old shirt. I am taking your advice to heart and trying to digest everything. Thank you for your encouragement I hope I can pay your wisdom and kindness forward sometime in my life. I will not chase her.

[here_and_there_12]

Chi TownD, as everyone else here you are right and I thought the same thing about her not having a preference about dropping or working. I do think she cares for me but It is extremely unbalanced and I don't think she wants to intentionally lead me on so she gave me the choice (I know leaving is always a choice for me regardless if I have permission). I also told her I wished I could hate her and she said she wished I could too so I wouldn't be in as much pain. Which isn't something I would say to someone I wanted to end up with.