possible friendship or is this denial? q. for the dumpees

[seasickpeeve]

Ok, so my ex ended things saying he just wanted to be single and didn't have feelings for me anymore after four years. He had told me he loved me the day before. He broke up with me over the phone too so all of this was very, very confusing and I believed, still kinda believe, he doesn't mean it and he'll be back after time alone.

 

 

I sucked at no contact because I felt so upset he finished it and vanished without much being said that I didn't get a right to reply. So much was building up inside and I had nowhere to express it. Also, I have never finished an ex that way, I've always done it face to face, calmly and answered all the questions they needed for as long as they needed and that meant some of my ex's became friends after. I talked it all out with them and was firm but gentle and helped them let go. Less damage than straight no contact I thought.

 

 

So I got in touch with the ex a few times.....text messages, phone calls, met up briefly once.....and spilled all my feelings out. Told him about my anger, my hurt and how I wanted a break not a break up. At first he was cold and said very little just 'I don't want to be with you'. The last time I spoke to him we talked about things in the way we also have, a little heated but honest and open and with love. I felt that by expressing myself, getting my answers and smoothing over things it would help me move on quicker.

 

 

Getting everything off my chest felt great. It also felt great to be speaking to him again and I felt my anger go away and I felt like I just love this guy and want him to be happy. I said that I hope we can be friendly when we bump into each other (likely) and he said maybe in the future we could be friends but it's unlikely to be anything else (though he wouldn't say never).

 

 

Part of me wants to put my hurt feelings aside and work on being friends in some way because despite this I think he's a great person. Another part is saying that he hurt me and I am in love with him and I will always be hanging around for a little bit more and making a fool of myself.

 

 

I definitely feel I can go no contact now and get on with healing now I've got things off my chest and we are on good terms.

 

 

But I'm wondering if any of you dumpees created a friendship after heartbreak. Just interested in stories. Fell I want something positive to hold onto...........IS ALL THIS JUST THE DENIAL STAGE?!?!?!

 

 

This forum has kept me occupied for a week now. I've posted alot. It's helping, thanks.

[aloneinaz]

In my experiences, if a couple ends things in a civil, kind way, there is a possibility of being friendly down the road. In my case, three woman I had LTR's with and ended them are friendly with me now. In all cases, over a decade has passed and they are "friends" on FB. We occasionally chat or comment on each others posts.

 

 

I don't know anyone who experienced a recent break up that switched from being lovers to friends. It's usually a couple of years at least that people get over all the break up drama again and have moved onto different relationships. Personally, I like being on good terms with exes. I loved them once and enjoy staying caught up in their lives and hope they are happy.

[seasickpeeve]

Were you able to be friends with those that left you or just those you left?

 

I've only really stayed friends with those I left, I never realised until thinking of it now and wonder if that makes a difference.

 

I'm thinking I'm gonna have to put a long long space between any friendship. I'm possibly seeing it as a way to 'keep' him because he was like my bestfriend for four years.

 

It's sad

[FaithInMe]

I have managed to do it a few times, as both the dumper and the dumpee. In one case we were able to be friendly to each other after about 4 months. In one case it was years. Both of them are married now, but we are friendly on FB.

 

In another situation, and probably the best of all, we had LC after the BU, and as time passed I became more indifferent, which allowed me to let go, and the friendship to grow. That man is now one of my best friends, although he now lives out of state and is married.

 

It is possible, but I don't think it's something you can jump into right away. You need to be able to heal, become indifferent, and less caught up in the prior relationship. I am struggling with that right now.

 

My ex and I broke up almost 2 months ago, and we have been amicable to each other. I believe there is the potential for a long-term friendship, but I am not even close to being detached enough for that. And there is no way I'd be okay knowing that he is dating someone new. Nor could I put my whole heart into dating someone else. I need more time.

 

Hope that helps?

[seasickpeeve]

Yeah I was thinking it could be LC until I heal and then it opens up the possibility of friendship in future in a more natural way. Thats how it worked for the two ex's I stayed friends with. We kept conversation flowing every now and then and met a few times and had great nights. One fizzled out, the other I still message every now and then and would have no problem meeting and he wouldn't have with me. But I was the dumper with both of them. It's interesting to see the one you kept low contact with was the one that became a friend. Did you ever want more, in the beginning of friendship or later on?

 

I suppose I'm trying to cling onto what is left. I love our humour, I love his friends, I love how much we can talk to each other. I just think he's great.

 

But I have to keep in the front of my mind that until I can handle seeing him with someone else I should not contact him in any way. That might take awhile...

 

I think I'm trying to save what I can but I might be kidding myself. I don't even know if he actually would want me as a friend or if he's being polite.

[Learningtowalkagain]

I stayed friends with my ex for 6 months. Once I found out she had a new bf I went NC. I really didn't think about reconciling with her but knew the door was open from things she'd say to me, once the door was closed that's when it actually hit me. It might hurt in the short term but I think you're wanting to be friends hoping he'll come back. He was honest about wanting to end the relationship and you two broke up with no bad blood (same as me and my ex) so if it were me and I was in your situation I'd go strict nc.

[aloneinaz]

Were you able to be friends with those that left you or just those you left?

 

 

 

The only one's I'm not on good times is my ex-wife who years later still hates me for leaving her and our bad marriage.

 

 

My last ex dumped me. I vanished from her life. She reappeared wanting to reconcile after I moved on 5-6 months later. She went thru MAJOR dumpers remorse and kept contacting me, asking me to forgive her for being such an ahole during our time together. I finally replied to one of her many, long emails saying I forgave her and wished her luck. She kept emailing me and I told her we could stay in contact on occasion if it would help her move on. She finally vanished after realizing I'd never date her again and was really in love w/my current GF. Clearly, she was still hurting over me not coming back to her again and figured out NC would help her finally get over it.

 

 

If I ran into her tomorrow, I'd be friendly and chat w/her. Quite honestly, I think she suffering from strong BPD issues and I feel sorry for her. I just don't like harboring grudges against someone that I loved at one time. Life is way to short. Would she ever become a "pal" that I'd have a drink with, probably not unless we ran into each other at a bar or something like that.

[seasickpeeve]

I've woke up today thinking that I'm just wishful thinking about the friendship. Today I can't think of anything worse! From being his most important person I'd be way down on the list of important friends. It would change how we speak to each other, how we feel about each other and it would be a totally different relationship.

 

I'm just grasping for something I think.